Tuesday, 31 December 2013

"Chequebook, Jerry!"



Speaking of overdue honours...

Arise, Dame Margo Leadbetter Audrey fforbes-Hamilton Penelope Keith!

Here she is - game girl, as always - on the Morecambe and Wise Christmas show in 1977:



And here she is as the redoubtable Margo in The Good Life:



Penelope Keith

I acquired some position, plus a tiny Titian



Congratulations, and a very Happy New Year, to our ultimate Patron Saint Dame Angela Lansbury, anointed in HM the Queen's New Year's Honours.

Well overdue! Here she is singing a magnificent version of Liaisons from A Little Night Music:



At the villa of the Baron De Signac,
Where I spent a somewhat infamous year,
At the villa of the Baron De Signac
I had ladies in attendance,
Fire-opal pendants...

Liaisons! What's happened to them?
Liaisons today.
Disgraceful! What's become of them?
Some of them
Hardly pay their shoddy way.

What once was a rare champagne
Is now just an amiable hock,
What once was a villa, at least,
Is "digs."
What once was a gown with train
Is now just a simple little frock,
What once was a sumptuous feast
Is figs.
No - not even figs - raisins!
Ah, liaisons!
Now, where was I? Where was I? Oh, yes...

At the palace of the Duke of Ferrara,
Who was prematurely deaf but a dear,
At the palace of the Duke of Ferrara
I acquired some position
Plus a tiny Titian...

Liaisons! What's happened to them?
Liaisons today.
To see them - indiscriminate
Women, it
Pains me more than I can say,
The lack of taste that they display!

Where is style?
Where is skill?
Where is forethought?
Where's discretion of the heart?
Where's passion in the art?
Where's craft?
With a smile
And a will
But with more thought,
I acquired a château
Extravagantly o-verstaffed.

Too many people muddle sex
With mere desire,
And when emotion intervenes
The nets descend.
It should on no account perplex,
Or worse, inspire;
It's but a pleasurable means
To a measurable end.
Why does no one comprehend?
Let us hope this lunacy's just a trend.
Now where was I? Where was I? Oh, yes...

In the castle of the King of the Belgians,
(We would visit through a false chiffonier)
In the castle of the King of the Belgians
Who, when things got rather touchy,
Deeded me a duchy...

Liaisons! What's happened to them?
Liaisons today.
Untidy! Take my daughter, I
Taught her, I
Tried my best to point the way.
I even named her Desiree.

In a world where the kings are employers,
Where the amateur prevails
And delicacy fails
To pay,
In a world where the princes are lawyers,
What can anyone expect
Except to recollect...


2014 may well turn out to be another Lansbury Year, as we have booked our seats to see her (probably last) West End performance in Blithe Spirit this coming March...

I AM Angela Lansbury!

Monday, 30 December 2013

RIP 2013



My dears, as the last dying embers of 2013 start to flicker out, it is time (as is our wont here at Dolores Delargo Towers every year) to remember those who we lost in the last twelve months.

And once again, it is quite a list...

Patti Page (US singer)
Daphne Oxenford (British actress, voice of Listen With Mother)
Robert Kee (British author and broadcaster)
Jon Finch (British actor)
Michael Winner (British film producer and food critic)
Patty Andrews (US singer, the last of the Andrews Sisters)
Cecil Womack (US singer)
Reg Presley (British singer, The Troggs)
Peter Gilmore (British actor, The Onedin Line)
Tony Sheridan (British musician, "The 5th Beatle")
Richard Briers (British actor, The Good Life)
Bob Godfrey (British animator, Roobarb)
Raymond Cusick (British designer, creator of the Daleks)
Elspet Gray (British actress, wife of Brian Rix)
Robin Sachs (British actor)
Kenny Ball (British jazzman)
HRH Princess Lilian of Sweden
Frank Thornton (British actor, Are You Being Served?)
Derek Batey (British TV personality)
James Herbert (British author, horror stories)
Fran Warren (US singer)
Richard Griffiths (British actor, Withnail & I)
Milo O'Shea (Irish actor, Barbarella)
Baroness Margaret Thatcher (British Prime Minister 1979-1990)
Sir Colin Davis (British conductor, London Symphony Orchestra)
Jonathan Winters (US comedian and actor)
Richie Havens (US singer)
Jocasta Innes (British writer/interior designer)
Ottavio Missoni (Italian fashion designer)
Ray Harryhausen (US animator/film-maker)
Deanna Durbin (US singer)
Bryan Forbes (British film director)
Mick McManus (British wrestler)
Ray Manzarek (US musician, The Doors)
Georges Moustaki (Greek/French songwriter, Milord)
Paul Shane (British comedian and actor, Hi de Hi)
Bill Pertwee (British actor, Dad's Army)



Tom Sharpe (British author, Wilt)
Esther Williams (US actress and swimmer)
Iain Banks (British (Scottish) author, The Crow Road)
Rory Morrison (British newsreader, Radio 4)
Slim Whitman (US singer)
James Gandolfini (US actor)
Bobby Bland (US singer)
Bernadette "Bernie" Nolan (Irish singer, The Nolans)
Anna Wing (British actress, "Lou Beale" in Eastenders)
Alan Whicker (British broadcaster and interviewer)
Mel Smith (British comedian and writer, Not the Nine O'Clock News)
Eileen Brennan (US actress)
Karen Black (US actress)
Eydie Gormé (US singer)
Julie Harris (US actress)
Elmore Leonard (US author)
Cliff Morgan (British (Welsh) sportsman and commentator)
Seamus Heaney (Irish poet)
Sir David Frost (British broadcaster)
David Jacobs (British broadcaster)
José Sarria (US drag queen and gay rights pioneer)
Lewis Morley (British photographer)
Joan Regan (British singer)
Tom Clancy (US novelist)
Felix Dexter (British comedian)
Lou Reed (US singer, songwriter and legend)
Graham Stark (British actor)
Nigel Davenport (British actor)
John Cole (British journalist and political commentator)
Doris Lessing (British author)
Stan Stennett (British (Welsh) actor and broadcaster)
Lewis Collins (British actor, "Bodie" in The Professionals)
Jean Kent (British actress)
Paul Walker (US actor)
Nelson Mandela (South African president and World statesman)
Eleanor Parker (British actress)
Frederick Fox (British Royal milliner)
Peter O'Toole (Irish actor)
Joan Fontaine (British actress)
Ronnie Biggs (British criminal, Great Train Robbery)
David Coleman (British TV sports presenter)

STOP PRESS:
John Fortune (British comedian)
Geoffrey Wheeler (British radio and TV presenter, Top of the Form)

Rest in Peace, each and every one.

Would you Adam and Eve it?



It's the very last Tacky Music Monday of 2013, folks, and I have found a corker to end our year of tackiness - although my recent posts featuring Regine and Tony Martin were contenders, we turn instead to yesterday's other birthday girl Miss Mary Tyler Moore (with guests Ben Vereen, Doug Kershaw and The Manhattan Transfer) to provide us with a splendidly tacky "Adam and Eve" number...



Who even knew she sang? [I am still not sure she does, actually.]

Mary Tyler Moore (born 29th December 1936)

I look forward to a very Tacky New Year!

Sunday, 29 December 2013

The Last Vaudevillian and The Dame's farewell



As Johnny Fox, writing in The Londonist quite rightly observed:
"...it’s a privilege to touch the hem of [Dame Edna's] rhinestone-encrusted garment at what feels like a canonisation, such is the esteem in which this toweringly fearsome talent has been held by a legion of fans.

"...the genius of Barry Humphries is that while he has retained the format and some of the jokes, the longevity of the act rests on intelligent manipulation of the audience and a combination of ancient and ultra-topical material. Truly, in this respect, he is The Last Vaudevillian."
And so it was that Mark and I took our seats in one of "the ashtrays" (The Dame's nick-name for the boxes at the hugely grand London Palladium) to bask in the glories of Dame Edna/Barry Humphries' "last farewell" show on Friday.

Opening with a typically offensive set from Mr Humphries' other enduring creation, the slobbering vulgarity that is "Australian Cultural Attaché" Sir Les Patterson (spraying the first few rows of the audience with a combination of near-the-knuckle political incorrectness and saliva!), we cringed and laughed in turn as the chosen "assistants" from the audience and the cheesy dancers/helpers played second fiddle to his diarrhoea jokes and disgusting on-stage barbecue - and song-and dance routine:
"I love cuisine. I love cuisine!
I’ve been cookin’ since the day I was sixteen.
Beneath the sheets I used to dream of mastication,
But now a day does not go by, without a degustation …

I love to stew.

He’d love to drizzle his emulsion over you..."


However, this semi-racist and 100% grotesque creature's set was unceremoniously concluded with an appearance by his decidedly dodgy gay brother, Father Gerard (Mr Humphries again) - "A fully paid-up vagina-decliner" according to Les - whose obsession with young men (including the show's pianist) meant he had to wear an electronic tag. He conducted a "seance" - and in a clap of thunder, the stage was cleared for a monologue by another long-standing character, the deceased Sandy Stone. Very thoughtful, very well done, but a bit of a maudlin way to end the first half of a comedy show, we thought...



All was forgiven - of course - in part two, with the triumphal arrival (following a fab video montage of her life, and then "falling" from the back of a bejewelled elephant, no less) of the one we had all come to see, Dame Edna Everage herself!

"Let me look at you," she shrieked, peering into the audience. "You’ve aged!" And with that opening gambit she launched into a tirade of jokes at the expense of the people in the Dress Circle; "the paupers" ("I shall glance at you occasionally - in exact proportion to what you have paid. It’s steep, paupers. It’s like a wall of death up there! I don’t want a downpour of the disadvantaged, a Niagara of nonentities.”).

Those in the stalls escaped even less lightly. Linda from Hertfordshire was asked about her house - detached with four bedrooms - to which Dame Edna retorted: "It costs money to keep up those houses, but you’ve saved on clothes, haven’t you, Linda?”. Or Mary from Putney: "I'm trying to think of a way to describe what Mary is wearing," she says : "Affordable." Older men were picked upon as "the seniors" - " Aww. He’s in a world of his own. He thinks I’m Shrek!”

Most humiliatingly hilarious of all, however - and just one of the many moments we were supremely grateful to be out of the way in a box - was her inevitable dragging of individuals from their seats to join her on stage, on the pretext of having discovered a "psychic Tantric bond" between them. The young gay boy visibly squirmed (as did his boyfriend in the audience) as The Dame declared him and a rather large plain lady "man and wife", then proceeded to phone - live from the stage, much to her surprise, as she shouted the news to her family at home - his mother with the "good news"! Needless to say, out of relief as much as hilarity, the audience was in fits of laughter.

“I don't pick on people – I empower them,” she said as the clearly overcome "happy couple" departed the stage (and Mum at home was treated to free tickets to a later show in the run).

For a performer of almost 80 years of age, Dame Edna/Mr Humphries appears to have boundless energy, launching into dance routines and, as an inevitable finale, hurling "Gladdies" into the audience - even reaching the "paupers" on the balcony - so it makes it even more sad that this really is the last shout for everyone's favourite Aussie housewife megastar.



With a final video montage - this time of his many, many characters who featured at points during his six-decade career - it was Barry Humphries' own turn in the spotlight to bid us all farewell. And we were all very sad to see him go. The entertainment world will never be quite the same again.



Barry Humphries' Farewell Tour - Eat, Pray, Laugh is at the London Palladium until 5th January before going on tour across the UK.

Saturday, 28 December 2013

Gone shopping...



...back soon.

Friday, 27 December 2013

You turned my world around



It's "that bit in between", but some traditions never cease...

This weekend might well not be the usual "party time", as we gear ourselves up for The Big New Year's Eve Bash (although I am going to see Dame Edna's farewell show this afternoon!), but I am certain we have enough "Quality Street" sweet wrappers left over to make ourselves a glittery jump-suit, just like Miss Stephanie Mills...

From thirty-three years ago this week, it's Never Knew Love Like This Before:



Thank Disco It's Friday!

Thursday, 26 December 2013

Très efféminé



Born today (Boxing Day): Henry Miller, Jane Lapotaire, Mao Tse-Tung, Phil Spector, Richard Widmark, and...

...our very own "Queen of the Night", Régine!

Here she is with a magnificent tribute to all things effeminately gay (I just can't imagine Lulu doing this). It's Les femmes ça fait, and it's wonderful:



Les femmes, ça fait pédé, c'est très efféminé
Tellement efféminé qu'ça fait pédé

Les femmes ça met des jupes
Non mais de quoi j'm'occupe
Les femmes ça met des bas
Nylon ou soie

Les femmes, ça fait pédé, c'est très très efféminé
Tellement efféminé qu'ça fait pédé

Les femmes ça met du rouge
Aux lèvres, et quand ça bouge
Des hanches, ça fait marcher
Les PDG

Les femmes, ça fait pédé, c'est très très très efféminé
Tellement efféminé qu'ça fait pédé

Les femmes ça se parfume
Les femmes ça boit ça fume
Des liqueurs de havanes
Et des bananes

Les femmes ça met du rouge
Aux lèvres, et quand ça bouge
Des hanches, ça fait marcher
Les PDG

Les femmes, ça fait pédé, c'est très très très efféminé
Tellement efféminé qu'ça fait pédé

Les femmes ça fait
Tellement efféminé
Qu'il y a plus d'un pédé
Qui y est resté


Not being fluent, I am not even going to attempt a translation, but I think the meaning is fairly clear...

It's as camp as tits, dear reader!

I have of course featured Régine before - read my tributes here, here and here.

Régine Zylberberg on Wikipedia.

Heavenly



Born (yesterday) on Xmas Day: Sir Isaac Newton, Lew Grade, Helena Rubinstein, Quentin Crisp, Cab Calloway, Kitty Kallen, Sissy Spacek, Humphrey Bogart, Kenny Everett, Dido, Annie Lennox and (of course) Noele Gordon...

...and centenarian, the late Tony Martin!

Here he is in a magnificently camp Hollywood scenario full of cheap tarts glittering "angels" - it's Heavenly Days:



Read my tribute to "Mr Cyd Charisse" on his death in 2012.

Tony Martin on Wikipedia

Wednesday, 25 December 2013

Dreaming of a Betty White Xmas



As always!

Once again, she shows the young 'uns (in this case Miley-fucking-Cyrus) how it's done...



And here she is (once again) winning the "battle of the broads" with our darling Luciana:



Betty White on IMDB

Xmas Traditions...















And of course, Kevin "Bloody" Wilson:



Ho Ho Fucking Ho, indeed...

Tuesday, 24 December 2013

Cleaning my soul



From the BBC:
Computer pioneer and codebreaker Alan Turing has been given a posthumous royal pardon.

It overturns his 1952 conviction for homosexuality for which he was punished by being chemically castrated.

The conviction meant he lost his security clearance and had to stop the code-cracking work that proved vital to the Allies in World War II.

The pardon was granted under the Royal Prerogative of Mercy after a request by Justice Minister Chris Grayling.
I feel so delighted, I am going to play a rare beast - a tasteful Xmas-time song - it's The Power of Love by Frankie Goes To Hollywood (from twenty-nine years ago this week!):



I'll protect you from the Hooded Claw
Keep the vampires from your door

Feels like fire
I'm so in love with you
Dreams are like angels
They keep bad at bay - bad at bay
Love is the light
Scaring darkness away - yeah

I'm so in love with you
Purge the soul
Make love your goal

The power of love
A force from above
Cleaning my soul
Flame on burn desire
Love with tongues of fire
Purge the soul
Make love your goal

I'll protect you from the Hooded Claw
Keep the vampires from your door
When the chips are down I'll be around
With my undying, death-defying
Love for you

Envy will hurt itself
Let yourself be beautiful
Sparkling love, flowers
And pearls and pretty girls
Love is like an energy
Rushin' rushin' inside of me

The power of love
A force from above
Cleaning my soul
Flame on burn desire
Love with tongues of fire
Purge the soul
Make love your goal

This time we go sublime
Lovers entwine - divine divine
Love is danger, love is pleasure
Love is pure - the only treasure

I'm so in love with you
Purge the soul
Make love your goal

The power of love
A force from above
Cleaning my soul
The power of love
A force from above
A sky-scraping dove

Flame on burn desire
Love with tongues of fire
Purge the soul
Make love your goal

I'll protect you from the Hooded Claw
Keep the vampires from your door.


Good news or not, I still give my traditional greeting at this time of year - Bah Humbug...

Dear Santa...



OK! OK! I give in.

The lovely Gay Santa (aka Andrew Christian) and his elves have been persuading me to get my letter in quick - otherwise all my dreams this festering season won't come true...

...oh, and also to:

Buy!

More!

Underpants!

I may agree to the latter, as long as these hunky "elves" are still in them when they arrive.



By the way - the video's title says "uncensored", so if you do happen to open this at work - blame Santa!

The countdown's almost over, folks...

Monday, 23 December 2013

I am jingling...



It is our last Tacky Music Monday, dear reader, before tackiness of all kinds truly envelops us, courtesy of this "festering season"...

Who better to wake us up, as we (some of us, at least) stagger into work for a couple more days, than the Queen of Trash (Italian TV-style) Miss Heather Parisi?! Here, she and her finocchi sicurezza* pay a tuneful tribute to that most godawful of Xmas songs, Jingle Bells:



Fantastico, indeed.

* finocchi - fennel, type of plant from the parsley family (Botany); queer, fairy, gay, homosexual person.
sicurezza - safety, security, emergency.

Sunday, 22 December 2013

Thoughts for the day

















Continuing our countdown for this year's "festering season", here's an appropriate tribute to all this tastefulness - it's Christmas Balls by Ben Light and his Surf Club Boys:



Balls, indeed.

Saturday, 21 December 2013

Disapproval would be folly



It's the last Saturday before The Big Day, and inevitably the world and his wife will be going completely and utterly mad. Not the day to brave Oxford Street (normally dreadful, but today no doubt it resembles The Seventh Gate of Hell), methinks!

Here's the ever-brilliant Tom Lehrer with an appropriate number for the occasion - A Christmas Carol:



Christmas time is here, by golly
Disapproval would be folly
Deck the halls with hunks of holly
Fill the cup and don't say when

Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens
Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens
Even though the prospect sickens
Brother, here we go again

On Christmas Day you can't get sore
Your fellow man you must adore
There's time to rob him all the more
The other three hundred and sixty-four

Relations, sparing no expense, 'll
Send some useless old utensil
Or a matching pen and pencil
("Just the thing I need, how nice!")

It doesn't matter how sincere it is
Nor how heartfelt the spirit
Sentiment will not endear it
What's important is the price

Hark, the Herald Tribune sings
Advertising wondrous things
God rest ye merry merchants
May ye make the Yuletide pay
Angels we have heard on high
Tell us to go out and – buy!

So let the raucous sleighbells jingle
Hail our dear old friend Kriss Kringle
Driving his reindeer across the sky
Don't stand underneath when they fly by!


Tom Lehrer (born 9th April 1928)

Friday, 20 December 2013

Ho Ho Ho



It's the end of the last week before you-know-what, and once again, for that we are extremely grateful!

Let us celebrate the occasion with a festering, sorry festive treat as we dust the last bits of tinsel out of our crevices with this jolly choon from a combo calling themselves Whack Magic - it's Disco Santa Claus:



Thank Disco It's Friday! Have a good one...

Thursday, 19 December 2013

Rai a drop of golden sun



You know the situation.

Every so often a song plays on the radio, you sit up and take notice, and then the bugger is stuck in your head for days.

Such is the case for me with this song (as heard on BBC Radio 3 recently) - Aïcha by Algerian Raï singer Cheb Khaled:



Facts:
  • Raï is a form of folk music that originated in Oran, Algeria from Bedouin shepherds, mixed with Spanish, French, African and Arabic musical forms, which dates back to the 1930s.
  • Singers of Raï are called Cheb ("young").
  • Oran, a seaport in Western Algeria, was invaded by the Spanish in the 16th century; Spanish troops kept women there to entertain the troops, and the city has retained a reputation for hedonism ever since.
  • Often subject to state censorship and attempted control for the popularity of its secular and liberal tradition, Raï has been adopted by young people in particular - and newer forms such as "Raï rock" and "Raï'n'B" have emerged.

It brings peace on Earth and joy



Continuing the countdown - and to make our "festering season" really special, it seems appropriate to dispense with this religious claptrap and offend as many people as possible.

But it seems Kenny and Mr Hankey from South Park have beaten us to it!



And just in case anyone failed to understand the eloquent Kenny...
Mr. Hankey: Howdy Ho!
The Virgin Mary was sleeping when Angel Gabriel appeared,
He said, "You are to be the virgin mother"
And Mary thought that was weird.

Kenny: Mary said "I'm not a virgin, I blew a guy last year"

Mr. Hankey: But then Gabriel said to Mary,
"My child, have no fear."

Kenny: 'Cause you can suck all the dick you want...

Together: And still be a virgin, Mary!

Kenny: You can suck all the dick you want...

Mr. Hankey: And still not be considered flawed.

Kenny: Although you went to town, and sucked some semen down,

Together: You're still a virgin in the eyes of God.

Mr. Hankey: There was no room at the inn
When Mary and Joseph did arrive
They were so very tired you see

Kenny: and Mary had to offer a bribe,

Mr. Hankey: Since she had no money

Kenny: How would she pay for a place to sleep?

Mr. Hankey: Gabriel appeared to Mary and told her not to weep

Kenny: 'Cause, you can suck all the dick you want...
And still be a virgin, Mary!

Kenny: You can suck all the dick you want...

Mr. Hankey: And still be the mother of Christ.

Together: If there's no room at the inn
Then it's not considered a sin

Kenny: To suck some dick to get a room for the night!

Mr. Hankey: That's right!
And three wise men did appear
Bearing gifts of myrrh and such
They said that they had followed a star
And missed a woman's touch

Kenny: Mary thought she might pleasure them, but could not take them to bed,

Mr. Hankey: But again Gabriel appeared to her and this is what he said

Kenny: You can suck all the dick you want...

Together: And still be a virgin, Mary!

Kenny: You can suck all the dick you want...

Mr. Hankey: Every one in the nation.

Kenny: Fellatio ain't no sin
She gonna blow those three wise men,

Mr. Hankey: And you'll still be a virgin

Kenny: 'Cause there was no penetration

Kenny: You can suck all the dick you want...

Together: And still be a virgin, Mary!

Kenny: That donkey, and the ox and the lamb...

Mr. Hankey: And even the little drummer boy.
Folks will remember your name quick.

Kenny: They'll say "Damn! that bitch could suck a good dick!"

Together: Cause sucking dick brings peace on Earth and joy!

Kenny: Cause sucking dick...

Mr. Hankey: ..brings peace on Earth and joy!

Kenny: Mary, Mary suck that dick!
So seasonal.

Wednesday, 18 December 2013

Krampus, Ren, Stimpy and me



Allegedly experiencing a bit of a revival in popularity "as a reaction against a holiday that has become increasingly anodyne, child-centric and commercialised, and [in] an attempt to re-engage with a darker, pagan tradition", according to The Guardian, every Yuletide Krampus - the ancient goat-demon from Germany; the "anti-Santa" - appears armed with a rusty chain to beat naughty children and a sack to cart them off to the underworld.

There is also an annual Krampuslauf - or Krampus run - in which drunken men dressed as devils parade through the streets frightening everyone.

Krampus is apparently a traditional part of Germany's Christmas celebrations, accompanying St Nicholas on his feast-day rounds on the eve of 6th December, known as Krampusnacht.



More about Krampus

I like the idea of this demon creature. He seems most appropriate - for today marks the start of the traditional (evil) seven-day countdown to that day here at Dolores Delargo Towers. And, in a style befitting our respect for this "festering season", here's I Hate Christmas by the ever-wonderful Ren from The Ren & Stimpy Show...



Every Christmas, I am listless
Giving gifts just ain’t my bag
Sleigh bells ringing, and off key singing,
Christmas music makes me gag!


Ren & Stimpy's Crock'o'Christmas

Bah Humbug.

Totty of the Day

























"I'm one of those people you hate because of genetics. It's the truth."

"When you see a person, do you just concentrate on their looks? It's just a first impression. Then there's someone who doesn't catch your eye immediately, but you talk to them and they become the most beautiful thing in the world. The greatest actors aren't what you would call beautiful sex symbols."

"Fame makes you feel permanently like a girl walking past construction workers."

"Heartthrobs are a dime a dozen."


Speaking of Mad About The Boy... It's another "Fabulous at 50" birthday today that we simply have to celebrate, dear reader.

Mr Brad Pitt!

Needless to say, of course, I would...

William Bradley "Brad" Pitt (born 18th December 1963)

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

Desert desecration?



Cinema classic Lawrence of Arabia will inevitably get remade with Tom Cruise, Matt Damon or someone like that.

Hollywood insiders admitted that Peter O’Toole’s death had drawn their attention to an exceptionally brilliant ‘property’ ripe for ruining.

A spokesman said: “Lawrence of Arabia may be one of the greatest films in cinema history but it lacked product placement and characters designed to appeal across the marketing quadrants.

“For example Peter O’Toole was great but he acted kind of gay in places and lacked the muscle bulk required for an imposing screen presence.

“Also we’ll have Jack Black in Omar Sharif’s role, repeatedly falling off a camel called ‘Fartbreath’. And it’ll be in 3D. With ‘sand hobbits’.”
The Daily Mash.

Of course.