Friday, 28 February 2014

A cup of ambition

Dolly Parton has been contracted to play just the bit of 9 to 5 that everyone knows for the duration of her Glastonbury set.

The country star will sing the line about pouring herself a cup of ambition before moving straight into the middle of the song.

She will be allowed to dance on stage, as long as her footwork is straightforward enough for a layperson to replicate after eight pints of cider.

A Glastonbury spokesman said: “This contract will stop any punters from getting bored and throwing cans of Carling at her head.

“We’ve also had to warn her not to talk about her children’s literacy programme, otherwise the crowd will get restless and leave to get their faces painted or to see if there’s anyone you can still buy M-Cat from.”

Festivalgoer Nikki Hollis commented “Acts should be forced to sign contracts like this. When I saw Blondie at Latitude, they were shit – they didn’t play the one song I know, "I Touch Myself".

“We had been really looking forward to hearing it. Blondie should listen to her fans, and do her research.”

Dolly Parton said: “I am thrilled to be playing Glastonbury, and happy to sign anything as long as I get a Winnebago to put my wigs in.”
The Daily Mash.

Of course.

Read the real [surreal?] announcement about Dolly's Glastonbury appearance in The Independent.

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