Wednesday, 10 January 2018

A psychopathic, Pacific Islander Elvis Presley



Oh no! The fabulously witty (and rather cute) "kitchen gadget guy" Rhik Samadder has written his last column - but it's a good one! In today's Guardian, he tackles the peculiar concept of "personalised face lollipops"...
...Here’s how it works: you email a picture of yourself to the company, specifying your distinguishing features, and their Oompah Loompahs will spin, knead and sculpt your candy clone. I ordered one of me, one of Boris Johnson... On unwrapping, the first impression is of weight. They’re heavy, as skulls should be. I take a look at the sugar likeness of me. It’s flattering how unlike me it is, more of a psychopathic, Pacific Islander Elvis Presley.

Meanwhile, it feels freaky to have Boris Johnson’s head on a stick, a cascading omelette of blond drowning his blue peepers. A bit Lord of the Flies. I’m not super into the idea of licking it, as I suspect real-life Boris would love it, but I do. The hair tastes of tutti-frutti. Upsettingly nice. Things get weirder over the next few weeks: the skin of my face blisters, beginning to look grey under electric lighting. Boris, however, endures, plump-skinned, tasty, pink in all lights. I’m no Dorian Gray, yet at least he got a portrait.

I don’t want either of these infernal totems, but who can I offload them to? A child? What if someone saw? That would be a messed-up transaction. So now I’m stuck with myself and Sugar Ray Johnson; one mouldering to a symbolic grave, the other hellish and immortal. If auto-cannibalism or licking celebrities appeals, and you’ve got the lolly, here is the perfect gift to yourself. Given the mix of sugar and narcissism, though, it’s hardly the healthy option. They say two heads are better than one – on this evidence, that’s crap...
Farewell, Rhik - we'll miss you.

2 comments:

  1. Always sad when a good writer gives up a regular column.

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    Replies
    1. The Guardian is "going tabloid" on Monday, so we'll no doubt see a further decline in the fine art of journalism at what used to be an admirable newspaper. Jx

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