Every year Remembrance Day is marred by leftie traitors failing to observe correct poppy etiquette. Here is how the scum of society disrespect our heroic fallen:
Buying the wrong poppy
The only acceptable poppy is a green plastic stalk with red paper petals and a black middle bit. A fancy brooch-style poppy which actually contributes more to charity means you think you’re better those we lost at the Somme, and a white poppy means you didn’t want Germans to die, which is a disgusting thing for a British person to think.
Not stapling it to your forehead
It’s not enough to merely wear a poppy, you should ensure it can’t fall off or be obscured by clothing by stapling it to your forehead. Yes, it will be painful with a risk of infection and scarring, but it’s nothing compared to a shrapnel wound so just grit your teeth and do it. It’s definitely what Spitfire pilots gave their lives for.
Failing to be obsessed with TV presenters wearing them
Enlisting in the Poppy Police means closely monitoring the likes of Clive Myrie and Bake Off contestants for poppy compliance. Is Sky’s Sophie Ridge not wearing one? It’s not because it fell off in her dressing room, it’s because she supports Kaiser Wilhelm and you’re leading the online mob to say so.
Forgetting the two-minute silence
At 11am you must fall completely silent for the full two minutes, even in the middle of a phone call. Forgetting to do so is worse than spray-painting ‘Should’ve ducked, mate!’ on the Grave of the Unknown Soldier. This applies to everyone with no exceptions, even air traffic controllers.
Not having a car poppy
There’s no excuse for not having plastic poppies or stickers saying ‘Lest we forget’ on your car when they’re easily available from shops and Amazon vendors profiting from fakes. Is going to Asda in your Qashqai particularly relevant to WW1? Yes, if it proves you’ve got more respect for the dead than everyone else. Remember it’s a competition.
Your house is not plastered in silhouettes of soldiers
Your house should barely be visible beneath the poppies, silhouettes and ill-conceived knitted teddy bears in uniform cheerfully headed for the trenches. It hadn’t occurred to you to get a party fog machine to send yellow mustard gas billowing across your lawn, but why not start the trend?
Of course.
[Just one of the "real" stories]
