Happy to have, not to have not

"Saint Valentine used to be the patron saint of lovers, now he seems to be the patron saint of card makers." Edward Stilliard

Yup. "St Hallmark's Day" is upon us - a day that sees hordes of chavs clogging the supermarket queues to buy bunches of red flowers that look like the sort of thing tied to some railings where a cyclist got killed; the only day in the calendar that such horrors as rose-scented chocolates are ever a "thing", and when sales of made-in-China fluffy toys with sickly "love" slogans go up.

John Lydon has the right idea:

Public Image Limited - This Is Not A Love Song

My sentiments, exactly.

I wake the possessed

Paraskevidekatriaphobia - such a lovely word.

Yes, at the end of this rather dismal (weather-wise) extra week off after our Spain trip, it also happens to be Friday the Thirteenth, the bad luck day [if you believe in all that sort of stuff]!

I don't. I believe in being invisible - like our old faves Gravitonas!

Gravitonas - Lucky Star

Cause I look to the east
And I look to the west
And I bless my lucky star
Bless my lucky star
I'm invisible, visible
Un-visible, oh oh

So I bow to the priest
And I wake the possessed
And I bless my lucky star
Bless my lucky star
I'm invisible, visible
Un-visible, oh oh

Thank Disco(?) It's Friday - and have a great weekend, peeps!

Feels like I'm going to lose my mind

Classier times...

Timeslip moment again, dear reader...

We've been deposited with a bump by a Trimaxion Drone Ship forty years ago in the distinctly alien world of 1986 - the year of Chernobyl, the controversial Diego Maradona "Hand of God" goal that won the World Cup for Argentina over England, the "tombstone" AIDS awareness campaign in the UK, Neighbours, the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster, Lady in Red by Chris de Burgh, the Westland affair, The Golden Girls, Abu Nidal, Andrew and Fergie's wedding, The Life and Loves of a She-Devil, Suzy Lamplugh, "If you see Sid, tell him", Casualty, the kidnap of British journalist John McCarthy in Beirut, Gary Lineker, the "Zammo Maguire" heroin addiction storyline in Grange Hill and "Just Say No", Top Gun, the Iran-Contra Affair, Russ Abbott, Desmond Tutu, "Den and Angie" in Eastenders, the US bombing of Libya, "Get away from her, you bitch!", the Edinburgh Commonwealth Games, Jeremy Bamber, Crocodile Dundee,, the Cameroon lake eruption that killed 2000 people and hundreds of animals, Colin Baker as Doctor Who, and the so-called "Big Bang" deregulation of the London Stock Exchange

It was the year Rafael Nadal, Jamie Bell, Lady Gaga, Richard Madden, Charlotte Church, Robert Pattinson, Usain Bolt, Kit Harington, Jenna Coleman, Ellie Goulding, Laura Carmichael, the M25 Motorway, the Mir space station, Comic Relief, the Fox Broadcasting Company, Pixar and Phantom of the Opera were all born; and James Cagney, Pat Phoenix, Wallis Simpson, Cary Grant, Elsa Lanchester, Phil Lynott, Hylda Baker, Christopher Isherwood, Anna Neagle, Robert Helpmann, Benny Goodman, Ray Milland, Lady Diana Cooper, Alan Jay Lerner, Harold MacMillan, Peter Pears and Hermione Baddeley all died, and the Greater London Council and the six Metropolitan County Councils were abolished.

In the news in February of that year? Britain was in the middle of a "big freeze", with heavy snow and sub-zero temperatures; after an absence of 76 years Halley's Comet returned - and was a bit of a "damp squib" [I remember spotting it in a break in the clouds, and it looked like a smudgy fingerprint on glass]; the Wapping strike over digitisation of newspapers became a near-riot; President "Baby Doc" Duvalier of Haiti and President Ferdinand Marcos of the Philippines were both deposed; Mikhail Gorbachev introduced his Glasnost and Perestroika [openness and transparency] policies; Swedish Prime Minister Olof Palme was assassinated; the UK signed the Single European Act aimed at creating a single market; and we bade a fond farewell to Dandy Nichols, famous as "Elsie", long-suffering wife of "Alf Garnett" in Till Death Us Do Part. In our cinemas: Muppets Take Manhattan; Rocky IV; Spies Like Us. On telly: Blackadder II; The Colbys; Catchphrase.

And what of the charts this week in '86? Billy Ocean held onto the top slot for a second week (and would stay there for another two) with When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going [helped a lot, no doubt, by it being the theme song for The Jewel of the Nile, and the presence of the film's stars Danny DeVito, Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner as backing singers in the video]. Making up the rest of the Top Ten:, Whitney-fucking-Houston, one-hit wonders Double (The Captain of Her Heart), A-Ha, The Damned, James Brown, Five Star, (ahem) Nana Mouskouri and (ahem, again) Su Pollard were all present and correct.

However, this song [only held off the top slot by the success of Billy and his chums] was at #2 - a re-release, no less. It's one of my favourite of Our Glorious Leader's choons!

Madonna - Borderline

FORTY-fucking-years? Where did they go?!

To gay or not to gay?

Should you go gay with your male friends to attract women? The pros and cons

Gay hockey drama Heated Rivalry has been a massive hit with women, so would straight men wanting to pull benefit from a change in sexual orientation? Here’s what you should consider first.

Sex can ruin a friendship
People often report that friendships are never the same after you’ve slept with someone. But that’s with women and men lack any form of emotional complexity. So chances are you’ll have sex with your mate Steve and a few hours later it’ll be overshadowed by a heated debate in the pub about the best flavour of crisp.

Your male friends may not be attractive enough
You may – correctly – feel that your male friends are munters and you could do a lot better. It’s one thing saying everyone is beautiful inside when you’re trying to sound liberal, it’s another when you’ve got to bum Gareth. Still, as men have pointed out for years: "You don’t look at the mantelpiece when you’re poking the fire."

You’ll need to find time for all the gay and straight sex
Most orifices are similar, despite what unadventurous girlfriends may claim, so the actual sex shouldn’t be a problem. The challenge will be finding time to have sex with your male friends AND all the female hotties who’ll fancy you now you’re gay. Always be on the lookout for time efficiencies, such as nipping into the toilets of your local for a quickie with Darren while they’re changing the barrel.

Women may turn out to be hypocrites about shagging a gay man
As well as the guys in Heated Rivalry, women often like gay men in general. But there’s still a risk that when you try to pull women after turning gay they won’t be into it, because you’re gay. You don’t know what’s worse – the hypocrisy, the homophobia, or Simon’s clueless blowjobs.

You will have to make big lifestyle changes
It’s always felt slightly prejudiced to you, but gay men have a reputation for dressing well, so you’ll have to buy some smart jackets and trousers that actually fit. In addition, you’ll need to start listening to ostensibly gay music, and if you’re not into Gloria Gaynor, Taylor Swift, Scissor Sisters, Pet Shop Boys, etc. this will be a pain in the arse, so to speak. Just keep telling yourself it’ll be worth it for all the muff.

You don’t fancy men
This is probably the biggest obstacle to turning gay, and may affect your ability to perform in the bedroom. At least if you can’t get it up with a woman they’re usually really nice about it, but the same isn’t true of your mates, who’ll mercilessly take the piss in the pub. Your erectile dysfunction is unlikely to be helped by shouts of ‘BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY!’.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

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STOP PRESS:

The gnomes at Google HQ have deemed this post to contain such objectionable material that they have put it behind a content warning.

I might just change the presumably "offensive" still from a commercially-available television programme to one of two men fisting. That'll teach the twats!

UPDATE:

Maybe they read my message above, or maybe an actual human being read this post - because the content warning has now been lifted...

Of a culinary vamp, tenors, treasure, old farts radio, brutalism, gay disappointment and Bowie in cabaret

Congratulations to the "sex kitten" of TV chefs Nigella Lawson, who steps into the shoes of previous hosts Dame Mary Berry and Dame Prue Leith as the new presenter of The Great British Bake-Off.

It's another snippets post, dear reader:

• Calling all higher voices news: There is apparently a worldwide shortage... of tenor singers! Will the next Pavarotti please stand up?

• Hoorah for heritage fanatics news: Thanks to a fundraising campaign that brought them support from trusts, benefactors and the public alike, a gorgeous heart-shaped gold pendant linked to the ill-fated marriage of Henry VIII and Katherine of Aragon, found by a metal detectorist in Warwickshire, has been secured by the British Museum for permanent display for the nation. I want to see this...

• Old people need music radio too news: Boom Radio, the independent radio station established by, and specifically aimed at, the so-called "baby-boomer" post-war generation will celebrate its fifth anniversary on 14 February. Three cheers for the plucky older generation!

• Brutal(ist), indeed news: The hideous concrete monstrosity that is London's Southbank Centre [the 1950s adjunct to the otherwise OK Festival of Britain survivor the Royal Festival Hall, it encompasses the Queen Elizabeth Hall, Purcell Room and the Hayward Gallery, and was later joined by the National Theatre next door, and the British Film Institute (BFI) after that] has become a Grade II listed building. It's still depressingly ugly.

• Muddled history news: It is once again LGBT History Month in the UK and, unlike in its heyday when Camden & Islington LGBT+ Forum actively facilitated loads of events that appealed to all sorts of groups who vaguely sat under this stupid "alphabet soup" banner, and we always found at least one or two events to go to, there's not a lot that appeals. Not for several years, more's the pity. It's all "trans" this, "queer" {{shudders}} that and "lesbian" the other; at least in our locale.
  One event on the other side of London did indeed catch my eye, however - a touring dramatisation of a long-forgotten radio script from the BBC all about homosexuality in an age when it was completely illegal: Stephen M Hornby’s play The BBC’s First Homosexual. Unfortunately, and possibly inevitably since its London run is a) cheap (£5) and b) hosted at the teeny-tiny Cinema Museum in Kennington [which I have been dying to visit], it's sold out! As is the centenary celebration of the irrepressible Kenneth Williams at the British Library. Dammit.

• And finally: Sad news arrives of the death of Mr Des de Moor. Latterly known for his passion for real ale and his writings about the subject, he seems an unlikely candidate for a tribute here - but his name rang a bell when I saw it in the obituaries. With very good reason - for, way back in 2003, I happened to purchase a copy of a real oddity: his tribute CD to David Bowie, in cabaret style, with the late Russell Churney [of Fascinating Aida and Julian Clary fame] Darkness and Disgrace! And here, for your delectation, are two tracks from it:

Russell Churney, Des de Moor - Always crashing in the same car

Russell Churney, Des de Moor - The Man Who Sold The World

And the weather? Shit.

Oh, how hot..? *

Slow, slow, slow - that just about sums up how today is going, since our return from Spain late on Saturday. Despite having mental plans of things to do in the garden (while the rain holds off) and/or the flat (I have had some more pictures framed, so there's some rearranging to do to accommodate them before we run out of wall!), all I've really managed is to get some washing done.

Hey ho. I haven't forgotten, however, despite still being on holiday all this week, that it is a Tacky Music Monday - and with that in mind...

...why have just one Spanish diva to cheer us up, when you can have three?!

Lola Flores, Carmen Sevilla, Paquita Rico - Ay que Calor

¡Olé!

Have a good week, dear reader.

[* Ay que Calor = "Oh, how hot" in Spanish]

El regreso...

Leonardo and Martha. A nice couple we met on our holiday? "Nice" would be pushing it... Two of the fiercest "named storms" of the season; unfortunately they both visited Andalusia in the same week while we were there.

We arrived on a pleasant, breezy, quite sunny weekend and enjoyed sitting in the sunshine - but after that it went all grey and blustery and showery with sunny intervals, and by Tuesday we had proper rain (and bought a brolly). One morning we had sleet hitting our balcony! Friday (The Madam's birthday) was particularly schizophrenic - on my way down to our regular beach bar Palm 5, the rainstorm was horizontal and I could hardly keep the brolly up, yet by 2pm we had nary a cloud in the sky, and basked in the sunshine until the sun went down! To finish things off "nicely", as we waited for our evening flight yesterday we were huddled at the back of the bar terrace, freezing, and watching the Palm 5 staff fighting to get one of the windbreak roller blinds back into place as Martha had blown its hooks out of their mounts.

We were concerned about our flight taking off in such a "hurricane", but all went well (we even landed in Luton Airport twenty minutes early). Bizarrely, by the time we were having our first British pint at the Wetherspoons at Kings Cross St Pancras, we were warmer sat at their outside tables at 11pm than we had been at lunchtime on the Costa del "Sol"...

We still had a fabulous holiday, regardless! We felt really welcomed wherever we went, had loads of laughs, ate some great food, caught a bit of sunshine on our skin - and burned the candle at both ends with post-siesta nights in the La Nogilera gay area in Torremolinos (as is our wont). [And we're booked to go again at the beginning of May, so there's that to look forward to...]

But what did we miss while we were away? Not a lot, truth be told. The Winter (yawn) Olympics are on in Italy, apparently; sacked former ambassador to the US Peter Mandelson is a bogeyman again, and Prime Minister Starmer's under pressure again; no amount of false posturing from the orange moron in the White House has prevented that evil cunt Putin from bombing Ukraine; among the amazing treasures uncovered during ongoing works on the HS2 rail route are a Neanderthal hand axe, a set of 19th Century gold dentures, a Roman gladiator "good luck" tag, and a gold "three lions" pendant from the 13th-14th Century; and finally - a man had to be rescued from a tree on the Isle of Wight, where he was sheltering from being attacked by an angry cow.

[click any pic to embiggen]

Oh - and tennis totty Carlos Alcaraz became the youngest player to win a Grand Slam. New balls, please...

No doubt what you're asking, dear reader is - did we bring anything back with us to share? Of course. A triple-bill, no less!

Spain's Eurovision entrant in 2024, doing what she does...

Nebulossa - Supersexy

...a proper Spanish number (ish)...

Aaron Sevilla ft. Javi Torres, Alba Dreid & Ruben Hernández trumpet - A tu vera

...and finally, my fave!

Lapili - Fatty Fairy

Is it good to be home? ¡Ni hablar!