You couldn’t even guess

Martha Stewart is in the news, and once again Britons are unable to fathom why because she has no equivalent in the UK. These also failed to cross the Atlantic:

Ryan Seacrest
He’s been famous for three decades over there, presenting American Idol, running some form of charity, having somewhat prominent hair. Over here? Nobody has a clue who he is. You couldn’t even guess. If a friend said they’d met Ryan Seacrest, your response would be ‘Seacrest? Are you trying to say wave?’

Martha Stewart
Occupies some nexus of cookery, home arrangement, lifestyle and brands that simply doesn’t exist. Imagine crossing Delia Smith, Victoria Beckham and Kirsty Allsopp and you’re still not close. Shame, because she’s always being sent to prison and incongruously enjoying post-rock gigs in a way that would be fun to savour if she mattered.

Kelly Clarkson
We understand her as a former pop star whose Christmas hit Underneath The Tree will soon get its rusty hooks into your cerebellum and refuse to let go, but as host of a daily daytime talk show? Where she sings cover versions? And has big stroppy fits about magic shops not selling her mechanical birds? You could believe this if it was North Korean TV.

Jimmy Kimmel
Or Jimmy Fallon, or Seth Meyers, or Jay Leno, or Johnny Carson, or any of the hosts of TV shows broadcast at 11.30pm when British TV is showing thrillers from 1994. Apparent household names on shows past bedtime, with guests who are nobodies, mystifying running jokes and commercial breaks every 75 seconds. It makes no sense.

Guy Fieri
A celebrity chef – okay, we do those, with you so far – with bleached hair, sunglasses, bling chains, who shouts about food on the Food Network while running restaurants that are widely hated and usually close down. In some strange alchemy no rational British mind could understand this has made him famous and rich.

Octomom
Woman who gave birth to octuplets, which would make you famous over here. But she had them all implanted by IVF by a doctor who was struck off and has then gone through the standard sequence of reality TV, divorce, rehab, exotic dancing, bankruptcy, and plastic surgery. Be glad we only get Bargain Hunt.

Donald Trump
Millionaire who became famous by being an obnoxious millionaire, not even making a shit phone that does email like our own Alan Sugar. Somehow remained famous despite his businesses failing, then ran for president on the most-unqualified-ever-candidate ticket and won, twice. We will never comprehend why. Soon we’ll be able to forget.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Auntie

As we gird our loins for another week of endless fun in work, so we also pay due homage to the dear old BBC, whose television service launched at Alexandra Palace (Ally Pally) 90 years ago today! Among the events on offer is an unveiling of a "World Origin" plaque at the palace this evening [we won't be going, despite the fact it's "around the corner" (just a couple of short bus journeys away), as it would be a bit much for a Monday].

Speaking of which - on this Tacky Music Monday, I have discovered a real gem! Someone, way back in the early 1970s, thought that assembling a motley crew of stars from assorted European countries to sing together on a tribute song to "Auntie Beeb" [on what was then the 50th anniversary of its first ever (radio) broadcast] was a great idea. The results are - ahem - interesting...

Hildegard Knef, Alice Babs, Demis Roussos, Enrico Macias, Vicky Leandros, Sandra & Andres - Auntie

Have a good week, dear reader.

So sweet, you make my mouth water

According to pagan mythology, the Samhain day of feasting that started at sunset yesterday continues through till the sun goes down today. As if anyone needs an excuse...

Speaking of "feasting", here's a girl after our own hearts who knows how to over-indulge. She wants candy, and she's going to get it!

Marie Antoinette (2006) - Bow Wow Wow - I Want Candy

By sheer coincidence [honest, guv], it was original vocalist Annabella Lwin's - gulp - 60th birthday yesterday.

Cheers!

Spooked!

We had a faboo time at the Film Club gathering for John-John's birthday last night and, despite not starting till 6pm (being a Friday), we managed to get in both Werewolf by Night - in the spirit of Hallowe'en - and [yet another outing for] one of our house favourites here at Dolores Delargo Towers, the campest Western ever made, Johnny Guitar! [I had bought it for John-John's birthday, and he'd only just opened it!]

"You're nothin' but a railroad tramp!" - Johnny Guitar (1954)

Speaking of Hallowe'en spirit, the faboo Steve Hayes aka Tired Old Queen at the Movies has uncovered a truly spooky film for his seasonal selection:

Tired Old Queen at the Movies Classic Movie Review: Too Scary to Watch Alone? - The Innocents (1961)

Is there anything scarier than a scary child?!

---

Meanwhile - for my dear sister [who loves this clip; hee, hee!], an old fave:

The Return of Count Yorga

It's traditional.

'Tis better to have loved and lost, and don't go sharing your emotion

RIP, Sir Patrick Stewart. A truly sad loss - whether Shakespeare, Star Trek, Jeffrey or X-Men, we loved him!

• See my tribute last year on the occasion of his 85th birthday.

Very sad.

However, it is the end of a particularly gruelling week - and time to party, in a most "appropriate" way. Yes, it's this slice of genius again...

Data and Picard (Pogo Remix)

Thank Disco(?) It's Friday!

Have a good one, dear reader!

---

FOOTNOTE:

We actually do have a party to go to tonight - it's our friend John-John's birthday today, and he's hosting one of our legendary "Film Clubs" at The Perseverance pub in Bloomsbury tonight!

Fan, as he is, of all things ABBA(esque) - by way of a little celebratory gift, THIS:

Erasure - Lay All Your Love On Me

Ein Wunder der Liebe wartet nicht

And so farewell, das Lebewohl to the uber-glamorous Fraulein Elke Sommer, who has pouted her last pout and departed for Fabulon, aged 85.

She was most famous, of course, for her "comedy foreign-accented sexpot" roles in Carry on Behind and in the "Pink Panther" film A Shot in the Dark [as well as in the inevitable soft-core smut and horror genres], and also starred opposite Paul Newman in murder-mystery The Prize, Dean Martin in The Wrecking Crew and Michael York in Zeppelin.

...but who knew she sang?

Elke Sommer - Oh, I Love You

RIP, Elke Sommer (born Elke Schletz, 5th November 1940 – 28th October 2026)

Reduced to content you swipe past while watching videos of a cat

Thanks to Google, once-in-a-lifetime spectacles can be seen from the comfort of your phone at any time. Including these.

The Northern Lights
You could go to Norway, freeze your bollocks off, and pay £14 for a hot chocolate in the hope of seeing a natural phenomenon that often occurs in less-glamorous Scotland. But there’s no guarantee of seeing the Lights, as they don’t give a toss what you paid. Do you know where they’re certain to appear? At the click of a button on your phone in high-definition, if you can be bothered to close YouTube.

The Pyramids
Googling the Pyramids offers multiple advantages, such as not having to endure punishing Egyptian heat or a camel ride that causes permanent testicular damage. These ancient tombs have survived millennia of wars, invasions and desert storms, only to be reduced to content you swipe past while watching videos of a cat falling off a sofa and a woman explaining her skincare routine.

The Taj Mahal
A breathtaking monument to eternal love, built by an emperor for his favourite wife. Not to be confused with the local curry house where you took your ex on a Tuesday because it was two-for-one poppadoms. If in doubt, the one that ranks higher on an image search is the one you’re after.

The Grand Canyon
A vast geological wonder that developed over millions of years. Best viewed on a phone, where you can appreciate its immense scale by rotating your device from portrait to landscape. Then you can look at a picture of a dog. Or some breasts. The depraved miracle of the internet truly is another wonder in itself.

Petra
An ancient city carved into rose-red rock in Jordan. Spectacular architecture, extraordinary history, and absolutely no need to negotiate with a taxi driver when viewed on the same device you wank over. You can even post screenshots to social media if you want to trick friends into thinking you’ve visited in person.

Machu Picchu
The lost city of the Incas, perched high in the Andes. Traditionally reached by a gruelling hike, it can now be visited from the sofa, where the only altitude sickness comes from standing up too quickly after three hours of scrolling. Saves you bumping into tedious gap year types taking selfies for dating apps as well.

The Daily Mash

Of course.