Bored at work? Have you considered hating one of, or all of, your co-workers for reasons they would consider petty but you call unforgivable? This should get you started:
Iain’s lunch had a mild odour
He sits within your line of sight and if that wasn’t bad enough, he dared bring in something more exotic than a cheese sandwich for his dirty little midday meal. And he made you watch. Begin with passive-aggressive sniffing and coughing, and glow with inner fury whenever he strays toward the microwave for eight years thereafter.
Marie used the printer for too long
Despite the fact that everything is now on G-suite, Microsoft 365, or East 17 these days, a fellow employee was at the printer the one and only time you needed to use it. Hogging it. Did she gracefully step aside when confronted with your urgent hover? She did not. So you must deliberately go slowly when she’s waiting behind you from now until 2032.
Louise laughed too hard at a manager’s joke
Pathetic little suck-up. Guffawing, in a meeting, when everyone knows they’re not for fun or productivity but to engender despair, self-loathing and the urge to put one’s hand into a blender. You would never demean yourself by trying to enjoy being at work and it’s well worth resenting that cow for doing so.
Connor drank the last of the milk
It may seem like a small, impolite accident, but this devastating betrayal is in fact worse than Kim Philby, Judas and David Harbour all combined. Two pints is more than a quid now. Act swiftly, rally others to your cause and judge what pitiful over-sweetened pseudo-beverage your nemesis wasted the precious liquid on.
Jill sat at your desk
Technically it isn’t your desk because of hot-desking. But while its ownership might not be recognised in a court of law, spiritually and emotionally it is your safe harbour and your home. And she thinks she can steal it? Fuck about with her chair when she isn’t looking.
That girl who didn’t know who you were
That disrespectful intern is the epitome of why their generation don’t deserve jobs or to ever retire, with their fucking iced coffees. How dare they not recognise how supremely important you are? You’ll make sure that Ava, or whatever her name is, won’t go far. Oh, she’s left.
Of course.
