Arseholes

An office arsehole has greeted the end of the May heatwave by saying ‘Hope you enjoyed summer,’ and the worst of it is that he may well be correct.

Martin Bishop, aged 44, has accosted everyone he meets with the one-liner he mistakenly believes to be the pinnacle of ironic British humour, but is more likely to be an entirely accurate forecast.

He continued: “Apparently summer’s on a Wednesday next year! Eh? Eh? You like that one? Why the sour face mate, only a joke.

“Three months of chilly drizzle’s only going to make you appreciate your holiday more. And my gag, which is as British as greasy fish and chips in soggy newspaper and will surely only get funnier as the grey weeks roll on.

“After all, you can’t get more British than complaining about the weather, can you? That stiff upper lip, battling through valiantly in the face of adversity. It’s a classic. Everyone here’s just a miserable bastard who hates to laugh.”

Colleague Emma Bradford said: “He’s right about us being miserable bastards, but it’s not laughing we hate. It’s Martin.

“Is there any kind of old pagan tradition about sacrificing a regional sales manager to the gods in order to banish the clouds and guarantee a good summer? Because if not I’m willing to start one.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[The "real" story? It's been pissing down, with thunderstorms, today.]

Boop-boop-de-boop!

Oh, fuck. Monday again!

As we brace ourselves for the deep, deep joys that await us in the week ahead, let's pay due homage to the greatest of photogenic icons, Miss Marilyn Monroe, shall we, whose centenary it is today!

On this Tacky Music Monday, it simply had to be this:

Marilyn Monroe - Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend [Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, 1953]

...and this!

Marilyn Monroe - I Wanna Be Loved By You [Some Like It Hot, 1959]

Have a good week, dear reader...

Boop-boop. De-fucking-boop.

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STOP PRESS:

This!

[click any Marilyn to embiggen]

Miami Vice

It might have been a mixed bag of cloud, strong breezes, sunny spells and a distinctly fresher feel to temperatures today, but needless to say, I spent the afternoon [as I did yesterday, watering and pottering] out in the extensive gardens here at Dolores Delargo Towers - I dug out, investigated and re-potted some fuchsias whose leaves had been chewed by the dreaded vine weevils [I squished three adults, but thankfully, after washing their roots, found no grubs; they're lethal to fibrous-rooted plants], and potted up a load of ipomoea seedlings that had been languishing in tiny pods for far too long. That was quite enough for today.

With the forecast being for declining temperatures and possibly some rain in the week ahead, let us instead wallow in the lives of impossibly glamorous people, cavorting in exotic [well, Miami, anyhow] and sunny climes, shall we? - courtesy of the simply faboo Soft Tempo Lounge:

Soft Tempo Lounge - Lounge Miami '69

Ah, that's better.

[Music: Francesco de Masi - Diamond Bossa Nova]

Everybody start to swing

Hemerocallis "Fragrant Returns", lapping up the sunshine! [click to embiggen] At least that's what it's supposed to be - but it's more "buttercup" than "lemon" yellow, and if it is scented, I can't smell it!

The glorious heatwave that has held sway over the UK all week is having its last shout today (29C/84.2F) - from tomorrow, we're forecast to get back to near-normal temps with some showers by mid-week.

While the temperatures are still "up there", how about something totally cool, courtesy of Fred, Ginger and today's "birthday boy" Benny Goodman?!

Benny Goodman - Sing Sing Sing (with a swing)

Perfection.

Only you, you get me acting crazy like I do

Another busy - and very hot - week is almost over, and we need to get our party gear on sharpish, for (unforgivably), we missed Our Princess Kylie's birthday yesterday!

I'll send a belated gift. She won't mind. She's busy basking in her new-found adoration courtesy of that Netflix mini-series [which we'll probably never see unless it hits terrestrial TV at any time in the future]...

Obviously we'll let the lady herself get the party started in the most pertinent manner, with this guaranteed-to-get-you-moving classic - and Thank Disco It's Friday!

Kylie Minogue - What Do I Have To Do?

Many happy returns, Kylie Ann Minogue (born 28th May 1968).

Have a great weekend, dear reader!

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STOP PRESS:

I thought it was too good to be true: over the past few days, all my posts have been arriving in the Blogger Reading List as normal. I thought it was (finally) fixed. But, no! This post has taken about twenty-four hours to arrive! I hate the fucking Google gnomes. They obviously aren't Kylie fans.

Of tourism, testicles, chasing cheese, Medieval wonderment, carbuncles, clubbing and a cow for President!

RIP Judith Chalmers, who for almost 30 years brought the British viewing public dreams of sunshine getaways into our living-rooms. [click any pic to embiggen]

It's another snippets post, dear reader:

• Bull mosaic’s testicles worn down by pirouetting tourists news: A floor mosaic of an anatomically detailed bull in one of Milan’s grand arcades is getting a sensitive makeover after being worn down by thousands of passers-by honouring an unusual tradition. Legend has it that grinding your heel on the bull’s testicles at the Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II guarantees you will return to the city. You can't make this kind of stuff up!
• Fondue, anyone? news: On what was officially the hottest Bank Holiday Britain has ever seen, the usual gaggle of the utterly insane chased a wheel of cheese down a perilously steep hill in Gloucestershire! The Cooper's Hill Cheese-Rolling and Wake was won by a German YouTuber. Apparently, no participants (nor the cheese) came to any harm...

• Illuminated history news: One of the earliest manuscripts to tell the tale of King Arthur and the search for the holy grail – a richly illuminated medieval tome which, for more than 700 years, has been in private hands - is headed for auction by Christies this July, where it is estimated to fetch around £1.5m to £2m ($2m to $2.7m). I do hope the British Museum or British Library wins it and puts it on display!
• Planners see sense, shock horror, news: A developer has lost a controversial bid to build a 29-storey tower near Battersea Bridge, which drew opposition from celebrities including Mick Jagger and Eric Clapton. Good. It's about time planning departments, the government and the bloody Mayor realised that nobody actually wants or needs these monstrosities popping up all over the place in London. It's bad enough that The City resembles some kind of giant glass graveyard, without our leafy boroughs getting the same treatment.
• Nightclubbing, we're nightclubbing news: The newest (free) exhibit at the V&A museum, opening this weekend, is a proper trip down memory lane for many - a new display exploring the legacy of lost music venues and club culture. Lost Music Venues will showcase over 100 objects that tell the story of around 50 British venues - including The Astoria, Rainbow Theatre and Turnmills in London, Moles in Bath, and The Hacienda in Manchester; venues that launched the careers of myriad acts such as Blur, Oasis, Kate Bush, Tears for Fears, New Order and many, many more - such as gig posters, membership cards, club photography, band merch, and subculture fashion staples.

• And finally: A rare albino buffalo has been spared from ritual sacrifice as part of Eid al-Adha celebrations in Bangladesh - because of a social media buzz that pointed out its close resemblance to Donald Trump! Bullocks, indeed!

And the weather? Still hot - and with more cloud about, oppressively humid. I've even heard a rumble or two of thunder! Oo-er.

Keep chat hot and dull

Right now, everyone should be talking about the heatwave to the exclusion of all other topics. Here’s how to intervene quickly and safely if anything else is discussed:

Know the symptoms
Non-heatwave conversations involve words such as ‘Asda’, ‘smoothie’ and ‘Mandalorian’ rather than the prescribed ‘hot’, ‘boiling’ and ‘sweaty’. Once you’ve spotted the danger signs, swoop in to redirect with phrases like ‘Bloody hot, isn’t it?’

Administer hot weather clichés
All heatwave should be dominated with inanities such as ‘Too hot for me!’ Interlocutors should trade clichés like ‘Ooh, I wish I could climb inside a fridge’ and ‘It’s like an oven’. Do not dwell on the actual physical sensations of being forced inside an oven, as this may leads to digression. Simply agree.

Encourage a water fixation
Be obsessed with the idea that healthy human adults will pass out and die if they attempt to travel any distance without a bottle of water. This conversation will self-replicate like a malignant cell as they start badgering others with ‘Have you got some water?’, even if the person in question is only going to the recycling bin.

Quote scary numbers
It’s not a proper heatwave conversation without specific temperatures. Luckily most Britons are shaky on temperatures apart from 0 and 100°C and whatever the fuck Fahrenheit is, so feel free to throw in dramatic-sounding but made up stats like ‘It’s 93° in Bournemouth!’

Don’t prevent sunburn
Sunburn will keep the conversation on-topic for several days as the victim bemoans their stupidity and everyone vows to use SPF 50 religiously. Encourage it by persuading people to join you in the glaring sun and saying things like ‘Who fancies another round?’ and ‘You look really stupid in that hat’.

Watch for a conversational relapses
Idiots may try to talk about something more stimulating than the weather. Be prepared to throw any crazy nonsense out to stop them, for example ‘You know they’ve had to close Heathrow because the planes are dripping molten aluminium onto Kent?’

Take inspiration from the media
The news is a great help at forcing the heatwave into conversation. Whether Guardian hysteria, Telegraph climate change denial or the BBC with its many regional reporters writing non-stories like ‘James and Donna plan to spend the afternoon in the garden’, to cite just one real example, it’s full of pointers to keep chat hot and dull.

The Daily Mash

Of course.