Hang up the wigs

We at Dolores Delargo Towers have our black armbands on today, still reeling as we are at the very sad news that our Patron Saint of Big Wigs, Miss Dolly Parton has ascended the rhinestone-studded stairway to preside over the pinkness of Fabulon...

It cannot all be sad, however, when one remembers the great lady's wit, self-deprecating humour and sparkle. On losing a drag queen contest, she said:

“They had a bunch of Chers and Dollys that year, so I just over-exaggerated - made my beauty mark bigger, the eyes bigger, the hair bigger, everything. All these beautiful drag queens had worked for weeks and months getting their clothes. So I just got in the line and I just walked across, and they just thought I was some little short gay guy... I got the least applause.”

Such a great loss. There is little more I can offer, dear reader, but a wallow in some of her most beloved and memorable tunes...

Dolly Parton - 9 to 5

Dolly Parton - Here You Come Again

Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers - Islands In The Stream

Dolly Parton - Coat of Many Colours

Dolly Parton - Love Is Like a Butterfly

Dolly Parton performs Jolene at Glastonbury 2014

RIP, Dolly.

Inflamed by the casual profanity

Uptight middle-class couples indulge in the ultimate taboo in the bedroom and pretend they’re common. These are six of their darkest fantasies:

Susan Traherne: “I borrow money from an ex until payday”
I pretend I’m a single mother with six children who fails to plan ahead financially. At the end of the month I’m out of cash and the kids need crisps and energy drinks, so I borrow £80 from an ex – my husband, wearing a shell suit – and am so grateful I have sex with him in his housing association flat out of sheer gratitude.

Sophie Rodriguez: “I get a full house at bingo”
He’s calling off the numbers and I’m marking them one by one using a dabber I bought off eBay. The tension is mounting with each one, we’re exchanging glances and fully aroused. When I finally shout ‘Bingo!’ he tells me I’ve not only won £125 in Matalan vouchers but his heart, and he takes me backstage, bends me over a folding table and does me.

Julian Cook: “I’m a plumber, she works at Greggs”
She’s got the branded polo, hairnet and apron on. I walk in, van parked on double-yellows, and order a sausage roll. She asks if I want vegan, I say ‘Do I look like a fucking media studies lecturer?’ and we’re both inflamed by the casual profanity. After I give her a good seeing-to in the back of the shop I hand her a fiver and tell her to keep the change and she does.

Carolyn Ryan: “I haggle at a car boot sale”
I’m seated on a nasty little folding chair behind a table of tat when a man asks how much for a tea-towel of Filey. I tell him a quid and he huffs and puffs and counters with an offer of 30p. I tell him jog on. He raises it to 50p and tells me I drive a hard bargain, we exchange goods, he sweeps the table clear and shags me on it then we drink strong tea from a flask.

Tom Booker: “I win the World Darts Championship”
I’m wearing the shiny top playing the deciding game at Ally Pally in front of a baying, drunken crowd. I hit all the right numbers, win the top prize and my wife fellates me while wearing a beer bottle costume. I used to start this fantasy with walk-on music, but my wife suggested it was too indulgent and was having an adverse effect.

Stephen Malley: “We fake genuine interest in other people”
My barrister wife and I pretend to be poor commoners meeting in a public house. The kinky aspect is that we show real interest in each other, rather than bragging about our careers, children’s educational achievements and property portfolios. It gets primal and leads to carnal engagement. We can’t tell our friends, they’re not as open-minded as we are.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

A perfect excuse (as if any were needed, really) to play this:

Pulp - Common People

Every day seems a lifetime

Noooooooo!

After a gorgeous sixteen days away, it's time for reality to kick in. It's time to get the bloody laptop out of the cupboard, and get back to work! I am in no way ready for this...

Our beloved Kessler Twins would have celebrated their 90th birthdays last Friday, so, on this Tacky Music Monday, only they can save us now!

Kessler Twins - Quando, Quando, Quando

Probably my favourite camp dance routine, ever. Madam Arcati and I have practised it many times and still can't get it right...

Have a good week, dear reader. I won't!

Big Beautiful Balls and Barbara

Heavens. Miss Barbara Jean Morehead, better known as Barbara Eden, star of 1960s classic series I Dream Of Jeannie, blows out 95 candles on her cake today!

I Dream of Jeannie

Although it is her appearance as said genie for which we remember her most, among Miss Eden's other notable achievements she starred alongside Walter Pidgeon and Joan Fontaine in Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, with Tony Randall in the cult movie 7 Faces of Dr. Lao, in numerous US made-for-TV thrillers and mini-series, on stage as the star of Kander and Ebb's Woman Of The Year, and reunited with her Jeannie co-star Larry Hagman in Dallas in 1990. She reunited with Mr Hagman again on stage in the play Love Letters in 2006 - and, remarkably, just last year she starred once again in a production of that play in Los Angeles, opposite Hal Linden.

There's no stopping her, it seems!

On my last day of freedom before the horrible prospect of going back to work tomorrow looms, and after another fruitful day in the sunshine in the extensive gardens here at Dolores Delargo Towers, pottering, watering and feeding our pots, I'm in need of some light relief.

So how about Miss Eden herself, way back in 1968, singing about big balls..? That'll do nicely:

Barbara Eden - Big, Beautiful Ball

Love it!

A lady doesn't wander all over the room and blow on some other guy's dice

I have spent hours again out in the extensive gardens here at Dolores Delargo Towers, continuing the task of trying to repot some plants that have spent the year trying to survive the multiple heatwaves we've had in London. For most of the summer it was enough of a job to keep them watered, let alone putting them into shock by taking them out of their pots, but now it's a lot cooler (but still decent temperatures) they need to get their roots into new compost before Autumn kicks in. It's a big job...

Here's a little something from the geniuses at Soft Tempo Lounge to ease my aching muscles...

Soft Tempo Lounge - Vegas Collection - Promo

Ah, that's better.

[Music: The Tony Monaco Trio - Luck be a Lady]

You can't escape the groove

I'm still on holiday, dear reader, so - apart from the fact that the clock is ticking towards the inevitable conclusion of a fortnight of hedonism - I couldn't give a fuck that the weekend is looming, tbh.

However, to get into the usual routine, there is indeed a whole raft of birthdays of notable people today, including the much-missed Princess Margaret, Dame Janet Baker [still with us, thankfully, aged 93], Joe Strummer, Christopher Robin (Milne), Jackie DeShannon, Usain Bolt [40 today], Aubrey Beardsley, Count Basie, King William IV, Friz Freleng, Kenny Rogers, Budgie of Siouxsie and the Banshees, Donald Dewar, Lili Boulanger, Kelis, Cliff Adams, Barry Norman, Jack Weston, Clarence Williams III, Kim Cattrall, Kim Sledge of Sister Sledge, gangster Bugs Moran, King Mohammed VI of Morocco, Liam Howlett of The Prodigy, Dina Carroll, the world's oldest verified living person Ethel Caterham (of Hampshire, UK) [117 today!]...

...and the delightfully tight-trousered Patrick Juvet!

Without further ado, let's play his timeless, most memorable hit, shall we?

Patrick Juvet - I Love America

Thank Disco It's Friday!

Nieuwe muziek om van te genieten

Having come in from the extensive gardens here at Dolores Delargo Towers, a) because a blanket of cloud has loomed in and there is rain forecast, and b) because I'm almost out of compost so can't embark on any more (much-needed) potting-on until I get to B&M for a new bag - I think it's time for another selection of choons that have caught my ear of late:

First up, a welcome (and unexpected) return of a fave diva, who doesn't seem to have stopped working since her first single hit the charts 62 years ago:

Lulu - I'm In Love Again

The new single from Soft Cell's forthcoming final album [to be released as a tribute to the late Dave Ball] Danceteria is simply fab, as one would expect:

Soft Cell - In Heaven (When I Dance With You)

It's so good to see 80s heartthrob Nick Heyward and the original members of the band together again - and that he's still looking so handsome, at (gulp) 65:

Haircut 100 ft. BBC Concert Orchestra - As It Was (Harry Styles cover) [BBC Radio 2 Piano Room]

DJ Cummerbund's latest mash-up is yet another wonderful conglomeration of unexpected artists - and that "ginger guinea-pig" Ed Sheeran never sounded so good (mainly because he isn't in it much)!

DJ Cummerbund - Shape of an Octopus

Artists featured:

1. Ringo Starr & his friends
2. The other Beatles
3. Ed Sheeran
4. Randy “Macho Man” Savage
5. Baby Sinclair
6. Shakira
7. Earl Sinclair
8. Fran Sinclair
9. Sebastian
10. Robbie Sinclair
11. Flounder
12. Some Muppets
13. Charlene Sinclair
14. Ariel

Our latest fave pop diva is getting a bit fruity - in a lift!

Jessie Ware - Sauna

And, saving the best to last... the collaboration we've all been waiting for, as the Queen of Fucking Everything and Our Princess finally duet! And to think, had we been in Amsterdam a week earlier, we might have been able to see this...

Madonna feat. Kylie Minogue - Love Sensation [Amsterdam World Pride 2026]

...and this mix for the single release is just pure class:

Madonna feat. Kylie Minogue - Love Sensation (Afterhours Radio Edit)

As ever, dear reader, I'd love to hear your thoughts...