Of Witches and Tricycles

The Witches of Eastwick! [click to embiggen]

On this day in history: "in fourteen hundred and ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue", setting off from Spain with three ships on his way to make his ground-breaking "discovery" of the Americas; in 1778 La Scala opera house opened in Milan; in 1858 the source of the Nile (Lake Victoria) was discovered; in 1914 Germany declared war on France; in 1936 Jesse Owens gave Hitler's "master-race" ideals a kicking by winning the first of four gold medals at the Berlin Olympics... and, in 1966, my sister was born!

When my father woke me on that fateful day (I was three years old), he said "We've got you an early birthday present. It's a baby sister.". I cried, and said "I wanted a tricycle!"

In tribute to my 53 years of resentment, here's an appropriate song - and the tackiest choice for a Tacky Music Monday in ages. I dedicate it to Hils...

TuTiTu - Tricycle Song

My ears hurt.

Have a good week, dear reader.

Chairs!

It's been a hectic weekend, dear reader!

My sister Hils' 60th birthday party last night was a fantabulosa, excessive occasion, as one would expect. Today, in full recovery mode, I didn't even get up until 3pm!

By that time, Madam Arcati, his sister Carol and niece Jen were already ensconced in Wetherspoons for lunch, so, after doing some emergency watering of some of the more desperate, drooping plants in the garden, what else could I do but join them..?

After all that, all I can do, really, is hand over to a word from our sponsor:

Soft Tempo Lounge - Vernon Panton '62

Nothing exceeds like excess, they say...

Music: Henrik Nielsen - Skylight Room]

You know I dress for every situation

[click to embiggen]

Awwww...

It's my ickle baby sister's SIXTIETH BIRTHDAY party today!

Not so "ickle" nowadays, of course:

By way of a little tribute, this - that she and I used to dance to at the long-gone Lazers nightclub "Bowie/Roxy" nights in Newport way back in the early 1980s...

Yazoo - Situation

Great (if distant) memories...

Happy Birthday, Hils!! We'll all be there tonight to celebrate your dotage...😂

Right now!

Oh, thank fuck (again). Another tedious and busy week's starting to fade away...

...and it's the magnificent Fatboy Slim's birthday!

A perfect excuse to get the party started [and it is, indeed, my dear sister Hils's 60th birthday party tomorrow]. Thank Disco Big Beat it's Friday!

Fatboy Slim - Right Here, Right Now

Have a faboo weekend, dear reader!

---

STOP PRESS (11pm 31/07/2026):

Just when I thought it was safe to go back into the water the whole Blogger Reading List time-lag issue was sorted [every post I have published this week seems to have arrived in the feeds immediately, as it should] - no!

I published this "Thank Disco It's Friday" post at 7.40am. It still is not showing in the list.

Fuck those Google Gnomes!

I'm worse at what I do best, and for this gift, I feel blessed

Sharing the big day with another unlikely assortment of notables including the divine Kate Bush, Emily Brontë, Frances de la Tour, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Peter Bogdanovich, Daley Thompson, Lady Harriet Harman, Sir Clive Sinclair, Terry O'Neill, Henry Ford, Sir Christopher Nolan, Jimmy Cliff, David Sanborn, Rat Scabies, Stan Stennett, Christopher Warren-Green, Lisa Kudrow, Sid Krofft, Hilary Swank, Liz Kershaw, Buddy Guy and abstract modernist sculptor Henry Moore...

...it is the 85th birthday today of the man who wrote She's a Lady [a huge hit for Tom Jones], It Doesn't Matter Anymore [for Buddy Holly], Diana, and (of course) the lyrics to the enduring standard My Way - Mr Paul Albert Anka!

However, his 2005 album Rock Swings is, in my opinion, his finest hour. From it, this fave:

Paul Anka - Smells Like Teen Spirit

Faboo!

Essential advice for idiots

The number of blazes caused by disposable barbecues suggests idiots may still need advice on their use. Read this Q&A before you start randomly committing arson.

So what’s the problem again?
It’s all down to a thing called ‘fire’, which has a surprising tendency to ‘spread’ and burn things you weren’t trying to cook, such as fields, fences and your house. Curse those irresponsible barbecue manufacturers for putting deadly fire in them.

Can I use a disposable barbecue in the car?
Technically, yes. The barbecue can definitely be ignited on the back seat of a moving car, but most people choose not to because it’s mental and you might die horribly in a burning vehicle. If that’s too complicated a scenario for you to grasp, don’t do it because your sausages will keep rolling off and getting fluff on them.

Are they safe for my dog to use?
Not really. Dogs are likely to drool on the barbecue tongs and have a poor understanding of food hygiene generally. Why are you asking this?

Can I use it to dry my hair?
You probably could get your hair quite dry over a barbecue, but there’s a risk of burns and smoke inhalation, not to mention the huge amount of faff. That said, disposable barbecues are £5 cheaper than the cheapest hairdryer on Amazon, so some fuckwit will have tried it.

Where do I dump my barbecue when I’ve finished with it?
You’d think that the moment you’ve rammed your food down your gullet you’d be free to abandon a smouldering BBQ on a crowded beach, in a busy picnic area or in a litter bin full of paper. But strangely you’re expected to safely put out a fire hazard that is entirely your responsibility.

Why should I bother putting it out?
Good question. You’ve realised that putting a barbecue out properly doesn’t directly benefit you personally. We’d try to explain the Golden Rule and the social contract but that will be hard work. Luckily there’s the much simpler concept of ‘you might go to prison and get bummed’ to deter you.

If I forget the burgers can I use a cow from a field?
No, because the cow belongs to a farmer. There are other issues of practicality and basic standards of decency, but let’s keep it idiot-proof and just say Farmer Giles will be angry. Also it’s unlikely that a £4.50 disposable barbecue will cook a 1,200lb cow, unless you like your steak really rare. And horrific.

Can I use it on a garage forecourt?
If you’re peckish on the way to the beach it’s tempting to whip out the barbie and rustle up a burger while you’re filling up with petrol. But it’s generally better to buy a Twix. Just take our word for that.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Something nice to study, phoning up a buddy, being in my nuddy

Farewell, Gunther Von Hagens, whose Body Worlds freakshows exhibitions of "plastinated" corpses were wildly popular amongst the ghoulish in the early 2000s.

It's another snippets post, dear reader:

• It could crush a small child news: As part of its centennial celebrations, the Los Angeles Public Library has put on display the world's biggest-ever pop-up book, spanning approximately 31 by 20 feet when open! Your arms would be aching trying to read that one...
• Surprising food choices for a heatwave news: Supermarket giant Waitrose has reported a surprise increase in sales of winter comfort foods, such as cottage pies, gratins and red wine, despite the ongoing heatwaves across the UK. Let's face it, that kind of dish is a damned sight tastier than lettuce, any day!
• We're almost at the end of [the somewhat concocted] "Disability Pride Month" [something I certainly never heard of in all the time I worked for the leading UK disability charity Scope, so I assume it's yet another US import] - but no further excuse is necessary, really, to play one of the UK's most celebrated and defiant disabled heroes, the late, great Ian Dury:

Ian Dury and The Blockheads - Reasons to be Cheerful (Part Three)

• Wakanda Forever news: In a surprise announcement at Comic-Con in San Diego, the next "Black Panther" in the Marvel Cinematic Universe is going to be British actor David Jonsson - an actor best known for, ummm, a load of stuff we've never watched and are not likely to, such as "investment bank-based drama" Industry or streaming-channel-only rom-com The Road Trip. Let's hope he lives up to expectations.
• Don't do this at home news: In possibly the most pointless Guinness World Record ever, an Idaho man got the record for the most consecutive flaming torch juggling catches while riding on a unicycle - and burned off his eyebrows in the process! The only thing that comes to mind is "why the fuck would you do that?"
• And, finally: RIP, "national treasure" Bill Oddie, comedian, broadcaster, one of the original hosts of the BBC's Springwatch, famous birdwatcher - and, of course, a pivotal member of this lot, one of the most beloved anarchic comedy troupes of the 70s, alongside Monty Python:

The Goodies - Kitten Kong

The Goodies - Funky Gibbon

And the weather? Heatwave #4 is upon us - with temperatures in London set to reach 33C/92F (and possibly higher) tomorrow, and no respite in sight. Pass me a gin'n'tonic with loads of ice and a slice of lime, my dear...