Tawdry, jewel-encrusted lives

Harry and Meghan have graciously stepped up to take the place in the public’s hearts that was once reserved for Katie Price and Peter Andre.

The couple, who are sharing every detail of their tawdry, jewel-encrusted lives with the world, hope to be as beloved as the reality stars were in the years 2004 to 2009.

A friend of the couple said: “Nobody can ever forget how dazzlingly Katie and Peter burned during those glory years. Harry and Meghan are no exception.

“The romance began when they were camping in Botswana and Meghan said ‘This is just like "Katie & Peter: African Adventures".’ Harry’s heart lifted at her intimate knowledge of the couple the whole of Britain loved.

“They resolved to be just like them. Starring in "Suits" was Meghan’s Page 3, while dressing as Rommel was Harry’s "Mysterious Girl". Marrying was their "I’m A Celebrity". The Netflix show is their "Katie & Peter: The Next Chapter".

“We’ll see them living their glamorous celebrity lives, but also at home raising the girls, negotiating deals with "Hello!" and having screaming rows because Harry’s been texting the blonde from the Saturdays behind Meghan’s back.

“They plan to achieve complete media saturation until all anyone can think of is Harry and Meghan, Meghan and Harry, Harry and fucking Meghan. What a magical fairytale it’ll be until the split.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

A panoply of playable pleasures

It's grey, miserable and cold out there. Time, methinks, for another selection of "newer" choons that have caught my ear of late.

Let's open with a distinctively different take on an old classic...

ZRI (Zum Roten Igel): The Red Hedgehog Tavern Band - I Feel Love (Donna Summer cover)

Here's a rarity - Drag Race alumnus Violet Chakchi sans drag (as Paul Jason Dardo) doing her best Marc Almond impression in a video for Soft Cell's latest? Hell, yeah!

Soft Cell - Light Sleepers

By complete contrast... Any regular reader will be more than well aware of my atheist disdain for all things religious - but when we discover divas with voices like this, we pay them due homage. Just. Fucking. Wow!

The Como Mamas - Come Out the Wilderness

Taking a more sinister tone, here's what a typical week on the office is like:

Fever Ray - What They Call Us

Let's lighten the mood slightly, shall we, with some sleaze?

Darin - Satisfaction

Then, there's this - from Erasure's recently-released expanded "Deluxe Edition" of their 1995 self-titled album:

Erasure - Angel (Love Eternal Mix by TSF)

And finally, a remarkable track and video from a most unlikely artist to ever be considered "enlightened"...

Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds - Pretty Boy

As ever, dear reader, let me know your thoughts...

Horny devil

Grrrrr! Another (chilly, according to the forecast) week begins.

But at least I am getting in the swing of the season. For today is the celebration of everyone's favourite horny demon with a thirteen-inch tongue - Krampus! A feared monster of Old European Yuletide folklore, he punishes naughty children, swatting them with switches and rusty chains before dragging them, in baskets, to a fiery place below. He's a kindred spirit.

And on this Tacky Music Monday, here's a jolly little ditty by way of a celebration (and to wake us all up):

The Chardon Polka Band - Krampus Song

Have a good week, dear reader.

More Krampus here

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Je t'adore, ich liebe dich

Paralympian Ellie Simmonds, competitor in Strictly Come Dancing 2022

It's the 30th anniversary of the International Day of Persons with Disabilties today, dear reader, so I thought I'd bring a bit of class into proceedings by featuring three of the most accomplished disabled perfomers of classical music:

Itzhak Perlman - Fiddler on the Roof

Jose Feliciano - Malagueña

Jacqueline Du Pre, London Philharmonic Orchestra cond. Daniel Barenboim - Cello Concerto, 1st Movement (1967) [Elgar]

But what of the geniuses-who-happened-to-be-disabled who hit our charts? There are obvious candidates such as Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles [both blind, like Sr. Feliciano], John Cougar Mellencamp [born with spina bifida] and many, many artists on the autistic [such as Susan Boyle or Courtney Love] or bipolar [like Adam Ant, Sia or Ray Davies] spectrum, but in my opinion, the singer with the most defiant, in-yer-face, "who the fuck do you think you're looking at" attitude of 'em all is worthy of "pride of place" on this day:

Ian Dury and The Blockheads - Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick

International Day of Persons with Disabilties

I'm in love dancing

I could sit and watch this for hours... All over my face? Yes please.

Phew. Another very welcome weekend is on the horizon. Temperatures are getting more recognisable as what we should expect at this time of year, and the warm coat's being dusted-off from the cupboard under the stairs. Of course, no chilly air can prevent us getting into a party mood..!

So let's start with a genuine underground club number that regularly crops up on any list of "Best Disco Records of All Time":

Loose Joints - Is It All Over My Face?

The track, which was released way back in 1980, was never a commercial hit, but is widely acknowledged as being influential on the DJs behind the creation of what became known as House music later that same decade.

Its influence loomed large way into this century, too, when in 2012 Glasgow DJ JD Twitch released his own "tribute" version. This video reminds me - the season of the dreaded Xmas Office Parties is upon us!

Thank Disco It's Friday!

JD Twitch - Is It All Over The Place?

Have a faboo weekend, dear reader!

Baffled

A woman has been found who has no specific dietary requirements, scientists have confirmed.

Researchers are baffled by Donna Sheridan, aged 34, who appears to be able to consume a standard range of human foodstuffs without making a big fucking song and dance about it.

Dietician Helen Archer said: “Donna is, amazingly, capable of perusing a menu without launching into an explanation of how she doesn’t eat dairy because humans can’t digest lactose and no other species consumes the milk of other mammals, even though no other species makes pizza either and we eat that.

“She also failed to tell any kind of anecdote about being allergic to nuts, how peanuts are actually a legume, or to be toying with veganism.

“Later in the meal, Donna neglected to discuss at length how gluten affects her digestion and how buckwheat bread is just as nice as real bread even though it looks and tastes like a house brick.

“Finally, we observed Donna not indignantly asking the waiter why the beef lasagne wasn’t available without the beef, before eschewing the jackfruit burger. We don’t know how she can exist, but we’re confident it can’t be recreated in laboratory conditions.”

Sheridan said: “I enjoy eating food. I know. Shameful.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.