Of coronations, subtle political gestures, and hamsters

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It will not have been lost on even the most casual viewer that the coronation carpets were in the colours of the Ukrainian flag. "A happy coincidence" is the official line - but we know that "The Firm" is much cleverer than that...

As we struggle to readjust after all that pomp and majesty to the dullness of work - and, as we also begin our countdown to the next great event of the season, the Eurovision Song Contest this Saturday - let's wallow, shall we, in the antics of the Ukrainian entry in the contest back in 2014, and the infamous debut of the "hamster-wheel man"?!

Mariya Yaremchuk - Tick-Tock

Have a good (rest of the) week, dear reader.

That's what my heart yearns for now

Our fabulous Geranium phaeum "Samobor" is one of the stars of the moment.

It was pissing down yesterday for the coronation. It's going to piss it down again tomorrow for the Bank Holiday. Today, however, was glorious - and gave me another excuse to get some more potting-on done in the extensive gardens here at Dolores Delargo Towers. At this time of year, everything's rocketing away! The fuchsias I bought as little rooted cuttings at Easter-time are getting nice and stocky - several of them are now in their rightful place as part of our "Fuchsia Wall", and a few of the older, woodier ones are moving out into different locations (one's gone out the front to replace the huge Osteospermum that was killed by frost).

Knackering, but satisfying...

It's still "Coronation Weekend" [and we still haven't sat down to watch the whole glittering event - that'll be tomorrow], so how about another tenuously-themed song to carry on the celebrations?

King - Love and Pride

Big hair. Bigger boots. Ah, the 1980s...

Vivat Rex Carolus!

His Majesty King Charles III is crowned.

Long live the King!

Diana's message from the ether

Who better to help with your Coronation celebrations than Princess Diana, Queen of Hearts? Here are some tips from the former Royal everyone would much rather be watching on Saturday.

Stock up on drinks in advance
I’d recommend doing a shop for wine and beer today. The Coronation coverage starts early tomorrow, and the last thing you want is for Big Ears and his horse-faced shag to pop up on TV without a drink to take the edge off.

Should you make a Coronation Quiche?
I’d say ‘no’ on the entirely reasonable grounds that they sound fucking disgusting. I mean, spinach, green beans and cheese? It’s no wonder the Royals have got £21 billion stashed away if they’re too tight to splash out on an M&S quiche. If I was becoming Queen, which I know you’d all prefer, I’d insist on something decent like Coronation tandoori mixed grill.

Don’t miss the Household Cavalry
I’ve always had a certain fondness for this historic regiment, possibly due to shagging Major James Hewitt. The bastard sold my personal letters afterwards, but I’m prepared to let that slide. Yes, I love the Household Cavalry, who helped win the Battle of Waterloo and are, in my experience, better in bed than some weirdo husband who prefers talking to his plants to giving his hot young wife one. Naming no names, obviously.

When to say your pledge of loyalty
This has confused a lot of people, but don’t worry! During the ceremony, the Archbishop of Canterbury will give everyone a clear prompt. It’s that simple. Of course, you might not want to promise to lay down your life for a man whose only contribution to humanity is making posh biscuits no one buys. Just putting that out there.

Make your own Coronation playlist
Let’s face it, the music is going to be shit, so when boring old Westminster Abbey choir come on I’m just going to put Seven and the Ragged Tiger on my Sony Walkman. Katy Perry should be okay later on, but Charles doesn’t like pop music so he’ll have to look enthusiastic while hating every minute. Ha. Good.

Should you organise a street party?
Sadly you’ve run out of time to give the council the required 4-12 weeks notice and, if you intend to charge for alcohol, apply for a Temporary Events Notice. But there’s nothing to stop you having a party in your garden and inviting the neighbours. Just bear in mind it’s going to be a much less popular occasion than, say, the 1981 Royal Wedding, so don’t buy loads of sausage rolls unless you’ve got a chest freezer or a dog.

Stave off boredom by reminding yourself it’s a historic event
I found that helped me get through quite a few ballsaching Royal events. And in a way it is quite historical. With the Queen gone, Andrew’s unsavoury antics and hours of ridiculous medieval cosplay, I doubt people are going to be watching this bollocks for much longer.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Must be the reason why I'm free in my trapped soul

Yay! Another long weekend hoves ito view [we have an extra one this year thanks to the Coronation - but weirdly, the UK normally has two Bank Holidays in May anyway, one at the start and one at the end, then abolutely bugger all until the end of August]

As we continue to count down to The Big Day tomorrow, with all the more excuse to "party like a Royal", here's another choon that just-about-fits the theme and should get us in the mood nicely.

Thank Disco (and HM King Charles III) It's Friday!

Wamdue Project - King Of My Castle

Enjoy the spectacle tomorrow, dear reader - and have a great long weekend!

Totally bunted!

Yes - the bunting's up at Dolores Delargo Towers in readiness for the Coronation [although the Madam is actually working on Saturday, so I'll need to record it and we'll watch it on Sunday or Monday, and the concert (with a finger on the fast-forward button) sometime in the week], so let's play another vaguely appropriate number to celebrate, shall we?

Tears for Fears - Everybody Wants To Rule The World

Gulp. That song is 38 years old - released in the year that Keira Knightley, Bruno Mars, Lewis Hamilton, Cristiano Ronaldo, Lily Allen, Joe Wicks and Lana Del Rey were all born...

In the shops, on the telly, on our very crisps

The UK is standing petrified, transfixed by an onrushing tidal wave of Coronation bullshit which will soon drown us all.

The entire country is staring aghast at a mounting influx of bollocks about an event which will affect none of our lives in any material way but will be all any of us are allowed to discuss or think about for weeks to come.

Donna Sheridan of Lancaster said: “It’s already begun. In the shops, on the telly, on our very crisps. So far it’s only ankle-deep. But the deluge is coming.

“Soon our homes will be awash with Coronation shite. EastEnders will have a special episode. This Morning will discuss little else. You’ll be sipping Coronation tea out of a Coronation mug with Coronation biscuits on the side.

“Your workplace will be alive with it. Schools will be obsessed. Bunting will appear. The street party, or the failure to organise a street party, will be the subject of outraged battles on every neighbourhood Facebook group.

“We will be castigated for not exactly replicating the joy and excitement of a 1953 event which septuagenarians dimly remember from when they were children. We will be compelled to feign joy at a man who is already King being named King.

“Each and every one of us will soon be submerged in forced patriotism. It’s coming. It is too late to hide.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.