The word ‘reliable’ has lost all meaning to us

The inclusion of ‘skibidi’ and ‘tradwife’ in the Cambridge Dictionary means it has been forced to remove ‘self-respect’ from its pages.

Having once again sullied the hallowed pages of its dictionary by including vapid slang popularised by social media cretins, Cambridge University Press has omitted definitions of honour and dignity from its latest edition.

Lexicographer Julian Cook said: “We had room. We could easily have squeezed ‘self-respect’ in on page 948. But sadly, the word has lost all meaning to us.

“We studied its definition for hours but we couldn’t make sense of it. Apparently it’s all about having an internal sense of worth that isn’t dependent on external validation. That won’t trend on TikTok, fam!

“Instead we’ve crammed in words like ‘delulu’ and ‘broligarchy’ that have at least another three months of common usage. If that comes at the cost of this so-called intrinsic value, it’s a price worth paying.

“Language is constantly evolving and it’s our job to reflect that. I can already see us cutting words like ‘reliable’, ‘learning’ and ‘resource’ from next year’s dictionary.”

17-year-old James Bates said: “Nothing kills off slang quicker than academic endorsement. We’re going to have to make up new bollocks now.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[The "real" story]

Warrior in Woolworths?

It's tough finding a new job, and it’s even harder when companies sound like they’re assembling the Avengers rather than employing a data entry assistant. These buzzwords should make you run a mile.

Retail Jedi
Though not the most thrilling job title in the world, at least ‘shelf stacker’ has some dignity. Trying to make menial work seem fun by giving it a twatty name is insulting and degrading for everyone involved, even imaginary space knights.

Culinary artist
No, you won’t be the new Michelangelo or Van Gogh, you’ll just be slapping wet ham between slices of bread for eight hours a day. The only similarity to Van Gogh you’ll have is knowing what it’s like to feel fucking miserable and not have much money.

Office ninja
Ninjas are stealthy and secretive, launching deadly attacks when least expected. What they don’t do is sit at a desk dejectedly answering emails, fixing photocopier jams and listening to Martin at the neighbouring desk describe his ‘epic’ drinking session at the weekend.

IT help desk wizard
You might think you’ll be the new Gandalf, dispensing wisdom passed down through the ages. What you’ll actually be doing is answering the phone, googling the problem and reading out the top search result. Hardly defeating Sauron, is it?

Killer marketing guru
The Dalai Lama is a guru. A person who thinks there is value in coming up with naff marketing campaigns promoting shit products is not. However, the ‘killer’ bit is correct because you’ll be ready to commit murder after six months of writing social media posts promoting vape shops and wedding DJs.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Neither lawyers nor governments could restrain him

“No journalist of my generation could escape Harry’s influence... we were all brought up on his text books. Everything we knew about constructing an intro, subbing, cropping a picture, designing a page or writing a headline we knew it because of Harry. It was drummed into us... He was to journalism what Doctor Spock was to child-rearing... the journalist who reminds us all why we all wanted to be journalists. At a time when some people are giving journalism a bad name he is somebody who gave journalism a good name. He represents what we could be and what we should be.” - former Guardian editor Alan Rusbridger.

"[He] transformed Fleet Street and [he] transformed the lives of all of us by understanding and appreciating that investigative journalism defines us. It earns our troublesome place in society and it makes clear for every journalist that what we do, for all our flaws, is invaluable." - former BBC head of news James Harding.

“He was the inventor of team journalism. In the editorial chair, he was a human dynamo and set in motion such a stream of powerful stories and campaigns that his rivals (I was one) could only struggle to keep up.” - Donald Trelford, former editor of the Observer.

"Evans was not just the champion of using journalism to set wrongs right. He was also a quintessential British editor who, for all his high-minded causes, understood that journalism was foremost not an intellectual pursuit but a craft – one that demanded muscular and clear language, captivating pictures, arresting headlines, perfect layout of the newspaper page... and, above all else, in a phrase coined by his foreign correspondent, a strong dose of 'rat-like cunning'.” - award-winning investigative journalist Stephen Grey, Reuters.

Sir Harold Evans, considered to be "the finest newspaper editor of his generation", the guiding light of every journalist and journalism student (myself included) for his comprehensive series of books on the subject of writing, editing, layout and impact of the journalistic craft, has died, aged 92. The world owes him a huge debt.

Having ruled Fleet Street for decades, he finally quit after Rupert Murdoch took over The Times and began to enforce his own personal and political influence on the editorial content of the paper. He departed for New York with his wife Tina Brown, latterly editor of Vanity Fair, and never looked back.

His remarkable journalistic campaign achievements included the pardon granted to the unfortunate Timothy Evans, hanged for the murders of his wife and child that were actually perpetrated by his neighbour the serial killer Reginald Christie, and the victory over the pharmaceutical company for proper compensation for the families of children born with deformities from the drug Thalidomide. His pioneering hard-hitting investigative journalism produced a string of world class scoops during his fourteen-year tenure at The Sunday Times, including the Bloody Sunday killings in Northern Ireland, the unmasking of Kim Philby as a KGB agent working for MI6 and publication of the Crossman Diaries.

As former editor of the FT Lionel Barber, in his obituary, says: "Neither lawyers nor governments could restrain him."

And who could ask for a better epitaph than that?

Harold Evans quotes: 

• "The camera cannot lie, but it can be an accessory to untruth." 
• "The democratisation of news is fine and splendid, but it's not reporting. It's based on a fragment of information picked up from television or the web, and people are sounding off about something that's not necessarily true." 
• "Attempting to get at truth means rejecting stereotypes and cliches." 
• "In journalism it is simpler to sound off than it is to find out. It is more elegant to pontificate than it is to sweat."
• “Things are not what they seem on the surface. Dig deeper, dig deeper, dig deeper.”
• “Just find out what the bloody facts are!”

RIP Sir Harold Matthew Evans (28th June 1928 – 23rd September 2020)

Are you a muffin-walloper?

From The Guardian:

Like language, our emotions are universal and whatever fears and anxieties we are now experiencing, someone else in centuries gone by has felt the same way. Here is an A-Z of archaic and forgotten words that at some point in the past exactly described an elusive sense of peace, calm and delight. So, if you want to know your agathism from your euneirophrenia, read on and draw comfort from these linguistic oddities:

• Agathism
  It’s hard to be an optimist knowing that there are tough times ahead. But in lieu of optimism, there’s always agathism – a word coined in 1830 for the belief that all things eventually get better, though the means by which they do is not always easy. It is a word to remind us that though we may be in for hard times, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
• Bummel
  Our daily constitutional needn’t be an exhausting run around the block. Derived from a German word for “strolling”, a bummel is nothing more than a relaxing leisurely walk or wander.
• Concubium
  Adopted into English from Latin in the 1600s, the concubium is the soundest, calmest, deepest part of your sleep. “That time of night when all men are at rest”, as one 17th-century dictionary put it.
• Dolorifuge
  Whatever it is that makes you happy, that is your dolorifuge: this 19th-century term describes anything or anyone that alleviates feelings of pain or sadness.
• Euneirophrenia
  One of the strangest side-effects of our curtailed routines at the moment is that our brains are working overtime while we sleep, so the word “euneirophrenia” might come in useful. It describes the wholly pleasing feeling you have on waking from an equally pleasant dream.
• Focillation
  Derived from the Latin for “nourish”, a focillation is a momentary act of comfort or refreshment. Take it as a reminder that it is perfectly fine to take some time out, whenever you need it.
• Glee-dream
  If you find solace in films or music, or find that you’re dearly missing the theatre or cinema, the word you are looking for is glee-dream. The modern form of the Old English “gleodream”, the Oxford English Dictionary defines this as “delight of minstrelsy” – that is, the pleasure that comes from a musical performance or similar entertainment.
• Heterocentric
  How we all should – and, thankfully, how a great many of us currently are – living our lives: if you’re heterocentric then you’re more concerned with other people than you are yourself.
• Interfulgent
  A fitting metaphor for the triumph of light in dark times. Derived from the Latin word for “shining”, something that is interfulgent shines through or between that which would otherwise obscure it – as sunshine through clouds or the leaves of trees.
• Jamb-friend
  A jamb is a supporting timber, of course, which makes a jamb-friend an early 19th-century word for a friend with whom you could quite happily sit by a fireside talking and relaxing well into the early hours.
• Kaffeeklatsch
  Borrowed from German in the 1800s, a kaffeeklatsch is a chattering catch-up with friends and family over endless cups of coffee. It’s a lot more poetic than the Victorian alternative: according to one contemporary dictionary, “scandal-loving women” who like to “meet over a cup of tea” were once known as muffin-wallopers.
• Laetificate
  It’s a word not much used since the 1600s, but it’s one you might need today – or might be called on to offer to someone else. Quite simply, to laetificate is to lift someone’s spirits.
• Meliorism
  George Eliot coined the word “meliorism” to define her outlook on life, once writing to the psychologist James Sully to explain that: “I don’t know that I ever heard anybody use the word ‘meliorist’ except myself.” Operating halfway between optimism and realism, meliorism is the belief that the world – no matter what shape it may be in – can always be improved by the concerted effort of mankind.
• Nikhedonia
  Nike was the Greek goddess of victory. Hedone (as in hedonism) was a Greek word for pleasure. Put those two together and you have nikhedonia – a term from psychology for the inspiring, adrenalin-raising excitement of anticipating a future success.
• Omnibenevolence
  Just as an omnipotent person has power over everything, an omnibenevolent person exhibits kindness to everything and everyone. That endless, all-encompassing compassion is omnibenevolence.
• Peeled-egg
  We’re all guilty of worrying that the worst could suddenly befall us, but rarely imagine that something just as unexpectedly wonderful could take place. JRR Tolkien coined the word “eucatastrophe” to describe an unforeseen event of sheer good fortune, but the Scots beat him to it. First recorded in Scottish proverbs dating from the 1800s, a peeled-egg is: “A stroke of good fortune which one has not had to strive for.” It was once a popular name given to farms established on land with unanticipated natural advantages.
• Queem
  Something described as queem is perfectly calm or serene – or by extension, perfectly smooth and level. Queemness, likewise, can be used to describe perfect serenity, or perfect smoothness and levelness, while two things that work queemly with one another are either perfectly harmonious, or, like two parts of a joint, snug and well adapted to one another.
• Retrouvailles
  Adopted from French, retrouvailles literally means “refinding” – but it’s more usually understood as the French equivalent of what we might call a reunion or homecoming. Recently the word came to be used more imaginatively to describe the utter happiness or joy sparked by reuniting or catching up with someone you haven’t seen in a long time. A word well worth recalling in the months ahead.
• Supernaculum
  It might be a fine glass of wine or whisky – or nothing more than a perfectly brewed and timed cup of tea. A supernaculum is a drink so appreciated that it is savoured to its very last drop.
• Traumatropism
  A tree partly felled by gales or lightning can often continue growing – albeit in some ever more unwieldy or implausible shape. That undeterred response to earlier damage is an example of a phenomenon called traumatropism. Taken literally, it reminds us that nature is stronger and more resilient than we could ever imagine; metaphorically, it tells us that harsh setbacks need not end our progress.
• Unsoulclogged
  It’s not the most handsome of words, but we’re all striving to be unsoulclogged. It is total contentment, peace of mind, and freedom from sadness and dejection – or, as one 1881 dictionary defined it, the state of “not being weighed down in spirit”.
• Villeggiatura
  When you’re tired of the city or your usual routine, it’s time for a villeggiatura. Adopted into English from Italian in the 18th century, a villeggiatura is a restorative trip or holiday to the countryside, taken to lift the spirits and unwind the mind.
• Worldcraft
  Ageing is hardly the most welcome of life’s certainties. But for every word to remind us of its drawbacks (to be eildencumbered is to be held back by age), there is one for its seldom considered positives. Worldcraft is an 18th-century word for the unmatched cumulative wisdom of an aged person whose long life has given them unique and much venerated insight – far beyond anything a younger, less experienced person could ever imagine.
• Xenodochy
  Hospitality offered to strangers. The prefix xeno comes from the Greek word for “strange” or “foreign”, but we only tend to encounter it today in xenophobia. Now seems an apt time to highlight one of its overlooked opposites.
• Yahrsider
  We are all looking out for our yahrsiders at the moment. A dialect term from the 18th century, a yahrsider is someone from the same family or town as you, or who shares the same community spirit.
• Zenobia
  A courageous and effective third-century queen of Palmyra, Zenobia expanded her kingdom into the almighty Palmyrene Empire, stretching from Ankara to Aswan. Her name has been adopted as a term for a powerful, unstoppably determined woman.

So which words are going to enter your lexicon, dear reader?

Grammar lesson

I think I may be a Gongoozler, or maybe even a Mumpsimus

I am definitely going to have to try and find a way to get each and every one of these "lost expressions" - as investigated by BBC Radio 4's literature programme Word of Mouth - into casual conversation this week.

1. Owl Jacket
Taken from the Italian ‘Giacca civetta', which refers to a jacket left on the back of a chair at work, so it looks like you are in the office working, rather than skiving at Costa.

2. Flype
An Old English word meaning to roll up your socks, stockings, leggings or jeggings, before putting them on.

3. Leper juice
An old medical term that refers to the pus found in the wounds of the afflicted. Thankfully it fell out of use due to its general horribleness.

4. Vizzying-hole
A Scots word for a peephole in a door, derived from the Old French word visée meaning ‘look’.

5. Uhtceare
An Old English word meaning to lie awake anxiously before dawn.

6. Sloom
To gently sleep or lightly slumber, from the Middle English slumen and the Old English slūmian.

7. Biffin
A deep red cooking apple. The name derives from ‘beefing’, in reference to the colour of the fruit. People would often exchange biffins at Christmastime.

8. Gongoozler
A person who likes to mindlessly stare (at anything). If only we all had more time to stare idly and do nothing. Turns out this old word has been adopted by canal boat residents and survives there to this day.

9. Snollygoster
A 19th century American term for an unprincipled, dishonest person, especially a politician.

10. Mumpsimus
An obstinate person who holds on rigidly to a certain set of beliefs even though they are wrong or disproved. The term may have been coined by Erasmus.

11. Wamblecropt
To have digestive issues that are so severe, you can’t physically move.

12. Groke
An old Scots word originally used to describe dogs staring longingly at food in order to be given some, but extended to refer to anyone gazing at grub.

13. Trullibubs
Another word for a person’s entrails, but can also be an insulting term aimed at an overweight person.

14. Sprunt
Not the soft drink that Alan Partridge was sponsored by, but a Victorian-era Scottish word meaning to chase girls around a haystack after dark. Possibly a combination of ‘spring’ and ‘hunt’.

Why don't you try them too, dear reader..?

It's only words...

"Portmanteaus are generally obnoxious. Putting two words together to create a new word is not a unique, creative skill. It's lazy kitsch."

I stumbled across a most excellent article today - Top 10 Words That Need To Die, Immediately by Rob Hart, writing for a site called LitReactor. In it, he berates the rubbish words that litter conversations and so-called journalism these days.

In Rob's list, he includes several bugbears of mine that have driven me to apoplexy in recent years, including such loathsome constructs as "bromance", "foodie" and "irregardless", as well as social-media-crap words like "fail", "nom", "totes" and "LOL".

Rob's readers came up with some that are equally deserving of scorn, such as "chillax", "troll", "diss", "OMG", "factoid", "on trend", "impactful" and "amazeballs" and the over-use or misuse of "literally", "weird", "random" and "awesome". One comment in particular made me chuckle: "unless your drunken night involved a sword, it was not 'epic'."

I could add many bêtes noires of my own to the list, not least the "management-speak" evils of "hub", "guesstimate", "integrated", "leveraging" and "synergy", or such inept "street" words/phrases as "my bad", "no problemo" or "twerk". I would implement an immediate ban on the word "like" when used as a "filler" word, or in place of "said" ("And she was, like, 'Don't diss me', like."). [The late, great Christopher Hitchens agreed.]

Like the author, I too despise lazy portmanteau words - particular irritants I have come across include "staycation", "advertorial", "prequel" (and, even worse, just yesterday I audibly gasped when I read an article in which the term "spinquel" was used; how horrible!), "frenemy", "docudrama" and "webinar". I particularly hate references to celebrities and celebrity couples as an amalgam of names ("Brangelina" and "R-Patz" are vile examples).

And all this was prompted by... Today's newspaper headlines (even in the normally stuffy Telegraph!) referring to something called "Grexit", yet another lazy way of talking about Greece's proposed exit from the European Monetary Union. I despair.

I know that bloggers (a word that is itself a "portmanteau") are a pernickety bunch.

So what words, dear reader, really get up your nose?

Amazeballs word shit

If only this wasn't quite so close to reality...

Spelling words correctly no longer matters to anyone, it has emerged.

After years of abuse the English language has finally given up and allowed anyone to use any halfwitted spelling they like.

Oxford English Dictionary editor Denys Finch Hatton said: “‘Independant’, ‘loose’ meaning ‘lose’ and ‘pacific’ for ‘specific’. The barbarians are through the gates and spelling is over.

“A population that uses ‘hun’ and ‘bae’ to save their texting thumbs simply isn’t capable of understanding diphthongs.

“Most people seem quite happy just guessing how words are spelt, so logophiles like myself will just have to learn to live with seeing ‘rogue’ spelled ‘rouge’ and ‘necessary’ as ‘nessicery’ or some other fucking abomination.”

Office worker Tom Logan said: “Language is constantly evolving so there is no such thing as correct spelling, which I point out whenever someone questions the illiterate garbage I write.

“Spelling isn’t important as long as your meaning is clear. Shakespeare couldn’t spell and he done amazeballs word shit standard innit?”

The Daily Mash.

Of course.

With the greatest respect...

A handy guide to understanding what the British really mean when we are being polite...

WHAT THE BRITISH SAY	WHAT THE BRITISH MEAN	WHAT FOREIGNERS UNDERSTAND
I hear what you say	I disagree and do not want to discuss it further	He accepts my point of view
With the greatest respect	You are an idiot	He is listening to me
That’s not bad	That’s good	That’s poor
That is a very brave proposal	You are insane	He thinks I have courage
Quite good	A bit disappointing	Quite good
I would suggest	Do it or be prepared to justify yourself	Think about the idea, but do what you like
Oh, incidentally/ by the way	The primary purpose of our discussion is	That is not very important
I was a bit disappointed that	I am annoyed that	It doesn’t really matter
Very interesting	That is clearly nonsense	They are impressed
I’ll bear it in mind	I’ve forgotten it already	They will probably do it
I’m sure it’s my fault	It’s your fault	Why do they think it was their fault?
You must come for dinner	It’s not an invitation, I’m just being polite	I will get an invitation soon
I almost agree	I don’t agree at all	He’s not far from agreement
I only have a few minor comments	Please rewrite completely	He has found a few typos
Could we consider some other options	I don’t like your idea	They have not yet decided

Read more in The Telegraph

Land of crumble, and lemon curd, and opportunity

Here's a splendid number to welcome us back to Blighty, courtesy of the wonderfully eccentric Professor Elemental:

Professor Elemental - I'm British

Indeed!

Professor Elemental website

PS Today the world celebrates Mardi Gras with feathers, carnival and glitter; we have Pancake Day - you can't get more British than that!

The cold-blooded murder of the English tongue

Charabanc trip


Croydon Aerodrome

So charabanc* and aerodrome are considered to be obsolete words, are they? Not here at Dolores Delargo Towers, they're not!

Read more in The Telegraph

We make every effort to promote such delicious words as palimpsest, flapdoodle and calumny, and refuse to call a turfing iron a spade...

And don't even get me started on the ruination of the spoken language!

Rex Harrison - My Fair Lady - Why Can't The English?

[*charabanc is apparently a French phrase meaning "carriage with benches"]

Twisty and corruptit of the basic English twenty-fido

Council leaders have compiled a banned list of the 200 worst uses of jargon, with "predictors of beaconicity" and "taxonomy" among the worst horrors.

The Local Government Association says such words and phrases must be avoided for staff to "communicate effectively".

Cliches such as "level playing field" and inscrutable terms like "re-baselining" have been prohibited.

LGA chairman Margaret Eaton said: "The public sector must not hide behind impenetrable jargon and phrases. Why do we have to have 'coterminous, stakeholder engagement' when we could just 'talk to people' instead?"

Hoorah! It looks like one of my greatest irritants may finally be tackled...

I have always been a great advocate of clear, plain English - it was my job for many years to try and translate this moronic "management-speak" into a form of words that real people could understand. Not necessarily the "conversational tone" we all adopt here in the blogosphere [itself a jargon term, but quite a cute one], but articles and information that the intended audience might actually read, and in doing so absorb any essential information or messages contained within.

It seems simple really, but somehow the assembled petty minds of the bureaucrats and "consultants" of this world have managed again and again to miss this very important point, and I sometimes despair at the incomprehensible nonsense they produce. More power to the LGA!

Professor Stanley Unwin avertisles wordyprocessy. Deep joy.

Read more on the BBC

The full list of banned words and phrases

The World of Stanley Unwin

I could slap this fopdoodle

In an obvious irony of fate, while watching this evening a fabulous examination of the life of that literary giant Dr Samuel Johnson, I stumbled across a ghastly piece on the BBC website.

An illiterate American called Masha (sic) Bell, member of the sinisterly named "Simplified Spelling Society", truly believes that bastardisation of the English language is the way forward - as if America has not been responsible for enough disruption in our fine language!

And I quote, "Worldwide, English spelling wastes zillions, not onely in terms of time and effort, but in real munny too: for remedial education and to suport functionally illiterate adults. The latter ar also mor likely to becum yung singl parents, end up in jail, be adicted tu drugs and alcohol and hav poor helth."

I despair! Our education system struggles enough with the social problems of a generation brought up on rap, text messaging and videogame-speak, without some bored Yank offering validation of the breed of ignorant youth that litters our streets by publishing this kind of clap-trap!

Read a debate between the fragrant Masha and a real person, one with an education and a vocabulary, in the BBC online magazine.

Read more of Dr Johnson and his ground-breaking dictionary