Unexpected levels of mediocrity

Grammy Awards organisers have apologised for sound issues that were caused by the music not being very good.

Viewers complained after performances by Adele, Justin Bieber and Pitbull during which something seemed to be fundamentally wrong.

A Grammys spokesman said: “We apologise to anyone watching at home who experienced unexpected levels of mediocrity.

“We strive to bring your the very best performances but obviously we have to balance that with the economic needs of vast entertainment corporations.

“Their relentless pursuit of the lowest common denominator can result in a cold, machine-like kind of song that is not especially fun or pleasing, especially when performed live.”

Taylor Swift received the Best Album award for 1989, a musical sequel to George Orwell’s novel 1984 about a factory worker living under a totalitarian regime who is imprisoned for having a sleepover with her BFF.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Mickey Mouse has grown up a cow

In five decades at the top, David Bowie influenced and worked with some of the best, the most original, the most creative artists and musicians in the world.

So, who should possibly be chosen to do an appropriate tribute to him? Brian Eno? Bauhaus? Robert Fripp? Siouxsie? Bryan Ferry? Elton John? Queen? Brian Molko and Placebo? Amanda Lear? Annie Lennox? Iggy Pop? Mick Jagger? Marc Almond? Debbie Harry? Cher? Brett Anderson and Suede? Pet Shop Boys?

No. In their infinite wisdom the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences of the United States, organisers of the Grammys, have chosen Lady fucking GaGa - a woman that even Grace Jones wouldn't touch with a bargepole ("I’d prefer to work with someone who is more original and someone who is not copying me," was her verdict; shades of Bowie's own comment on Gary Numan) - to do (in their words) "a multisensory testament to the icon". How? He had talent. She's a caricaturist.

I would scream. If the Grammys were relevant.

Footnote: During his career, Bowie was nominated for 11 Grammys but only won once - when Jazzin' for Blue Jean was awarded best video in 1985.

The hills are alive to the sound of back-slapping

The eternal "yawn-fest" that is America's Grammy Awards may well be livened up this year by the the news that Madonna is the first performer confirmed to appear live again at the event next month. But should we expect anything else worth watching? I doubt it.

Grammys are the kind of awards that mean very little to anyone outside corporate America. Winners in the past few years alone have been incomprehensible - Bruno Mars or Lady Gaga for "best" vocal? Rihanna "best" at anything (except stripping)? "Best contemporary Christian music"? Jay-Z, Jay-Z, Jay-Z..? Bleurgghh!

It is also confusing because of the sheer volume of "artists" who you'd never recognise if you tripped over them in the street. Carrie Underwood? Taylor Swift? Put either in a line-up with a selection of bit-part actresses from Hollyoaks and we'd never be able to identify them. One of the most successful artists in the awards' history is Alison Krauss ("Whoooo?"). I can safely say I wouldn't know a single thing she has ever done. A funny comment I heard today was: "I thought Ariana Grande was a font!"

But hey ho - it provides an excuse for recording industry moguls to hold a lavish get-together once a year, ignore the plebs, and congratulate each other for another year of price-fixing, manipulation of sales and pursuing "piracy" into people's bedrooms, so that's OK then.

Here is Queen Madge with an appropriately-titled song (that she sang at the 1999 ceremony)...

Madonna - Nothing Really Matters

I realise
That nobody wins
Something is ending
And something begins

Indeed.

Madonna is to perform at the Grammys on 8th February 2015.