Saturday, 31 August 2024

It’s not like there weren’t any warning signs that Starmer was a bit of tosser when we voted for him

There is literally nothing more dangerous than someone smoking in a beer garden. If you find yourself caught up in this terrifying situation, follow these government guidelines.

Do not approach them
Catching a whiff of fag smoke will expose you to a smell you don’t like for a few seconds, which is intolerable, and you will instantly get cancer and die. There is also the risk of a small fleck of hot ash landing on your clothes, causing you to combust like the Human Torch. Maintain a safe distance of at least 100 metres.

Raise the alarm
Call 999. Once a rapid response unit has been dispatched, start shouting: ‘DANGER! DANGER! SMOKER IN OR NEAR THE PUB BEER GARDEN!’ Don’t worry this might be an overreaction and people will laugh at you. Many members of the public have an obsessive hatred of smoking in all its forms, such as the ones who have convinced themselves they can smell odourless vapes halfway down the street, and it is like inhaling bubblegum-flavoured mustard gas.

Neutralise the smoker with passive-aggression
Keir Starmer has been justifying his control freak tendencies by claiming the last wheezy handful of smokers in the UK is a massive burden on the NHS. Use the same tactic, eg. "Do you want sick kiddies to die because the hospital spent all the money on ashtrays?" Passive-aggression is always pathetic, but it’s not like there weren’t any warning signs that Starmer was a bit of tosser when we voted for him.

Deploy a public information campaign
Nothing changes people’s behaviour like an embarrassingly bad public information campaign. Older readers will remember ‘Evil Mr Nick O’Teen’, which completely stopped you smoking when you were 11 but somehow stopped working when you were 16. It’s odd that the character, charismatically dressed as a cigarette, did not appear in the recent Superman films.

Alert the ‘Smoking in pub gardens’ tsar
Report the incident to the newly-appointed ‘Smoking in pub gardens’ tsar, who will be some pointless political hanger-on like Trevor Phillips or Jo Swinson. And if you are intending to visit a pub to drink alcohol, be sure to follow the guidelines set out by Starmer’s ‘Four pints is more than enough’ tsar.

Don protective clothing
Cigarette smoke is deadly, but it’s unlikely you’ve gone to the pub in full hazmat gear so you’ll have to improvise. Put a plastic bag over your head and seal it tightly around your neck with a full roll of Sellotape. Ignore your vision starting to blur at the edges and do not make breathing holes. Smoke might get in, which would be unsafe.

Don’t be a hero
If the pub garden smoker persists with their foul habit, you might be tempted to stop them yourself by punching them repeatedly and stamping on their Marlboro Light. This is brave but foolhardy. Stick to the official advice: retreat to a place of safety and let trained police snipers take them down with a headshot.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[The "real" story - a sad indictment of how voting Labour will always get us a Nanny State. Cunts.]

Friday, 30 August 2024

Up, up to the sky


Oh, those God-botherers..!

TFFT! It may only be a four-day week thanks to the Bank Holiday, but I feel like I have been through four rounds with Mike Tyson already. Just seven hours to go...

...and it's time to party!

Who better to raise our spirits and get our boogie on than the delightful Silver Convention?!

Try not to crick your neck emulating these dance moves, dear reader - and Thank Disco It's Friday!!

Have a great weekend, peeps!

Thursday, 29 August 2024

This odd diversity of misery and joy

"She could take the melody in her hand, hold it like an egg, crack it open, fry it, let it sizzle, reconstruct it, put the egg back in the box and back in the refrigerator and you would've still understood every single syllable." - Quincy Jones

We have an important centenary to celebrate today, dear reader - that of the utterly magnificent Miss Dinah Washington! All hail.

The former Ruth Jones took the music world by storm with her crystal clear, multi-range vocals - perfectly suited to jazz, blues, torch songs and big band music alike. She worked over the years with the top names in the industry, including Lionel Hampton, Louis Jordan, Brook Benton and the aforementioned Quincy Jones, and was certainly an influence on later artists like Aretha Franklin (and all other blues and soul artistes thereafter).

Remarkably, by the time of her accidental death in 1963 from an overdose of sleeping pills at the age of 39, she had already had seven husbands and recorded a back catalogue of fabulous music of which many artists would have been proud. One can only imagine what more delights Miss Washington would have given the world had she lived longer...

[And just look who's playing "continuity announcer"!]

And of course, a record for which she is perhaps most famous these days (written, of course, by the Master - Noel Coward):

We're mad about her!

Dinah Washington (born Ruth Lee Jones, 29th August 1924 – 14th December 1963)

Wednesday, 28 August 2024

Today is gonna be the day


Many happy returns to the very lovely "friend of the gays" Hannah Waddingham, 50 today!

Another snippets post today, dear reader:

  • Bearskin/bare skin news: A guardsman who served at HM The Queen's funeral and at the Coronation of King Charles has been crowned "Mr England" in a beauty contest. I'm standing to attention as we speak...
  • Hello Barbie, let's go party: Nokia has launched a new "Barbie phone" for kids that has - gulp - no social media access. Poor darlings.
  • And finally - Gallagher ceasefire news: You'd have to be living on another planet to have missed the news that famously-bickering Liam and Noel Gallagher have put aside their fierce insults to re-form mega-90s band Oasis for a massive tour next year. Defintely, maybe. To round things off nicely, here's their all-time classic, and my fave track of theirs:

And the weather? An "Indian Summer" is upon us!

Tuesday, 27 August 2024

Back from a fantasy

Aaaaaargh!!!

Holiday is over...

Back to life, back to reality
Back to life, back to reality
Back to life, back to reality
Back to the here and now, oh yeah

Show me how
Decide what you want from me
Tell me maybe I could be there for you

However, do you want me?
However, do you need me? How
However, do you want me?
However, do you need me?
However, do you want me?
However, do you need me? How (however)
However, do you want me?
However, do you need me?

Back to life
Back to the present time
Back from a fantasy, yes
Tell me now, take the initiative
I'll leave it in your hands
Until you're ready, yeah

Have a good week, dear reader. I won't.

Monday, 26 August 2024

Outdoor living, alright

After the apocalyptic rain on Saturday, yesterday the weather was lovely enough for our Grand Picnic to go ahead in Regent's Park - the first one that hasn't been rained-off for a few years! We had a proper swing band playing the bandstand, and there was even a "swing dance tutorial" going on, which proved very popular in the sunshine. A great finale to a hectic yet very enjoyable couple of weeks off...

It may be our last Bank Holiday here in the UK until the Festering Season, but I haven't forgotten it's a Tacky Music Monday, dear reader!

With happy memories of our weekend in Amsterdam still very much in our hearts and minds, here's something suitably Dutch (and completely crazy) to fit the bill:

Make the most of the sunshine, folks!

Sunday, 25 August 2024

All systems go, the sun hasn't died

Our little "gang" is gathering in some numbers today at Regent's Park for our Grand Picnic - and copious quantities of booze and food will no doubt be consumed! A good way to finish off my holiday, methinks...

There is apparently a swing band playing at the bandstand, which will be fab - but meanwhile, another little something from our own "house band" is in order:

Wow!

Saturday, 24 August 2024

A live and lively broadcast

It is the centenary today of the birth of one of the greats of the genre known as "light music", Mr Alyn Ainsworth. Conductor and arranger with the BBC Northern Dance Orchestra for many years, he conducted at the Royal Command Performance three times, and the orchestra for the Eurovision Song Contest on five occasions, as well as contributing the music to a whole load of light entertainment shows with the likes of Cilla Black and Lena Zavaroni.

And here he is to provide today's "musical interlude", in the all-smoking, all-cardigans, hi-tech world of the BBC!

How many "celebrities" did you spot, dear reader? Tee Hee.

Friday, 23 August 2024

Feel me, heel me, chase me, chase me, move me, soothe me, tease me, leave me

It's the end of the week, and we know what that means - party time!

These are the disco balls in the simply fabulosa bar The Queen's Head - the venue where these creaky old bones found a new lease of life, as I, Baby Steve, Alex and Madam Arcati danced the night away!

.... and so it's only right that this song should be our "call to arms" to launch my final [admittedly a long one - it's a Bank Holiday on Monday] weekend of holiday - and Thank Disco It's Friday!!!

Such a fab choon!

Have a great weekend, dear reader!

Thursday, 22 August 2024

You turned up with a gang of similarly spotty little mates


Local papers will be full of clichéd photos like this again

Kids who get their GCSE results by email today will never know the fun of results day in the past. Here’s how yours played out.

Walked two miles to open an envelope
You couldn’t just open your email on your phone while lying in bed to discover your results in the 90s. No, you had to physically traipse all the way there to be handed an envelope by a teacher obviously pissed off at having to come in during the holidays. At least you got to see your mates, unlike the phone-obsessed Gen Z loners you’ve raised.

Shrugged at your results
These days there is a huge amount of pressure on young people to get incredibly high grades, but back in the day it didn’t seem to matter so much. Obviously you needed to get into the sixth form, but getting a couple of Cs in English and Maths was all you technically needed for university. Once you did eventually get to uni it’s not like you had to worry about paying back £45,000 tuition fees if you were actually too thick to be there.

Didn’t get chosen for the photo in the local newspaper

The only people who got chosen for the obligatory ‘jumping in the air’ photo were the kind of swingy-haired middle-class netball girls that the photographer from the local paper enjoyed perving over. You and your flared-trouser-wearing, roll-up-smoking indie mates were never going to get picked, even though you got way better grades than those PE-obsessed cretins.

Queued up at a payphone to break the news to your parents
You couldn’t text your parents, or send them a Snapchat, or record a reel. No, you had to stand in line at the single payphone outside the school reception and wait until you could phone them. And when you did, they weren’t in anyway, and you had no other way to get hold of them. Oh well, they could wait until you got home 14 hours later.

Went down the pub
Yeah, so you weren’t even 17 yet but you knew the landlord in the Crown and Anchor would turn a blind eye, despite the fact you turned up with a gang of similarly spotty little mates chattering on about starting sixth form next month. After three Archers and lemonade you ran out of cash, because you only got a fiver a week pocket money.

Headed to a park with some cheap cider
After asking a strange man outside the off licence to purchase two litres of White Lightning with your remaining £2, you and your mates went to the nearest park to get thoroughly shitfaced. After you passed out, one of your mates reversed the charges in a phone box to call your mum and an important rite of passage on your great journey to adulthood ended in serious trouble and vomiting copiously.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Wednesday, 21 August 2024

Damn right it's better than yours!

Sharing the day, as she does, with an assortment of random notables such as Dame Janet Baker (91), Princess Margaret, Aubrey Beardsley, Count Basie, Kenny Rogers, Usain Bolt, Kim Cattrall, Peter Weir, Friz Freleng, Patrick Juvet, King William IV, Barry Norman, Joe Strummer and Liam Howlett of the Prodigy, it's the 45th birthday today of Kelis (Rogers)!

Always more successful over here in the UK than she was in her native USA, it all began with this one [which I cannot deny I found irritating when it was first released, but - gulp! - 21 years down the line, it has become a bit of a camp classic, and we still sing it!]:

Surprisingly, there are quite a few other songs in her repertoire that - probably because they were all collaborations - she gets less credit for than she deserves, including these three:

Of all her work, however, this one [from summer 2010] remains my favourite:

Faboo!

Tuesday, 20 August 2024

Of Wallen, Appeltaart, Jonge mannen, Dansen, Grachten, RIPs en Hartjes

We're still coming down to earth after another fantabulosa long weekend in "our second home", Amsterdam!

Madam Arcati, Baby Steve, Houseboy Alex and I wandered the grachten, spent hours just people-watching, visited sleazy flesh-pots (Spyker Bar is our fave) and bruin cafes, paid our tributes to Café Montmartre - for many years my/our best-loved bar in the 'Dam - which has closed after 42 years but is due to reopen in a new location sometime later this year, ate at FEBO and Eetsalon Van Dobben, sang along to Dutch songs at Café 't Mandje, and just basically enjoyed ourselves!

It was a joy to once again be in the centre of things [our hotel is in the Red Light District!] for "freshers' weekend" - where loads of gorgeous boys in white shirts and ties (or sometimes just topless) play silly games, drink and dance on boats, and make a lot of noise all over the place:

[see our visit to Amsterdam in 2019 for a photo from that year's event]

We were also, for the first time in years, encouraged - nay, cajoled - to dance by the faboo DJ at The Queen's Head! And dance. we certainly did - for several hours!!


[I would post the video evidence, but it's just too embarrassing]

A great discovery this year was the wonderfully historic Jordaan landmark Café 't Papeneiland, home of possibly the most delicious Dutch apple pie ever!

And, to finish - on our last day, before we needed to depart for our flight home, we once again caught the "indelibly Amsterdam" Zeedijk local festival - where a full breakfast is laid out all along the street for all to consume, and men dress as women and women dress as men - Hartjesdag!

We departed, tired but happy.

Is it good to be back?

NO!!


Did we miss anything while we were away? Ukraine's still having a bit of a morale-boost as President Zelenskiy's surprise incursion across the border continued to hold, much to that cunt Putin's chagrin; the papers were, and still are, all over the news that a tornado struck a super-yacht owned by one of Britain's wealthiest self-made billionaires and several mega-rich people are missing, presumed dead as a result; a fire in the roof of a wing of historic Somerset House in London took five fire engines and a crew of 100 firefighters to extinguish - with (thankfully) no damage to any of the building's art collections; the world's oldest woman died, aged 117; and, finally - some boffin or other with more time on his hands has proposed that ice-lolly-licking should be in the UK school curriculum.

We missed marking the 90th birthdays of Love Letters singer Ketty Lester and the fine old British actor Sir John Standing, Downton Abbey creator Lord Julian Fellowes' 75th, the 60th of Show Me Heaven singer Maria McKee - and, of course, the birthday of Our Glorious Leader Madonna (66)! Departures during the weekend included US talkshow host Phil Donahue (whose show became popular in the UK when shown on late-night ITV in the 1980s), "Gunner 'La Di Da' Graham" in It Ain't Half Hot Mum John Clegg...

...and one of the sexiest men ever to have graced a screen, the gorgeous Alain Delon! RIP, mon cher! [more M Delon]


And finally - did I bring anything back for your delectation, dear reader? Natuurlijk!

This:

Proost!!

Thursday, 15 August 2024

Want in Mokum ben ik rijk, en gelukkig tegelijk

By the time you read this, dear reader, we should be in the skies across the North Sea heading for our beloved Amsterdam!

Only one song will do (it's traditional!):


Geef mij maar Amsterdam
Dat is mooier dan Parijs
Geef mij maar Amsterdam
Mijn Mokums paradijs
Geef mij maar Amsterdam
Met zijn Amstel en het IJ
Want in Mokum ben ik rijk
En gelukkig tegelijk
Geef mij maar Amsterdam

"Normal" service will resume some time after our return on Monday...

Wednesday, 14 August 2024

Song of Bernadette

As you will already be aware, dear reader, Madam Arcati and I are avid arch-Sondheimites, and we whoop with joy at any opportunity to see his musical numbers sung by a stage legend. Just last November we went to see the one-night-only "An Evening With..." "Broadway Royalty" Mandy Patinkin, the originator of the part of "George" in Sondheim's Sunday In the Park With George - and this Monday we were privileged to get tickets for a similar format show starring his co-star, the original "Dot/Marie", Miss Bernadette Peters!

This may have been our third theatrical experience in a fortnight [starting with Hello Dolly!], and our second in one weekend - but what a sublime evening it was...

From Musical Theatre Review:

For her fans, this was a near-religious experience. The pre-show lobby was filled with feverish excitement and once the performance began inside the auditorium, volume levels assumed a binary deafening applause or silent awe. However, with the sense of humour and charm that has made her a star, Peters punctured any potential pretentiousness and delivered a stunning show that demands to be remembered.

She is a remarkable talent indeed - even at 76 years old, she looked amazing in her glitzy gown and trademark curly red hair.

Her show wasn't all Sondheim, of course - her brilliant transformation of the usually testosterone-heavy There Is Nothing Like a Dame from Rodgers and Hammerstein's South Pacific into a solo "seductress" number was a stroke of genius, and when she reclined over the grand piano to sing Peggy Lee's Fever, she gave Michelle Pfeiffer a run for her money!

Giving a nod to Imelda Staunton up the road, she also did cracking renditions of Jerry Herman's Before the Parade Passes By and So Long Dearie.

It was to "The Maestro", however - to whom she owes so much - that she mainly paid tribute. Despite the occasional wobble and crack in her voice, she nonetheless gave his big numbers such as Losing My Mind, Children Will Listen, Send In the Clowns, No One Is Alone and - in a standout performance that nearly brought the house down with applause - Being Alive the full-on performance they deserve.

Perhaps the most memorable number of the lot, though, was when none other than Bonnie Langford and fellow West End trouper Joanna Riding [with whom Miss Peters had recently starred in the Sondheim revue Old Friends] joined her for a briliant rendition of You Gotta Get a Gimmick. We roared!

What an evening! What show! I doubt we'll ever see the like of Bernadette Peters again...

Tuesday, 13 August 2024

Hot, hotter, hottest


Well, that's breakfast sorted...

It's a snippets post again, dear reader:

  • And, finally... Many happy returns to stern lady lesbian Tanita Tikaram, who turned 55 yesterday! By way of a celebration, here's her most addictive hit [memorably covered by none other than Liza Minnelli on her brilliant Results album]:

Love that song. Still no idea what she's on about.

Monday, 12 August 2024

Cafeetje culture?

Ha! I don't have "that Monday feeling" - I'm on holiday, we're off to see Bernadette Peters: Live from London tonight...

...and the countdown has begun to our annual "pilgrimage" to our beloved Amsterdam on Thursday! As we know, the Netherlands is one of the biggest sources of cheese (in all senses of the word) in the world.

Lo and behold, on this Tacky Music Monday - something that really could not have been cheesier if it tried!

Have a good week, dear reader!

Sunday, 11 August 2024

One Singular Sensation

Another week, another show...

In what is turning out to be one of our busiest "Social Seasons" in a few years, my beloved sister had booked tickets for me, Madam Arcati, John-John, her and her hubbie History Boy to go to the "home of dance" Sadler's Wells Theatre for the Nikolai Foster revival/revamp of an old favourite show A Chorus Line on Friday evening. In the event, she and HB tested positive for COVID, so we went as a trio...

As explained by Daz Gale at All That Dazzles:

Just one year shy of its 50th anniversary, A Chorus Line debuted in 1975, initially holding the record for the longest-running Broadway musical ever, and remaining as the seventh longest-running one to this day. West End audiences got their first chance to experience it in 1976 with revivals on both sides of the Atlantic in the decades since, as well as a movie adaptation in 1985. This production was first seen at Curve Leicester in 2021 and now embarks on a tour around the UK, including a summer season at London’s Sadler’s Wells. As the title suggests, it focuses on 17 Broadway dancers auditioning to be part of a chorus line for a new show. As the choreographer interrogates them, we learn what made each of them want to become a dancer, getting a glimpse into each individual's lives and personalities.

We did go and see the glitzy West End version [directed by the show's original co-choreographer, with Michael Bennett, Bob Avian] back in 2013, but this production has many subtle differences, not least the all-new sparkling choreography by Ellen Kane. There's also an odd gimmick in this production, whereby a hand-held camera focuses on close ups of the dancers’ faces as they struggle through the audition, projected on a big screen at the back of the stage. A bit unnecessary, we thought.

It didn't distract, of course, from the sheer intensity and breathtaking artistry of this marvellous cast of dancers, as they are made to expose uncomfortable details about their (often sad, lonely or abusive) upbringings, their triumphs and tragedies, and thus this singular assortment of oddballs starts to gel as a cohesive troupe.

As the man in charge "Zack", Adam Cooper - [the original 1995 "Swan/Stranger" in Matthew Bourne's Swan Lake which we went to see in its 2005 season] - was convincingly cold-hearted, dealing as he is with his own demons as an ageing workaholic dancer-turned-coach who never sustained the dizzy successes of his youth, and it is he who holds the whole thing together. However, it's the desperate wannabee-chorines - all seventeen of them - whose stories [ostensibly originally based upon real-life testimonies] that really create this show!

From Redmand Rance's energetic turn as "Mark" (I Can Do That), to the brilliant trio of streetwise-but-unwanted-child "Sylvia" (Amy Thornton), demeaned "Bebe" (Lydia Bannister) and put-upon "Maggie" (Kate Parr) on the beautiful At The Ballet, to the gorgeous Archie Durrant as the naive "Mark Anthony" (whose amusing story was of how he convinced himself, from his beloved medical textbook, that his first wet dream was gonorrhoea(!)), to Toby Seddon’s weirdo "Bobby" who used to break into people’s houses to rearrange their stuff, Joshua Lay and Katie Lee as married couple "Al" and "Kristine" (the latter's inability to hit a note being the subject of their number Sing!), to Manuel Pacific's heartbreaking backstory as the perpetually-abused-child-turned-drag-queen Paul San Marco - every one was a gem.

There were a few standout numbers, of course - in particular the utterly faboo Chloe Saunders as "Val", whose Dance: Ten; Looks: Three was [and always has been] one of my favourite numbers in the whole show. I was singing "Tits and ass / Bought myself a fancy pair / Tightened up the derriere" all last week! Carly Mercedes Dyer as "Cassie", the former star turn fallen on hard times (and also the ex of "Zack", which makes for much awkwardness), despite a few wobbles, did a convincing rendition of The Music and the Mirror, and Jocasta Almgill as "Diana Morales" [again - she also did the faboo Nothing earlier in the show] was pitch-perfect on the show's torch-song What I Did For Love

It was, however, the dénouement, the final ensemble number One (Singular Sensation) for which we were all waiting - and it was indeed spectacular! Opening with a very clever visual trick - as the see-through drop-curtain descended over an almost empty stage, with "Zack" reminiscing about his heyday, he plucked what we thought was a painted gold top hat from the screen, plonked it on his head, and turned to face the suddenly illuminated chorus line players - all sparkling in gold from top-to-toe.

As the song builds and builds, Miss Kane's choreography was an eye-popping swirl of perfectly-coordinated dancers, high-kicks, hat-raising, "Fosse-esque" hand-flicks - all accompanied by fireworks and a cascade of (gold, of course) glittery ticker-tape!

Utterly magnificent.

We loved every minute!

A Chorus Line is at Sadler’s Wells until 25th August 2024.

[all photography by Marc Brenner; click to embiggen]

Saturday, 10 August 2024

Our Lady of the Flowers grows shadier by the hours

It's my birthday!

As I am opting for a verrrry laid-back sort of day - where "a bit of pottering" or "doing fuck all" are both in the mix - here's a little personal fave of mine, that I might as well have as my theme tune for the occasion:

Mauve cravat and corduroy jeans
Well we all know what that means
A halo of curls
For Satyricon girls

Our Lady of the flowers
Grows shadier by the hours
Lady Stardust, Judy Teen
In your own Moonage Daydream

Blusher smeared across your cheeks
Kohl that stayed around for weeks
Smudged on your eyes
A Biba disguise
Maybelline in shades of green
Coloured up your teenage scene
Light of foot and limp of knees
In the 1970's

Last night's panstick
On yesterday's grime
You displayed all your bruises
While I covered all mine
Elusive mercurial
Effeminate ethereal
They whisper as you swish by
Your eyes up to the sky
Lavender, lavender
He's got a touch of lavender
Lilac and lavender
Lavender

Heartache Noir leaving a scar
Exploring all the shades to be
Through life's black and white TV
St. Dirk of Bogarde
Showed you what to discard
So you splashed on some Brut
And lowered your voice
When Charlie was really your choice

Last night's Lurex gave yesterday shine
You held on to your sparkle
While I lost all mine
Those long drunken nights
With the misfits and rebels
Playing the angel
While sleeping with devils
Lavender, lavender
He's got a touch of lavender
Lilac and lavender
Lavender

And this is the part
Where you'd get beaten up
But you're saved by a quip
And a whole lot of luck
Frankie and Charlie have gone
Now Larry and Kenny
Once they all had a beard
Sadly now don't have any

Last night's indiscretion
Was yesterday's crime
You stayed true to yourself
But I was poisoned by my time
Elusive mercurial
Piss-elegant ephemeral
They whisper as you swish by
Your eyes up to the sky

The renters on the 'Dilly
In their fake leather jackets
Say she's 'ere on the meat rack
Knowing all of the rackets
Where everything's gift wrapped
And coming in packets
Just a knock on the door to some
Club where no need to say more

Lavender, lavender
He's got a touch of lavender
Lilac and lavender
Lavender

So much there's not to say
You don't have to anyway

Indeed.

Friday, 9 August 2024

Ain't nothin' left in this whole world I care about

"All the ills of mankind, all the tragic misfortunes that fill the history books, all the political blunders, all the failures of the great leaders have arisen merely from a lack of skill at dancing." - Moliere

Woo-hoo! Just one more day of slog to go, and I will be off on annual leave for the next seventeen days (including the Late Summer Bank Holiday)!!

We're off to Sadler's Wells Theatre tonight to see a new production of A Chorus Line, which is very exciting - but meanwhile...

...get your best "Egyptian priest"/blue tinfoil number out of the wardrobe, just like Odyssey - and Thank Disco It's Friday!

Have a fantabulosa weekend, dear reader!

Thursday, 8 August 2024

Now I'm really gonna burst your bubble

“There’s something a bit peculiar in every one of us, and I think that when you reflect everybody’s secret fantasy they get a bit worried and try to hide you in the cupboard, really.”

“[People] always want to know – am I gay, bi, trans or what? I say, forget all that. There's got to be a completely different terminology and I'm not aware if it's been invented yet. I'm just Pete.”

How very remiss of me - I almost missed the fact that the "Freak Unique" himself, Pete Burns would have celebrated his 65th birthday this week!

Let's make up for that, shall we?

I could offer you a thousand things
But with a lot of them, you wouldn't bother
I could buy you ten real diamond rings
But I'm sure that you would want another
I could take a plane and I could fly away
I could steal a car and I could drive away

You have brought me a lot of things
But the main one that you've brought was trouble
You put your finger to the trigger and you shot my heart
Well, now I'm really gonna burst your bubble
I could take a plane and I could fly away
I could steal a car and I could drive away

But I'm in too deep, there's no getting out of it
In too deep, no doubt about it
In too deep, there's no getting out of it
In too deep, no doubt about it

I could call you a lot of things
I could say there'll never be another
Every time the situation feels like it is close
I've got to turn around and say don't bother
I could take a plane and I could fly away
I could steal a car and I could drive away

But I'm in too deep, there's no getting out of it
In too deep, no doubt about it
In too deep, there's no getting out of it
In too deep, no doubt about it
In too deep (There's no getting out of it)
In too deep (No doubt about it)
In too deep (There's no getting out of it)
In too deep (No doubt about it)

We still miss him.

Peter Jozzeppi "Pete" Burns (5th August 1959 – 23rd October 2016)

Wednesday, 7 August 2024

Nova musica

I've had a bastard of a busy day, dear reader - so how about I take you on a trip through some of the newer tracks that have caught my ear of late, by way of solace?

To start (and we have to start somewhere), how about something to make us feel Happier?

Another "house fave band", and another delightful earworm...

The ever-marvellous Mr McClintock and one of his faboo mashups:

Courtesy of "everyone's favourite man-trap", Mistress Maddie - this [love that queeny dancer!]:

Something that's not new at all - it's actually from 2018 - but it's new to me [courtesy of the faboo Liza Tarbuck on Radio 2, again], so that's all that counts!

And finally, saving the best to last, the return of old, old, old faves Yelle...

As ever, let me know your thoughts...

Tuesday, 6 August 2024

A piss-poor analogy for the pandemic told through monologues and shadow puppetry

Six Edinburgh Fringe performances that will make you give up on the arts forever

You like to think of yourself as a patron of the arts, because why else would you spend the best part of a grand on three nights in Scotland? Here are the shows you will most bitterly regret booking.

Student written play
When a sodden teenager thrust a disintegrating flyer into your hand, you couldn’t help but take up the call to be their hero. But you rue your kindness now. All the money in the world (which their accents imply their parents possess a great deal of) couldn’t save this piss-poor analogy for the pandemic told through monologues and shadow puppetry.

Something ‘immersive’
As much as you’re a liberal thinker, you’re of the firm belief that watching a show is a sedentary activity. They didn’t make you ‘vote for who you think is the true villain’ when you watched Top Gun: Maverick, and you didn’t have to take part in a shit flash mob dance that almost made you cringe your colon out either.

Improv (any)
Nothing can replicate the deep sense of dread you feel when they close the doors and you realise that not only are you sat on the front row, but the crowd is outnumbered by the cast, so you’re definitely going to be on stage at some point in the proceedings. You’ll be considering faking a heart attack just to escape it.

A 90s comedian’s big comeback
You should be on solid ground here, you worshipped this guy when you were younger because he was so edgy and cool. Except he’s aged really badly and you can’t help but be distracted by the constant reminder that the passage of time must have ravaged you too. Plus, all his material on his kids is mediocre.

A circus with a message
Of course you’re against animals in circuses, it’s completely cruel and unethical. But when that clown starts up yet another bit of mask work about climate change, would you really object that much to a tiger pulling a Siegfried & Roy and getting this whole experience over much faster?

The Fawlty Towers dining experience
Why the fuck did you even book this? What is wrong with you?

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[Edinburgh Fringe]

Monday, 5 August 2024

Hallelujah!


Monday again...

Yet again, the fates decree that weekends (especially really enjoyable ones) must fly by faster than any time spent in work.

Never mind, eh? This is my last week in work before I have a fortnight's annual leave - with my birthday looming on Saturday, and a long weekend in Amsterdam on Thursday next to look forward to!

On this Tacky Music Monday, what better wake-up call could there be than a combination of the Netherlands' finest "dressing-up queens" De Toppers and the post-millennium version of 80s legends the Weather Girls?

Campness abounds!

Have a good week, dear reader.

Sunday, 4 August 2024

Go and taste Saturday's high life!


Wow wow wow, fellas!
Look at the old girl now, fellas!
Dolly'll never go away again.

Wow, wow, wow, indeed!!

From Adam Bloodworth in City AM:

Plenty of musicals made in the middle of last century are given glittering revivals, but rarely do they look and feel as contemporary as Dominic Cooke’s adaptation of Hello Dolly!, this year’s most hyped musical.

Cooke plunges us into an 1890s New York so richly realised through pops of colour and set pieces that it can feel cartoonish in its eccentricities. Great trolleybuses veer onto the stage, warm colour washes pulsate like club lighting, and the fashion is out of this world. Musicals at the Palladium typically pull out all the stops, but somehow Hello, Dolly! has found new ways of raising the roof.

Indeed, the roof was well-and-truly raised last night, as Madam Arcati, Hils, History Boy and Our Sal went along to see it.

Probably maestro Jerry Herman's most-lauded and enduring work, it's a roller-coaster of ever-moving parts - from energetic dance number to energetic dance number, endless perambulation [brilliantly assisted by the moving conveyor], streetcars, scenery changes and even a steam train!

Packed full of classic and familiar* musical numbers such as Put On Your Sunday Clothes [which has been an earworm for me all weekend], Just Leave Everything to Me, Before the Parade Passes By, (We've Got) Elegance, So Long Dearie, It Takes A Woman, and of course the title number, we knew the show was going to be an "internalised singalong" evening [*apart from the Megababs film, we also saw the Timothy Sheader/Stephen Frears production of the show at the Regent's Park Open Air Theatre way back in 2009].

The cast was superb - including Tyrone Huntley as the wide-eyed teen "Barnaby", Harry Hepple (whose solo number It Only Takes a Moment was beautifully done) as "Cornelius Hackl", Jenna Russell as "Irene Molloy", Emily Lane as "Minnie" and Emily Langham as the perpetually-hysterical "Ermengarde".

A particular stand-out number was Miss Russell's ode to seeking pleasure Ribbons Down My Back - we've seen her on stage quite a few times; in Guys and Dolls (opposite Ewan McGregor, back in 2005), Into The Woods, Merrily We Roll Along, and the gala Stephen Sondheim's Old Friends - a Celebration, and she never fails to impress!

Andy Nyman [who we saw in Assassins and Abigail's Party] was great as the cantankerous "Horace Vandergelder" - a self-made man, yet no match for the "matchmaker" herself! His soliloquy on wealth Penny in My Pocket was indeed impressive.

Regardless, it wasn't any of them that the packed-out Palladium audience had come to see. Oh, no - it was Dame Imelda Staunton as "Dolly Levi" whose presence commanded us all...

And, my heavens! She was utterly fantabulosa!

As Kate Kellaway in The Guardian put it:

Staunton’s star quality - she shines in her emerald ballgown like a queen descending the restaurant’s appropriately golden stairs - depends on her miraculous ability to stay genuine and intent, no matter how far-fetched the goings on around her. Naturalness and charm make her a joy to watch. She gives us a Dolly who exults in being herself, yet whose eyes fill with tears whenever she consults her dear departed philanthropist husband...

Amen.

Remarkably for a woman of 68, her pint-size presence dominated the massive stage, and she kept up with every frenetic twirl, march, kick and dance the role demands. Her vocals were the best we've heard her - and we've seen her in some demanding roles, including in Follies, Gypsy and Sweeney Todd - at times poignant (Love, Look in My Window), and at others utterly joyful...

...especially on the triumphal show-stopper Hello Dolly!, the best scene in the whole show, complete with its brilliantly-choreographed (by Bill Deamer) Waiters' Gallup.

We loved absolutely everything about this show! Imelda Staunton certainly is "back where she belongs" - the hottest ticket in town.

Hello Dolly! is only at the London Palladium until 14th September 2024, so if you can, get a ticket before the parade passes by!