Midwest trans, gay superheroes, a Messiah, brown skirts, Elsie and tomato masturbation

[photo courtesy of Krys at KrysPhotos]

Yet again, Paul Burston proved that Polari is more than merely "London's peerless gay literary salon", it is in fact one of the best evening's entertainment you can have with your clothes on! John-John, Craig, little Tony, Ange, "Polari virgin" Vicky, our Paul and I (and an audience that not only included regulars such as Val (VG) Lee but also the estimable Marcus Reeves and gay royalty Bette Bourne) were treated to a spectacular selection of divertissements last night.

Opening with a visual tribute to the cover art of Bowie's new album The Next Day, Paul introduced a newcomer to such events, the diminutive Lucy Danser.



Miss Danser apparently studied Acting and Playwriting at the University of Indiana in Bloomington - a MidWest city not famous for its multicultural tolerance - where, to her surprise, she encountered a most unusual restaurateur, Rachael. This remarkable trans individual - formerly known as Eric - and her valiant struggle to maintain "Rachael's Café" as an oasis where everyone is accepted with no exceptions, standing firm against archetypal Redneck attitudes, inspired Lucy to write a play based upon her life. Miss Danser read us a passage from this fascinating work, which illustrated the difficulties of running this unique venue perfectly. Rachael's Café has been staged at fringe festivals in Edinburgh, Dublin, London and Brighton, and I hope it gets the support it deserves for a proper theatrical run...



Our second reader, Will Davis is an award winning writer and trapeze artist (a most unusual combination, admittedly). As on the last occasion we saw him at Polari, it was the former skill with which he entertained us - with a rather fab and hilarious short story Super Closet, about the bothersome experiences of a world-famous superhero struggling with potentially the only foe that might defeat him - his own homosexuality, and society's homophobia. A brilliant concept, excellently delivered. We were enraptured.



However, our next performer took us on a completely different and unexpected course, as Paul introduced "boylesque" performer Mr Mistress as "The Gay Messiah"! Mere words cannot describe this incredible piece, so here he/she is in person:

Mr Mistress - Gay Messiah

Still reeling from that performance, it was almost time for the break when the stage was invaded by a most unusual protestor - "Barbara Brownskirt from Penge"! Resplendent in cagoule and sensible shoes, she "treated" us to some of her - ahem! - poetry, before being unceremoniously chucked out (to go and "invade the Lesbian and Gay Film Festival", apparently)...



It was, of course, a brilliant and hilarious piss-take by none other than our next reader and Polari favourite, the wonderful Miss Karen McLeod. After the break, the lady herself took centre stage (looking a lot better than her "Barbara Brownskirt" incarnation). She treated us to two of her beautifully-written short stories - both of which feature on her magnificent blog The View From The Thirteenth Floor - the rather funny Sorry, Simon Amstell and rather more touching My Name is Elsie, about escorting her Mum to see her Aunty in a nursing home:

Mum gets out a box of Maltesers. I pull off the cellophane as Mum says her fingers aren't working today.

I notice Elsie looks like her sister, my mum's mother, my grandmother. It's the look of being old, crumpled and tired. Her legs have lost all shape of ankle. I go into the room to fetch her cardigan and skim the row of old folks in the main room. This Morning is on TV and I start praying that I don't end up sat in a room filled with sleeping strangers, watching Eamon Holmes' equivalent. But then again they probably prayed not to be old once too. I stop myself from welling up. I think how all the people look strangely alike.

Karen writes so beautifully. We were stunned...



Before we had chance to get too maudlin - difficult anyway, given Miss McLeod's bubbly personality - it was time for our headliner, cartoonist Steven Appleby!



We loved his previous visit here back in December 2011, and this time he began with a bit of a recap of his story, his life, and the wild imaginings that permeate his drawings - including favourite characters "Dragman" and "Loomus". However, there was an even greater treat in store, as he plucked from a pot (that Val Lee had been around collecting from the audience earlier) a selection of people's "hidden secrets".

From two of these - "I was tempted to push someone off the platform on the Tube" and "I was supposed to plant my tomato seeds, but spent the morning masturbating instead" (!) - he proceeded to create pieces of his wonderful artwork before our eyes!



It was a joy to behold, and a fitting culmination to a brilliant night...





We love Polari!

Award-winning author Paul Bailey headlines the next outing for Polari at the Royal Festival Hall on Friday 26th April 2013. I can't wait...

Dragman, faux fox, Santa's syndrome and snapping fingers

In the last 'peerless gay literary salon' - Polari - of the year, the theme was understandably Christmassy, and Paul Burston, resplendent in a faux fox fur borrowed especially from Lana Turner or Arlene Dahl for the occasion, had a marvellous line-up of entertainment ready and waiting for the packed house of regulars and literary types (and the lovely actress Barbara Ewing, of Brass fame, too)!



Opening the show with a real element of sparkle and pizzazz was the inaugural live appearance for house fave Mr David McAlmont's new project Fingersnap, with pianist Guy Davies (visit their website). Their song Some Kind of Masterpiece particularly caught my attention:

Fingersnap - Some Kind of Masterpiece

A couple more numbers, including an Amy Winehouse memorial, later they concluded with a particularly poignant ballad. For our friend Ange (proudly sat with us at the front of the stage) had a couple of years ago submitted a story to Mr McA in response for his call for ideas for themes for his songs. She had told him the full story of the difficult birth of her son James, born prematurely on Christmas Day, and it had moved him so much he wrote this song, Merry Christmas is You, as a tribute:

Fingersnap - Merry Christmas is You

Having moved everyone to tears and sniffles it was time for a bit of light relief!



And right on cue, the very wonderful Rebecca Chance (aka Lauren Henderson) bounced onto the stage to play the "MC" rather than reader for a change and introduce our first reading. She explained that as she was currently in Casualty (the programme not hospital!) the former Corrie actress and screenwriter Tracy Brabin was unfortunately unable to appear in person to read from her forthcoming novel, so in her place the actress Siân Reeves (apparently nominated "Best Villain" at the British Soap Awards 2010 for her role as Sally Spode in Emmerdale) would take the spotlight.

She treated us to some rip-roaring passages from Tracy's work in progress, her novel Paradise, featuring the suffocating consequences of a family argument involving a rebellious teenager. It sounded fabulous, and I look forward to reading the finished work!





Steven Appleby is one of my favourite off-the-wall cartoonists. The outpourings of his bizarre imagination have followed me around through the years, ever since he first started publishing them in the NME in the 1980s - and since then, of course, he has had regular comic strips in such esteemed tomes as The Times, The Observer and The Sunday Telegraph, and currently The Guardian. [Check out his Loomus cartoons for inspiration!] I had never seen him in person however, and had no idea he would be wearing a sparkly skirt and jacket with such aplomb - a style that has inspired Lesley Joseph, no doubt.



Steven introduced the unsuspecting audience to "his world", much of which is featured in his new collection, The Coffee Table Book Of Doom. A fascinating world it is, too! I loved it - being familiar with some of the cartoons that form Steven's "favourite things" - as did the audience, who gave him rousing applause.

Next up was the charming Miss Susie Boyt (author of the rather fab My Judy Garland Life), who we last saw at Polari way back in February 2009.



Inspired by an article in an American magazine about a woman who claimed she suffered from "an almost-illness she called over-giving", and in the spirit of the season Susie pondered whether this was an affliction also experienced by Santa Claus:

Human beings can be terribly literal about repairing the damage of their past. I know I am. People who are most obsessed with things and their distribution are often those who grew up on the edge of plenty, looking through its windows, pressing their noses up against its lavish colours and promise.

Was that Santa’s realm, a poor-relation or very minor royal, raised in a palace in a bad neighbourhood, with no civil-list income and a Robin Hood ethic?

It’s very unfashionable just now – dammit! – to think we can change the world by giving thoughtful trinkets to our loved ones, let alone to strangers.

When shopping for gifts I nurse a desire to find presents that will prove so essential to friends’ well-being that they cannot imagine how they functioned previously without the gift, without me.

In the past people rather admired me for this tendency. Now they nudge each other and term it a neurosis. “What’s that all about?” they smirk. So I tell them the cracker-motto version, which is that when I was five, walking home from school one day, I found £200 on the pavement in £20 notes. I handed it to my mother, solemnly. Red bills which were languishing in the hall were paid. Buns were bought, more than we could eat. Suddenly I wasn’t a schoolgirl any more; I was a provider, a little war-hero, practically the man of the house. I walked a little bit taller after that. These things go deep.

And what of Father Christmas’s domestic set-up? It’s not hard to construct. Do Mrs Claus and the nippers suffer as the families of other world-class geniuses often do? “Just this year can you spend Christmas at home with us? Do you really have to work? Oh please? You’ve done the Christmas shift for as long as any of us can remember, please think of delegating this year.” Cut to Father Christmas with a pained expression and a tear in his eye, protesting in a whisper, “But darlings! It’s who I am ...”

Our headliner Ali Smith, twice-nominated for both the Orange and the Man Booker literary prizes, treated us to a couple of saucy (and very fast-paced!) extracts from her estimable works There But For The and Girl Meets Boy - her two passages were on the theme of sex; one for men (“it’s very quick”, she joked), and one for women, which lasted longer(!). Very entertaining, indeed...



And thus, with a final flourish, Mr Burston welcomed Fingersnap back to the stage for a few more numbers before it was all over until 2012...

Inspired by the furore over the appointment of the out-gay Gene Robinson, The Bishop of New Hampshire:

Fingersnap - The Bishop of New Hampshire

...and the duo's new single, I Wanna Rise:

Fingersnap - I Wanna Rise

Roll on the first Polari of the New Year!!