Thought for the Day

Meanwhile...

...you could lump together just about everyone in the current American government, in particular the thugs in that leaked online meeting, and still not get near even one of dear Oscar's brain cells.

Foiled!

'Sorry, do you mean al-you-min-ee-um?' Britain asks US

The UK has admitted it has never heard of the ‘Aloo-min-um’ the US is supposedly imposing a 25 per cent tariff on.

The unknown substance has been grouped together with steel, suggesting that it is a metal of some kind, but extensive searches have not found anything answering to the unusual name.

Business secretary Jonathan Reynolds said: “A loo is a toilet. So perhaps they’re referring to some kind of ‘loo minimum’.

“But we don’t even export toilets to the US, because they require reinforcing with titanium to accommodate their weightier citizens. Does Donald Trump want a loo? We can send him a loo. I’d imagine he’s already got one.

“Aloo-min-um. It sounds almost musical, like a cross between ‘allelujah’, ‘luminous’ and ’minim’. Perhaps it’s some form of orchestral supply item? Maybe the New York Philharmonic is gasping for it so they can perform a Gershwin season.

“Either way we’ve no clue what it is, so we’ll have to hope the tariff lasts longer than 48 hours then see if we can spot it on the export documents. Aloo-min-um. It’s fun to say!”

He added: “Aluminium? Can’t be that. The spelling’s completely different.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

"You can't hurt me. This is my world. And you can't ever leave."

On this date in history:

• 1494 Family de' Medici become rulers of Florence.
• 1799 Napoleon Bonaparte becomes dictator (1st consul) of France.
• 1921 Partito Nazionalista Fascista formed in Italy by Mussolini.
• 1923 Beer Hall Putsch organised by Hitler in Munich.
• 1938 Kristallnacht begins: pogrom against Jews in Germany and Austria.
• 1984 Wes Craven's horror film "A Nightmare on Elm Street" premieres in the US.

2016 History repeating.

Mass debating

America's presidential candidates have clashed on live television – but who won the debate?

Clinton defended deleting 33,000 personal emails including Wowcher deals that no sane person could ignore.

Trump is insane.

Clinton denied that her hair is looking increasingly similar to Trump’s and that they will eventually become a celebrity couple known as Trumcli.

Trump is insane.

Clinton rebutted attacks on her physical stamina by asserting that she now drinks Horlicks every night and has the malt levels of a 22-year-old.

Trump is insane.

Clinton is not Trump. Trump is insane.

Trump See above.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

It’s all anyone knows

I could sit and watch this for hours

America's elections have entered their umpteenth day of tedious self-indulgence with some more pointless bullshit.

Today is Super Caucus Wednesday Bullshit Thing, yet another apparently vital stage in the incredibly long, complicated and weirdly sluggish race to the White House.

This new pointless mini-election will see the heavy, hat-wearing residents of some fictional-sounding US region go and vote for either Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump or The Other Ones, which will then apparently have absolutely no effect on anything.

US political commentator Norman Steele said: “There’s everything still to play for, mainly because nothing has really happened despite this nonsense dragging on for months.

“Donald Trump is a mental, horrible jowly bastard and Hillary Clinton looks a bit stern, although you can’t blame her because her husband’s such a rascal. There’s another one called Ted who possibly used to play the character Des Clarke in Neighbours.

“That’s all I know and it’s all anyone knows, to be honest.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Dicks, sausages and holes

Brits were horrified by news earlier this week that Americans have never heard of the meaty treat known as the sausage roll. And it made us worry about what else you could be missing out on on the other side of the Pond. So here are some tips and recommendations...



We begin with a warning – just as we Brits do not always say what we mean or mean what we say, the names of our foodstuffs can be confusing to the initiated. Take, as exhibit one, the Scotch egg. These have nothing to do with Scotland. The fantastic idea of encasing a hard boiled egg in sausage meat and then covering it with breadcrumbs came from Fortnum & Mason, one of our top London food stores, some 300 years. The creators decided this would be a perfect pocket-sized snack for aristocrats travelling by horse-drawn carriage.



Another great British food that originated as a convenient meal-on-the-go (long before America introduced us to fast-food restaurants) is the Cornish pasty. This features seasoned meat and veg inside a shortcrust pastry semicircle with a crimped edge. Pasties were popular with Cornish tin miners who loved their ability to keep warm for hours and be eaten without cutlery. Cutlery, you will note, is a minefield when it comes to etiquette in our country (thanks to our young people adopting some American ways) so anything that avoids using it makes good sense. You do have versions of pasties in American mining towns, but they are not real Cornish pasties, which have a protected status under EU law and must not be imitated.



Perhaps our least appetisingly named meal, Toad in the Hole, a dish of sausages in Yorkshire pudding batter, is said to have gained its unusual moniker because it looks like toads popping their heads from a hole. Along with our other weirdly named dishes, it tastes better than it sounds.



Following on the topic of confusingly named dishes, we turn next to the Spotted Dick. This has nothing to do with men named Richard, or any kind of unfortunate medical condition. It is in fact an old-fashioned steamed pudding filled with dried fruit, usually served with custard. Many Brits have happy childhood memories of eating them as part of their school dinners.



The Yorkshire pudding is a baked batter dish that accompanies another great British dish, the roast dinner, which we eat at lunchtime on Sundays. Yes, we have a habit of referring to lunch as dinner, especially in the North of England (just to confuse you further). The Yorkshire pud was first invented in the 18th century as something to fill up those who could not afford much meat. It was baked under the meat so as to soak up the dripping, and in Yorkshire is traditionally served as a starter covered in gravy, with the meat and veg to follow.



Crumpets are fluffy and light griddle cakes, served dripping with butter for breakfast and at tea time. Since anything served dripping with butter is a Very Good Thing you can see why we love them. They are our equivalent of your pancakes and maple syrup. They are also delicious with (proper) cheese. Please be careful how you ask for them though, as “crumpet” is also old-fashioned slang for an attractive woman. You have been warned.

For the full list, including such esoterica as Bovril, Bubble'n'Squeak and the "Full English" Breakfast, visit The Telegraph.

Oh, say can you see anything about my pedigree that's phony?

What all Americans are wearing today. Apparently.

It's some kind of celebration for them 'Merkins in 'Merka [well that's how George Dubya Bush used to say it - just as he confused us over here by declaring a "War on Tourism"...*]

To celebrate with our chums over the pond - on the day that the United Kingdom wisely decided to let loose those self-declared "civilised" types to create a future that gave the world cowboys, Hollywood, the swivel chair, McDonald's, the atomic bomb, Liberace, nylon, Pia Zadora and Jay-Z - here's a wonderfully (ahem) talented troupe of artistes murdering performing the USA's second national anthem...

Yankee Doodle Dancy

Yankee Doodle, do or die, indeed.

Happy Fourth of July - here's a must-try recipe for the occasion...

[*I think he meant "Terrorism".]

Gawd help America if this is their taste in music

I always knew Americans generally have no taste in music, so it is no surprise that such pap as Lee-Ann Rimes and Debby Boone are among their most popular records ever, but...

Apparently the all-time most successful record in the history of the Billboard charts in the US is... The Twist by Chubby Checker!



Also in the Top Ten are Physical by Olivia Newton-John, Unbreak My Heart by Toni Braxton, and The Macarena...

Good grief, and this is the most powerful nation on Earth.

Read more on the BBC

I could slap this fopdoodle

In an obvious irony of fate, while watching this evening a fabulous examination of the life of that literary giant Dr Samuel Johnson, I stumbled across a ghastly piece on the BBC website.

An illiterate American called Masha (sic) Bell, member of the sinisterly named "Simplified Spelling Society", truly believes that bastardisation of the English language is the way forward - as if America has not been responsible for enough disruption in our fine language!

And I quote, "Worldwide, English spelling wastes zillions, not onely in terms of time and effort, but in real munny too: for remedial education and to suport functionally illiterate adults. The latter ar also mor likely to becum yung singl parents, end up in jail, be adicted tu drugs and alcohol and hav poor helth."

I despair! Our education system struggles enough with the social problems of a generation brought up on rap, text messaging and videogame-speak, without some bored Yank offering validation of the breed of ignorant youth that litters our streets by publishing this kind of clap-trap!

Read a debate between the fragrant Masha and a real person, one with an education and a vocabulary, in the BBC online magazine.

Read more of Dr Johnson and his ground-breaking dictionary

"Disneyfying Dickens"

This, believe it or not, is sad but true.

Dickens World is a Dickensian-themed attraction being built in Chatham, Kent and will open in April 2007.

And I quote: "The in-house attraction will reproduce the architecture of the period with picturesque archways, cobbled stoned streets and decorative features, together with specialised lighting and appropriate euphonics [sic] as well as a host of costumed characters, shop keepers and street entertainers.

The experience will feature a Dickensian Shopping Mall, together with a multitude of attractions and rides, including a mix of themed restaurants, bars and a multiplex cinema... over the Christmas period the attraction will convert into a Dickensian winter wonderland, replete with snow and other characteristics of a bygone era, complemented by a magnificent water feature which over the festive season changes into a spectacular 'ice fantasia' dominated by 'The Spirit of Christmas', 'JackFrost', 'Scrooge' and a host of other delightful characters who magically come to life. This and other seasonal events throughout the year an unforgettable experience for visitors of all ages."

Unforgettable experience, indeed! No wonder people from Chatham are known as "Chavs"... Apparently manager Ross Hutchins has said of this monstrosity, "We are not Disneyfying Dickens. If Dickens was alive today, he would probably have built the place himself. "

Read the bloody books!!

http://www.dickensworld.co.uk/

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6559197.stm