It’s not like there weren’t any warning signs that Starmer was a bit of tosser when we voted for him

There is literally nothing more dangerous than someone smoking in a beer garden. If you find yourself caught up in this terrifying situation, follow these government guidelines.

Do not approach them
Catching a whiff of fag smoke will expose you to a smell you don’t like for a few seconds, which is intolerable, and you will instantly get cancer and die. There is also the risk of a small fleck of hot ash landing on your clothes, causing you to combust like the Human Torch. Maintain a safe distance of at least 100 metres.

Raise the alarm
Call 999. Once a rapid response unit has been dispatched, start shouting: ‘DANGER! DANGER! SMOKER IN OR NEAR THE PUB BEER GARDEN!’ Don’t worry this might be an overreaction and people will laugh at you. Many members of the public have an obsessive hatred of smoking in all its forms, such as the ones who have convinced themselves they can smell odourless vapes halfway down the street, and it is like inhaling bubblegum-flavoured mustard gas.

Neutralise the smoker with passive-aggression
Keir Starmer has been justifying his control freak tendencies by claiming the last wheezy handful of smokers in the UK is a massive burden on the NHS. Use the same tactic, eg. "Do you want sick kiddies to die because the hospital spent all the money on ashtrays?" Passive-aggression is always pathetic, but it’s not like there weren’t any warning signs that Starmer was a bit of tosser when we voted for him.

Deploy a public information campaign
Nothing changes people’s behaviour like an embarrassingly bad public information campaign. Older readers will remember ‘Evil Mr Nick O’Teen’, which completely stopped you smoking when you were 11 but somehow stopped working when you were 16. It’s odd that the character, charismatically dressed as a cigarette, did not appear in the recent Superman films.

Alert the ‘Smoking in pub gardens’ tsar
Report the incident to the newly-appointed ‘Smoking in pub gardens’ tsar, who will be some pointless political hanger-on like Trevor Phillips or Jo Swinson. And if you are intending to visit a pub to drink alcohol, be sure to follow the guidelines set out by Starmer’s ‘Four pints is more than enough’ tsar.

Don protective clothing
Cigarette smoke is deadly, but it’s unlikely you’ve gone to the pub in full hazmat gear so you’ll have to improvise. Put a plastic bag over your head and seal it tightly around your neck with a full roll of Sellotape. Ignore your vision starting to blur at the edges and do not make breathing holes. Smoke might get in, which would be unsafe.

Don’t be a hero
If the pub garden smoker persists with their foul habit, you might be tempted to stop them yourself by punching them repeatedly and stamping on their Marlboro Light. This is brave but foolhardy. Stick to the official advice: retreat to a place of safety and let trained police snipers take them down with a headshot.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[The "real" story - a sad indictment of how voting Labour will always get us a Nanny State. Cunts.]

Arbitrary: based on random choice or personal whim, rather than any reason or system

We ask you: will you go in the shop and buy a 34-year-old cigarettes in two decades' time?

Outside  the newsagent in the year 2044 lurk two men in their early thirties. They hold up a £40 note and ask you to get them a packet of Silk Cut. Will you?

Bill McKay, smallholder: “No way. Smoking will stunt their growth.”

Susan Traherne, accountant: “Absolutely not. The law is the law, and the law has an arbitrary cut-off point of January 1st, 2009. I would light up, blow a lungful in their jowly faces, and tell them to piss off.”

Martin Bishop, hare courser: “Not me. Instead I would point them to someone who would do so on principle like Liz Truss or Kemi Badenoch, both of whom I expect will be hanging out down the precinct.”

Jim Bates, lighting technician: “Smoking is illegal for those mid-life reprobates. But I would get them rolling baccy for a good old English spliff, because that tradition must be kept alive.”

Hannah Tomlinson, hairdresser: “Can’t they just tell the shopkeeper the fags are for their dads?”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Read the depressing-but-true news that PM Rishi Sunak - supposed champion of the freedom to choose, hence the "Eat Out to Help Out" scheme he launched between lockdowns - and his Tory government have introduced a new bill in Parliament that is worthy of the worst of the Tony Blair "Nanny State" years; to make it illegal for anyone born after 2009 to buy cigarettes in their entire lifetime!

Shocking abuse of power. Even New Zealand didn't get their own version into law... [And Rishi's one only got through its first reading with the support of the opposition Labour Party anyhow.]

I despair.

Turns out it’s fags

The crucial element of the southern European diet that keeps natives so attractively thin is not olive oil or leafy vegetables but endless cigarettes.

Proponents of the Mediterranean diet claim emulating Spanish and Italian consumption of legumes, seeds and fruit will help you get skinny, but researchers have found their ceaseless consumption of Marlboro Lights has more to do with it.

Dr Helen Archer explained: “Northern Europeans lusting after sexy, olive-skinned Mediterraneans in skimpy swimwear have always wondered what their secret is. Turns out it’s fags.

“We experimented with two groups. One who ate nothing but sardines and artichokes in olive oil. The other who ate whatever the fuck they wanted and smoked four packs a day.

“By week three, the smokers would slip effortlessly among the bathing beauties on a St Tropez beach, while the healthy eaters were more Margate than Montpellier.”

“Turns out it’s not visiting the vegetable aisle but going to the counter that sells the scratchcards that does the trick. You die early, sure, but you die thin so who gives a shit?”

Sophie Rodriguez of Seville said: “Duh. All of my friends back home eat nothing but kebabs. The difference is they eat them between inhaling Camel Blues.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

‘Have a tinnie inbetween’

British tobacco warnings will be replaced by Australian ‘You probably won’t get cancer, mate, but go easy in case’ warnings in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

The UK will no longer be allowed to use harsh EU warnings and instead will print chilled Aussie ones, including ‘Not when the little buggers are about, mate’ and ‘Have a tinnie inbetween’.

Health secretary Matt Hancock said: “Australia isn’t like the nanny state EU. They know that the real dangers in life are riptides, crocodiles and spiders hiding under the seats of outdoor lavatories.

“So their health warnings on cigarettes, which at worst will save you the bother of spending your 70s in a care home, are relaxed, proportionate, and friendly.

“Pictures will include a cancer patient nonetheless smoking a fag and giving a thumbs-up, a tar-blackened lung riding the surf on the Gold Coast, and an outback-dwelling uranium miner with a ciggie in one hand and a Western brown snake in the other, laughing.

“There will be no impotence warnings because the condition is unknown down under, and nothing about smoking in pregnancy because those girls have got enough to worry about.”

Smoker Norman Steele said: “I knew cancer was the EU’s fault. Bastards.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[The "real" story]

And take your Pimms with you!

Smokers have reclaimed their rightful ownership of all outdoor territory surrounding pubs following a drop in temperature.

The end of summer means beer gardens have finally banished seasonal interlopers who are only outside because ‘it’s a nice place to be’, leaving al fresco nicotine dens to the hard-bitten ashen-faced addicts they were created for.

Roy Hobbs, a permanent fixture in the garden of the Red Lion in Stoke-on-Trent, said: “Go on, piss off and take your Pimms with you!

“They come out here, invading our domain with their smiles and their cheery conversations and their healthy skin tone. By August you couldn’t move for people drinking gin and tonic and playing Despacito on their phones.

“They didn’t respect our culture of puffing away in near-silence huddled under the heat lamps. They brought kids out here. Kids. Acting like it was made for them, not like Dave only cleared all the barrels and his Rottweiler out of here post-smoking ban.”

Hobbs added: “They’ve buggered off now until at least May. Our kingdom is our own again. Desolate, sunless and empty.

“Ah, that’s a lovely fag.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Ban this, ban that, ban the other...

Who the hell wants to work for Nottinghamshire County Council, anyhow?

Bunch of control freaks, I'd say.

Miss Nazimova wouldn't put up with it...

Braying, obnoxious arsewits

Britain's public houses will be functionally unbearable by 2018, it has been revealed.

Amid plans to ban smoking in the same postcode as pubs, many patrons have admitted defeat and vowed to convert their children’s bedroom into a boisterous tavern.

Drinker Wayne Hayes said: “I can’t smoke in my local boozer and thanks to aggressive taxation and the rise of ‘craft beer’ I can’t drink there any more, either. The kids can go to bed at midnight after I’ve called last orders and cleaned the ashtrays.

“It’s like I’ve been very, very slowly barred from my pub by the process of making it even more unbearable than spending the night at home.”

Calls for the ban came after a woman in Carlisle caught the faint, delicious whiff of a Marlboro Light whilst devouring a roast dinner in a beer garden last Sunday.

Nikki Hollis, a nightmare, said: “If you don’t mind, I’m trying to eat a 2,000-calorie meal the size of a Somalian while washing it down with enough Pinot Grigio to float a canoe. These wisps of smoke could kill me.”

Hayes added: “I assume pubs will still be allowed to fill their beer gardens with braying, obnoxious arsewits?”

The Daily Mash.

Of course.

It's getting unbearable, living in a Puritanical Nanny State.

Things weren't like that back in the dance band era! Over to you, Mr Jack Payne (with vocal assistance from Bob Busby and Bob Manning):

Jack Payne - Cigarette

Now, pass me a Pall Mall...

No wind, no rain, nor winter's cold can stop me, babe

Britain's cigarette addicts have confirmed that no amount of bad weather will stop them inhaling carcinogens.

With snow and sub-zero winds predicted, smokers said they would be having their fag break even if there is a cyclone with cows and buildings swirling around in it.

Sales co-ordinator Stephen Malley said: “I’m in that office for hours at a time, staring at a computer screen, hating everything about the day.

“So if you think a bit of rain, thunder or a mild blizzard will stop me going outside for a smoke, you are very much mistaken.

“And if you think I should maybe try an electronic cigarette instead, I would suggest you maybe switch to decaffeinated coffee. Yeah.”

Hospital patient Nikki Hollis agreed: “Major surgery hasn’t stopped me from enjoying hourly gaspers in the bus shelter, so I’m damned if something as paltry as 16 feet of snow is getting in my way. I am literally burning my way through all obstacles.”

Non-smoker Roy Hobbs said: “I might be likely to live a lot longer than them, but I wish I had something in my life I was that passionate about.

“They are, in their modest way, heroes.”

The Daily Mash.

Of course.

British newspapers are talking about the weather. Again.

I need a fag.

Red Ingle - Cigareets & Whusky and Wild, Wild Women

Indeed.

Offer of the Day

Gawd bless The Daily Mash!

Thought for the day

Fascism rules...

Read the latest ridiculous Nanny State proposal

First they came for the smokers, and I did not speak out - because I was not a smoker;
Then they came for the motorists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a motorist;
Then they came for the drinkers, and I did not speak out - because I was not a drinker;
Then they came for the restaurants and cafes, and I did not speak out because I didn't eat out;
Then they came for me - and there was no one left to speak out for me.

These foolish things

A very interesting piece on the BBC today:

"Artist David Hockney is backing calls for a review of the smoking ban which he says is destroying 'Bohemia'. He accused former Prime Minister Tony Blair and his successor Gordon Brown of interfering in his life and said: "I loathe them for it."

The 72-year-old lifelong smoker is supporting moves by a cross-party group of MPs to amend the UK smoking laws. They want people to be able to light up in designated smoking rooms to prevent pubs that are losing trade from closing.

Read more

Having been to Amsterdam where this system of smoking rooms in bars is in place, and to Spain where small bars are protected from smoking bans altogether (both systems working perfectly without any complaint from the "health freaks"), I wholeheartedly agree with this campaign and hope it succeeds.

A pub is a pub and a health club is a health club after all - if you have ever seen the majority of a pub's punters standing outside the building and the bar itself being empty (apart from the one "non-smoker" minding the bags) you'll know why the existing law is so stupid.

And on the subject of smoking...

Bette Davis - "Don't Let's Ask For The Moon..." (Now, Voyager)

Martha Tilton - These Foolish Things

Eddie Constantine, Jean Yanne, Sacha Distel, Claude François et Jean-Pierre Cassel - Cigarettes whisky et ptites pépées

Jack Jackson and his Orchestra - Two Cigarettes in the Dark

And finally, an interesting expose of the lies that the UK government have told in order to make sure their draconian ban is enforced: 2021 UPDATE - GONE FROM THE INTERWEBS

Niet Roken!

Well, our annual pilgrimage to Amsterdam for my birthday is over, and another lovely time was had by all. But this time there was quite a strange change afoot.

For Amsterdam, home of the happy cafe, the king-size spliff, the herbal whiff in the air, has introduced a smoking ban!

Not just any old smoking ban, either, not a British-style smoking ban where every busybody is poised on the edge of their seat just to shop you, nor a Spanish style ban where all the signs are up but everyone carries on smoking regardless. No, this is a smoking ban where it is illegal to consume tobacco in a licensed premises, but not marijuana... Apparently, officials have the right to test your joint to make sure it is pure weed - bureaucracy beyond Kafka's dreams!

So imagine the scene as the hairy baggy student types with badly-rolled homegrowns in their hands stare glassy-eyed at you through the windows, and all the polite queens huddle together outside trying to light their Dunhill or Superkings. The locals were thoroughly pissed off, as you might imagine.

Amsterdam prides itself on its laid-back attitudes. Traditional Dutch gay bars are used to building up an atmosphere through their happy hours and oom-pah music sing-alongs. But this is obviously difficult to achieve once sixty percent of the punters are actually outside - less dancing, less singing, and generally less drinking too (well if you're not sat at the bar, you aren't buying drinks!).

Nevertheless, being used to Nanny State Britain we didn't let it spoil our fun! People-watching at the canal bars by day, enjoying the camp music in the bars every evening, and the cruisy late nights - bliss!!

Manke Nelis - Laat De Hele Boel Maar Waaien

Gay Life in the Netherlands

If I won the lottery tomorrow, I'd live there...

Acting up

My favourite story of the day!

The most inventive tactic of the lot is being employed in Minnesota, USA to beat the smoking ban.

More than 100 bars across the state have started holding "theatre nights" in which patrons are encouraged to dress up in period costume and project their voices, playbills are pinned on the walls, and bar paraphernalia makes up the props.

The bars are seeking to bypass a smoking ban introduced last October by exploiting a loophole that allows cigarettes to be puffed in theatrical productions.

What began as an idea by a Minnesota lawyer, Mark Benjamin, to get round what he saw as an unjustified prohibition has snowballed into a state-wide protest. Bars have taken to calling their theatre nights "Before the Ban", which allows them to claim that their customers are in character playing themselves before the October injunction came down.

One bar in the north of the state calls its night The Tobacco Monologues. Black cloth is draped over entrances, with notices saying "Stage Entrance". And ashtrays are piled up under the label "Props". Other bars hand out badges to anyone who donates a dollar saying "Act Now!"

This is a fab idea, and one I hope will catch on here - "Camera, lights, action!"

Read the full article by Ed Pilkington in the Guardian

If it was good enough for Marlene...

As the dreaded smoking ban looms nearer, we await with horror the prospect of tumbleweed blowing down Compton Street when the weather turns colder and the smokers (the majority of punters on the Soho scene without a doubt) stay at home.

I can just sense the bigots of Westminster Council rubbing their hands with glee, proud of their investment in hordes of sanctimonious anti-smoking inspectors who will bring the mentality of the traffic warden into our places of entertainment, threatening fines or closure on venues who have a smell of tobacco anywhere within their premises. There is even a threat that the council will impose a ban on smoking in the streets outside pubs!

Our friends at Scotland's Herald newspaper and Freedom2Choose hit the nail on the head by keeping up their exposes of the hypocrisy that surrounds the ban.

Read columnist Finelma Cook's article on the Freedom2Choose blog.