What The Hell Just Happened?

We wuz robbed again (#673 in a series)!

OK, the UK's entry in the Eurovision Song Contest final in Basel on Saturday night didn't do as badly as the past two years (when Mae Muller got a meagre 24, then Olly Alexander got 46) - several countries' juries gave us points, and Italy gave us the full 12 - but once again, it seems, the voting public out there still hate us...

Still, our party was fab, raucous fun as always!

Hils (Albania), John-John (Sweden), Baby Steve (Estonia), Sally (Poland), Lou (Norway), Me (host/UK), Madam Arcati (Spain), Houseboy Alex (Italy), History Boy as "Kant" (Malta), Terry Wogan shrine.

The show - as ever - was a long haul. It opened at 8pm, with a bizarre (Swiss-style) intro involving a locked box containing the trophy, mountaineers and - ahem - goats. It closed after midnight.

We made it to the end and beyond, having endured (among many others) "Elliot Page starring in a musical Dune" [as described by The Independent] (Norway), an S&M tribute to Gaia (Poland), smiling-yet menacing "witches" (Latvia), the Icelandic equivalent of Jedward, a Munchkin singing a tribute to a far greater ESC entry in 1965 by France Gall (Luxembourg), the controversial dance number that had to change its lyrics because the plastic-surgery-afflicted singer's pronunciation of "Kant" (= "singing" in Maltese) sounded too much like "cunt", a dull (and rather flat) soul-pop ballad by a man singing to his younger self in a mirror (Netherlands), a big mama with a club banger that appeared be about hallucinogenic drugs (Denmark), another (thunder-thighed) dominatrix with a thinly-veiled song about orgasms (Finland), a dull song from a girl to whom maquillage is an alien concept (Switzerland), a woman whose idea of "set gimmick" was to have a load of sand poured on her (France), a shirtless "macho-action-hero" on a running machine (Armenia), a Bowie-wannabee [who I thought looked more like an anorexic Alice Cooper] being all pretentious with a giant-sized grand piano, and a petulant gang of bored grunge-types from Lithuania. It's nothing if not varied...

Of course, there had to be "novelty songs" or else it wouldn't be Eurovision - and two of them were in our gang's Top 5 [yes - we do all have scorecards, as well as all the dressing up, and the booze-and-buffet-of-all-nations]:

#2 - Estonia: Tommy Cash - Espresso Macchiato

#3 - Sweden: KAJ - Bara Bada Bastu

We tried, and failed, to do Mr Cash's "wobbly-leg dance" all evening!

Also scoring well in the "Dolores Delargo Towers jury" votes:

#4 Greece: Klavdia - Asteromáta

#5 Spain: Melody - Esa Diva

The voting in the actual contest was a bit different... A good chunk of the viewing time is given over to the various representatives of the professional juries of all thirty-seven participating countries reading out their votes [our spokesperson was "Dame" Sophie Ellis-Bextor!], and by the end of it the UK had not done too badly:

1 Austria 258
2 Switzerland 214
3 France 180
4 Italy 159
5 Netherlands 133
6 Sweden 126
7 Latvia 116
8 Greece 105
9 Estonia 98
10 United Kingdom 88

Unfortunately, then came the public votes - and the whole thing turned on its head! It turned into a close-run battle that saw Israel, Estonia, Sweden, Austria and Albania (in that order) at the top of the list - and no-one, in the entire voting world, gave the UK a single point. AGAIN! [Nor, interestingly, did the host nation Switzerland get any public votes either.]

Adding the two totals together inevitably meant that the ditzy little queen with the operatic counter tenor voice won the competition...

JJ - Wasted Love [Austria]:

He's talented, that much is true, but as songs go... Meh. As The Independent [again, link as above] put it, "Expect future Eurovisions to be awash with tracks resembling rave remixes of Tosca. And for the event to become ever more about optics than earworms."

Sigh.

I'll leave the final comment to "our girls" - whose performance was, in our gang's opinion, brilliant, and whose song was a damned sight better than a shitload of others for whom the audience did deign to give points:

Dolores Delargo Towers jury #1, United Kingdom: Remember Monday - What The Hell Just Happened?

Same time, next year?

Of course!!!!

Withdrawal symptoms

I am craving a Tinto de Verano!!

Yes, we're back - and in full recovery mode - after a lovely and full-on week on the Costa del Sol for Madam Arcati's birthday. We went once again en familia; this time with the Madam's sister Carol (again) and nephew Stu (for the first time) - and, of course, everyone thoroughly enjoyed themselves...

With only one "off day" - on Sunday night we had torrential storms in the wee small hours, and it remained so horrid there were only a few bars open along the paseo on Monday (all of which we visited, of course) - the sun was very welcome upon our pale British skins. A little shopping here, a lot of lovely food there, and - ¡claro está! - industrial quantities of booze everywhere, it was a much-needed week of utter hedonism. Bliss!

Now we're back in the truly miserable, cold, wet and dank UK, what did we miss while we were away..?

Not a lot, to be honest. There was endless coverage of the orange madman that Americans voted into power - his threats of tariffs against just about anyone including the EU, his crazy talk of taking over Gaza, and, in fact any of the shit that pours from his mouth. Speaking of crazy, our current government appears to be presiding over a remarkable crash of our economy - flat growth and rising inflation all round - which has served to cheer everyone up no end, as one might imagine. Especially if Chancellor Rachel "Nanny Stern" Reeves is genuinely [the screaming headline appeared in The Mail (aka Mein Kampf), so should be treated with extreme caution] considering axing or significantly reducing the annual £20,000 cash ISA (Individual Savings Account) tax-free allowance - my preferred way to save!

In other news...

• Not being a user of F**book, Tw*tter/"X" or any of that stuff (except Blogger, which is hardly the same), I remain ambivalent to the fact that social media has been compared to cancer by the UK's head of counter-terrorism.
• Our local council Haringey has (ha ha!) failed in its intention to introduce a new money-making scam tinker with its resident parking scheme, as more than 95% of residents who responded to its public consultation objected.
• When personal items belonging to the late, beloved, "national treasure" comedian Eric Morecambe went up for auction recently (after the death of his widow last year), his trademark dark-rimmed glasses were won by none other than that more modern "treasure" Robbie Williams!

Meanwhile, at Gobbler's Knob this Groundhog Day, "Punxsutawney Phil" predicted that the US will get six more weeks of winter this year; a woman flew from Cornwall to Malaga in Spain and then up to Manchester to collect her car because it was £250 cheaper than it would be to get the train; and the whole country of Sri Lanka was plunged into an electricity blackout - because of a monkey meddling with a power station!

We missed celebrating the centenaries of both Jack Lemmon and our Patron Saint of Booze Miss Elaine Stritch, the (gulp!) 95th birthday of Robert Wagner, the (double-gulp!) 70th of John Travolta, the 50th of Natalie Imbruglia and the 40th of the ultra-sexy Cristiano Ronaldo...

...and we also missed marking the death of television favourite Brian Murphy (the eternally hen-pecked "George Roper" in both Man About the House and George and Mildred [the original series behind the US hits Three's Company and The Ropers]; he later featured in Last of the Summer Wine).

Finally - did I bring anything back for your delectation, dear reader? How about Spain's entry for Eurovision 2025? It's still (just about) Tacky Music Monday, after all:

Melody - Esa Diva

[Yes, the singer is the same Melody (minus her "Vivancos" but with another set of safety gays altogether) who was responsible for our regularly-featured earworm El Baile de los Gorilas]

I may still be on holiday all this week, but...

Is it good to be back? NO!!

Public Service Announcement

You were warned..!

---

STOP PRESS:

How about an appropriate "old favourite"..?

Melody y los Vivancos - El Baile de los Gorilas Muscle Monkey Dance

I think "eye" or indeed any other "contact" would be more welcomed here.

While you were away...

Whenever we go away, we completely immerse ourselves in "holiday mood" - doing absolutely nothing becomes an art-form. No British newspapers or TV, no internet, no contact with anything that doesn't involve the Costa del Sol. Bliss. But now we are back, have we missed anything?

There appears to have been bugger all in the way of "big" news: storms battered the UK (gloat, gloat); the Independent newspaper announced it is to close its print edition; there's still a war in Syria; Pinewood Studios may be put up for sale; US political something-or-others involving a man with horrid hair and a woman who dresses like a lesbian continue on and on (yawn); Fergie the Duchess of York has applied for Swiss citizenship; and a rogue elephant rampaged through a town in Bengal.

Meanwhile,in Spain, the big news was that our fave histrionic Spanish diva Isabel Pantoja was released from prison (on conditional parole) at last...

We missed celebrating the birthdays of (among others) Carmen Miranda, Lana Turner, Judith Anderson, Mary Quant, Kathryn Grayson, Joyce Grenfell, Dora Bryan, Holly Johnson, Leontyne Price, Kim Novak and Zsa Zsa Gabor (still with us, just, at 99!); we also missed Rick Astley's 50th, Burt Reynolds' 80th, and Mamie Van Doren's and Rip Torn's 85th. Hey ho.

We missed Pancake Day in the UK, but, of course, Mardi Gras is a big celebration in Spain. Indeed, while outside Codigo Bar in La Nogilera a week ago, we watched a whole flurry of "feathers, foof and faff" doing the rounds, as revellers and participants from Torremolinos' own carnival celebrations paraded around from bar to bar - a jolly way to start our holiday!

Finally, we missed Chinese New Year. Kung Hei Fat Choi! 2016 is Year of the Monkey - so, to celebrate that fact, and in keeping with our "holiday come-down", here (once again) is Melody y los Vivancos and El Baile de los Gorilas:

El Baile de los Gorilas Muscle Monkey Dance

Hola Guapos!

Guapos del día

To add a little spice to our continuing countdown to Spain, on this penultimate working day before we venture to the sunshine here's some lovely boys dancing to Melody y Los Vivancos El Baile de los Gorilas. Again.

And why not?

El Baile de los Gorilas Muscle Monkey Dance

I doubt we'll see anything like this - or in fact anything less than two decades older than these delightful guapos - but we live in hope.

El Baile Del Gorila

Dreaming of our Spanish holiday in a couple of weeks, what better to focus on than a combination of typically Andalusian cheesy pop and some semi-naked boys? Thanks to a recent discovery by Madam Arcati, we have both...

Melodía Ruiz Gutiérrez was discovered by the Spanish actor/singer known as El Fary, and at the tender age of ten became a child superstar across the Spanish-speaking world mainly due to this lovely little number. Little did she know how some gay men would take it to their hearts, and even dance around in their skimpies to it...

El Baile de los Gorilas Muscle Monkey Dance

Recognising this adulation (once she was old enough to realise it, maybe), Senorita Gutiérrez entered her country's heats to compete in Eurovision 2009. Narrowly pipped to the post by the Cheryl Cole looky-likey Soraya, in my honest opinion Melody y los Vivancos were the far better performers (for many reasons, not least her boys!)...

Melody y los Vivancos - Amante de la Luna

Melody's MySpace page