Get over it

Remainers have announced that, three-and-a-half years after the referendum, they are to get over it.

Following yesterday’s landslide election win, Remainers across Britain have admitted there is a strong chance that the country did want to leave the EU after all.

Nathan Muir of of Reading said: “You know what? Maybe it’s time I moved on.

“There was just something about the referendum result I didn’t like – maybe it was that my side lost – so I decided it must be wrong, and must be reversed, and did everything I could to achieve that.

“But I have to admit it’s looking very much like my efforts were wasted, and Brexit is happening, and perhaps it’s time to be the bigger man and accept it.

“Brexit it is. Brexit for everyone. Fine. Doesn’t bother me.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

An imaginary election held in a dream

Experts have advised that if there was ever an election where voters could throw caution to the wind and go hogwild, this is the one.

The electorate has been told to indulge their worst instincts and vote for whatever ridiculous fantasy candidate they like because none of it will make a jot of difference.

Pollster Denys Finch Hatton said: “One, it’s the European elections and nobody gives a shit who their MEP is or knows what they do.

“Two, we’re probably leaving the EU within the year anyway so the whole thing’s completely pointless and serves no purpose other than kids getting a day off school.

“Finally it’s proportional representation, so if you want to briefly reward a career eco-warrior or frothing xenophobe with a 10-grand-a-month salary for as long as it lasts, now’s your chance.

“It’s an imaginary election held in a dream and the results will mean nothing more than whatever both sides want them to. Go apeshit.”

Voter Nikki Hollis said: “Yeah, I mean look at these choices – the Brexit Party, Change UK, the Conservatives, Corbyn’s Labour Party. It can’t be important if these twats are allowed to take part.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[All the news from the EU elections is on the BBC website. If you can be arsed.]

It's a neverending promise of a holy grail

And so, on the day we were supposed to be leaving the bloody EU once-and-for all, the debacle just carries on, and on, and on...

TV show Blue Peter has asked children to make a basic Brexit plan and send them in, with the best ones going to Parliament to be voted on.

Presenter Lindsey Russell demonstrated how to draw a Brexit deal with felt tips, or make one from washing-up liquid bottles, kitchen foil and double-sided sticky tape.

She said: “The best Brexit plans will be sent straight to the world-famous House of Commons, right next to Big Ben, where people called ‘MPs’ will put them through a series of ‘indicative votes’.

“If your plan’s good enough it could go all the way to becoming law and shaping our relationship with our neighbours for decades to come.

“You’ll be invited on the show to meet Speaker of the House John Bercow and you’ll get a very rare ‘I Had a Plan for Brexit’ Blue Peter badge.

“Sorry, this competition is not open to viewers in Northern Ireland at the DUP’s request.”

Nine-year-old Nathan Muir said: “My dad helped me with it but the Irish backstop kept falling out. We just sent it in anyway. They won’t notice.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Still, there's always a party to look forward to on the weekend... Let's start as we mean to go on, in the company of Mr Moroder and Miss Minogue - and Thank Disco It's Friday!

Giorgio Moroder feat Kylie Minogue - Right Here, Right Now

When the lights start flashing
It could open up your eyes
And the highest mountain
Is the one that you have climbed

(Yeah?!)
I could look for love, to skies in blue
I could look for love, to get over you
I could look for love, for a deeper kiss
Nothing ever felt, as good as this

Staring in your eyes, I see the sunrise
There's nowhere else but right here, right now
No deeper feeling, this is the real thing
There's nowhere else but right here, right now
(Ooooohhh-oooh-ooh)
There's nowhere else but right here, right now
(Ooooohhh-oooh-ooh)
There's nowhere else but right here, right now

It's a neverending
Promise of a holy grail
But this place I'm in, it feels so real
Gotta sit back and exhale

(Yeah?!)
I could look for love, to skies in blue
I could look for love, to get over you
I could look for love, for a deeper kiss
Nothing ever felt, as good as this

Staring in your eyes, I see the sunrise
There's nowhere else but right here, right now
No deeper feeling, this is the real thing
There's nowhere else but right here, right now
(Ooooohhh-oooh-ooh)
There's nowhere else but right here, right now
(Ooooohhh-oooh-ooh)
There's nowhere else but right here, right now

Cause the way you hold me tonight
Makes it feel like there's nowhere else I'd rather be
Than right here, right now, tonight
Yeah, right here, right now, tonight

(Ooooohhh-oooh-ooh)
There's nowhere else but right here, right now
(Ooooohhh-oooh-ooh)
There's nowhere else but right here, right now
(Ooooohhh-oooh-ooh...)

Have fun, whatever you get up to this weekend, dear chums...

Everything dismissed

Limbo by Hieronymous Bosch (or a follower)

The UK’s political leaders have ruled out the Brexit deal, a no-deal Brexit, a second referendum, a general election, remaining in the EU and continuing the current situation.

The prime minister and the leader of the opposition have agreed that none of the options available to them are tenable and must all be dismissed before any progress can be made.

Jeremy Corbyn said: “The British people are sick of their humdrum range of limited choices.

“Nobody wants a second referendum. Nobody wants a no-deal exit. The only deal on the table has been resoundingly rejected, and though I claim to want a general election I’d actually rather just take over but there’s not the support.

“But I can say categorically that we reject all the options so far raised, and indeed anything confined by the arbitrary limits of the merely possible.

“Perhaps we could exist in a quantum state both in and out of the EU. Perhaps Britain splits into a thousand warring factions. Perhaps we wink out of reality to return for one day every hundred years.

“Either way, we’re resolutely opposed to doing anything that we could actually do. Your move, universe.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

---

Footnote: I will be out of circulation for a few days. "Normal" service should resume on Saturday.

Enough!

Everyone in Britain has confirmed they will happily vote for absolutely anything as long as they do not have to ever hear the word ‘Brexit’ ever again.

The Institute for Studies found that whether they had voted Leave or Remain, banishing the word ‘Brexit’ from the language was now the biggest priority.

Annoyed man, Tom Booker said: “I’d vote for Idi Amin if it just meant I didn’t have to hear Brexit ever, and I mean ever, a-fucking-gain.

“Not even in a historical context either. If some history teacher wants to talk about Brexit they can just say, ‘that two year bout of constipation’. I’m pretty sure the kids would get what they meant.”

Annoyed woman, Nikki Hollis added: “At least change the name of it. It was a made up name to begin with anyway. Just make up another one. Like ‘shandwhich’.”

“Brexit is Britain’s Exit and shandwich is shit sandwich. Same thing.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

A Song (NOT) for Europe

The deed is done...

Andrea Bocelli, Sarah Brightman - Time To Say Goodbye

Time to say goodbye
Paesi che no ho mai
Veduto e vissuto con te
Adesso si` li vivro`
Con te partiro`
Su navi per mari
Che io lo so
No, no, non esistono piu

Time to say goodbye
Horizons are never far
Would I have to find them alone
without true light of my own with you
I will go on ships over seas
that I now know
No, they don't exist any more
It's time to say goodbye

If it's the last thing we ever do

In? Out? Shake it all about?

I'm heartily sick of the whole "Brexit" thing.

As we hurtle (roller-skate?) towards another weekend, there is only one - most appropriate - song we need to play to get this party started, courtesy of Gilla...

Gilla - We gotta get out of this place

We gotta get out of this place
If it's the last thing we ever do
We gotta get out of this place
'cause girl, there's a better life for me and you

Thank Disco It's Friday!

The British lion’s newfound mighty roar?

Every country in the former British Empire has demanded Britain resume full political control now it has proven it is great again.

Australia, India, Canada, Egypt and South Africa, among a host of others, have all dissolved their governments in a show of awestruck admiration for the British lion’s newfound mighty roar.

Kenya’s president Uluru Kenyatta said: “We never wanted Britain to stop ruling us in the first place – why ever would we? – but you just needed to grab hold of your mojo again.

“Don’t worry about giving us voting rights or any of that nonsense. Now you are once again a proud, resurgent nation unafraid of political correctness, we have absolute trust you will act in our best interest. And the world’s.

“I step down this afternoon. Oh man, I hope we get Michael Gove as governor. That guy is the best.”

The UK now commands a fifth of the world’s population and one-quarter of its total habitable land, which is as it should be.

Retired headmistress Margaret Gerving, from Guildford, said: “I don’t know why America is insisting on being independent. I’m sure they’ll stop being silly eventually.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

The real news is on the BBC.

Greece is the word

The nation of Greece said sorry to the European Union with a present of an enormous wooden horse.

Left outside the European Central Bank in the dead of night, the horse has now been moved into the ECB’s central lobby where it is proudly on display.

A gift tag attached to the horse, which is surprisingly light for its size and has small holes along the length of its body, suggested that it should be placed in the bank’s vaults overnight to avoid it being targeted by thieves.

Mario Draghi, President of the ECB, said: “How nice of the Greeks to acknowledge the trouble we’ve been put to on their behalf with this wonderful horse, handmade and so large it could hold a dozen double-decker buses.

“The card with it, which had a teddy bear dressed as a 'hobo' on the front, explained that Greece made us this because they don’t have enough money for a present, which brought a tear to my eye.

“However, unless they can somehow find billions overnight then austerity measures must continue.”

Oddly, Greek representatives in Brussels have hinted that they may soon be in a position to settle their debts and have puzzled the French and German banks that hold their loans by asking if there is any discount for cash.

The government of Spain has reacted angrily to the gift, accusing the Greeks of trying to bribe the ECB and redoubling their own efforts to weave a gigantic sombrero-wearing straw donkey.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

More on the Greece/EU "settlement".

Greece is the word

An indispensable guide to the Eurozone crisis:

It is the coming crisis that absolutely nobody, from the innumerate man in the street to the technocrats leading the EU, understands or has any idea how to stop.

What are the options for the Eurozone’s future?

• Greece wants to stay in Eurozone but is unable to pay bailout debts, goes bust leaving French and German banks with billions in write-offs, Eurozone fucked.
• Greece negotiates delay to bailout debts, situation unfolds exactly as above but nineteen months later, Eurozone fucked.
• Greece leaves Euro, pays debts with worthless new currency backed by nationalised industries of goat-herding and slapping octopi on wet rocks, Eurozone fucked.
• Greece leaves Euro and EU, says it never wanted to be in either in stream of passive-aggressive posts on social media many of which quote Radiohead lyrics, pays debts with worthless currency as above, Eurozone fucked.
• Greece leaves Euro and EU, is joined by Spain, Italy, Portugal and Ireland to form new cool EU for countries who prefer having a boozy laugh to working, all of whom are too irresponsible to even bother opening letters about debts, Eurozone fucked.
• Greece stays in Eurozone, agrees to banks’ demands to sell off citizens’ organs to pay debts, angry citizens elect fascist government which invades Turkey, Macedonia and Albania, war spreads across whole continent, one-third of EU population killed and economy saved by resulting boom in industry. Preferred solution of banks, IMF and Switzerland.

The Daily Mash.

Of course.

[The real story]

Britannia waives the rules

As much as we love Eurovision, cheap flights and holidays, the European Union has always been a bureaucratic nightmare! And we in the UK seem to be a nation of bureaucrats, so our government has always been first to adopt such stupid regulations as banning things on health grounds, killing every creature on our farms because of a local outbreak of disease, identity cards - and of course, metrication.

Now we hear that the EU itself has apparently confirmed that Britain can "keep imperial measurements as it would make it easier for firms to sell to the US".

Read the story

Claiming this as a victory for the so-called "Metric Martyrs", the Tories are hailing this landmark for Britain's influence in Europe as a monumental U-turn.

Thank heavens! I can still measure the distance between towns in miles, my weight in stones, and cocks in inches!

And mine's still a pint - CHEERS!



Makes you wonder why we embraced it so enthusiastically in the first place, doesn't it?