Choices, choices

Speculation as to where Harry and Meghan will make their UK home is at fever pitch. Will it be the Cotswolds, or the north-eastern seaside town of Redcar? We assess:

The Cotswolds: home to the wealthy
Aristocrats, Kate Moss and hedge-fund managers would be the Sussexes’ neighbours. To such people the loss of their HRH titles or owing £34 million to the Daily Mail’s lawyers are a mark of shame, gossiped about at every party. They would be a laughing stock.

Redcar: home to the unemployed
By contrast, the social scene in Redcar would welcome the couple with open arms, with peers accustomed to loss of status, losing court cases, and being estranged from high-and-mighty family who think they’re so much fucking better than you. They would fit right in.

The Cotswolds: handy for London
With the capital just a short journey, the Cotswolds are close to Harry’s family and their many palatial homes. Awkward, given that Harry is persona non grata with all of them and will not be invited to meals. The froideur will be felt all the way down the M4.

Redcar: handy for Middlesbrough
In cheerful no-frills Redcar, Wills and Kate would feel as blessedly distant as they did back in California. Dad wouldn’t drop by unexpectedly for stilted conversation, and there’s always Middlesbrough should Meg need to stock up on Primark clothing for the kids.

The Cotswolds: honey-coloured stone
The warm, golden Jurassic limestone used to build the homes in the Cotswolds gives the villages their characteristic glow. Which would only remind the couple of the Montecito home they had to leave behind, and make them sad.

Redcar: soot-blackened slate
Up in Redcar there are no colours. Looking out onto the North Sea from a town still stained by the pollution of the steel industry is the real Britain: ugly, rainswept, and bleak. This is the Britain Harry missed, not some moneyed enclave with a branch of Soho House.

Verdict: Redcar
Harry and Meghan are certain to choose Redcar, with its high deprivation, child poverty and retirees suffering long-term industrial illnesses, as their new home. Even the Daily Mail will not send journalists up there, and they can afford a whole row of terraces.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Tawdry, jewel-encrusted lives

Harry and Meghan have graciously stepped up to take the place in the public’s hearts that was once reserved for Katie Price and Peter Andre.

The couple, who are sharing every detail of their tawdry, jewel-encrusted lives with the world, hope to be as beloved as the reality stars were in the years 2004 to 2009.

A friend of the couple said: “Nobody can ever forget how dazzlingly Katie and Peter burned during those glory years. Harry and Meghan are no exception.

“The romance began when they were camping in Botswana and Meghan said ‘This is just like "Katie & Peter: African Adventures".’ Harry’s heart lifted at her intimate knowledge of the couple the whole of Britain loved.

“They resolved to be just like them. Starring in "Suits" was Meghan’s Page 3, while dressing as Rommel was Harry’s "Mysterious Girl". Marrying was their "I’m A Celebrity". The Netflix show is their "Katie & Peter: The Next Chapter".

“We’ll see them living their glamorous celebrity lives, but also at home raising the girls, negotiating deals with "Hello!" and having screaming rows because Harry’s been texting the blonde from the Saturdays behind Meghan’s back.

“They plan to achieve complete media saturation until all anyone can think of is Harry and Meghan, Meghan and Harry, Harry and fucking Meghan. What a magical fairytale it’ll be until the split.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Totty of the Season

Paul Walker (12th September 1973 – 30th November 2013)

Ben Cohen (born 14th September 1978)

Colin Firth (born 10th September 1960) as "Mr Darcy"

John Curry (9th September 1949 – 15th April 1994)

Hugh Grant (born 9th September 1960)

George Chakiris (born 16th September 1934)

Barry Sheene (11th September 1950 – 10th March 2003)

Prince Harry (born 15 September 1984)

Ryan Philippe (born 10th September 1974)

Sigh.

[click any photo to embiggen]

The Royal Sceptre?

Prince Harry has revealed his forthcoming memoir will mainly be about his sex life and shooting the Taliban, with a self-help bit at the end to keep the wife happy.

The memoir, which has the provisional title Prince of Pussy, will begin as Harry leaves Eton and cover his sexual exploits throughout his gap year, military service and general life as a randy playboy Royal the whole world was looking to bone.

He said: “I do fill in other biographical details – for example, I mention that I came up with the idea of the Invictus Games in Colorado knobbing this truly spectacular American chick, boobs as big as your head – but only as background.

“Basically it’s shagging, shagging, Army, shagging, Army etc. And during the Army bits I flashback to previous shags because I don’t want to bore the reader.

“It’s all in here: Chelsy Davy, Cressida Bonas, that blonde piece out of the Saturdays, the six strippers I played pool with in Vegas. And a few surprising revelations, ie Cat Deeley and Katy Perry.

“I was inspired by looking down at my cock in the shower and thinking ‘it deserves to speak its truth’.”

He added: “And there’s self-help stuff for Oprah. Though frankly I think she’ll be more interested in the time Michelle and I hooked up when Barack’s back was turned.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Handy for Heathrow

Frogmore Cottage has been listed on holiday rental service AirBNB, it has emerged.

The five-bedroom cottage on the Windsor estate is listed as ‘steeped in Royal history’, ‘handy for Heathrow’ and ‘ideal for family holidays or weekend get-togethers’ by the hosts.

A spokesman said: “The hosts have remained anonymous, but live in the Santa Barbara area of California and have confirmed they are free to do whatever they want with the property since they paid for it.

“They were particularly keen for the property to be available to tourists of non-white origin so they could ‘see how the old bastards like that’.

“It’s already fully booked into next year and they’re hoping to recoup the cash they’ve spent on renovations within a year, after which they’re considering turning it into a benefit hostel.”

19-year-old Oliver O’Connor of Basildon said: “We’ve got it for next weekend. There’s about 60 of us coming loaded up with booze, weed and nitrous oxide whippets.

“Place is gonna get wrecked. Didn’t want the feds to be able to trace us, so I booked under the name ‘Wills & Kate’.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[The "real" story]

Only six months...

Prince Harry has informed his wife that he has received an urgent military call-up and will return from Kabul in November.

The Duke of Sussex brandished a buff envelope and claimed it was from his regiment, that they are extremely short-staffed and he had no choice but to go along or he would be declared AWOL.

He continued: “Good luck with the baby and my insane family and everything. I’m going to get shot at by lunatics.

“I would stay, and you know how much I was looking forward to helping with all the night feeds and everything, but you know what the army are like. Such terrible timing!

“Remember not to talk to Piers Morgan and that I’m only absent because I’m a hero.

“That sounds like my helicopter touching down in the garden. If you need anything from Tesco on the way back, text.”

Chief of staff General Mark Carleton-Smith said: “We concluded hostilities in Afghanistan last year, but Harry asked us to keep it going for him as a favour.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Apparently...

...it's "Kiss a Ginger Day" today!











Well... if you insist.