Just to get away from the fucking kids

The Princess of Wales has announced that if she has to climb three peaks in 24 hours just to get away from the fucking kids, that is what she will do.

Kate completed the challenge of summiting the three highest mountains in Scotland, England and Wales and described not being whined at by her children or husband for a whole day as the ‘most fulfilling experience of her life.’

The 44-year-old said: “It’s settled. I’m a climber now. They can’t get me up here.

“I considered a marathon, but Wills said they’d be there to cheer me on every step of the way so I immediately decided ‘fuck that’.

“Instead, in the name of charity or some shit, I shall be climbing every mountain in Scotland exceeding 3,000ft in height. Where I will encounter only taciturn men swathed in Gore-Tex also up here to avoid their families.

“God, the peace of standing on that peak, gazing at the horizon, thinking ‘Even if Louis wanted a biscuit or my husband wanted to bitch about his brother, it would be nine hours before they could get up here to tell me.’ It’s the greatest feeling in the world.”

Prince William said: “Wouldn’t it be nice to all surprise Mummy in a helicopter?”

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[The "real" story]

What an occasion!

Nobody does pageantry better than Britain. But there’s one bit of pomp and ceremony we’ve not indulged in for a while, and it would draw one hell of a crowd.

We’ve had Jubilees. We’ve had the funeral. We’ve had the coronation. And never has the public needed renewing its faith in the innate marvellousness of the Royals so much as now.

Imagine it. The hushed tones of Clive Myrie, commenting: "I think we’re seeing some movement and yes, there he is, Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor has stepped onto the scaffold! Such a roar from the crowd.

"There he is, in a traditional knitted silk vest, and he’s approaching the executioner’s block. The executioner who normally works in a slaughterhouse in Ayrshire and told us earlier how honoured he is to play his part in this none more historic occasion.

"Raising his axe high and - yes - the head is off! A beautifully clean blow. We’ll see that again in slo-mo, but let’s just zoom in on the basket and oh, just look at his expression. Makes it all worthwhile."

What an occasion! Crowds waving Union Jacks lining the streets to see the tumbril cart pass by. Andrew gamely smiling. The King himself turning down one final request for clemency. Kate, resplendent in a crimson Alessandra Rich coat dress.

The Americans would love it. They’d be block-booking London hotels. The other so-called crowned heads of Europe? As ever, we’d be setting them an example. Got the balls to execute your princess’s errant son, Norway? We have.

And of course, as on those other great occasions, the British public would respond enthusiastically to being given a day off. We’d be buying plates and mugs commemorating the moment while getting legless in our millions.

It’s what Andrew deserves and what the country needs. Diana cheated us out of our chance in the 90s; let’s not miss it again. Come on Charlie. We’ve had a Royal Knockout, now give us a Royal Execution!

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[The "real" story]

Of Anne's lingerie, trains, OTT outfits, castles, a drag queen and a screen goddess

Princess Anne visited a knicker factory in Caerphilly in South Wales last week - and gave them some advice on underwired bras!

It's another snippets post today, dear reader:

• "Toot, toot, said Thomas" news: It's the 200th anniversary of the world's first railway - the Stockton & Darlington line - this weekend, and the year of celebrations reaches its zenith with the anniversary journey of a working replica of George Stephenson's original Locomotion 1 engine!

[click any pic to embiggen]

• My era gets its own showcase news: A major new exhibition titled Blitz: the Club That Shaped the 80s has finally opened at the Design Museum (last Saturday). The legendary London club that spawned a whole style movement in the early 1980s - one that I wholeheartedly adored, named by the press "The New Romantics" - run with an iron fist (in a velvet glove) by Steve Strange and Rusty Egan, it launched the careers of acts such as Spandau Ballet, Sade and Boy George, milliner Stephen Jones [who taught Philip Treacy all he knows] and myriad other designers, couturiers and creatives. The club was only around for a brief time, but what an impact it had - I can't wait to see this!
• We can but dream news: You too could be king of your own 855-year-old Norman castle - and accompanying mansion - with 23 bedrooms, 19 bathrooms, gym, sauna, games room and Great Hall, and 25 acres of parkland, in Westmorland, Cumbria for the bargain price of £5.5million! I'll have the crown set with diamonds and sapphires, please.

• Confessions of a drag bitch news: "I learned early to mask, to put my guard up. Drag became my canvas. I worked in nightclubs, and suddenly I was getting attention from adoring crowds, but only by disguising myself. I was caught somewhere between a fierce desire to be seen and the reluctance to be truly known." Legendary London "scene queen" Jodie Harsh has published her autobiography - buy it here.
• And, finally: RIP, the ultra-glamorous Claudia Cardinale, star of (amongst others) Visconti’s The Leopard, Fellini's 8½ and Sergio Leone’s Once Upon a Time in the West. She's probably less well-known for this:

Fab safety gays!

And the weather? Sunny, but the wind's a bit chilly.

It helps to pay the bills

Princess Kate has confirmed that, as a new book claims, she is indeed only a part-time royal and works evenings in Sainsbury’s.

Showing off her toned legs to the president of South Korea and playing wheelchair rugby is merely a side gig for the Princess of Wales, who spends most of her evenings stacking shelves in the supermarket on Penarth Road.

She said: “It’s less glamorous than royal duties but it helps to pay the bills. Plus I get a 10 per cent staff discount.

“Once I’ve finished cutting ribbons and getting my picture taken for the papers, I hop into an Uber and head to what King Charles jokingly calls my ‘real job’, the cheeky sod.

“Sometimes people recognise me or notice my name badge, and I have to pretend to be someone else and laugh it off like ‘could you imagine?’ Then we have a good bitch about Meghan for five minutes or until I need to verify an age-related sale.

“More of us moonlight than you think. William is a rider for Deliveroo, and even Anne does the odd shift in Sports Direct. She likes the big mugs.”

Royalist Susan Traherne said: “Oh my God, Kate looks so good in that maroon and orange Sainsbury’s uniform. Anyone know where I can get one?”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[The "real" story]

Vivat Rex Carolus!

His Majesty King Charles III is crowned.

Long live the King!

What she really hid under those crinolines?

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It's "Hump Day" already. Time for a right Royal tribute, methinks!

Pete Bentham & the Dinner Ladies - Queen Victoria's Knob

Love it!

The courtesan struck gold

Considering sleeping with a married man whose wife doesn’t understand him? Girlfriends warning you it won’t work out? Look who’s Queen now, bitches.

On the surface, it was a classic case. He’s all like ‘My marriage is a sham’ and ‘We haven’t been intimate in years’ and ‘We’re only together for the children and the future of the hereditary monarchy’.

I read about them in the women’s magazines – Tatler, The Nanny and Debrett’s. He might claim they’re sleeping in separate Georgian mansions and then suddenly she’s pregnant with an heir.

But what can I say? I looked into those blue eyes and I trusted him. I believed that this man, this future King, didn’t just want to be in and out of me all day like a tampon but for us to be together.

From that day I vowed to destabilise his marriage, whether by tapping the phones at Kensington Palace or tipping off the press about her stalking that art dealer. Even better, we did it together.

It wasn’t easy when she started flinging shit in public, and the kids have never warmed to me, but my whispers of ‘That younger one’s a right diva, just like her’ paid off and he’s practically disinherited now.

We married, we cycled through a number of titles that his domineering mother and the resentful public were willing to accept, and next month he’s crowned at Westminster Abbey and I’ll be there as Queen. Not Queen Consort. Not King’s Concubine. Queen.

So ladies, if you’ve identified a married man of sufficient status naive enough to be pussystruck, ignore the warnings and have that affair. It worked for me.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Tawdry, jewel-encrusted lives

Harry and Meghan have graciously stepped up to take the place in the public’s hearts that was once reserved for Katie Price and Peter Andre.

The couple, who are sharing every detail of their tawdry, jewel-encrusted lives with the world, hope to be as beloved as the reality stars were in the years 2004 to 2009.

A friend of the couple said: “Nobody can ever forget how dazzlingly Katie and Peter burned during those glory years. Harry and Meghan are no exception.

“The romance began when they were camping in Botswana and Meghan said ‘This is just like "Katie & Peter: African Adventures".’ Harry’s heart lifted at her intimate knowledge of the couple the whole of Britain loved.

“They resolved to be just like them. Starring in "Suits" was Meghan’s Page 3, while dressing as Rommel was Harry’s "Mysterious Girl". Marrying was their "I’m A Celebrity". The Netflix show is their "Katie & Peter: The Next Chapter".

“We’ll see them living their glamorous celebrity lives, but also at home raising the girls, negotiating deals with "Hello!" and having screaming rows because Harry’s been texting the blonde from the Saturdays behind Meghan’s back.

“They plan to achieve complete media saturation until all anyone can think of is Harry and Meghan, Meghan and Harry, Harry and fucking Meghan. What a magical fairytale it’ll be until the split.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Thoughts for the Day

[The "real" story]

[The "real" story]

Paying respects

Queen Elizabeth II's coffin procession followed by Royal Family - ITV

Just up the road from their nan’s

The Cambridges are moving their family to Windsor to live a low-key life in a listed four-bed home in private grounds. Here’s how their lives will be as bog-standard as yours from now on.

They’ll be near the grandparents
George, Charlotte and Louis’ new house is just up the road from their nan’s, so their parents can easily foist them on her, just like an ordinary parent. Yes, their nan just happens to be the reigning monarch. And instead of a bungalow with horrible wallpaper that stinks of cigarette smoke, she just happens to live in a castle with 1,000 rooms – ideal for ‘normal’ games of hide and seek that last two weeks.

They’re downsizing
The cost of living crisis is hitting average people hard. None more so than the Cambridges who will be downsizing from their 20-room pad in central London to a pokey, four-bed cottage with dodgy decor left over from previous owners, such as a ceiling covered with gilded dolphins and a marble Graeco-Egyptian fireplace.

There’s a park nearby
The Cambridges have a modest 655-acre park on their doorstep, where they can do normal things like trout fishing and wandering along paths with cedar trees named after monarchs they are directly related to. Oh, and their family just happens to own it and have private use of it – no queuing for the swings or looking out for smashed bottles and syringes for them, depending on what mischief Uncle Andrew’s getting up to these days.

They’ll be going to a local school
Their new school will be a 15-minute drive away like so many school runs. And they’ll probably be using public transport to get there, in the sense that their luxury Range Rover is funded by taxpayers. At school they’ll be doing a typical curriculum including Latin, bee-keeping and cooking, just like any other average child whose parents fork out £50,000 a year on fees.

They won’t have a live-in nanny
Nanny will no longer be on hand for a quick nose-wipe at any time of day or night, and the Cambridges may also say goodbye to their housekeeper and live-in chef. Actually the staff will still be living very close by and a constant presence, so the children may not even notice they’ve gone. But for the Cambridges it’s the equivalent of going on a life swap show where they live on £51.60 a week and a diet of Super Noodles on a sink estate in Burnley.

They’ll be paying rent
Wills and Kate will have monthly rent to worry about, just like anyone else. Except if the landlord won’t fix the boiler they can pop back to the mansion the Queen gifted them in Norfolk for a spot of tennis on their private court. Or to their 20-room London pad where they once hosted Barack Obama. Just like you and… er, no, that’s just them.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Handy for Heathrow

Frogmore Cottage has been listed on holiday rental service AirBNB, it has emerged.

The five-bedroom cottage on the Windsor estate is listed as ‘steeped in Royal history’, ‘handy for Heathrow’ and ‘ideal for family holidays or weekend get-togethers’ by the hosts.

A spokesman said: “The hosts have remained anonymous, but live in the Santa Barbara area of California and have confirmed they are free to do whatever they want with the property since they paid for it.

“They were particularly keen for the property to be available to tourists of non-white origin so they could ‘see how the old bastards like that’.

“It’s already fully booked into next year and they’re hoping to recoup the cash they’ve spent on renovations within a year, after which they’re considering turning it into a benefit hostel.”

19-year-old Oliver O’Connor of Basildon said: “We’ve got it for next weekend. There’s about 60 of us coming loaded up with booze, weed and nitrous oxide whippets.

“Place is gonna get wrecked. Didn’t want the feds to be able to trace us, so I booked under the name ‘Wills & Kate’.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[The "real" story]

Royal Soap

[click to embiggen]

Yesterday's Royal face-off was as emotionally charged as Christmas Day at the Queen Vic. Here’s how it went down:

10.40am: Kate arrives wearing a load of crown jewels and a massive cloak carried by her sister Pippa. Imperiously ignores proceedings to go through files of press clippings about how marvellous she is, reading sections aloud.

11.20am: William and Harry go in for a hug for the first time in ages, only for the Duke of Cambridge to attempt to pull his brother’s trousers down and the Duke of Sussex to respond with an atomic wedgie.

12pm: In an immense power play the Queen arrives with all of her handbags, several of her race horses, three bishops and a military truck engine like the ones she assembled in the war.

2pm: Summit officially begins. Meghan, on FaceTime from Vancouver, is flanked by girl squad Amal Clooney, Serena Williams and Canada’s own Alanis Morrisette. They shout ‘you go girl!’ while Meghan sulks that Michelle Obama and Oprah never returned her calls.

2.45pm: Every time Harry is chastised for his unorthodox behaviour, he silently points to Uncle Andrew. Wills joins in with a recurring sneeze that also sounds strangely like the word ‘nonce’.

3.45pm: The Queen agrees to allow the couple to do what they had already announced they were doing anyway because nobody can stop them. In London Piers Morgan collapses to his knees with the sheer weight of the injustice.

4.15pm: Charles pretends to be having a normal conversation with Harry while mouthing ‘Take me with you.’ The pair then visit then nightclub Mahiki before being spotted stumbling arm-in-arm to the Canadian embassy.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Read more about the "real" The Royals TV show

Wha oh oh oh

So Harry and Meghan have finally been delivered of a baby boy - my bet is she'll call it something like Zak or Mason or Ethan.

I couldn't decide on an appropriate tribute, so, on this Tacky Music Monday Tuesday [confusing, innit?], here are two...

Dancing Baby

It's not ginger, but...

The Ronettes - Be My Baby

Girls, I think he might be gay...

We have several weeks of tabloid coverage yet to go on this one, folks! Brace yourselves.

Cry 'God for Harry, England, and Saint George!'

The new Royal baby born on St George’s Day will be possessed with the spirit of King Arthur and is fated to save England, unless it turns out to be a girl.

Nationalists believe that the baby, born on the dragonslayer’s sacred day, is destined to become either a great leader who will conquer the whole of Europe by fire and sword or a princess.

Patriot Stephen Malley said: “He will emerge from his mother with a St George’s cross birthmark on his face, marked by Albion.

“As he grows he will prove himself a master swordfighter, a skilful tactician, and a boy who refuses to accept that we are a second-class nation, swearing to restore our country to greatness.

“Accepting the sword Excalibur, by his 16th birthday he shall ride up and down Britain to form a great army of true patriots, leading them through the Chunnel to lay waste to the EU and force its leaders to declare fealty to him in perpetuity.

“Then we’ll start building the fleet.”

He added: “A girl couldn’t do that. Come on, this isn’t Game of Thrones. You need to get out of your fantasy land.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

"Patriots" needn't have worried, of course - it's a boy!

To celebrate the Royal sprog - and all things English (even though I am Welsh) - on this Tacky Music Monday, here's something appropriate(ish):

Patty Duke - England Swings

Have a good week, dear reader - and don't forget to raise a toast to little Prince Arthur, Albert, Frederick, James, Philip or whatever they decide to call him. Kanye? Verne? Zayn? Joaquin? Kendrick? Donald?!

The lot of you!

Prince Philip has completed his last public engagement, locked the gates of Buckingham Palace and told crowds to ‘fuck off out of it’ for the last time.

The 96-year-old’s final engagement concluded outside the palace, after which the Queen’s consort glanced around at the assembled crowds and prepared to unleash his obscene finale.

Philip shuffled through the palace gates, locking them behind him and adding a new chain and lock purchased at his own expense from a nearby hardware store, before adding: “I don’t know what you think you’re all looking at.”

He then made a shooing motion and said “Go on, fuck off out of it, the lot of you” which sent cheers echoing down the Mall as gentlemen threw their bowler hats in the air and ladies waved their lace handkerchiefs.

The band of the Grenadier Guards then played a specially commissioned piece entitled I Hate Every Last Fucking One of You.

A Palace spokesman said: “The Duke of Edinburgh has retired from public life and requests Britain to leave him alone, especially those cheeky little bastards who keep kicking their ball against the wall and calling him a ‘nonce’.

“He hopes to now finally do something worthwhile.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

The "real" story

Totty of the Day

Fancy being a "regular Royal Queen"?

Well, young Arthur Chatto (above) is 23rd in line for the throne, so one could be in in with a chance...

I'm measuring up for my tiara (and several other "Crown Jewels") as we speak!

Never noticeably reticent

Quite the totty when he was young; not so much now...

So His Royal Highness The Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, Earl of Merioneth, Baron Greenwich, Royal Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Garter, Extra Knight of the Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle, Member of the Order of Merit, Grand Master and First and Principal Knight Grand Cross of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, Knight of the Order of Australia, Additional Member of the Order of New Zealand, Extra Companion of the Queen's Service Order, Royal Chief of the Order of Logohu, Extraordinary Companion of the Order of Canada, Extraordinary Commander of the Order of Military Merit, Canadian Forces Decoration, Lord of Her Majesty's Most Honourable Privy Council, Member of the Queen's Privy Council for Canada, Personal Aide-de-Camp to Her Majesty, Lord High Admiral of the United Kingdom - or, as we prefer to call him, "Phil the Greek" - has finally decided to announce his retirement at the venerable age of 95!

We should reflect on some of his more - ahem - famous quotes:

"Constitutionally I don't exist."

"We don't come to Canada for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves."

"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife."

"Books are certainly old fashioned, but only people with a very limited perception are silly enough to condemn ideas because of their age. It is, of course, equally silly to condemn the new-fangled simply because it is strange, and I am full of admiration for the technologists who have developed all sorts of gadgets for the purpose of improving communications. However, I believe that all these fascinating machines are complementary to, and not substitutes for, books and the printed word."

“I’d like to go to Russia very much – although the bastards murdered half my family.”

"If that man had succeeded in abducting Anne, she would have given him a hell of a time while in captivity."

"It is an old cliche to say that the future is in the hands of the young."

"The man who invented the red carpet needed his head examined."

"I have never been noticeably reticent about talking on subjects about which I know nothing."

"I declare this thing open, whatever it is."

And, as a well-wisher recently said “I’m sorry to hear you’re standing down,” Philip shot back: “Well I can’t stand up much longer."



By way of a tribute to the longest-serving Royal Consort this country has ever had, we should all purchase a copy of this little-known compilation album by Phil and the Royals, and put him back at the top of the charts where he belongs!

Spitting Image - Royal Sing-A-Long

Prince Philip's announcement on the BBC

Retrospection

It is nineteen years to the day that the dreadful news permeated the world. Our Princess Diana was dead, and nothing would be quite the same again...

The musical landscape in August 1997 was dominated by boy-bands (Backstreet Boys, No Mercy, 911, Boyzone, OTT), BritPop (Oasis, Suede, Ocean Colour Scene, Blur, Chumbawamba, Stereophonics), R'n'B (Shola Ama, En Vogue, Mary J Blige, Coolio, All Saints; and Will Smith at No 1) and a clutch of classic club acts (Sash, Gala, DJ Quicksilver, Todd Terry, Ultra Nate, Livin' Joy) - but this was also an era when some more "introspective" acts rose to the fore, such as Radiohead, The Verve, and The Beloved.

And, most appropriately on this sad anniversary, it is to the latter we turn for a little moment of retrospection:

The Beloved - Sun Rising

Love is just a state of mind that we leave behind
It's just the sun rising

Indeed.

RIP Diana, Princess of Wales (Diana Frances, née Spencer, 1st July 1961 – 31st August 1997)

On the cover of a magazine

Prince William adorns the cover of Attitude gay magazine - a first for the Royal Family - and talks about bullying:

"What I would say to any young person reading this who's being bullied for their sexuality: don't put up with it - speak to a trusted adult, a friend, a teacher, Childline, Diana Award or some other service and get the help you need.

"You should be proud of the person you are and you have nothing to be ashamed of."

How fab!