Conchita and Graham in our living room?
How humiliating. Not only did the UK not get a single point in last night's Eurovision Song Contest final from anyone, anywhere - not the 39 participating countries' professional juries nor the public votes across the whole gamut of Eurovisionland - but the contest was won by a "The Darkness tribute band", to boot!
Sigh.
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't overly keen on UK entrant James Newman's song, but there were some far, far worse songs than that in this year's contest final. Surprisingly, however, there were some absolute crackers in the line-up, too, so we did have a close-run list of choices for the "points from the Dolores Delargo Towers jury". And yes, despite previous reservations, I did finally crack - and cobbled together spreadsheet voting cards for all nine of us (Me, Madam Acarti, John-John, Hils, Crog, Lou, Jim, Baby Steve and Houseboy Alex), and, yes, thanks to Jim's rallying of the troops we also had not one, not two, but three Zoom drop-ins so we didn't all feel quite so isolated from the traditional camaraderie that usually accompanies our "Gay World Cup" celebrations.
Anyway, to the event itself. Twenty-six participants [the rest having been knocked-out in the semi-finals, except the "core" countries - i.e. the ones that fund the whole thing - France, Germany, Spain, Italy and the United Kingdom, who automatically go straight to the final], a massive venue [Rotterdam's Ahoy arena which, incidentally, this time last year was co-opted as a coronavirus emergency hospital] with gigantic sets, pyrotechnic light-show effects, revolving, elevating and illuminated stages, cheesy hosts [including the first ever trans co-host Nikkie de Jager], and sarky commentary from our very own Graham Norton - it was almost "business as usual", really. Apart from the limited live audience, the obvious "COVID-safe" precautions and social distancing, and the fact that some acts (Iceland) and even the Dutch winner in 2019 Duncan Laurence, who was due to take part in the live interval slot, were unable to be there in person thanks to positive test results...
The whole night is always a long haul - it kicked off at 8pm, and we were still watching the votes come in when our third and final Zoom get-together kicked in at 11.30pm! First, it's all the songs, needlessly interrupted at stages by hosts conversing with guests, audience members, random commentator crews and so on, then an interval [we didn't bother with that bit as it looked a bit cheesy, and we needed to catch up with the gang and also wolf down some pizza], then the thirty nine individual link-ups to get the jury votes from all the member states, then the hideously-drawn-out-for-effect announcement of the audience votes, participant by participant, until finally the winner is announced and they sing a reprise of their song and finally piss off.
Songs we really didn't like this year included the "GaGa-rip-off" from Cyprus, the infantile rubbish from Germany, the really nasty heavy rock mess from Finland and the dull-but-worthy Bulgarian misery-ballad.
Spain provided the best totty of the evening - Blas Cantó!
Honourable mentions should go to the fab Hooverphonic [who I featured here in a post way back in 2010), recently reformed and performing the Belgian entry, and to Albania, despite the obvious fact that their contestant Anxhela [just one of a cavalcade of "Shakira-wannabees" competing this year] could hardly move her face for the Botox.
At the "professional jury votes" stage, there was a bit of leapfrogging going on, as the French pseudo-Piaf-with-a-shrill-vocal, the cute Swiss balladeer and the superb voice of the Big Mama from Malta alternated in the top slot. Then the public votes came in, and everything changed, as the half-arsed Italian rockers hurtled out of nowhere to take the crown!
All of this shenanigans pales into insignificance, of course, compared to the opinions of our own little gang! So here, for your delectation, is the Top 5 that we chose...
5. "Our Boy":
4. This sparkly number from Moldova:
3. Last year's should-have-been-winners:
2. A most unusual culture-clash between Ukrainian folk music and Techno [and my personal favourite out of the whole contest!]:
...and our gang's favourite?
1. ...a little slice of the 80s, courtesy of Lithuania!
In all, it was a fabulous evening's entertainment - remote or otherwise.
Roll on next year, when (hopefully) we'll do it all again - but this time TOGETHER!
