Sex under the pier, whose sperm is it anyway?, Olympic voguing, an underwater breakdown and boogying in British sign-language

John-John, "Auntie Paul" and I gathered, with regulars Emma and Toby, Paulo and (not-so-regular any more) "Little Tony" at the historic and revered Heaven gay nightclub for another edifying evening at "London's peerless gay literary salon" Polari on Thursday, the first such event of 2024. Once again, we were in for a treat.

Our host, the faboo Paul Burston was sparkling from top-to-toe, as befits such an occasion, as he proudly opened the show...

One of my favourite authors/readers at Polari, Neil Bartlett opened proceedings with a salacious extract from his 2014 novel The Disappearance Boy [set in the early 1950s], in which [disabled by polio] magician's assistant "Reggie Rainbow" [whose job it is to help make the assistants "disappear", hence the title] discovers a secretive, hidden gay world of wonder, and sex, under the pier at Brighton.

Been there, done that - and absolutely loved the book! Remarkably, it has only recently been published in paperback.

Polari Prize winner in 2020, Kate Davies was up next, with a brand new delight for us - reading from her new novel Nuclear Family, which is out in February. A salutary tale of what happens when a loving daughter Lena decides to buy a DNA test for her dad, only to be completely devastated by the news that she and her twin sister were conceived from donor sperm. Lena goes off the deep end in her obsession with who her "real" father is, while her sibling Alison more-or-less takes it in her stride, trying as she is to conceive a child with her wife using the exact same method.

In the (very funny) extract Kate read for us, the couple's attempt to broach the subject of donation with their friends, a gay couple, while at a dinner date, doesn't actually go quite as planned...

With the laughter still ringing in our ears, it was time for a complete contrast...

...as it was the turn of our friend and Polari stalwart Alexis Gregory to explode onto the stage, the force of nature that he is - he has a new show on at the King's Head theatre in Islington, FutureQueer, described thus: "...part theatre, stand-up comedy, DIY queer lecture, pop-culture commentary, and meditation on disco music as a metaphor for queer survival." It certainly was a bit of a mind-fuck! Set in the year 2071, he conjured up for us a fantastical future where everything is "gay-gay-gay"; a world where voguing and lip-syncing are categories in the Olympics, the national anthem is by Dannii Minogue, there's a statue to George Michael on Hampstead Heath, and the goddess of Disco herself Donna Summer [NB 2071 happens to be exactly as far into the future from today as Miss Summer's I Feel Love is in the past] dominates society.

Who better to enter such a fantabulosa world with than "Sexy Lexi" ?!

We needed a fag and a top-up after all that...

After the break, our final reader was 2023's Polari Prize winner Julia Armfield, with a reading from her mysterious new work Our Wives Under The Sea.

As the review in The Guardian put it:

It is told in two alternating voices: Leah’s, in the form of a journal she kept on a deep-sea dive that stranded her and two others in undersea darkness; and that of her wife, Miri, who presumed her lost, after Leah’s return. The tale travels, with Leah and the submarine, down through the missing six months and the ocean’s vertical zones (sunlight, twilight, midnight, abyssal, hadal), while on land Miri tracks how their relationship is changing in the present.

From the extract she read, it would appear that those changes are even more mysterious than anyone could predict... Chilling stuff!

Our evening was not over yet, however - as a real feast of frolics was in store, with the arrival on stage of the ever-joyful David McAlmont with HiFi Sean!

They played a blinder of a set, and got everybody (including the lovely BSL interpreter Paul Michaels) in a dancing mood! Here's a jolly one:

Hifi Sean & David McAlmont - All In The World

STOP PRESS: And then, there's this!

Hifi Sean & David McAlmont live at Polari in Heaven - Celebrate

Now, that's the way to finish an evening!

We love Polari! Roll on the next one...

Dildos, cottaging, illicit gay goings-on in Tehran, gay flood-warnings... and Liza with a "Z"?!

It's not every literary event that provides such a mixture of the earnest, the salacious, the intelligent, the funny and a bit of unexpected pizzazz thrown in for good measure. Then again, there is no other bookish gathering quite like "London's peerless gay literary salon" Polari!

And so it was that I braved the elements and, on my own for a change, went along to the latest outing - once again in the cavernous surroundings of Heaven nightclub on Wednesday night. And what a night it was, too...

Our MC the marvellous Paul Burston opened proceedings with a flourish - and without further ado, our opening salvo came courtesy of the lovely Kate Davies, 2020 Polari Prize winner and noted children's author, who has turned her hand [quite literally in the case of one of the pieces she read for us about her first fisting experience] to semi-autobiographical fiction, with a book that has been described as the ‘lesbian Bridget Jones’ In At The Deep End. From it, [the other extract she read for us] a shopping trip with a difference...

Kate Davies - In at the Deep End

More filth and depravity was to follow, thank goodness.

Our next reader was one of the nominees for this year's Polari First Book Prize [awarded annually for a first book which explores the LGBTQ+ experience] Paul Mendez. You get the idea that there must be something special about it when a debut work by any author is described by none other than Booker Prize-winner Bernardine Evaristo thus:

"When did you last read a novel about a young, black, gay, Jehovah Witness man from Wolverhampton who flees his community to make his way in London as a prostitute? This might be a debut, but Mendez is an exciting, accomplished and daring storyteller with a great ear for dialogue. Graphic Erotica Alert! Don't read this book if you like your fiction cosy and middle-of-the-road."

Indeed, from the extract he read from the work in question Rainbow Milk, where our protagonist Jesse begins his journey to a different life with a particularly raunchy encounter with a stranger in a public toilet lock-up, where both parties discover the advantages of his having no gag reflex, I think Ms Evaristo was entirely correct...

Having fanned myself sufficiently to cool down after that (all-too-familiar) reminiscence, it was time for something completely different.

Golnoosh Nour was born and brought up in Iran, and now teaches creative writing at the University of East London, Birkbeck College and the University of Bedfordshire. Her collection of short stories about the conflicted lives of LGBT+ individuals living under the religious dictatorship of her homeland, The Ministry of Guidance is nominated for the Polari Book Prize [for overall Book of the Year, excluding debuts], and she read pieces from several of them for our delectation. Here's an edited extract from An Evening of Martyrdom, revolving around a secretive gay party, gathering on the same night as the "Mourning of Muharram" [an important Shia commemoration], which I found particularly impressive:

...As a result of smoking, drinking and nibbling, Hasti's lip gloss had come off and Mina found her unpainted lips with their natural, meaty colour even more appealing. She was already sniffing the scent of her neck when Hasti grabbed her right hand and murmured, "Let's go". Mina did not know where, but followed her nonetheless.

Hasti and Mina were walking in a narrow corridor with orange wallpaper, hand in hand. Hasti a few steps ahead, leading Mina. Mina's nostrils were on Hasti's nape, sniffing its strange scent, which Mina concluded smelt like her dead mother: a mixture of cigarette smoke and spicy cologne, resulting in a smell of burnt trees, which she relished. She sensed her next painting would be a forest on fire. She knew Hasti was taking her to Omid's bedroom, at the end of the long corridor. Suddenly she felt in love with the existence of this corridor, which connected Omid's living room to his bedroom, separating her and Hasti from the rest of the party. It was indeed the best thing that could exist in a house, and probably the world...

...Hasti pushed her onto the bed. Mina pushed her back. "I need to tell you something," murmured Mina... "This is my first time."...

Mina was pleased that Hasti was 'turned on' by her confession and not taken aback. Hasti's cold fingers started running all over her body. Mina closed her eyes and let herself tremble on Omid's single bed...

...for some reason she could not talk. She was breathing heavily and the only thing she cared about was her heavenly wetness and Hasti's wet mouth. Hasti's fingers were inside her and Mina was writhing on the dark bed trying her best not to scream.

The door opened, and she felt blinded by the orange corridor and the figure of someone she didn't recognise in her inebriation, orgasm and the dark.

"The neighbours have called the police," the figure said, her voice quiet and quivering.

After three erotic tales in a row, it was time for a well-deserved cigarette. After the break, it was time for the annual award ceremony - and to announce the shortlists for the two coveted Polari Prizes, the aforementioned Kate Davies and the cute-as-a-button "slam poet" Keith Jarrett took to the stage.

The titles shortlisted for the £2000 Polari Prize are:

• The Ministry of Guidance and other stories (Golnoosh Nour, Muswell Press)
• Dragman (Steven Appleby, Jonathan Cape)
• The Air Year (Caroline Bird, Carcanet)
• What Girls Do in the Dark (Rosie Garland, Nine Arches Press)
• The Intoxicating Mr Lavelle (Neil Blackmore, Windmill)
• No Modernism Without Lesbians (Diana Souhami, Head of Zeus)

The works shortlisted for the £1000 Polari First Book Prize are:

• Rainbow Milk (Paul Mendez, Dialogue Books)
• Forced Out (Kevin Maxwell, Granta)
• A Dutiful Boy (Mohsin Zaidi, Vintage)
• Swimming in the Dark (Tomasz Jędrowski, Bloomsbury)
• Shuggie Bain (Douglas Stuart, Picador)
• Charred (Andreena Leeanne, Team Angelica).

Speaking of Mr Jarrett, guess who was next to take the stage?

With a particularly pithy set of backdrop photos, he read a few of his often hard-hitting, always excellent poems - including this one [just after he'd explained that it was indeed true: a UKIP councillor did claim that the floods that hit the UK in 2014 were as a result of equal marriage legislation!]:

Keith Jarrett - Poem Poem

As the lovely Keith departed the stage, so the whole evening took a completely different direction, and Paul B proudly introduced not one, but two of the greatest showbiz divas of all time to the stage!

In reality, of course, it was the creation of two stars of musical theatre Helen Sheals and Emma Dears - whose show Judy and Liza relaunched at the first post-lockdown Brighton Fringe this summer. Heavens! They were fab.

A smattering of the classics were all ticked off: Together, Wherever We Go, the famous Happy Days Are Here Again/Get Happy medley, the Man That Got Away, Liza with a Z, Cabaret - and a very clever medley of Somewhere Over the Rainbow and Maybe This Time that was truly stupendous! I loved it.

Judy & Liza theatrical trailer

As the stardust settled to the floor, there was just time for the customary curtain-call - and that was it for another sublime evening...

We love Polari!

Butterflies, Whitney vs Allah, fisting gloves and bus stop sanitiser

It was a long time coming. Our last outing - and in fact the very last time it was able to be held - was February's "Polari in Heaven". So it was indeed a joy for all concerned that John-John and I were able to attend the re-emergence of Polari at the venerable Royal Vauxhall Tavern last night!

Our hostess-with the mostest Mr Paul Burston was thrilled, too, resplendent in his Bowie facemask and a butterfly-patterned shirt ["like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon", he observed], as he opened proceedings in the socially-distanced, table-service-only venue...

...and he should well have been proud, as we were treated to a fantabulosa evening's entertainment!

Opening proceedings in a fittingly OTT fashion was the whirlwind of energy that is Amrou Al-Kadhi, aka Glamrou.

Not only is this glamorous creature nominated for the Polari First Book Prize this year for their autobiography Unicorn: The Memoir of a Muslim Drag Queen, but also a brilliant and funny performer - as their "love song to Allah" So Emotional [yes, it is based on Miss Houston's 80s wibbler], complete with genuflection and an attempted pole-dance more than proved. Mind-blowing - we loved it!

With the applause ringing in our ears, with what could anyone follow that?

 

How about a paean to lesbian sex, and the (ahem) ins-and-outs of fisting?

And that is exactly what our next reader the lovely Kate Davies provided, in an uproarious and xxx-rated extract from her new book In At The Deep End (shortlisted for the "other" award, for established writers, The Polari Prize 2020). The book's blurb alone is hilarious:

Until recently, Julia hadn’t had sex in three years.

But now:

• a one-night stand is accusing her of breaking his penis;
• a sexually confident lesbian is making eyes at her over confrontational modern art;
• and she’s wondering whether trimming her pubes makes her a bad feminist.

Julia’s about to learn that she’s been looking for love – and satisfaction – in all the wrong places…

Quite an eye-opener, indeed. And utterly brilliant.

After a short break for a pee and a fag, it was time for a little "round-table discussion", with Paul exploring a bit more of the lives of  Glamrou and Kate, and the inspirations behind their writing. 

Both were illuminating. Obviously the harrowing childhood of a closet gayer being brought up in a strict Islamic Iraqi household makes the bravery of Glamrou's chosen career as an outrageous drag performer all the more admirable. However Kate's complex and varied history, including "a short-lived career as a burlesque dancer that ended when she was booed off stage at a Conservative club, dressed as a bingo ball", and culminating in her memorable coming-out as a lesbian when she met her first lover after one such performance in the RVT itself, was equally fascinating.

But, just as we thought it was safe...

...Ms Barbara Brownskirt arrived to take over the stage!

One of our favourites - and longtime regular "antagonist" at Polari - the "Brownskirt woman" (the creation of the adorable Karen McLeod), the "Writer-in-Residence at the 197 bus stop on Croydon Road in Penge" continues to be overlooked by all the book prizes yet keeps up the pressure by reading them to the audience, like it or not! Last night included some dearly loved favourites, including Judi (Judi, Judi) (her love-song for Britain's favourite theatrical Dame) and Cruelty-Free Shoes, but we were also treated to some new ones, including The Blackberries Are Worrying Me and a new lockdown poem The Bus Stop Will Not Be Sanitised!

Here she is, in fine form, at a previous RVT evening:

Barbara Brownskirt - Same Sex Marriage

We love her!

And, after the customary "curtain call", we made the most of the very short time remaining till the current "curfew closing time" of 10pm to mingle with some of the few regulars in attendance among the throng (Sexy Lexi and the lovely Uli from Gay's The Word bookshop among them), before wending our way back home again. I was home by 10.45pm - unheard of for a Friday night in the old days!

I have booked now (thanks, Paul!) for the next outing on 23rd October, featuring readings from Booker Prize-nominated novelist Philip Hensher, and the magnificent Diana Souhami, esteemed biographer of society lesbians such as Gertrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas, Gluck, Violet Trefusis, Radcliffe Hall, Romaine Brooks and Natalie Barney.

Can't wait!

We love Polari.