Thought for the Day

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Hurrah!

The ravings of an addled old man on a golf jolly

A US president’s suggestion that Ireland should reunify as soon as possible would have triggered riots, terrorism and political crisis if he were not a shite-spouting halfwit.

In any other circumstances than the president being a gaga eejit with no idea what he is even saying as it dribbles out of his mendacious mouth, the statement would have caused a major diplomatic row and significant unrest.

Taioseach Micheál Martin said: “Even the paramilitaries are calling bullshit on this one.

“Imagine if a proper president had said it. It would spark sectarian violence, angry disavowals from politicians, Andy Burnham desperately trying to calm things down. I mean, Belfast. It’s any excuse to throw a petrol bomb up there.

“But thankfully both sides were able to take into account this was nothing more than the ravings of an addled old man on a golf jolly and of no more import than a drunk mumbling in the corner of a Doonbeg bar.”

Emma Little-Pengelly of the DUP said: “And the way he said it? ‘One of the naturals of all time is to put them together’? Are we sure he wasn’t thinking of Sydney Sweeney’s diddies?”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[As for his latest rant: "The only control or 'guardrails' that AI needs is a STRONG AND SMART (High IQ!) PRESIDENT, and the U.S.A. has that, in spades!" (which would have made me hoot - bar for the fact that he's so fucking deluded he really does think that ignoring the experts is wise) - The Mash has something to say about that, too!]

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FOOTNOTE:

Speaking of rants, this is my latest missive to the bastard Google gnomes, using the "feedback" button on Blogger...

Congratulations! SEVEN DAYS - and the Blogger Reading List is still broken! SEVEN DAYS - and not one person in the whole of Google has said anything about it! No apologies. No press announcements. Nothing. It's as if people who use your systems are irrelevant. Sad, really.

They won't read it, nor will they do anything, of course - but it makes me feel better.

Met him on some boys’ trip?

Trump Spends Entire U.K. Trip Trying To Figure Out Where He Knows Prince Andrew From

Claiming that he recognised the member of the royal family, but his memory was hazy, President Donald Trump has spent his entire trip to the U.K. trying to figure out where he knows Prince Andrew from, sources confirmed Thursday.

“Who is that guy? His face seems so familiar,” said Trump, pausing in the middle of shaking hands with various royal dignitaries to get a closer look at the disgraced Duke of York, whose name, as well as the activities they engaged in together, had been eluding him for the past couple of days.

“Maybe I met him on some boys’ trip? I feel like I’ve seen his penis before. Have we ever gone swimming at the same time? You have a mole right here under your rib cage, right?”

At press time, Trump reportedly concluded that the prince, who quickly continued down the halls of Windsor Castle while avoiding all eye contact, must be Stephen Hawking.

The Onion

For a change...

Satire of the Day

[click to embiggen]

Cartoonist Martin Rowson is a genius!. More of his work may be found in The Guardian.

World Book Day

The adaptation is on your TV screens as we speak.

Deranged

The AI-generated video of Gaza that Trump shared yesterday was a terrifying glimpse into his mad brain the world was totally unprepared for.

Millions of people who watched Trump’s vision for Gaza, which includes bearded belly dancers and towering gold statues of himself, have been driven completely insane by the chilling insight into how his deranged mind works.

Martin Bishop from Woking said: “I thought I’d be immune to Trump’s batshit ideas by now, but no. Watching him sipping cocktails by the pool with a topless Netanyahu pushed me over the edge.

“This must be how he sees everything, weird and tacky with money floating down everywhere while terrible music plays all the time. Why else would he endorse this abomination?

“Seeing a child holding a giant gold balloon shaped like Trump’s head made me realise reality is an idiotic delusion. I used to be a rational man with a career and a family. Now I spend my days shitting in the park like a dog and screaming ‘We’re all going to Trump Gaza!’”

Nikki Hollis from Perth said: “I’ve started thinking the gods of Atlantis are talking to me through my toaster, and I only microdosed Trump’s brain for half a minute. Imagine what thinking like that all the time must do to a person.

“Actually you don’t need to imagine. Just turn on the news and you can see a man who thinks Elon Musk is cool.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[The "real" story. Be prepared...]

Dickheads

How to write a triumphant column about Trump that will make you look a dickhead in four years or less

Are you a journalist? Right-of-centre? Looking to write a gloating column about President Trump that will age very, very badly? Follow these tips:

Skip over the inconvenient
Whether it’s the attempt to overturn an election or his bromance with Putin, move smoothly past the awkward fact that he proudly stands for multiple policies you’re theoretically dead against. Stress instead his mandate, his restoration of traditional values, how lovely his wife looks in her gangster hat, and let cancelling elections come as a lovely surprise.

Dismiss valid concerns
The promise to retake the Panama Canal by force? No more than the aggressive opening of a negotiation by a renowned deal-maker. Trump’s no more going to send troops in an act of war against a peaceful neighbour than he would pack the judiciary with pals and arrest political opponents on false charges. Stay sure of that until it happens.

Praise his restraint
Trump loves praise, so lavish it. Tell him how wonderful he is for not imposing martial law, how statesmanlike for not appointing his sons to key cabinet posts, that by not ordering his face to be added to Mount Rushmore on the first day he is acting in the tradition of Jefferson and Lincoln. Then watch him do all those things because you gave him the idea.

Revel in the defeat of the wokerati
Never mind what Trump will do, what about your enemies? The columnists for rival newspapers who disagree with you? The twats who insist on having different opinions to you on social media? This is a time to mock, to belittle, to taunt them for their ridiculous claims of incipient fascism. You definitely won’t regret those words.

Stake your reputation
Dizzy with success, make predictions. Elon Musk’s random firing of half the government will have uniformly positive consequences. Appointing a vaccine-skeptic will be a massive boost to America’s health. Making it clear the rule of law doesn’t apply to thugs on our side will work out brilliant. Then sit back and wait to reap the wonderfulness you have sown.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Where did he even hear about them?

The US is hunting down the thoughtless prick who provided Donald Trump with a map of the world and caused all this trouble.

The incoming president has never previously suffered from territorial ambition but is now attempting to annex Canada, buy Greenland and wants the Panama Canal as an inaugural gift, prompting advisers to seek out where he even heard about them from.

A Mar-a-Lago insider said: “He’s clearly got one. How else would he know the names of all these places? He didn’t before.

“It’s somewhere in his suite, covered in ketchup fingerprints, with Gulf of Mexico scribbled out and ‘Gulf of AMERICA!’ written in, but we can’t find it and he’s getting worse. Yesterday he asked if I knew we had to go through Canada to get to Alaska, and if I thought that was ‘fair’.

“Last time he’d happily get on Air Force One, meet a leader, have a banquet, fly home and not even know where he’d been. Now he’s getting all geopolitical.

“It’s definitely a map, not a globe, which is why he thinks Greenland is as large as the continental United States. I pity the poor bastard who has to explain the Mercator Projection to him.”

He added: “If he finds out it wraps around and we’re only a strait away from Russia? Oh boy.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[What?! I hear you say - two Daily Mash posts in one week? Yes. This one was too good not to share...]

Laughs all the way

The world is preparing for a fun-filled four years after the US re-elected the rollicking slapstick clown who proved so hilarious last time.

Donald Trump, with his orange face, white eyes and enormous ego is once again under the spotlight on the world stage performing his farcical antics to the unabashed delight of everyone.

Jack Browne of Bournemouth said: “Is he back? Brilliant! I was so hoping he would be. The last guy barely elicited a chuckle.

“But this one’s hilarious. You can’t take your eyes off him. Whether he’s injecting bleach, serving McDonald’s banquets or getting his overlong red tie caught in the door of a speeding limousine until he spins like a top, it’s laughs all the way.

“Remember when he pretended he couldn’t understand the election result? That one got funnier and funnier the longer he did it until that big foam party with all his absurd dressed-up clowns at the US Capitol. Riotous!

“Oh, we’re in for a jolly few years with this fellow in charge. I can’t wait until he re-does Mount Rushmore so it’s his own face four times! Hysterical!”

Humourless scold Thomas Booker, who always brings everyone down, said: “Actually this is a serious threat to democracy and the free world. So there.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

This time, this void

COVID-19 has asked President Trump if he still thinks it is ‘just the flu’ that ‘will vanish on its own’ now.

The virus, which has infected the president and first lady Melania Trump, hopes that the couple can hear it saying "Now who’s the fake news, dickheads?" from inside their bloodstreams.

It continued: “Remember saying ‘One day, it’s like a miracle, it will disappear?’. You’d better f**king hope so, huh?

“Sorry to get all attacking your lungs and breathing capacity about this, but sometimes you need to make your point in person. When you’ve been insulted.

“What’s that I see fussing around your fat, old coronavirus-infected body? Doctors? But I thought you were a natural born medical genius. What do you need them for? Can’t cure me yourself?

“Who’s not worth wearing a mask for now? Who’s not worth cancelling your rallies for now? Who’s not afraid of coronavirus now, bitch?

“Man this feels good. Hope I don’t get carried away.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

If anything [else] is going to get us into the mood for a party, despite the apocalyptic rain and gales enveloping us the the moment, it is this [highly appropriate, in light of the news] number...

...Thank Disco It's Friday!

Kylie Minogue - Breathe (Parralox Remix v2)

This time, this void
I'm making my way through the muddy minutes
The pull is in my muscle
The ache is in my bones
It's hard to be alone
Breathe, breathe, it won't be long now, breathe, breathe
It won't be long now, breathe, breathe
It won't be long now, breathe, breathe

Have a great weekend, peeps!

The nationwide sigh of relief

He's gone.

A shithead in America

I could sit and watch it all day.

"For a rambling, bigoted shithead, I have done surprisingly well in the midterm elections.

"I lack any qualities traditionally considered presidential, but have held control of the Senate and only lost the House of Representatives which I don’t even care about.

"This would be a decent midterm result for a decent president. But it’s a major-league win for a jerkwad like me.

"I’ve proven that it doesn’t matter how racist, corrupt, petty or just plain dumbfuck stupid I am, about half the country will vote for me regardless. That’s a hell of a building block for 2020.

"All the Democrats need to do is run the wrong candidate, like a woman or a boring guy or a guy who’s annoyingly smart, and I will steamroller them.

"In fact I might just claim I’m running against Hillary, ignoring whoever it actually is, and shout ‘lock her up’ and that’s probably enough for a win.

"It’s great being a shithead in America."

Donald Trump

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Sad, but obviously true.

In the dark

There will be a darkness cloaking America for at least the next three years, it has emerged.

Millions of Americans took to the streets to hopefully watch the sun emerge from behind the moon, only to find that their country remained shrouded in darkness.

Tom Booker, from Oregon, said: “I guess we are stuck with the darkness, unless investigations into the darkness’s business practices turn up anything juicy and it gets removed.

“But I can’t imagine the darkness will go easily because it’s big and fat and sticky.

“On the plus side, I am saving a fortune on sun cream.”

Emma Bradford from Florida said: “I just avoid looking directly at the darkness, because it can make you go a bit insane.

“The best thing is to not think about it too much, keep eating slightly too much food, and hope this year brings another Lego Movie.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

The "real" story

Every picture tells a story

News outlets are unable to find a picture of Donald Trump where he doesn’t look like an absolute maniac, it has been confirmed.

Every picture taken of Trump, since he rose to fame as a symbol of the eighties’ greed and arrogance, has been deemed to make him look ‘odd at best’, while more recent photos make him look like the end-of-level boss in a Nintendo martial arts game.

News website editor Tom Booker said: “We are constantly accused of bias for making him look ‘like that’.

“But ‘like that’ is what he looks like.”

A White House insider said: “We were hoping that the picture of him holding up a baby when he was running for election would have humanised him but if anything he just looked like he was about to eat the baby.

“Even when he took the oath everyone was still just focused on his tiny hands that are too small to even warrant a weight division in a boxing match.

“There is that picture of him taking the piss out of a disabled journalist. It doesn’t make him look normal but it’s definitely a good representation of him as a person.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Run, run, run but you sure can't hide

Here at Dolores Delargo Towers, we are steadfastly ignoring anything that might be going on "over the pond" today.

Instead, we look forward to the looming weekend, and, as always, we mean to party! Here to play us in, with their super-flared red and yellow matching ensembles, jazzy graphics and fancy footwork, it's the Temptations with Ball of Confusion...

Thank Disco It's Friday!

Temptations - Ball of Confusion

Segregation, determination, demonstration, integration
Aggravation, humiliation, obligation to our nation

Ball of confusion
Oh yeah, that's what the world is today

Indeed.

Have a good (teeth-gritting, if you're American) weekend, dear chums!

"Urine trouble"

That famous American Melania Trump dampens some recent leaks about her husband's proclivities:

Charlie Hides - Melania's Golden Opportunity

It is so faboo to have Charlie Hides TV back in business!

Sensual, delicate and vulnerable?

Nigel Farage will wear a white dress and heels to serenade Donald Trump at his presidential inauguration, it has been confirmed.

With many high-profile performers rejecting offers to perform, the former UKIP leader has promised a ‘sultry’ and ‘husky’ rendition of Happy Birthday.

Farage said: “I’m going to strike just the right balance between mainstream family entertainment and outright eroticism.

“As well as being sensual, I am delicate and vulnerable, like a bird in a gilded cage, and I want to bring that across.

“Paul Nuttall might to a bit on his banjo too, if there’s time.”

Farage believes that a successful performance could lead to some sort of courtesan role that involves feeding Trump grapes while wearing a leather uniform.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Fast food ambassador

Nigel Farage will be Donald Trump’s high powered ‘go-between’ whenever the new president wants to eat some pizza.

An excited Farage was summoned to New York by Trump yesterday to be appointed as one of the billionaire’s eight ‘fast food ambassadors’.

Farage said: “It will be my job to sit down with the nearest Domino’s and talk through Donald’s approach and his priorities. They need to understand that he wants to a deal about pizza, but it has to be the right deal.

“His claim that anchovies were only fit for Mexican rapists was campaign trail rhetoric.

“He wants to work with anchovies, he wants to work with thinly sliced ham and he wants to work with black olives.

“Well, maybe not black olives. Do olives come in beige? And if not, why not?”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

"You can't hurt me. This is my world. And you can't ever leave."

On this date in history:

• 1494 Family de' Medici become rulers of Florence.
• 1799 Napoleon Bonaparte becomes dictator (1st consul) of France.
• 1921 Partito Nazionalista Fascista formed in Italy by Mussolini.
• 1923 Beer Hall Putsch organised by Hitler in Munich.
• 1938 Kristallnacht begins: pogrom against Jews in Germany and Austria.
• 1984 Wes Craven's horror film "A Nightmare on Elm Street" premieres in the US.

2016 History repeating.

Mass debating

America's presidential candidates have clashed on live television – but who won the debate?

Clinton defended deleting 33,000 personal emails including Wowcher deals that no sane person could ignore.

Trump is insane.

Clinton denied that her hair is looking increasingly similar to Trump’s and that they will eventually become a celebrity couple known as Trumcli.

Trump is insane.

Clinton rebutted attacks on her physical stamina by asserting that she now drinks Horlicks every night and has the malt levels of a 22-year-old.

Trump is insane.

Clinton is not Trump. Trump is insane.

Trump See above.

The Daily Mash

Of course.