El Brexit?

It's Brexit Day! - and ironically, we're packing for our annual pilgrimage to sunny Spain tomorrow. Actually, not so ironic, as just about everyone in the bars on "our bit" of the the Costa del Sol is British anyway. Even our regular haunt, a Dutch bar, is well stocked with all the red-top tabloids and a telly showing league football...

Never mind all that, as the clock ticks down on my final half-day in the benighted office, I am definitely in the mood for a celebration - and who better to lead it than the lovely Miguel Bosé?

¡Gracias disco es viernes!

Miguel Bosé - Shoot Me in the Back

Have a good weekend, peeps. We're looking forward to a whole week!!

Get over it

Remainers have announced that, three-and-a-half years after the referendum, they are to get over it.

Following yesterday’s landslide election win, Remainers across Britain have admitted there is a strong chance that the country did want to leave the EU after all.

Nathan Muir of of Reading said: “You know what? Maybe it’s time I moved on.

“There was just something about the referendum result I didn’t like – maybe it was that my side lost – so I decided it must be wrong, and must be reversed, and did everything I could to achieve that.

“But I have to admit it’s looking very much like my efforts were wasted, and Brexit is happening, and perhaps it’s time to be the bigger man and accept it.

“Brexit it is. Brexit for everyone. Fine. Doesn’t bother me.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Fun and laughter on our summer holiday

Britons have asked their government if it would mind not sending the pound into freefall right before their summer holidays every bloody year.

Threats of a no-deal Brexit have once again sent the pound plummeting against the euro, the dollar, the Turkish lira and all other currencies of hot countries where the UK has two weeks booked.

Tom Booker of Derby said: “It might be nice to have one holiday where the government isn’t snatching cocktails from my hand and dashing them to the ground. Just one.

“Instead, ever since 2016, the Tories decide to engage in July-August economic brinksmanship and I run out of spending money four days before my flight, while the Germans watch and laugh.

“I suppose last year they did vary things a bit by sending the pound into freefall at the beginning of December, depriving thousands of kids visiting Lapland of a reindeer feeding experience. So that was good of them.”

Chancellor Sajid Javid said: “Thing is, politics is a bit boring in summer so we play a game of chicken with the Eurozone’s larger economies to keep our adrenaline up.

“If it’s ruined your holiday it serves you right for not choosing a patriotic British break. We’re dynamiting the Channel tunnel next year anyway.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

An imaginary election held in a dream

Experts have advised that if there was ever an election where voters could throw caution to the wind and go hogwild, this is the one.

The electorate has been told to indulge their worst instincts and vote for whatever ridiculous fantasy candidate they like because none of it will make a jot of difference.

Pollster Denys Finch Hatton said: “One, it’s the European elections and nobody gives a shit who their MEP is or knows what they do.

“Two, we’re probably leaving the EU within the year anyway so the whole thing’s completely pointless and serves no purpose other than kids getting a day off school.

“Finally it’s proportional representation, so if you want to briefly reward a career eco-warrior or frothing xenophobe with a 10-grand-a-month salary for as long as it lasts, now’s your chance.

“It’s an imaginary election held in a dream and the results will mean nothing more than whatever both sides want them to. Go apeshit.”

Voter Nikki Hollis said: “Yeah, I mean look at these choices – the Brexit Party, Change UK, the Conservatives, Corbyn’s Labour Party. It can’t be important if these twats are allowed to take part.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[All the news from the EU elections is on the BBC website. If you can be arsed.]

It's a neverending promise of a holy grail

And so, on the day we were supposed to be leaving the bloody EU once-and-for all, the debacle just carries on, and on, and on...

TV show Blue Peter has asked children to make a basic Brexit plan and send them in, with the best ones going to Parliament to be voted on.

Presenter Lindsey Russell demonstrated how to draw a Brexit deal with felt tips, or make one from washing-up liquid bottles, kitchen foil and double-sided sticky tape.

She said: “The best Brexit plans will be sent straight to the world-famous House of Commons, right next to Big Ben, where people called ‘MPs’ will put them through a series of ‘indicative votes’.

“If your plan’s good enough it could go all the way to becoming law and shaping our relationship with our neighbours for decades to come.

“You’ll be invited on the show to meet Speaker of the House John Bercow and you’ll get a very rare ‘I Had a Plan for Brexit’ Blue Peter badge.

“Sorry, this competition is not open to viewers in Northern Ireland at the DUP’s request.”

Nine-year-old Nathan Muir said: “My dad helped me with it but the Irish backstop kept falling out. We just sent it in anyway. They won’t notice.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Still, there's always a party to look forward to on the weekend... Let's start as we mean to go on, in the company of Mr Moroder and Miss Minogue - and Thank Disco It's Friday!

Giorgio Moroder feat Kylie Minogue - Right Here, Right Now

When the lights start flashing
It could open up your eyes
And the highest mountain
Is the one that you have climbed

(Yeah?!)
I could look for love, to skies in blue
I could look for love, to get over you
I could look for love, for a deeper kiss
Nothing ever felt, as good as this

Staring in your eyes, I see the sunrise
There's nowhere else but right here, right now
No deeper feeling, this is the real thing
There's nowhere else but right here, right now
(Ooooohhh-oooh-ooh)
There's nowhere else but right here, right now
(Ooooohhh-oooh-ooh)
There's nowhere else but right here, right now

It's a neverending
Promise of a holy grail
But this place I'm in, it feels so real
Gotta sit back and exhale

(Yeah?!)
I could look for love, to skies in blue
I could look for love, to get over you
I could look for love, for a deeper kiss
Nothing ever felt, as good as this

Staring in your eyes, I see the sunrise
There's nowhere else but right here, right now
No deeper feeling, this is the real thing
There's nowhere else but right here, right now
(Ooooohhh-oooh-ooh)
There's nowhere else but right here, right now
(Ooooohhh-oooh-ooh)
There's nowhere else but right here, right now

Cause the way you hold me tonight
Makes it feel like there's nowhere else I'd rather be
Than right here, right now, tonight
Yeah, right here, right now, tonight

(Ooooohhh-oooh-ooh)
There's nowhere else but right here, right now
(Ooooohhh-oooh-ooh)
There's nowhere else but right here, right now
(Ooooohhh-oooh-ooh...)

Have fun, whatever you get up to this weekend, dear chums...

Antichrists

Pope Francis of Rome will have no role in checking vehicles entering and leaving Northern Ireland, Theresa May has assured the DUP.

The prime minister believes the strongest selling point of her ramshackle Brexit deal to weird religious unionists is the lack of involvement by the papal Antichrist.

Speaking in Belfast, May said: “If the Pope wants to carry out phytosanitary checks on a truckload of refrigerated beef passing through Crossmaglen, that will not be allowed.

“Let me be clear – the Roman Catholic Church will have no say in border arrangements. Heavily armed cardinals from the Vatican setting up checkpoints is off the table.”

DUP leader Arlene Foster said: “Obviously we welcome a Brexit free of Popery. However there is still the small matter of our many annoying, contradictory demands.

“We’ve just thought of a new one. Any milk, cheese or butter from the mainland or the Republic must not come from gay cows. Sort that or the deal’s off.

“Also for some reason the British government must pay us £455 million for this.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

And here's an appropriate little amuse-bouche...

Theresa May - Arlene

Everything dismissed

Limbo by Hieronymous Bosch (or a follower)

The UK’s political leaders have ruled out the Brexit deal, a no-deal Brexit, a second referendum, a general election, remaining in the EU and continuing the current situation.

The prime minister and the leader of the opposition have agreed that none of the options available to them are tenable and must all be dismissed before any progress can be made.

Jeremy Corbyn said: “The British people are sick of their humdrum range of limited choices.

“Nobody wants a second referendum. Nobody wants a no-deal exit. The only deal on the table has been resoundingly rejected, and though I claim to want a general election I’d actually rather just take over but there’s not the support.

“But I can say categorically that we reject all the options so far raised, and indeed anything confined by the arbitrary limits of the merely possible.

“Perhaps we could exist in a quantum state both in and out of the EU. Perhaps Britain splits into a thousand warring factions. Perhaps we wink out of reality to return for one day every hundred years.

“Either way, we’re resolutely opposed to doing anything that we could actually do. Your move, universe.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

---

Footnote: I will be out of circulation for a few days. "Normal" service should resume on Saturday.

Enough!

Everyone in Britain has confirmed they will happily vote for absolutely anything as long as they do not have to ever hear the word ‘Brexit’ ever again.

The Institute for Studies found that whether they had voted Leave or Remain, banishing the word ‘Brexit’ from the language was now the biggest priority.

Annoyed man, Tom Booker said: “I’d vote for Idi Amin if it just meant I didn’t have to hear Brexit ever, and I mean ever, a-fucking-gain.

“Not even in a historical context either. If some history teacher wants to talk about Brexit they can just say, ‘that two year bout of constipation’. I’m pretty sure the kids would get what they meant.”

Annoyed woman, Nikki Hollis added: “At least change the name of it. It was a made up name to begin with anyway. Just make up another one. Like ‘shandwhich’.”

“Brexit is Britain’s Exit and shandwich is shit sandwich. Same thing.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

A Song (NOT) for Europe

The deed is done...

Andrea Bocelli, Sarah Brightman - Time To Say Goodbye

Time to say goodbye
Paesi che no ho mai
Veduto e vissuto con te
Adesso si` li vivro`
Con te partiro`
Su navi per mari
Che io lo so
No, no, non esistono piu

Time to say goodbye
Horizons are never far
Would I have to find them alone
without true light of my own with you
I will go on ships over seas
that I now know
No, they don't exist any more
It's time to say goodbye

‘Can you tell me the way to the fishmonger?’

A man who keeps saying he sees himself as European is rapidly becoming very annoying, everyone has decided.

Teacher Martin Bishop, from Nottingham, frequently claims to have a strong sense of European identity despite only having been to France three times on holiday.

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “I think Martin imagines he’s a sophisticated European citizen who spends his time at Berlin film festivals when he’s not shagging enigmatic Parisian women.

“I appreciate he doesn’t agree with Brexit, but the only foreign language he knows is weird GCSE French phrases like ‘Can you tell me the way to the fishmonger?’

“It’s totally ridiculous because there’s no way British people think ‘Ah, another day in Europe’ when they’re watching Eastenders or standing in the queue in Greggs.

“Martin needs to shut the fuck up about Europe or move there, but he won’t do that because he’d just end up living in a hostel until his money ran out.”

Bishop said: “We Europeans are more cosmopolitan than your average Briton. That’s why we appreciate unpleasantly strong coffee and films about university professors having doomed lesbian affairs with their students.

“Sadly my friends prefer to stay in their little Anglo-centric bubble and aren’t interested in coming over to eat calves’ liver and watch the European Parliament Channel.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

If it's the last thing we ever do

In? Out? Shake it all about?

I'm heartily sick of the whole "Brexit" thing.

As we hurtle (roller-skate?) towards another weekend, there is only one - most appropriate - song we need to play to get this party started, courtesy of Gilla...

Gilla - We gotta get out of this place

We gotta get out of this place
If it's the last thing we ever do
We gotta get out of this place
'cause girl, there's a better life for me and you

Thank Disco It's Friday!

The thru’penny bit and the half-crown

The UK’s exit from the EU means the welcome return of the thru’penny bit and the half-crown, it has been confirmed.

Since 1971 Britain has laboured with a hateful foreign currency system the population has never fully understood. But that will all be forgotten next year when Britain returns to pounds, shillings and pence.

Roy Hobbs, 62, from Plaistow, said: “I can’t wait to get back to the simple old system of having twelve pennies to the shilling, twenty shillings to the pound, two groats to the farthing and six guineas to the Fahrenheit.

“Like most people I have spent four decades being utterly baffled by the European madness of decimalisation. It flies in the face of common sense and resulted in everything costing far more than it should.

“No wonder milkmen no longer whistle like they used to.”

Mary Fisher, 77, said: “At last my grandson will be able to go out on Saturday mornings with a silver florin in his pocket and buy a furlong of liquorice and a quart of sherbet dabs for tuppence ha’penny.

“However despite leaving Europe last week we have not yet seen the return of Opal Mints, which is hugely disappointing.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

The British lion’s newfound mighty roar?

Every country in the former British Empire has demanded Britain resume full political control now it has proven it is great again.

Australia, India, Canada, Egypt and South Africa, among a host of others, have all dissolved their governments in a show of awestruck admiration for the British lion’s newfound mighty roar.

Kenya’s president Uluru Kenyatta said: “We never wanted Britain to stop ruling us in the first place – why ever would we? – but you just needed to grab hold of your mojo again.

“Don’t worry about giving us voting rights or any of that nonsense. Now you are once again a proud, resurgent nation unafraid of political correctness, we have absolute trust you will act in our best interest. And the world’s.

“I step down this afternoon. Oh man, I hope we get Michael Gove as governor. That guy is the best.”

The UK now commands a fifth of the world’s population and one-quarter of its total habitable land, which is as it should be.

Retired headmistress Margaret Gerving, from Guildford, said: “I don’t know why America is insisting on being independent. I’m sure they’ll stop being silly eventually.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

The real news is on the BBC.