'Tis the Season...

Scarfolk Council

Ho Ho Fucking Ho, indeed.

And all through the house...

Bob Rivers Twisted Christmas - The Chimney Song

There's something stuck up in the chimney and I don't know what it is
But it's been there all night long
Well, I waited up for Santa all Christmas night
But he never came and it don't seem right
That there's something in the chimney and it doesn't make a sound
But I wish you Merry Christmas

There's something stuck up in the chimney and I don't know what it is
But it's been there all week long
Well, the dog keeps barking up the chimney flue
And we don't know what we're gonna to do
Cause there's something in the chimney and it doesn't move around
And it's been a week since Christmas

There's something stuck up in the chimney and I don't know what it is
But it's been there all month long
Well, it's jammed up tight above the fireplace
Now the house smells funny, such a big disgrace
That there's something in the chimney and it doesn't talk at all
And it's been there since last Christmas

There's something stuck up in the chimney and I don't know what it is
But it's been there all year long
I'll been waiting up for Santa like I did last year
But my brother says, "He's already here."
And he's stuck up in the chimney
And he doesn't say a word
And he'll be there every Christmas
And we'll have him every Christmas

Touches me every time.

Bah Humbug.

Mood music

Probably the only thing I would like to unwrap on Monday

A lovely Xmas carol, courtesy of house faves The Supreme Fabulettes!

Supreme Fabulettes - You Ruined My Christmas

Bah Humbug.

Have another sherry...

It's that time of year - when all thoughts turn to the fantabulosa Fascinating Aida for a traditional Xmas message...

Fascinating Aida - The Christmas Song

Bah Humbug.

I'm dreaming of a smug Xmas...

Christmas is full of wonderful opportunities to be sickeningly middle class, but what sort of bourgeois poncery is right for you? Read our guide for inspiration.

Foodie Christmas

A Christmas totally dominated by agonisingly trivial conversations about prosciutto and storing aubergines in oil that make normal people want to ram Nigel Slater’s baked marrow up your arse.

Guardian Christmas

Christmas with a strong focus on fun things like ethical consumerism and hand-wringing liberal guilt. Presents should be things like oven gloves made by homeless people showing ‘Mrs Santa’ delivering the gifts in a two-fingered salute to Santa’s oppressive, patriarchal present-delivering monopoly.

Upper-middle class Christmas

Incredibly expensive Richard Curtis film-style Christmas for people who do not realise paying £600 for a tree is insane. Crackers will contain a silver hip flask or Fitbit rather than a cellophane fish that purports to reveal your personality. May also involve skiing in Switzerland and “Portia and Hugo bringing their cellos over”.

Educational Christmas

Favoured by ambitious parents, an educational Christmas requires it to be turned into a dreary learning experience about random facts like the natural habitat and diet of reindeer and however Anglo-Saxons celebrated it in their huts. Ideally should involve school-style ‘activity sheets’ and a test on Christmas day for extra fun.

Eco bullshit Christmas

No ‘factory farmed’ turkey here, but instead you will enjoy a wild organic goose that was killed non-invasively by being chased around a meadow until it collapsed. May also involve the dreaded ‘nut roast’ and scraping leftovers into the compost heap while chanting a Pagan hymn of thanks to Mother Earth.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Ho Ho Fucking Ho.