Damian Lewis (50 on 11th February)
Tom Hiddleston (40 years old on 9th February)
Chris Mears MBE (diver, born 7th February 1993)
Ralf Little (born 8th February 1980)
Cristiano Ronaldo (born 5th February 1985)
James Dean (who would have been 90 on 8th February)
Well, that's cheered up a cold, sleety Sunday!
As has this...
A 32-year-old man has spent the last three hours trapped inside a pair of super-skinny jeans in a changing room.The Daily Mash
Tom Booker tried the jeans on in an attempt to look cool for a date with a younger woman but has now lost all feeling in his left leg and fears his buttocks have become welded together.
He said: “I’ve tried everything. Wiggling, rolling, lying on the floor and inching them down, but nothing works. They won’t budge.
“How do the young get out of them? With a couple of fish slices and assistance from friends? My legs look great but it turns out I’ve got a rather larger arse than I ever realised.
“I tried banging on the cubicle walls to get help from other customers but they told me to piss off, and obviously the assistant out front of the changing rooms is uninterested and ignoring me completely. This is Top Shop, after all.
“I can’t walk out without amputating a knacker and I’m not calling a fire crew to cut me out. These jeans cost £35.99.
“I can’t feel anything below the nipples now. I should never have strayed from my Burton’s bootcuts. I love you, bootcuts. It shouldn’t have ended like this. I’m sorry.”
Sport is an entirely negative influence on humanity, it has been confirmed.The Daily Mash.
Following the latest doping scandal in athletics, experts believe it is past time that everyone stopped doing sport.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Sport might seem exciting when shown in a jazzy montage on a television advert for a soft drink, but in reality it is very dull.
“Quite apart from everybody injecting themselves with monkey glands, nobody likes athletics. It’s like amateur dramatics in that the participants quite enjoy it while the audience is thinking about what they’re going to have for tea.
“Footballers are just a bunch of overpaid knobhead philanderers with weirdly geometric hair transplants, while the fans are inexplicably angry with each other because of geographical differences.
“Cycling is weird and essentially for people who are too boring even to be Christians.
“Cricket is just cricket, no further explanation needed, it’s shit.
“I think darts and snooker are okay, let’s keep them and board games.”
Your thoughts and feelings are dictated by whether it is sunny.The Daily Mash.
Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that rather than having a complex psychological core or even an immortal soul, humans are organic machines made happy by sunshine and sad by the rain.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Recently fluctuations in weather demonstrate how there is nothing really to us, character-wise, beyond opening the curtains and going ‘yay’ or ‘boo’.
“If the sun is out you feel content and want beer and sexual intercourse. The song "Lovely Day" by Bill Withers will be playing in your head.
“If it’s rainy you will be in a mood and probably thinking about quitting your job.
“That’s all there is to you really.”
38-year-old Emma Bradford said: “That’s rubbish, my nan died last week and I was an emotional wreck.
“Thinking about it though, the weather brightened up in the afternoon and we did have quite a nice time at the wake.”
