Gigantic Muslim Spiders

A nice older couple inexplicably read the Daily Mail, it has emerged.

Tom and Susan Booker are consistently kind and considerate to both family members and complete strangers, despite enjoying a daily dose of demented frothing hate and undiluted paranoia via their favourite newspaper.

Nikki Hollis, the couple's 33-year-old daughter, said: “It’s weird because they really are sound. Last month dad drove 80 miles in the middle of the night to help me when my car broke down.

“They are generally nice to people and I’m not aware of them being murderous or insane. Maybe they just stare at the pages without reading the words.”

The Bookers’ Daily Mail is delivered at breakfast time, so that they can read articles about devious asylum seekers, homosexual benefits fraudsters and giant African hornets while having their toast.

However Tom Booker explained: “Sometimes they do a thing where you cut out the tokens to try to win a cottage. Even better, they have been known to give away free packets of seeds at the weekend.

“Other than that we mainly get it to keep up on what the cast of 'Celebrity Sex Pit' has been up to.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Read more about the Mail's "sick filth".

And more.

Hate Mail

The Daily Mail in an alternate universe where Hitler won the war is absolutely identical, it has been confirmed.

Scientists created a window into another dimension to view the newspaper, in the hope of gaining insight into how history had developed differently, but instead it was just the Daily Mail.

Professor Helen Archer said: “At first we were appalled by the nightmarish world of deep-seated paranoia, hatred of everyone and unwavering faith in war as the solution to everything, then we realised how familiar it seemed.

“Page for page, comma for comma, not a single difference. The British monarchy are likely a puppet regime installed as a smokescreen for Nazi despots, but you’d never know it from the Mail.

“One researcher believed he’d detected a sinister undercurrent of Aryan supremacy in the depiction of the Kardashians, but it turned out he’d been looking at the one from our universe by mistake.

“We’re working on a new theory which posits that the single constant in an infinity of parallel universes is that the Daily Mail is just as vile in all of them.”

Truth hurts.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Ban this sick filth

As satirised by the Unicyclopedia website:

During the 1930s the Daily Mail briefly supported the Blackshirts and Nazis before they realised the former were too moderate while the latter were German and therefore European.

...the true nature of the paper is not far off.

It has genuinely published such headlines as:

• "One in ten state-subsidised homes goes to an immigrant family."
• "Christianity Under Attack."
• "Despite her flaws, the only responsible vote in France next Sunday is Marine Le Pen."
• "Social websites 'harm a child's brain'"
• "Britain: Sick man of Europe."
• "Ban this sick filth!"
• "Tories to launch war on workshy."
• "Now Green spies will snoop in your home.", and the classic:
• "Abortion hope after 'gay genes' finding"

It employs columnists who are allowed - nay, encouraged - to write such disgustingly evil stuff as:

"[The] real sadness about [Stephen] Gately's death is that it strikes another blow to the happy-ever-after myth of civil partnerships... For once again, under the carapace of glittering, hedonistic celebrity, the ooze of a very different and more dangerous lifestyle has seeped out for all to see."
(On the day after the Boyzone singer was buried.)

Today - thanks to a new furore conjured up by the biggest peddlers of corrupting trash this side of Rupert Murdoch, this time about the genre they call "sick-lit", better known to sane people as fiction aimed at teenagers - I am strangely drawn to play this apt song for your delectation...

Dan & Dan - The Daily Mail Song

It must be true. I read it in...

Mein Kampf is still published

If there is one thing I loathe more than anything else (as a former journalist) it is a sanctimonious right-wing newspaper with a captive audience of small-minded people. And of course there cannot be another more reprehensible example of this than the Daily/Sunday Mail.



The Mail has a long history (mainly under the mad Lord Beaverbrook) of Nazi-loving self righteousness, and it is the ultimate beloved read of all those hideous bigots out there - in the church, the BNP and the far reaches of the high Tory hereditary Lords. Its writers to a person are completely clueless - and the constant anti-immigrant, anti-gay, anti-urbanite, anti-luvvie, pro-hunting, pro-home-owning upper middle class scaremongering tone of the paper loves nothing less than scoring a new scalp.

Recently George Michael and (inevitably) the BBC suffered the wrath of the Mail's vultures. Today's scalp is Lord Browne of BP, who admittedly is a deeply unpleasant character in charge of a hideous company, but has now been publicly been strung up by the fact that (shock horror!) he is GAY and happened to try and cover up his relationship with a money grubbing little shit of a boyfriend who has decided to sell his soul to this devil of a "newspaper".

Read more

It almost makes you want to agree with Ken Livingstone!