Conscious, sentient and bricking-it

NASA’s Dart probe has crashed into and killed the first emerging specimen of alien life, it has been confirmed.

The direct hit on the Dimorphos asteroid, intended to change its course to test whether dangerous objects could be redirected, has detected then eradicated the first extraterrestrial life found in the universe.

A NASA spokesperson said: “What are the odds? But yes, there is life out there. Or was.

“The Dart’s onboard camera, when viewed in close-up and slow motion, shows an alien life form poking its head out of a crater before taking a $325 million space probe right in the kisser.

“There it is, that grainy, woodlouse-looking thing staring straight down the lens. Preliminary analysis shows that it is conscious, sentient and bricking-it, which is fair enough because it’s about to die.

“If it wasn’t alone, hopefully the aliens won’t hold this unprovoked murder against us. Though it’s hard to see how they wouldn’t because from their perspective this was a guided missile launched directly at their mate.

“Let’s just on the positives: humanity is not alone in the universe. Though technically slightly more alone than previously. Sorry everyone.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[The "real" story]

"To infinity... and beyond!"

Astronaut Tim Peake has confirmed that his school’s careers advisor can stick his Boots application forms up his arse.

As he prepared to join the crew of the International Space Station, Peake confirmed that being an astronaut is an actual job despite what bitter adults tell you when you are a kid.

He said: “When I was 15 I had to do that nonsense where you go to see a careers person who has a temporary office in a stationery cupboard.

“When I said I wanted to be an astronaut they suggested I work at Boots, the local bank or perhaps become a trainee butcher.

“He also gave me a leaflet about apprenticeships in a shoe factory in Swindon. I said I wanted a leaflet about how to be an astronaut, in space.

“They replied simply ‘fannying about in space is not a job’ and suggested that if I was interested in long journeys I could work as a salesperson in a travel agency.

“The first thing I’m going to do when we get to the International Space Station is go up to a window and give my old careers advisor the space finger.”

He added: “I am an astronaut and it is the bollocks.”

The Daily Mash.

Of course.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an "Astro-nut"!

Astro-Nut

More about Mr Peake's mission