What's she going to look like..?

Sigh. Back to work.

As we're now in the month of May - the month Madam Arcati and I first got together twenty-five years ago, we're off in the TARDIS to get the gen on what was happening at the time...

In the news headlines in May 1998: footballer Justin Fashanu, being pursued by US police over an allegation of sexual assault against a seventeen-year-old male, committed suicide in London; the UK hosted the Eurovision Song Contest in Birmingham, which was won by Israel's Dana International (the contest's first trans winner); two nurses who had been convicted in Saudi Arabia for the murder of colleague Yvonne Gilford the previous year had their sentences commuted by the order of King Fahd; Kevin Lloyd ("Tosh Lines" in The Bill) was sacked over his alcoholism, and died days later; referendums on the Good Friday Agreement were held in the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland with 95% and 71% support respectively; and the world mourned the death of the iconic Frank Sinatra.

In our cinemas: Sliding Doors; Scream 2; The Big Lebowski. On telly: Dawson's Creek; Open House with Gloria Hunniford; the 200th episode of The Simpsons.

And what of the charts this week a quarter of a century ago? That dreariest of boybands Boyzone had just toppled It's Like That by Run-D.M.C. vs Jason Nevins from the top slot. Also present and correct were Kula Shaker, Catatonia, Steps, Savage Garden, the Mavericks, and - ahem - Busta Rhymes; and Slime Dion was still lurking around despite every effort to sterilise the joint. But rocketing into the Top Five was another of my most beloved choons (and quite the earworm)...

The Tamperer ft. Maya - Feel It

...and by way of an extra - here's the (very camp) original upon which Tamperer's mega-hit was based:

Heather Leigh West - Drop a House

Ah, memories...

La de da de de, la de da de da

It's another timeslip moment, and another trip back twenty-five years to 1998 - the year Madam Arcati and I first got together...

In the news headlines in March that year: The Galileo probe found a frozen ocean on Jupiter's moon Europa, Titanic swept the Oscars, the "Free Deirdre" campaign became a media obsession after Coronation Street's leading lady was wrongfully jailed in the soap, the last working tin mine in Cornwall (South Crofty) closed down, there was a massacre in Algeria during its ongoing civil war, and that most British of cars the Rolls-Royce was bought-out by Germany's BMW; Daniel Massey, Lloyd Bridges, Judge Dread and Dr Benjamin Spock all died; and Viagra was born.

In UK cinemas: Jackie Brown; Gattaca; Good Will Hunting. On telly: the debut of South Park; Airline; The Pepsi Chart Show.

And in our charts this week a quarter of a century ago? Holding off all-comers for the top slot was the behemoth that was Run DMC vs Jason Nevins It's Like That, and still hanging around like a bad smell at #2 was that Titanic dirge from Slime Dion. Also present and correct in the Top Ten were Robbie Williams, Spice Girls, Destiny's Child, Queen Madge, M People, Savage Garden, (ahem) LL Cool J, and (one of my favourite records) Here's Where The Story Ends by Tin Tin Out Ft Shelley Nelson.

But lurking just outside at #11 [surprisingly its highest chart position] was this (re-)work of genius!

The All Seeing I - Beat Goes On

I. Love. It.

How can life be what you want it to be?

Three weeks? Try three decades!

As it is my and Madam Arcati's big anniversary year this year (in May), I feel it's appropriate to dip in and out of what was going on the year we met. It will be a regular feature, methinks.

To that end, let's take a mini-timeslip moment all the way back... to 1998!

In the news headlines of February '98: There was a breakthrough in the standoff between the UN and Saddam Hussain as weapons inspectors were finally allowed into Iraq; Mohamed Al Fayed (father of Dodi) claimed that the deaths of Princess Diana and his son were a conspiracy to kill rather than an accident; the Kosovo War began, after a massacre of civilians in the village of Likoshane; the since-discredited study of purported links between the MMR (measles, mumps, and rubella) and autism was published, prompting decades of scaremongering and conspiracy theories; the Bill Clinton-Monica Lewinsky affair exposé began a tabloid "feeding-frenzy"; 4000 people were killed by an earthquake in Afghanistan; the Nagano Winter Olympics were underway; and we bade sad farewells to Rock Me Amadeus singer Falco [killed in a car crash], national treasure Dermot Morgan (Father Ted) [suddenly, aged just 45], Carl Wilson (founder member of the Beach Boys) and the controversial politician Enoch Powell.

In our cinemas: Titanic; Boogie Nights; The Ice Storm. On telly: The Cruise (the show that made Jane McDonald into a star), Robot Wars, and British soap's first transgender character Hayley Patterson arrived in Coronation Street.

What of our charts this week twenty-five years ago? Slimy Dion had just been knocked off the top slot (to the cheers of a grateful nation) by the simply faboo Cornershop and Brimful of Asha. Also present and correct in the Top Ten were Aqua, Savage Garden, Robbie Williams, Shania Twain, Another Level, All Saints, Will Smith and - erm - soap-star-turned-"singer" Will Mellor.

But, waiting in the wings just outside the Hot 100 was the one that would sweep them all aside - Our Glorious Leader!

Madonna - Frozen

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

You're so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You're broken
When your heart's not open

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

Now there's no point in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you
My heart will be broken

Love is a bird, she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside of you die
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

Twenty-five frigging years?!

How did that happen?

They're packed full of vitamins and good for you

Timeslip moment again...

We've managed to escape the Gattaca programme, and suddenly find ourselves in another world entirely - the dying embers of 1998, the year of Dana International, Tony Blair, DVDs, Matthew Shepard, war in Kosovo, Mohamed Al Fayed, the IRA bomb in Omagh that killed 29 people, Titanic, Bittersweet Symphony, Ron Davies, Robbie Williams, the MMR vaccine controversy, Bob the Builder, "Free Deirdre", BMW takeover of Rolls Royce, Perfect Day, the Swissair Flight 111 crash, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Hurricane Mitch, "Hayley Patterson" in Coronation Street, George Michael's Outside, Monica Lewinsky, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, All Saints, Cher's Believe, Michael Owen, Sliding Doors, B*Witched, Charlotte Church, Huw Edwards, Brimful of Asha, the Nagano Winter Olympics, General Pinochet, Madonna's Frozen and the suicide of Justin Fashanu; the births of Windows 98, Shawn Mendes, the Akashi Kaikyō Bridge, Paris Jackson, the European Central Bank, the two pound coin, the Human Rights Act and Google Inc.; and the year Frank Sinatra, Tammy Wynette, Roddy McDowall, Alice Faye, Patricia Hayes, Lloyd Bridges, Dermot Morgan (Father Ted), Jerome Robbins, Sonny Bono, Frank Muir, Daniel Massey, Jack Lord, Francis Durbridge, Enoch Powell, Catherine Cookson, Falco, Joan Hickson, Lew Grade, Shari Lewis, Linda McCartney, Maureen O'Sullivan, Florence Griffith Joyner, Cozy Powell, Britain's last tin mine South Crofty, Hammond Innes and Kevin Lloyd (aka "Tosh Lines" in The Bill) all died.

In the news headlines in December '98? John Hume and David Trimble were jointly awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for their part in securing the Good Friday Agreement, President Bill Clinton ordered airstrikes on Iraq (while at the same time, impeachment proceedings against him were launched), the controversial Hugo Chávez was elected President of Venezuela, Space Shuttle Endeavour docked with the International Space Station, Khmer Rouge leaders issued an apology for the genocide in Cambodia in the 1970s, and three kidnapped British tourists were killed in Yemen during a gun battle to free them; and after Xmas came The Great Boxing Day Storm, which brought parts of the UK to a standstill. In our cinemas: Babe: Pig in the City; Dancing at Lughnasa; The Prince of Egypt. On telly: Carol Vorderman performing as Cher on Celebrity Stars In Their Eyes, Dinnerladies, Cold Feet, and the last ever episode of World in Action after 35 years.

And in our charts this week twenty-two years ago? The Spice Girls' so-called "song for Geri" Goodbye was the Xmas Number 1, and jostling for space in the rest of the Top 10 were Big Breakfast presenters Denise Van Outen and Johnny Vaughan covering Kylie and Jason, Cher, B*witched, Steps, Honeyz, Bryan Adams and Mel C, Billie Piper and - gulp! - Jayne McDonald. But soon to knock the Spicy Ones off their exalted #1 perch (after only one week!) for the New Year was a far more entertaining number, as featured in that year's cartoon sensation South Park...

Chef - Chocolate Salty Balls

I hope you're all singing along...

Like a queen in all her glory

As Madam Arcati and I happen to be celebrating(!) our 22nd anniversary in the month of May [we don't have a set date; just sometime this month], let's have another timeslip moment, dear reader - back to that long-distant world of...

...1998! The year of Tony Blair, commemorations of the death of Princess Diana the previous autumn, Geri Halliwell leaving the Spice Girls, the Kosovo War, the Second Congo War, the Good Friday Agreement in Northern Ireland, the dreadful Omagh bombing by dissidents opposed to that agreement, B*Witched, Charlotte Church, Titanic, the Human Rights Act, Hugo Chávez, Bittersweet Symphony, Welsh Secretary Ron Davies' notorious "error of judgment" with a man on Clapham Common and subsequent resignation, Robbie Williams, the "Free Deirdre" tabloid campaign, the singer from Chumbawamba throwing a bucket of ice over Deputy PM John Prescott, the BBC's Perfect Day, the President Clinton-Monica Lewinsky affair, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, All Saints, abolition of hereditary peers' right to sit in the House of Lords, Cher Believe, The Wedding Singer, the murder of Matthew Shepard, the devastating Yangtze river floods, Brimful of Asha, Blue Peter presenter Richard Bacon sacked for taking cocaine, the arrest of General Augusto Pinochet, Madonna's Frozen and Hurricane Mitch; the births of Shawn Mendes, the Akashi Kaikyō Bridge, the European Central Bank, the two pound coin and Google; and the year Roddy McDowall, Alice Faye, Patricia Hayes, Dermot Morgan (Father Ted), Jerome Robbins, Sonny Bono, Frank Muir, Enoch Powell, Catherine Cookson, Falco, Joan Hickson, Lew Grade, Shari Lewis, "Tiffany Mitchell" in Eastenders, Tammy Wynette, Linda McCartney, Maureen O'Sullivan, Florence Griffith Joyner and World in Action all died.

In the headlines in May twenty-two years ago this month? The death of crooner Frank Sinatra, two British nurses convicted in Saudi Arabia for the murder of Yvonne Gilford were pardoned, India and Pakistan tested nuclear missiles in an escalation of hostilities, gay footballer Justin Fashanu committed suicide after being arrested in the USA over an allegation of sexual misconduct with a 17-year-old, and Kevin Lloyd ("Tosh Lines" in The Bill) was found dead a week after having been sacked for alcoholism. In our cinemas: Sliding Doors, Deep Impact and The Big Lebowski. On telly: Open House with Gloria Hunniford, Don't Try This at Home and Invasion: Earth.

And what of our charts this week in May '98? Aqua was at #1 with Turn Back Time, and All Saints, Tamperer ft Maya, Wyclef Jean, Cleopatra, the Corrs, Simply Red, Queen Madge, Steps and the Mavericks were all present and correct.

But it is to the other (and most) important musical "happening" of May 1998 we turn for the "song of the moment". Hosted in Birmingham [after the UK triumph courtesy of Katrina & the Waves the previous year; the UK's last win], and against strong competition from our own Imaani, Malta's Chiara and the Netherlands' Edsilia (as well as bigotry from Orthodox Jews in her own country), it was the crowning moment for...

...the Eurovision Song contest's first trans competitor, Dana International!

Dana International - Diva (Israel)

She is all you’ll ever dream to find
On her stage she sings her story
Pain and hurt will steal her hearts alight
Like a queen in all her glory

And when she cries, Diva is an angel
When she laughs, she’s a devil
She is all beauty and love

Viva nari’a, viva Victoria, Aphrodita
Viva la Diva, viva Victoria, Cleopatra

Indeed.

Roll on tonight's (replacement for the cancelled contest) Eurovision merriment!

And there's no turning back

Timeslip moment again...

We've been jettisoned by the Jupiter II two whole decades in the past, smack bang into the world of 1998: the year of Monica Lewinsky, Titanic sweeping the board at the Oscars, the Good Friday Agreement, Dana International, the Kosovo War, Mohamed Al Fayed, the Winter Olympics in Nagano, the "Free Deirdre Rachid" storyline in Coronation Street, civil wars in Congo and Guinea-Bissau, and the Omagh bombing; the year that popstrel Shawn Mendes, the Eurozone, Google Inc. and the two-pound coin were born; and Frank Sinatra, Tammy Wynette, Frank Muir, Shari Lewis, Linda McCartney, gay footballer Justin Fashanu (suicide), Sonny Bono, Roddy McDowall, Sir Lew Grade, Dermot Morgan (Father Ted) and Alice Faye all died.

In the news in October 1998?: the horrific homophobic murder of Matthew Shepard, the arrest of Chilean dictator General Augusto Pinochet in London, the second-deadliest Atlantic hurricane on record Hurricane Mitch (which killed 11,000 people in Central America), the resignation of Secretary of State for Wales Ron Davies (having been "caught out" cruising on Clapham Common, where he claimed to have been mugged), and the launch of the crime agency Europol; and we waved a sad goodbye to the archetypal TV Miss Marple Joan Hickson. In our cinemas: Saving Private Ryan; There's Something About Mary; Mulan. On telly: Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, Delia's How to Cook, The Royle Family and David Attenborough's Life of Birds.

And in our charts this week twenty years ago? The Top 5 was entirely made up of new entries [something that didn't happen regularly way back when charts were actually measured by sales rather than the number of plays on YouTube], including George Michael's Outside, and numbers by U2, Culture Club and Alanis Morissette. Also present and correct in the upper echelons were last week's chart-topper Stardust (Gym'n'Tonic), Aerosmith, Kele le Roc, 911, Billie Piper and Beautiful South. However, crashing straight to #1 (where she - quite rightly - stayed for eight weeks in total!) was our Patron Saint of Bob-Mackie-Fabulousness - Cher [with the song that made her a superstar all over again]!!!

Cher - Believe

No matter how hard I try
You keep pushing me aside
And I can't break through
There's no talking to you

It's so sad that you're leaving
It takes time to believe it
But after all is said and done
You're gonna be the lonely one

Do you believe in life after love?
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough

What am I supposed to do?
Sit around and wait for you?
Well I can't do that
And there's no turning back

I need time to move on
I need love to feel strong
Cause I've got time to think it through
And maybe I'm too good for you

Do you believe in life after love?
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough

Well I know that I'll get through this
'Cause I know that I am strong
I don't need you anymore
I don't need you anymore
I don't need you anymore
No I don't need you anymore

Do you believe in life after love?
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough

Do you believe in life after love?
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough