Arise...

l-r: Dame Helen Mirren CH, Cerys Matthews OBE, Dame Julia Donaldson, Anneka Rice MBE

...Sir Kevin Sinfield [rugby league star who fundraised millions for Motor Neurone Disease awareness in honour of his fellow player Rob Burrows who eventually died of the condition], Sir Peter Lord and Sir David Sproxton [founders of Aardman Animations studio, that gave the world Wallace & Gromit and Chicken Run], Dame Malorie Blackman [former Children's Laureate] and Dame Julia Donaldson [children's author who created The Gruffalo]. The divine Dame Helen Mirren and photojournalist Sir Don McCullin are made Companions of Honour, of which there are only 65 at any one time.

Among thousands of other names from the worlds of sport, entertainment, fundraising, politics and public service, also honoured are:

• Commander of the Order of the British Empire (CBE): beauty products entrepreneur Charlotte Tilbury;
• Officers of the Order of the British Empire (OBE): Catatonia singer Cerys Matthews, film director and actor Dexter Fletcher, film score composer Patrick Doyle;
• Members of the Order of the British Empire (MBE): broadcaster and TV personality Anneka Rice, DJ Judge Jules, soprano Louise Alder, founder-member of Black Sabbath Tony Iommi, multiple Chelsea Flower Show gold medal-winning garden designer Sarah Eberle, fashion designer of Princess Diana's wedding dress David Emanuel, sport radio presenter Garry Richardson, Emmerdale actress and TV personality Lisa Riley, Judge Dread comic character co-creator John Wagner.

Congratulations, one and all!

HM The King's Birthday Honours 2026

Of course, owned by a real king

I told him my ballroom is a mile high just to see his face, says King

The King has admitted claiming to own a domed ballroom a mile high in conversation with Donald Trump to see his crestfallen reaction.

The president had taken the Royal party to see a hole which he was boasting would soon be an even greater ballroom than Hitler’s, when Charles replied ‘Of course, we have terrible issues rerouting planes around ours.’

The monarch continued: “You’d think the view would be wonderful a mile above London, but the diamond capstone on the top is actually in the stratosphere so it’s all clouds.

“Holds 1.7 million people, though it’s not been filled since George V’s inaugural ball because I’m afraid there aren’t enough aristocrats left. Nowadays we use its solid gold art deco interior for family get-togethers and charity events.

“It really is a magnificent edifice and, of course, owned by a real king. But yours sounds like it will be nice too. How large? 90,000 square feet? Ah, so the same size as the palace kennels.”

He added: “You should have seen his mean, crumpled face. He started bragging about 80s golfers’ dick sizes to recover, but of course Camilla has hands-on expertise there.”

Trump said: “I’ve checked on the internet and it’s all true. I fired the aide who told me it was AI.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Of postmodernism, Marie, fish fingers, sperm, a royal cow, Bolan and blasphemy

RIP Sir Terry Farrell, architect of two of my fave postmodern buildings on the Thames - the MI6 Building and Charing Cross Station (Embankment House)

More snippets today, dear reader:

• Unbridled luxury news: Hot on the (bejewelled) heels of - and overlapping with - the breathtaking Cartier exhibition we went to see in August, the newest showcase at the magnificent Victoria & Albert Museum (V&A) is Marie Antoinette Style, an exploration of the life and luxurious lifestyle of one of the most notorious (and certainly most famous, even if only for her fate) Queens that France ever had. We're making plans for our visit as we speak...
• Favourite food of children everywhere news: Happy 70th birthday to the humble BirdsEye [other brands are available] Fish Finger! I doubt there's a freezer anywhere up and down the country that doesn't have a box of these in it...
• Frankenstein science news: Scientists in the USA have made embryos from human skin DNA and sperm. If that's all it took, I'm surprised my face didn't get pregnant - many times - when I was younger😋!
• Never appear with children or animals news: King Charles III looked on as a prize cow trampled his hedges and peed on the path at a reception at Clarence House.

• Glam icon "returns from the dead" news: On what would have been his 78th birthday, not only has a blue plaque been unveiled at Marc Bolan's former home in Maida Vale in London, but also a new, previously unheard T.Rex track from fifty years ago has been released! - hear I'm Dazed on YouTube.
• And finally: Happy Blasphemy Day! I'll leave the last word on that to the magnificently erudite and much-missed Mr Christopher Hitchens, one of my idols:

  “I am not even an atheist so much as an antitheist; I not only maintain that all religions are versions of the same untruth, but I hold that the influence of churches and the effect of religious belief is positively harmful. Reviewing the false claims of religion I do not wish, as some sentimental materialists affect to wish, that they were true. I do not envy believers their faith. I am relieved to think that the whole story is a sinister fairy tale; life would be miserable if what the faithful affirmed was actually true... There may be people who wish to live their lives under cradle-to-grave divine supervision, a permanent surveillance and monitoring. But I cannot imagine anything more horrible or grotesque.”

And the weather? Warm and sunny for a change! Love it.

Arise...

...Sir David "Goldenballs" Beckham!

I've "arisen".

The King's Birthday Honours List 2025.

Of royalty, blooms, beaches, bees and bog roll

Another snippets post today, dear reader...

• Floral news: The RHS Chelsea Flower Show opened its doors to the hoi-polloy today - after HM The King and Queen Camilla, the media and assorted celebs including Dame Mary Berry, Cate Blanchett, David Beckham, Vanessa Feltz, Richard E Grant, Amanda Holden, Felicity Kendal and Dame Joanna Lumley had the place to themselves yesterday.
• Not the kind of beach holiday he expected news: A British tourist had to be rescued after digging a hole in the sand at Copacabana Beach and hitting quicksand, but was helped through it by a can of cold beer. Not the first time men have been sucked on a beach in Rio de Janeiro, I imagine.
• Romance is not dead news: A new wedding gift registry service has been launched by Tesco that includes toilet tissue, toothpaste, refuse sacks, kitchen towel, antibacterial hand wash and shower products. Now, that would look lovely in the photos...
• And finally - Catch that buzz: It's (coincidentally) World Bee Day today! And we know a song about that, don't we?

Arthur Askey - Bee Song (1937)

Hope you're humming along, dear reader!

And the weather? Up and down again like a whore's drawers.

Arise...

...Companion of Honour Dame Shirley Bassey, Dame Jilly Cooper (for services to the "bonk-buster" novel?), [founder of Glastonbury Festival] Sir Michael Eavis, [founder of that other great British institution Wetherspoons] Sir Tim Martin.

Also honoured: Dame Judith Weir [Master of the King's Music], author Sir Alexander McCall Smith, former Home Secretary Sir Sajid Javid, Knight Grand Cross Sir Ridley Scott and Dame Grand Cross Dame Margaret Beckett.

Among those awarded Commander of the British Empire (CBE): lyricist Don Black, TV chef Paul Hollywood, former rugby players turned fundraisers Rob Burrow and Kevin Sinfield, former England footballer Peter Shilton, TV historian Professor Ronald Hutton and author Kate Mosse; Officers of the Order of the British Empire (OBE) include legendary DJ Tony Blackburn, singer Leona Lewis, business guru Mary Portas, soprano Carolyn Sampson and England football team captain Millie Bright; Members of the Order of the British Empire (MBE) include DJ Steve Wright, actress Emilia Clarke, broadcaster James Whale and England footballers Lauren Hemp and Mary Earps.

Congratulations, one and all!

New Year Honours list 2024 in full

Just don't stutter, OK?

Its His Majesty the King's first - and the UK's first with a King on the throne since 1950 - State Opening of Parliament today, aka "The King's Speech".

A spurious enough reason to feature this long-forgotten 80s gem, methinks?

Thompson Twins - King For A Day

Enjoy...

Arise...

...Celia Imrie, Commander of the Order of the British Empire (CBE), and Dame Anna Wintour, Companion of Honour!

Also honoured [among many others - 1,171 in total] - Companion of Honour Sir Ian McEwan (prize-winning author and screenwriter, Atonement, Amsterdam, The Good Son); Knight Commander of the Order of St Michael and St George Sir Terry Waite (former Archbishop's special envoy in Lebanon, held captive by terrorists for five years); Knights Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire (KBE): Sir Stephen Frears (film director, My Beautiful Laundrette, The Queen, Dangerous Liaisons, Prick Up Your Ears, Mrs Henderson Presents, Florence Foster Jenkins), Sir Ben Bradshaw MP (the second British MP who was openly gay at the time of first election), and Martin Amis (prize-winning novelist, Money, London Fields and The Information) was postumously knighted; Commanders of the Order of the British Empire (CBE): actor Kenneth Cranham, violinist Tamsin Little, fashion photographer and music video-maker Nick Knight; Officers of the Order of the British Empire (OBE): former footballer Ian Wright, Caron Wheeler of Soul II Soul; Members of the Order of the British Empire (MBE): broadcaster Ken Bruce, actress Vicky McClure, presenter Davina McCall, TV newsreader and broadcaster Sally Magnusson.

Congratulations, all!

Let's leave the last word to Miss Imrie, shall we..?

Celia Imrie - Have You Met Miss Babs? (Acorn Antiques The Musical)

HM The KIng's Birthday Honours List 2023

Vivat Rex Carolus!

His Majesty King Charles III is crowned.

Long live the King!

In the shops, on the telly, on our very crisps

The UK is standing petrified, transfixed by an onrushing tidal wave of Coronation bullshit which will soon drown us all.

The entire country is staring aghast at a mounting influx of bollocks about an event which will affect none of our lives in any material way but will be all any of us are allowed to discuss or think about for weeks to come.

Donna Sheridan of Lancaster said: “It’s already begun. In the shops, on the telly, on our very crisps. So far it’s only ankle-deep. But the deluge is coming.

“Soon our homes will be awash with Coronation shite. EastEnders will have a special episode. This Morning will discuss little else. You’ll be sipping Coronation tea out of a Coronation mug with Coronation biscuits on the side.

“Your workplace will be alive with it. Schools will be obsessed. Bunting will appear. The street party, or the failure to organise a street party, will be the subject of outraged battles on every neighbourhood Facebook group.

“We will be castigated for not exactly replicating the joy and excitement of a 1953 event which septuagenarians dimly remember from when they were children. We will be compelled to feign joy at a man who is already King being named King.

“Each and every one of us will soon be submerged in forced patriotism. It’s coming. It is too late to hide.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

The courtesan struck gold

Considering sleeping with a married man whose wife doesn’t understand him? Girlfriends warning you it won’t work out? Look who’s Queen now, bitches.

On the surface, it was a classic case. He’s all like ‘My marriage is a sham’ and ‘We haven’t been intimate in years’ and ‘We’re only together for the children and the future of the hereditary monarchy’.

I read about them in the women’s magazines – Tatler, The Nanny and Debrett’s. He might claim they’re sleeping in separate Georgian mansions and then suddenly she’s pregnant with an heir.

But what can I say? I looked into those blue eyes and I trusted him. I believed that this man, this future King, didn’t just want to be in and out of me all day like a tampon but for us to be together.

From that day I vowed to destabilise his marriage, whether by tapping the phones at Kensington Palace or tipping off the press about her stalking that art dealer. Even better, we did it together.

It wasn’t easy when she started flinging shit in public, and the kids have never warmed to me, but my whispers of ‘That younger one’s a right diva, just like her’ paid off and he’s practically disinherited now.

We married, we cycled through a number of titles that his domineering mother and the resentful public were willing to accept, and next month he’s crowned at Westminster Abbey and I’ll be there as Queen. Not Queen Consort. Not King’s Concubine. Queen.

So ladies, if you’ve identified a married man of sufficient status naive enough to be pussystruck, ignore the warnings and have that affair. It worked for me.

The Daily Mash

Of course.