Myra Hindley, S&M, a sex-shop brawl, a missing child and the Bisset Surprise

"I think about a world to come
Where the books were found by the Golden Ones"

It was the first outing in 2016 for "London's peerless gay literary salon" Polari on Friday, and I, Paul, little Tony, Wayne, Emma, Toby, Roland, Bryanne, Simon and the rest of the (impressively big for a pay-day Friday in January) audience were champing at the bit... As usual, our host Paul Burston was equally energised but, after a suitably muted tribute to (the mentor of all of us) David Bowie, it was time to introduce our readers for the evening.

Mr Stevie Henden read us a mere snippet from his new novel - Anna Himmel and the Gold Sovereign - (apparently based on a true story) Andy Blenkinsopp's Tale. A young gay man in 1960s Manchester goes cruising. A car pulls up, and a blonde woman with a man in the passenger seat offers him a threesome, which he almost accepts - were it not for an apparition wearing said gold sovereign, which warns him off. It didn't really take "Miss Marple" to work out the fact that the couple were the notorious Moors Murderers, and when the penny drops for Andy, he realises he has had a very lucky escape indeed. Although somewhat predictable, it did tease us with what all this has to do with the greater meaning of the apparition with the medallion...


[Photo: Tony Wood]

Next up, an author who is becoming a bit of a regular at Polari, Anya Nyx (or is it Tanith today?; we're never sure). Her story was another sinister one (from the short story anthology L is For...) - Frankie and other F-words: all about a lesbian S&M threesome that goes disastrously wrong, with blood, death and a flight from the authorities. I somehow doubt they will ask Cliff Richard to read the audio book.


[Photo: Tony Wood]

I was up to Mr Timothy Graves, therefore, to turn up the jollity factor, as he grabbed his friend and fellow thesp Penelope Maynard to join him for an extract from his new work Pharmakeia - here involving a three-way argument in a sex shop between the leading protagonist Mahvand, a prostitute and the tranny proprietor of the store. Of course:

[UPDATE 2024: the video that was on Mr Graves' blog here has been removed from the interwebs. No idea why.]

Wonderfully manic - and particularly appreciated by their acting tutor and mentor [who we were intrigued and overjoyed to spot in the audience; we spoke later], Hi-De-Hi's "Sylvia" - Miss Nicki Kelly herself!

With that level of excitement, we needed a break for a fag and a trip to the bar to recover.


[Photo: Tony Wood]

Part two brought on the "big guns". Ms Alex Marwood is always a joy, and her reading - from her latest blockbuster The Darkest Secret - definitely did not disappoint. It's a marvellously intriguing tale - full of horrid, selfish bastards, and the enduring mystery of what exactly did happen to the three-year-old girl who disappeared from her bedroom while the pampered adults in her wealthy father's coterie were preoccupied enjoying themselves in splendour? [Shades of the Madeleine McCann case, methinks.]

None other than best-selling Scottish crime writer Val McDermid described it thus: "A genuinely shocking thriller where nothing is what it seems. So good I wish I'd written it myself." The story's blurb doesn't begin to do it justice:

When identical twin Coco goes missing during a family celebration, a media frenzy breaks out. Her parents are rich and influential, as are the friends they were with at their holiday home by the sea, and the guests’ talent for publicity pushes the case into the public eye.

But what really happened to Coco? Over two intense weekends - the first when Coco goes missing and the second, twelve years later, at the funeral of her father - the darkest of secrets will gradually be revealed...

We loved it.



Finally, it was time for another gem of a writer and our "headliner", the novelist and literary critic Adam Mars-Jones. He read some rather fab passages from his latest book Kid Gloves, a memoir about his years of clashing wits with his homophobic father, a renowned High Court judge. From the Guardian review:

His lawyerly refutations of Adam’s sexual orientation include The Princely Parallel (“he assured me ... that the older woman procedure had done the trick for Prince Charles”) and The Bisset Surprise, according to which Adam cannot be gay because Dad alleges that he once played with himself during a Jacqueline Bisset film.

It takes a finely honed sense of the comic value of the everyday to survive these wounds. Mars-Jones concedes with magnificent understatement that “the dynamics between homophobic judge and publicly gay writer son, tolerating each other at least to the extent of sharing a roof, are probably not standard”. When 'The Penguin Book of Homosexual Verse' is published in 1983, Sir William asks pointedly if Adam has edited it. Mars-Jones sniffs: “If I did decide to use a pseudonym, I would try to do better than the name on the book’s cover, Stephen Coote.”

This was a marvellously erudite way to end a brilliant evening.



Our next outing for Polari will be its LGBT History Month special on 16th February, featuring our fave Jonathan Harvey at the top of the bill with his new novel The Secrets We Keep, none other than "Ida Barr" herself Chris Green, who has written a new book Overpowered! about the history of hypnosis; plus historian Jennifer Ingleheart, novelist Sarah Walton and poet David Clarke.

Should be fantabulosa, and provide the perfect opportunity to show off my glowing tan from our week in Spain!

Polari. We love it.

Berlin blackmail, corpses, temps, obsessive painters, a mysterious boy and the lesbian Bermuda Triangle

[Photo Justin David]

It was a somewhat depleted "gang" at this month's Polari - no Paul, John-John, Jim, Emma or Toby. Just me, Wayne, Little Tony, Simon, Bryanne, Val, Paulo, Jane, Anni and a crowd of the great and the good of the glitterati that included the legendary Bette Bourne in attendance, as our host Paul Burston proudly welcomed us to the seventh anniversary edition of "London's peerless gay literary salon" (can it really be that long? Scary).



Opening the show was Mr Ben Fergusson, writer and impresario at the Hayward Gallery on the Southbank Centre, who read for us an extract from his sinister and atmospheric first novel The Spring of Kasper Meier - a tale of blackmail, black markets and black deeds in the seedy underbelly of a post-War Berlin that had been reduced to rubble and a morass of half-lit corners, where one might stumble across a secretive bar, a suspicious character, or both. The piece he read introduced us to the story's anti-hero Kasper and his confidant bar-owner Frau Muller, and hinted at several of the sinister twists and turns that had - or were about to - unfold. A very promising start, we thought. Read an extract of the book here.

Here is Mr Fergusson talking about the book - which was also featured on BBC Radio 2's "Book Club" recently - on Celebrity Radio:

Ben Fergusson - The Spring of Kasper Meier

[Photo Justin David]

The ever-ebullient Alex Marwood (pen-name of Serena Mackesy, whose book The Temp was a "chick-lit" bestseller) was next to the stage, to lighten the mood somewhat. As a former journalist and columnist for The Independent, she has a knack for observation whether writing about shoes, office life or grisly necrophiliac murderers(!). And so it was that she was able to dip into her pre-Marwood world to talk about life as The Temp, and top it off with a chilling piece from her latest as Alex Marwood - Crime Writer, the semi-fictional account of a serial killer of the Dennis Nielsen type, whose neighbours in the shared house in which he lived never knew he was keeping corpses of people he murdered as companions...

Here's the lady herself, talking about the latter story The Killer Next Door:

Alex Marwood - The Killer Next Door

But it was her hilarious anecdotes of how people behave towards authors at book fairs ("What do you mean, you're not Adrian McKinty?!!") and her list of office "stereotypes" in the style of fantasy characters - The Gollum, the Barbie, the Handsome Prince, the Scarecrow, Tin Man and Lion, and so on - that had us in stitches most of all.



Niven Govinden is no stranger to Polari, and is now on his fourth novel - which is short-listed for The Green Carnation Prize 2014. It was from his newest work All The Days And Nights - a tale of manipulation in a relationship between a dying artist and her husband John, as he sets off on a pilgrimage searching out his past in the portraits she painted of him now hanging in museums, galleries and private homes across America - that he read for us a passage. It is an intriguing construct, with even John's observations on his journey narrated second-hand by his wife back home, and an exhausting one as we tried to concentrate hard enough to keep up with who was supposed to be where, and doing what, during the narrative. Beautifully done of course, if a little difficult to follow.



Quite the opposite was the case with our third reader, Sarah Westwood, who opened the second half after the fag-n-booze top-up break. Sarah famously (notoriously) writes for Diva magazine a column titled "The Rubbish Lesbian", and her short stories are always a joy to listen to. Including this one - Lesbian sex. It's a bit like the Bermuda Triangle:

I mentioned my habit of 'fat-fingering' to a straight friend this week. She went very quiet, and then said, "Is that a lesbian thing?" What? No, it's an inability to use an iPhone thing. It made me laugh, but it also made me realise that lesbian sex is still the big question mark that remains unanswered for a lot of people. In the words of 80's songstress Toyah, "it's a mystery."

I've been asked "But how DO you have sex?" on many occasions. It seems odd, but for whatever reason many people just can't get their heads around lesbian sex. Maybe I'm just particularly flexible, but I've never found it that much of a strain.

Even before I became a lesbian, if I closed my eyes I could picture it with ease, and did, on many occasions. The image wasn't sketchy, and it didn't fade-to-black like a 1940's film when it got to the good bit. But for many people lesbian sex remains as baffling as the Bermuda Triangle - actually make that two Bermuda triangles rubbing together.

In the past when I've talked about "having sex" to some of my straight girlfriends I've noticed that their faces fail to compute. They have the look of someone reading the assembly instructions for an IKEA bedside table. It's as if they are sitting cross-legged on the floor with all the bits laid out in front of them, but they just can't picture how we'll come together.

I think it's the lack of penis that throws people; their minds are desperately grappling with the logistics of how sex is possible without one. It's hard to know what goes where; like a game of naked Twister, there are body parts swinging around, and skin slapping against skin, but they can't see the wood for the trees. Perhaps because there is no wood, or trees - only bushes?

What is it about two women having sex that's so hard to imagine? It's not as if we're aliens from planet Zorb with paint bushes for genitals. We've got all the same bits as straight women, and like them sex comes down to personal preference. There's no "one size fits all" answer.

We might have put people on the moon, but for some reason lesbian sex is one giant mental leap too far. Oh well, as long as it remains the final frontier I'll just have to keep on boldly going where no man has gone before.

[Photo Justin David]



And finally, that maestro of the English language, Neil Bartlett. We love him. An accomplished and respected writer, playwright and gay cultural historian - and OBE, no less - he exudes a magical way with words, not least in the piece he read from his newest work The Disappearance Boy, a heart-stopping passage about the panic-stricken rescue from the path of a train of a strange, mute, emotionless boy. We were gripped!

However, it was his reading of his poetic monologue from those dreadful days of loss in the AIDS era of the 1980s that had us all emotionally drained. Here he is, reading That's What Friends Are For:

Neil Bartlett - That's What Friends Are For

I cried. I was not alone.


[Photo Justin David]

With the rush of adrenalin and emotion out of our systems, that, bar the schmoozing, was that for another month... An absolutely wonderful evening, as always.

Our next outing will be "A Very Polari Xmas" on 12th December, featuring Susie Boyt, Rosie Wilby, Yrsa Daley-Ward, VG Lee, and headliner Jonathan Harvey reading from his new novel, The Girl Who Just Appeared.

Roll on December, I say!

Polari website

Dubious drag, superpoofs, mystery, murder, Music Hall and mayhem

We went to another wonderful Polari on Monday evening in the glittering Royal Festival Hall - and we regulars (John-John, little Tony, Ange, Paul and I) were joined by a "virgin" to the event, Craig, who thoroughly enjoyed it.



Her Majesty Paul Burston - fresh from celebrating her Diamond Jubilee last weekend - opened the show draped in ermine and Union Jacks (appropriately enough), but without dear Philip she looked a bit lonely (hee hee!).


Alex Hopkins, Paul Burston and moi. Photo by Krys FitzGerald-Morris

The fantabulosa Alex Hopkins, Polari regular, journalist, writer, dilettante and all-round sweetheart opened the show - teetering onto the stage in six-inch heels in a remarkably good impression of Tori Spelling. His dark, confessional tale of cow-pats, bullying, suicide attempts, coming-out, and pursuit of sleazy sexual encounters was engrossing, and certainly set the scene for the rest of the evening. Progressing into more familiar territory, we entered the nightlife of Soho in the company of Mr Hopkins and his large and strident lady friend, as they encounter such delightful characters as “Prudence Chastity Chambers – Drag Queen of Dubious Distinction”. He had us laughing and gaping in awe as the adventures unfolded. Excellent stuff, and as always left me wanting to read more...



The rather sexy Kristian Johns was up next. Apparently one of the "most influential gay people on Twitter" (whatever that means) Mr Johns was a contributor to last year's short story anthology Men and Women, edited by Mr Burston. So well-received was his excellent story - an allegory of the powerlessness of an HIV diagnosis offset by the young protagonist's discovery of superhuman abilities - Dying, and other super-powers that it is now being made into a film!



Well done that man... Here he is reading from his tale, at the launch of Men and Women:

Kristian Johns - Dying and other Super-powers

Completing the first half of the evening's entertainment, and in complete contrast, Mr David Waller had a true tale about a Music Hall entertainer and strongman - a long-forgotten Victorian/Edwardian "Muscle Mary" indeed - by the name of Eugen Sandow. His is a fascinating (and brilliantly researched by Mr Waller) story of success and scandal, and quite possibly one worthy of its own blog entry one day hence...



After the break, a rare overseas visitor Mr Colin Kelley - all the way from Atlanta, Georgia - read for us a passage from his new novel Remain in Light - a tangled web of relationships that unfolds in unexpected ways in Paris at the time of Princess Diana's death. Intriguing and mysterious...



Our most anticipated speaker, Mr Neil Bartlett was next. In typically dramatic manner (his theatrical back-catalogue is indeed impressive) he stunned the audience into (almost) silence with his readings from his new work Queer Voices. Harking back to the endless fundraisers and awareness-raising events he was involved in (as were we all - "Ask someone with white hair. They were there.") during the AIDS panic 80s, his monologues - heavy on sarcasm and quiet, subtle, seething anger - were not so much effective weapons as downright gut-wrenching in their impact. I was mightily impressed (and choked) at the same time...



And so it fell to headliner Alex Marwood to cheer us up. In the circumstances, the story she had to tell (from her new novel The Wicked Girls, about two young girls from very different backgrounds who committed a random murder, then through happenstance end up meeting again as adults) was not exactly a jolly bundle of laughs. What it was, however, was brilliantly written and absolutely engrossing, and we loved it!



Once again, a remarkable and fascinating array of readings and styles of writing were gathered together to make a fine evening's entertainment, and once again it left us emotionally drained and hankering for another helping.

Roll on next month - where we will be treated to the announcement of the Polari First Book Prize 2012 "long-list" and readings from Mark McCormack, Alex Drummond, Vicky Ryder, Michael Wynne and Stuart Wakefield. I shiver in antici.....pation!

Polari at the Southbank