Sign me up!

Standing to attention as we speak, sweetie.

Gardeners’ World role-play

Just because your body is failing it doesn’t mean you aren’t still a highly sexual being. But you might find these erotic aids necessary.

Gardening kneeler
Ready to perform oral sex on your partner but worried about the havoc the floorboards will play with your creaking knees? Nip to the shed first and bring the foam kneeler back to the bedroom. You could even indulge in some kinky Gardeners’ World role-play while you’re at it.

Sugar-free lube
In your youth, you’d think nothing of going down on a partner mid-intercourse, and perhaps inadvertently ingesting some lubricant. However, now that your friend Martin has been diagnosed as pre-diabetic, you’re increasingly worried about your sugar intake. You don’t have it in your tea so you’re certainly not having it during sex.

Industrial strength underwired lingerie
It’s nice to dress up for your partner but now that middle-aged spread has really kicked in you can’t be doing with skimpy, lacy underwear. You need something that can hold those breasts in shape even when you’re hanging backwards off the bed. Marks & Spencer is your friend.

Shower handrail
Shower sex is dangerous at the best of times, but when you’re gruesomely unfit it’s lethal. Having something to grasp hold of will enable you to at least try to bang away safely, and it’s a good investment for when you’re genuinely geriatric and every shower is dicing with death.

Shoehorn
You love wearing those sexy stilettos but they’re an arse to get on nowadays as you can’t bend like you used to. A shoehorn will enable you to slip them on with ease, and can also double as a paddle if your partner fancies some light spanking.

Massive vibrator
Yeah, it’s fun while you’re having sex, but a huge vibrating dildo really comes into its own for the middle-aged after the shagging has happened when you use it to massage your aching muscles. In fact, most of the time you forego the sex bit altogether, as there’s no pleasure greater than having your partner get those knots out of your lower back.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Here's an appropriate number...

Marlene Dietrich & Rosemary Clooney - Too Old To Cut The Mustard

Anatomy lesson

An unlikely sequel

Got the vibe?

Remember that #adecaadeago meme-thingy we were chuntering on about back last year? I seem to have just resurrected it...

This time ten years hence, we had this "word from our sponsors" which I think is well worth repeating:

Patsy Kelly - Vibrato

I have no doubt Miss Patsy Kelly knew exactly what she was doing with this one!

Fit Bits?

We know the difference between wanking and running, fitness trackers confirm
A manufacturer of leading fitness trackers has confirmed the product does not confuse going for a run and having one off the wrist.

FitBit has released a statement informing users that the arm movements are distinctly different so no, you cannot toss off and get your steps in.

A spokesperson said: “The motions are similar, yes. And movement of the hand or wrist in a repetitive motion, linear or circular, will score you a few. But we know.

“You’re not only cheating yourself, you’re giving us a perfect 3D model of your wanking habits and an annual frequency graph. We’ve got all the data, it’s not pretty.

“Everyone does it but, Graham of Bournemouth, eight times in a day is too many.

“And we’ve just been bought by Google. Prepare for your targeted ads to get really uncomfortably specific.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

A word from our sponsor...

'Nuff said.

A word from our sponsor

Your physician recommends it.

Thought for the Day

Today is apparently National Baking Week.

Hope your dough rises!

More bang for your buck

I honestly thought I had travelled through some kind of wormhole to April Fools Day when I read the following in the Independent today:

Poundland has launched its own £1 sex toy range.

The range, called Nooky, follows the success of the discount retailer’s £1 Bullet vibrator which became a best-seller in 2016.

The Nooky line of products will include a “Finger Fun Stimulator, Vibrating Love Ring, Joy Ring, Sexual Vitality Supplements For Her, Supplement For Men and Pure Lube.”

Talk about "cheap thrills"! [And as some wag commented: "How will Pound-Stretcher possibly respond to this?"]

Speaking of Cheap Thrills, while searching the interwebs for some appropriate music to accompany this - ahem - stimulating news, all I could find was some badly-sung rubbish by the enigmatic-yet-ultimately-talentless SIA and that itinerant mumbler Sean Paul.

But, undeterred, my meanderings uncovered (as is my wont) a far more interesting version of said song - sung in the native language of Kerala in India!

This is my kind of "cheap thrill"...

Malayalam Mashup: Cheap Thrills

Sex shop causes a furore...

...but a most unexpected one:

When a sex shop opened its doors in the middle of a quaint cathedral city, one might have thought that residents would be the first to complain.

But after the owner of Erotica-Belle in Salisbury was ordered to cover up his windows, he received some surprise support.

Locals rallied around Jonathan Spencer, claiming that the store’s display, which often features seductive outfits and erotic toys, was one of the best in town.

...Typical displays at Mr Spencer’s store, which also boasts a “discreet rear entrance” at the back, are understood to have included suggestive posters and phrases, as well as erotic toys and lingerie.

One display was based on a seaside theme, with “Ahoy sexy” and “Hello sailor” stickers in the window.

Speaking after the order was made, Mr Spencer said: “My shops operate within the law. We seem to be demonised by the council and looked down upon like we are some illegitimate business. They are restricting my human right to earn an honest living.”

He has now been backed by residents who said the displays had “cheered up a very dreary end of Fisherton Street”.

One resident praised Erotica-Belle online and said the shop had been “producing lovely seasonal window displays for the past three years”. [Another said] “I would go as far as saying the best dressed shop in the town. They have always been really good at being tastefully provocative.

“I want to complain about the complainants trying to bring everyone down into their grey view of the world and stop this bloke making a living.”

The people of Salisbury have a delectation for sexy knickers and erotic stimulators, it would seem.

To mark "International Men's Day" (if a little late)...

...what better than an extract from Confessions of a King's Road Cowboy by Johnny Cigarini?:

More though than his acting and his thuggery, John Bindon was famous for the size of his cock. And he would love showing it off and to everyone. He could grasp it with two large hands and still have plenty left over to swing in a circle. Dani called it, in a French accent, Le pink elicoptere. It was like a hose. His party trick in pubs was to put empty pint glasses on it, and put his penis through the handles. I believe he could do ten at one time, or something ridiculous.

I was having lunch with him in the Great American Disaster one day, when the waitress came to take our order, without lifting his haunches, he draped his cock across the table, stuck a fork in it and said, can I have this lightly grilled, darling? Yes, that was John Bindon, the thug with the giant one.

It was a bright and glorious summer day, we were outside the Chelsea Potter on the King’s Road. There was currently a government survey into the UK sex trade, being led by a very upright and proper English aristocrat named Lord Longford. Bindon saw Longford approaching on the pavement, so he whipped out his cock and started swirling it. "How would you like to put this in your report, Lord Longford?" he shouted down the King’s Road.

No wonder Princess Margaret was so keen on him...

John Dennis Arthur Bindon (4th October 1943 - 10th October 1993)

International Men's Day was on 19th November.

News story of the day

A refreshing treat for Pride?

I can't be the only one who thought it on reading the news today, surely..?

The sperm of all 18-year-olds should be frozen for use in later life, a UK bioethicist has argued.

Dr Kevin Smith, from Abertay University in Dundee, says sperm-banking on the NHS should "become the norm".

Read the whole article on the BBC

Inchworm, inchworm

From today's Telegraph:

Although six inches has long been the accepted “norm” for the length of a manhood, the average is actually almost a full inch smaller, research reveals.

Length
Analysis of 17 studies involving more than 15,500 men revealed that the average length of an erect penis is 5.16 inches (13.12 centimetres) and 3.6 inches (9.16cm) when flaccid.

Girth
The study found the average penis had a girth of 4.59 inches (11.66 cm) when erect, and 3.66 inches (9.31cm) when flaccid.

Range
The scale the scientists used tracks a range of penis lengths and girths, with measurements of length when erect ranging from 1.9 inches (4.8cm) to 8.3 inches (21.2cm).

Psychiatrists who carried out the study said they hope the findings could help men suffering from “small penis anxiety” because of concern that they do not match up to the norm.

The study was led by the Institute of Psychiatry, Psychology & Neuroscience (IoPPN) at King’s College London and South London and Maudsley NHS Foundation Trust (SLaM).

The study did not draw any conclusions about differences in penis sizes across different races.

One study in 2013 suggested that penis length and girth was greatest in sub-Saharan Africans, intermediate in Caucasians and smallest in East Asians.

However, those findings were based on studies which did not meet the criteria of the new research, which was largely made up of Caucasian and Middle Eastern men.

The new analysis suggests age makes little difference, although some of the studies found the flaccid lengths and circumferences of the penises of older men were greater than those of younger men.

Suddenly, I'm not so upset about getting old...

Captain Kirk's secret weapon

This is priceless.

From the ever-wonderful Dangerous Minds:

In a classic scene from the Star Trek episode titled “What are Little Girls Made Of” (season one, episode seven, which aired on October 20th, 1966) we are treated to a skirmish involving Captain Kirk, a stalactite strongly resembling a huge dildo and a giant alien named “Ruk,” played by actor Ted Cassidy (who portrayed “Lurch” in The Addams Family).

Thirty-five minutes into the episode, Kirk is chased by Ruk into the caves of the alien planet he teleported to. To defend himself, Kirk pulls a huge piece of stalactite from the ceiling of the cave and after a quick edit, we get to see Captain Kirk holding what looks inexplicably like a gigantic marital aid. Kirk smacks Ruk around with it and you get to wonder how hard the production crew was laughing when this one slipped by the censors over at NBC.

In case you are short on time, someone has kindly put together a 25-second video summary of the episode that is posted below for your perusal.

Star Trek: What Little Girls Are Made Of in 25 seconds

The full episode is currently streaming on Vimeo.

Oral power

From the BBC:

Engineers in Canada have built a chin strap that harnesses energy from chewing and turns it into electricity.

Dr Aidin Delnavaz and Dr Jeremie Voix, mechanical engineers at the École de Technologie Supérieure in Montreal, Canada, suggest that jaw movements are a promising candidate for harvesting natural energy.

The pair, who work on auditory technology like powered ear-muffs and cochlear implants, are keen to put that energy to work, and decrease reliance on disposable batteries.

"We went through all the available power sources that are there," Dr Voix told the BBC. These included the heat found inside the ear canal, and the overall movement of the head, which might have been used in a similar way to the wrist movements that power automatic watches.

Anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?

Or am I the only one with a filthy mind?

And baby you can turn me on

From the BBC:

Sex toys, ancient carvings and medical artefacts will be among objects on display at a new exhibition opening in central London in November.

The Institute Of Sexology will be the first UK exhibition to bring together the pioneers of the study of sex, according to its curators. Paintings, films and photographs of copulation will also be on display.

Curators said that The Institute Of Sexology will include commissions, live events, discussions and performance art and "form part of a sexology season of activity across the country".

"The Institute Of Sexology offers a complex, often contradictory story of the study of sex, and highlights the profound effect that the gathering and analysis of information can have in changing attitudes about the human condition."

Sex Bomb? House bandleader here at Dolores Delargo Towers Max Raabe certainly seems to think so!

Max Raabe - Sex Bomb

The Institute Of Sexology will run for one year from 20th November 2014 at the Wellcome Collection in London.

Thought for the day

Unhappy bunnies

From The Guardian:

Sex toys worth £11,000 have been stolen by burglars who raided a mail order company, police say.

More than 400 items were stolen in four large suitcases from a flat in Gilgal in Stourport, Worcestershire, where they were being stored by the locally based mail order company Happy Bunny, which trades online.

West Mercia police said the premises were broken into some time between 11.30pm last Wednesday night and 9am the next day.

It is thought thieves accessed the property from Baldwin Road and left the scene via the same route.

Officers have contacted adult shops in the area to alert them in case they are offered any of the stolen goods.

PC Emma Gunnell said: "We would like to hear from anyone who saw any suspicious activity in that area overnight on Wednesday or thinks they know who was responsible.

"It would be quite difficult for the thieves to sell on these items in any great quantity and so we would ask people to be on the lookout for these suitcases should the thieves have dumped them.

"Two of the cases were black but the other two were very distinctive, one having pink-and-black stripes and the other a multicoloured flower pattern all over it."

Mistress MJ!

What have you been up to?