Dropping like flies, part 2...

A young Laurie Johnson and Petula Clark, 1955 by Harry Hammond

Laurie's music touched the lives of millions around the world. Throughout his illustrious career, he composed numerous iconic scores, themes and soundtracks that graced our lives across film, TV, theatre and radio. [His family's statement to the BBC yesterday].

Indeed he did. Among the many, many all-too-familiar theme tunes for which we have to thank the man are these:

Laurie Johnson - This Is Your Life theme

Laurie Johnson - The Avengers theme

Laurie Johnson - The Professionals theme

Laurie Johnson - Animal Magic theme

And finally, a little something I stumbled across courtesy of the Craig Charles Funk and Soul Show on BBC Radio 6 Music, that seems most appropriate to feature here:

AC Soul Symphony - The Philly Avengers [New Avengers theme remixed]

[NB "AC Soul Symphony" is the latest nom-de-plume of the artist formerly known as Joey Negro, DJ Dave Lee]

So many childhood memories. Sigh.

RIP, Laurie Johnson (7th February 1927 – 16th January 2024).

ITV runs the country

Two decades after the Post Office scandal began, the government has noticed it because it was on television. These dramas will get their respective scandals attention:

Sea of Shite, 9pm, ITV1
A hard-hitting drama following 57 triathlon swimmers who contracted E coli while competing because the sea was full of untreated human waste. Miriam Margoyles as environment minister Claire Coffey says ‘We had no reason to doubt the water companies’ assurances that the sea was fine.’

Mone Alone, 9pm, ITV1
Four-part drama following the PPE scandal of Baroness Mone and her husband, who profited from the pandemic by supplying overpriced equipment which was unfit for use. Anne Marie-Duff plays Mone, assuring Matt Hancock he has no reason to check her credentials as a provider of vital medical equipment during a national crisis.

This Train Doesn’t Stop There Anymore, 10pm, ITV2
Dramatisation of disastrous train privatisation which left British commuters paying the highest prices for the worst services in Europe. Sir Patrick Stewart as Chris Grayling says ‘We had no reason to believe that the rail companies were anything other than dedicated servants of their passengers.’

Moscow-on-Thames, ITVX, on demand
Investigative drama following the flow of Russian money into London and their purchase of property, businesses and newspapers which allowed them to wield outsize influence on British politics even while Putin was poisoning dissidents. Brian Blessed as Lord Eugene Lebedev hisses ‘I am Boris’s mate so you have no reason to fuck with me, get it?’

The Met Ball, ITV3, 9pm
Dramatisation of the corruption within the Metropolitan Police which regularly sees them cover up shootings, corruption, lawbreaking by newspapers and Partygate. Kristen Scott Thomas as Commissioner Cressida Dick says ‘Listen, I got promoted after leading an operation that killed an innocent unarmed Brazilian. That’s just the way this shit works.’

Truss Me, I’m An Economist, ITV1, 7pm
Light-hearted comedy following the farcical misadventures of Sally Phillips as Liz Truss, the hapless minister who can’t do anything right but still gets promoted! After a hilarious two-month spell as prime minister where she kills the Queen and crashes the economy, she gives all her mates knighthoods and takes a £125,000 annual pension. Oddly, viewers do not find this funny at all.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

The Dowager

It's our Patron Saint Dame Maggie Smith's birthday today! All hail...

A perfect excuse (if any were needed) to revisit some classic moments of the great Dame's most famous and formidable character:

Downton Abbey - The Dowager Countess of Grantham's Best Moments: Part 1

Downton Abbey - The Dowager Countess of Grantham's Best Moments: Part 2

Downton Abbey - The Dowager Countess of Grantham's Best Moments: Part 3

Many happy returns, Dame Margaret Natalie "Maggie" Smith CH DBE (born 28th December 1934)

[NB she shares her day with a whole raft of the "great and the good", such as Nichelle Nicholls, Stan Lee, Hildegard Knef, Richard Clayderman, Earl Hines, Nigel Kennedy, Billy Williams, Brian Redhead, Sienna Miller, Woodrow Wilson, Roy Hattersley, Sir Max Hastings, Olympic medal-winning swimmer Adam Peaty, Denzel Washington and Martha Wash...]

Bizarre reality

It can be disorientating trying to recall a dream, but it’s worse when you realise that the dream was actually a real TV show. Here are the oddest:

Stars In Their Eyes
Witnessing a meek accountant from Swansea walk through a smoky doorway and magically become a shop-soiled Robbie Williams is definitely the sort of thing that only happens in a dream, right? Not if you were watching ITV in the 90s. That was our bizarre reality.

Dick & Dom in da Bungalow
You must have been asleep on the sofa. There’s no way you could have watched a programme where children are screamed at and covered in gunk by two grown men, and sometimes Ian Beale from Eastenders, broadcast live at 9am on a Saturday morning. It’s too weird to have been real.

Big Break
The horrible combination of snooker and Jim Davidson is something only your subconscious could throw up. Factor in the nonsensical but sinister phrase ‘I’m going to be snookering you tonight’ and you’ve got the makings of a very creepy dream. Except you were awake and it was on every Saturday night for a decade.

Naked Attraction
Clearly an anxiety dream and not a real show. Who in their right mind would go on TV, reveal their entire naked body apart from their head, and have their genitals forensically examined by a stranger, an overexcited host and a viewing audience of millions? Only a particularly deep REM cycle could create that freakish situation, surely?

You Are What You Eat
So there’s this woman who pretends to be a doctor, right, who makes people put every single item of food they eat during a week on a massive table while she shames them for it. And then she makes them poo in a Tupperware box and give it to her so she can sniff it. No one would put something that mental on TV, so it must have been a particularly fucked up nightmare.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

The wit of the discourse at the poolside bar is effervescent

This year’s Love Island, as befits one of the most romantic stories ever told, is to have a tie-in novelisation by none other than Emily Brontë. Read the excerpts:

Chapter One

Arriving at the island, I feared I should never see Heathcliff again. He had departed for sea, or perhaps the Army. My heart was wrecked like my father’s ship on the rocks, but I then I ascertained there were some pretty buff guys I might wank off.

Chapter Two

The climes are far more clement here than the bluffs and moors of Yorkshire, so I slipped into a bikini. A bequest from a maiden aunt before the voyage had seen a prudent investment in implants, making me 34EE.

Chapter Three

The wit of the discourse at the poolside bar is effervescent. ‘Is Transformers a true story?’ asked Cheryline. ‘I believe it is a fiction like those of Edgar Allen Poe,’ I contended. And was well rewarded with a charming compliment from Brayden, who proffered ‘You is well fit, babe.’

Chapter Four

After a childhood and marriage vexed and tempest-tossed, I have decided to make a gift of my heart to Brayden. Or is it Marco? Or Jaxyn? I fear I am having great difficulty telling them apart! Either ways, I boned one of them on top, so should not depart yet.

Chapter Five

As the snake in Eden, in this very paradise there is a succubus straight from Hell itself: Anna. She has her eye well on my Brayden, as I lamented in the diary room while calling her a bitch. But my spirit burns too bright for this Love Island, and I keep my eye on the £50k.

Chapter Six

Brayden and Anna’s close but scandalously false relationship caused me to fall into a terrible faint. I thought I might expire of the vapours, when a rough growl erupted from the sunken garden. It was Heathcliff, my love! He was not dead but had been coupled with Sally. ‘F**k off Brayden, you milksop’ he said, whilst getting right up in his face.

Chapter Seven

Deserved winners, Heathcliff and I have engaged a celebrity PR firm while we take in the marketing opportunities. Ours is a passion that will last longer than the limestone which underpins the Yorkshire Moors. Or about four to six months while we get our book out.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

The decade of the Bimbo

It's a bit of a Seventies Day, all told.

Today marks the 60th anniversary of Britain's first commercial TV network, ITV; the channel that had arguably its greatest successes in that decade - with its non-PC "comedies" (The Benny Hill Show, On The Buses, Love Thy Neighbour, Man About The House, et al), significant factual programming (such as World in Action, The South Bank Show, The World at War) and much-loved dramas (Upstairs Downstairs, A Family at War, Edward the Seventh and many more). It was never a patch on the BBC in its classiness - and, of course, there were all those adverts - but as a kid growing up I have fond memories of 70s ITV's children's programmes such as The Tomorrow People, Just William and anything from the studios of Gerry Anderson (Thunderbirds, Joe 90 and the rest)...



Also on this day - in 1976, Charlie's Angels starring Farrah Fawcett had its début; in 1972, Idi Amin expelled 8,000 Asians from Uganda (mostly to the UK); and in 1975, Sara Jane Moore was the second person to fail to assassinate US President Gerald Ford.

Just today, reviving cringe-worthy memories of the sudden and unstoppable rise of "tartan-mania" - particularly among the girls at my school - the most popular "boy-band" of the 1970s, the Bay City Rollers have (embarrassingly) have announced a reunion tour...



And, among today's birthdays is the centenary of Arthur Lowe (one of the curmudgeonly stars of that archetypal (BBC) 70s show Dad's Army); and Captain Mark Phillips (whose marriage to Princess Anne in November 1973 was the first Royal Wedding celebration I remember) blows out 67 candles.

So, to really capture the "feel" of that delightfully tacky decade in spectacular fashion, what better than this long-forgotten "gem" from 1975?!

Bimbo Jet - El Bimbo

Someone crack open the Babycham, would you?

A lorra, lorra laughs

From the BBC:

Sheridan Smith is to play singer and TV presenter Cilla Black in a new three-part drama, ITV has announced.

The actress will star as the famous Liverpudlian in the drama, by Jeff Pope, which will "capture the essence of 1960s Liverpool".

It will look at her friendship with Ringo Starr which brought her to the attention of Beatles' manager Brian Epstein and producer George Martin.

Cilla, written by Pope - who, along with Steve Coogan won a Bafta for his screenplay for the film Philomena, will follow her journey from a young typist under her real name of Priscilla White, to meeting and befriending Brian Epstein and then recording and launching her career at Abbey Road studios.

"Her life story is fascinating," said Sheridan. "I'm so excited and can't wait to start filming."

Should be fun...

And here is the lady herself, with our favourite here at Dolores Delargo Towers, You're My World:

Cilla Black - You're My World

Cilla Black official website

Costa del Carrington?

Oh my gawd... Can this programme get any more camp? According to the BBC:

Joan Collins is heading back to the small screen to join the cast of ITV sitcom Benidorm.

The former Dynasty star will play hotel guest "Crystal" in the forthcoming sixth series of the show, set in the Spanish resort.

Collins played Alexis Carrington Colby in the 1980s drama alongside Linda Evans as her rival Krystle Carrington.

The actress told fans: "I'm playing Crystal, yes I am!! But not the Dynasty one."

More about Benidorm.

Fun and sunshine

Hoorah! One of our favourite TV series here at Dolores Delargo Towers is coming back...

ITV has confirmed details about the forthcoming sixth series of its hit sitcom Benidorm.

Seven new episodes are currently been filmed on location in Spain for broadcast on ITV later in the year.

Returning to enjoy the 'four star hotel treatment' in the new series are Mick Garvey (Steve Pemberton), Janice Garvey (Downton Abbey's Siobhan Finneran) and Madge Harvey (Sheila Reid).

Madge

Producers add: "Viewers will be surprised to see how grown-up Michael Garvey (Oliver Stokes) has become - he's now an adventurous teenager who's set to cause his parents many troubled afternoons by the pool."

The Dykes, a new family, are also set to be introduced in this series. Heading up the group are Clive (Perry Benson) and Tonya (Hannah Waddingham) - a lively Watford couple with Clive firmly under the thumb of his no-nonsense wife. They bring their two children with them, Bianca (Bel Powley) and Tiger (Danny Walters) - both are young, single and looking for fun.

Characters returning from previous series include popular swingers Donald Stewart (Kenny Ireland) and Jacqueline Stewart (Janine Duvitski), who fully intend to claim the free holiday that new manager Joyce Temple Savage (Sherrie Hewson) promised them at the end of the last series.

Jacqueline and Donald

The new series also sees Liam (Adam Gillen) join Kenneth DuBeke (Tony Maudsley) at his hair salon 'Blow & Go' - the very discreet and selective hair and beauty emporium within the Solana resort.

And hunky barman Mateo (Jake Canuso) still holds the fort behind the pool bar with the help of friendly transsexual Les/Lesley (Tim Healey).

Mateo

ITV has also revealed that Series 6 will see the return of Martin Weedon (Nicholas Burns), who was last seen in the sitcom in Series 3. Martin arrives on a loud and lairy stag do and, now very single, finds himself having a drunken 'encounter' with one of the well-known female holidaymakers.

Benidorm includes notable guest stars in each series, and Series 6 is set to see Ken Morley, best known for playing Reg Holdsworth in Coronation Street, making a guest appearance. Additionally Hollyoaks pin-up Philip Olivier will play a new character, and Matthew Kelly will return as Joyce's old flame, Cyril Babcock.

The Garveys with Cilla Black

Benidorm creator Derren Litten, who after sharing writing duties with Pemberton and Neil Fitzmaurice during Series 5, has returned to pen all seven episodes, says: "I'm so excited about Series 6 of Benidorm, probably more excited than all previous series.

"Apart from Dynasty Series 5 of course - what could possibly top the Moldavian Massacre?"

Campness abounds...

Pool clip from Benidorm

"Beef curtains" clip from Benidorm

Nudist beach clip from Benidorm

I can't wait!

Benidorm at the British Comedy Guide

"We are allies, my dear"

As we wish a happy 66th birthday today to ITV - Britain's first commercial broadcaster, launched this day in 1955 - so it is worth celebrating a programme that is definitely that channel's "finest hour" since Brideshead Revisited in 1981.

Downton Abbey is a phenomenon. Universally lauded by critics and audiences alike, it is practically guaranteed to take every TV award going, being as it is a fantastically-acted cross between costume drama and soap (the perfect combination!).

And with the pithy writing of that master of the art Julian Fellowes behind her, its unavowed star is the redoubtable Lady Grantham (Maggie Smith). When she made her entrance in Sunday's first episode of series two, we practically applauded. Here are just some of her better lines:

• Mrs Crawley: “What should we call each other?”
  Lady Grantham: “Well, we could always start with Mrs Crawley and Lady Grantham.”
• Lady Mary: “Sybil is entitled to her opinions.”
  Lady Grantham: “No. She isn’t until she is married, then her husband will tell her what her opinions are.”
• Lady Grantham: “You are quite wonderful the way you see room for improvement wherever you look. I never knew such reforming zeal.”
  Mrs Crawley: “I take that as a compliment.”
  Lady Grantham: “I must have said it wrong.”
• Lord Grantham: “We had better go in soon or it isn’t fair to Mrs Patmore.”
  Lady Grantham: “Oh, is her cooking so precisely timed? You couldn’t tell.”
• Cora: “Are we to be friends then?”
  Lady Grantham: “We are allies, my dear, which can be a good deal more effective.”
• “What is a weekend?”
• Lady Grantham: “So, that’s Mary’s replacement. Well, I suppose looks aren’t everything.”
  Cora: “I think she seems rather sweet. I’m afraid meeting us all together must be very intimidating.”
  Lady Grantham: “I do hope so.”
• “I hate Greek drama...when everything happens offstage.”

Downton Abbey: The Countess and the swivel chair

http://www.itv.com/downtonabbey/