Thick. Hair.

Donald Trump has accused Islam of ‘fucking up his once beautiful head of hair’.

Admitting he is ‘horrifically bald’, the Republican presidential candidate insisted the only explanation was ‘bad vibes’ from a Muslim taxi driver in New York.

He said: “I used to have hair like Elvis, but when I was a young man I got into a cab driven by a Muslim. When I complained that he was taking the wrong route he stared at me and mumbled something under his breath in Arabic.

“I now realise he had cursed the top of my head with some ancient Islamic mumbo jumbo.”

Trump warned that unless all Muslims were excluded from the United States, the country faced catastrophic baldness and terrorism.

He added: “My greatest fear is that if we allow them to stay here and breed then something even worse will happen to my hair.

“Have you ever seen a bald Muslim? No, you haven’t. They all have fantastic, thick hair because they use their magic to steal our hair.

“I don’t want to look like this, I don’t want anyone to look like this – I’m not insane. But we’re up against an entire religion that wants to control all the hair in the world.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Footnote: In the UK, "trump" means "fart".