"Fifty crept up on me like a Catholic priest in a lavatory."

"I’m 50. The shame of it. Too old for Alcopops, too young for Midsomer Murders. This will be an intimate evening – a celebration, no less, of my twenty-five years in the camp spotlight: how I got there and why I refuse to leave."

We went to see Julian Clary's final show in his Lord of the Mince tour last night at the Leicester Square Theatre (“I did Two Gentlemen of Verona here in 1984. They said they were from Verona, anyway”). Celebrating his 50th birthday and 25 years in showbiz, Mr Clary has lost none of his magic touch. "I’m a national trinket," he said - and he's not wrong!

We were in hysterics at times as Julian led us through his achievements over those five decades, including bizarre boyfriends, moving to the country, his best-selling books, caravanning ("I'm really only happy when I'm bent double in a small space washing my hair in recycled urine") and Strictly Come Dancing ("As soon as I pressed my Fred against her Ginger, I could smell triumph"). Oh, and fisting, of course!

Reflecting on his boyfriend’s flaky-skinned eczema, he described life as “like living with a gecko”. Nothing is safe from his sardonic observations - the audience, Dale Winton, Exeter ("shithole"), heterosexuals, his neighbour Paul O'Grady (Julian's impression of him was genius!), the restaurant next door ("I looked through the window and saw a mouse sucking a Rennie") - and he delivers every put down with his customary knowing look, eyebrow raised and deadpan tone of voice. Brilliantly done, and very funny!

The second half is devoted to even more audience humiliation, as Julian reveals his new-found psychic skills ("Madam, I'm getting spiritual vibes that next week you will dye your hair blonde, and it will be a disaster. Oh, sorry, that must have been last week.") Dragging two unsuspecting queens up onto the stage, he subjected them to some mortifying "psychic experiments" including blindfold taste tests and a psychokinetic experiment with a teddy bear. All done in the best possible taste, of course!

As a finale, he brought his dogs Valerie and Jism (!) on stage, much to the delight of the punters. But it wouldn't be Julian without one of his half-spoken "songs", and his closing number You Probably Are Gay was wonderful. Quite rightly, he received a thunderous ovation!

Madame Acarti went along not knowing quite what to expect, and was in fits of laughter all the way through. Last night proved (if any proof were necessary) that Julian Clary is one of the funniest comedians around, and I hope UK television wakes up to the fact and we get more of him on our screens again...

Here's Julian and Paul O'Grady camping it up on the latter's show this year...

Julian Clary on The Paul O'Grady Show

Julian Clary offical website