Twice would be vicious

Many happy returns to the peerless Mr Stephen Sondheim, an icon here at Dolores Delargo Towers (we've been to numerous productions of his works, and even went to see him live in conversation on the occasion of his 80th) - 84 years old today!

In tribute to the great man, here's a unique version of one of our house-party favourites I Never Do Anything Twice (also known as "The Madam's Song" from The Seven Percent Solution), by the magnificent cabaret impresario Dusty Limits...

Dusty Limits - I Never Do Anything Twice

When I was young and simple
I don't recall the date
I met a handsome captain of the guard
He visited my chambers one evening rather late
In tandem with a husky Saint Bernard

At first I was astonished
And tears came to my eyes
But, later when I asked him to resume
He said, to my surprise
My dear, it isn't wise
Where love is concerned one must freshen the bloom

Once, yes, once for a lark
Twice, though, loses the spark
One must never deny it
But after you try it you vary the diet

Said my handsome young guard
Yes, I know, but it's hard
But no matter how nice
I never do anything twice

I think about the Baron
Who came at my command
And proffered me a riding crop and chains
The evening that we shared
Was meticulously planned
He took the most extraordinary pains
He trembled with excitement
His cheeks were quite aglow
And afterwards he cried to me, "Encore!"

He pleaded with me so to have another go
I murmured caressingly, "Whatever for?"

Once, yes, once for a lark
Twice, though, loses the spark
Once, yes, once is delicious
But twice would be vicious
Or just repetitious

Someone's bound to be scarred
Yes, I know that it's hard
But, no matter the price
I never do anything twice

And then there was the abbot
Who worshipped at my feet
Who dressed me in a wimple and in veils
He made a proposition which
I found rather sweet
And handed me a hammer and some nails

In time we lay contented
And he began again
By fingering the beads around our waists
I whispered to him then
"We'll have to say amen,"
For I had developed more catholic tastes

Once, yes, once for a lark
Twice, though, loses the spark

As I said to the abbot
I'll get in the habit, but not in the habit
You've my highest regard
And I know that it's hard
Still, no matter the price
I'd never do anything twice

Once, yes, once can be nice
Love requires some spice
If you've something in view
Or something to do, totally new
I'll be there in a trice
But I never do anything twice

Except . . . No
I never do anything twice

Dusty Limits on Wikipedia