A seasonal tradition

Flooding in places that have never suffered flooding before is now an annual pre-Christmas event, it has been confirmed.

Environment secretary Andrea Leadsom told press that unprecedented flooding is now part of the wonderful pageant of British Yuletide.

She continued: “It’s nothing to do with global warming, which isn’t happening and anyway we’re withdrawing from that kind of thing with Brexit.

“No, torrents of filthy flood water invading your home are just one of those marvellously British Christmas rituals, like warm mince pies with a dollop of cream or watching 'Die Hard'.

“I just love gathering the whole family around the television watching cars get stranded and seeing soaking families gather in school gymnasiums. Gives me that warm festive feeling.”

Flood victim Steve Malley of Stalybridge said: “Christmas is one of those things that’s always evolving, always that wonderful mix of the old and the new.

“I’m just glad I’ve been able to bring joy to so many this year. We weren’t insured.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

The real story: Britain is underwater.