Now that's NOT what I call music...

Horrendous news breaks upon an incredulous world today - a new musical about the origins of Marvel superhero "Spiderman" will come to Broadway next year, with music and lyrics by none other than everyone's least favourite overblown gob-in-shades Bono and fellow U2 member and beanie-hat-wearer The Edge! I feel nauseous already.

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On hearing this "wonderful" piece of news, my thoughts turn to the world of truly dreadful musicals. I actually have in my possession a copy of the soundtrack of Silence of the Lambs - the Musical (which I think is a piss-take, but nobody knows for sure), and of course South Park's Trey Parker and Matt Stone famously came up with Cannibal! The Musical!.

I have amused myself for many years with a drinking game that involves suggesting the cast, set pieces and appropriate numbers to feature in musicals about real-life disasters and atrocities - "Harold Shipman - the Musical", anyone? Or maybe "9/11 - the Musical"? But none of these are likely to be treated seriously.

Out there in the real world, however, horrible concepts actually do exist, and even get to the glittering stages of the West End (if only briefly). We have studiously avoided such ill-conceived "gems" as Movin' Out (featuring the songs of Billy Joel), Tonight’s The Night - The Rod Stewart Musical and Daddy Cool: The Boney M Musical, all of which are part of a sick trend started by the likes of We Will Rock You and Mamma Mia - chav theatre for the Jerry Springer/Jeremy Kyle generation. Other grandiose ideas such as Gone With The Wind and Desperately Seeking Susan were incredible flops.

Here, writing for the Telegraph last year, is the personal choice of theatre critic Dominic Cavendish, amongst which are what sound like some real clangers:

1 Carrie (1988)
This atrocious adaptation of Stephen King's novel - taken by the Royal Shakespeare Company to Broadway where it folded after 21 performances - remains the primus inter pares of the musical flop. King's story of a menstruating schoolgirl with telekinetic powers and a mad religious mother was served up with a ghastly gloop of rock-pop and fake blood. It was hailed as "a resounding mistake" in England and duly went on to be ferociously panned in New York, losing a neat $8 million.

Read a hilarious appreciation of this debacle courtesy of West End Whingers blog

2 Which Witch (1992)
The brainchild of Benedicte Adrian and Ingrid Bjornov - members of Norwegian pop group Dollie Deluxe - this "opera-musical" was a cod 16th-century tale of thwarted passion that culminated in the young Italian heroine being burnt at the stake as a witch. King Harald and Queen Sonja of Norway visited the Piccadilly Theatre to lend their support to "the most heavily panned London stage musical in a generation" - but it folded after 10 weeks. "Flops don't come much floppier," said the Telegraph. Nul points.

3 Bernadette (1990)
Described as "one of the most bizarre and spectacular failures in London musical theatre history", the show - naively expected to pack out the Dominion - was based on the story of Bernadette Soubirous, a young peasant girl who had visions of the Virgin Mary at Lourdes in 1858. It was written by a piano-tuner and his wife, financed by readers of the Daily Mirror and an ex-chauffeur and, astoundingly, the Pope blessed the cast. To no avail: it lasted three weeks.

4 The Fields of Ambrosia (1996)
A jaunty, taste-free US musical about capital punishment, set in the deep South in 1918. The hero, a state executioner, falls for a German femme fatale he's due to fry - and eventually sings the finale from his own electric chair. The Daily Mail described it as "the biggest turkey, the floppiest flopperoo, the greatest slice of ham to hit the West End stage in years". It didn't last a fortnight.

5 Jeeves (1975)
Even Andrew Lloyd Webber has had his off-days. Riding high after Jesus Christ Superstar and Joseph, the composer turned to Alan Ayckbourn to help bring the comic charm of Jeeves and Wooster to the stage, but the "heavy-handed affair" was denounced as "like a dream of all the Wodehouse novels combined in the ultimate ghastly weekend". It lasted 38 performances.

6 Moby Dick (1992)
"Sixth-form girls perform Herman Meville's novel in their school swimming-pool" - doesn't sound like a recipe for success, does it? And it wasn't. Scantily clad females, "Dick" jokes and a swiftly forgettable score saw this Cameron Mackintosh-backed extravangaza being harpooned by the critics. It survived 15 weeks at the Piccadilly Theatre before sinking below the waves.

7 Twang!! (1965)
Lionel Bart gave the world Oliver!. Five years later he also gave the world this troubled "burlesque" version of the Robin Hood legend. Director Joan Littlewood abandoned ship after the first regional try-out and Bart, against the advice of Noël Coward, invested his own fortune in the show. "The worst musical for years," chortled the critics. Bart was left in a state of financial ruin.

8 The Hunting of the Snark (1991)
Mike Batt, the producer of the Wombles records, gambled heavily and lost on his lavish adaptation of Lewis Carroll's nonsense epic poem. Batt wrote the book, music and lyrics and even gave Kenny Everett his West End moment as the Billiard Marker. A reported £2.1 million was spent on the show, which successfully emptied the Prince Edward theatre and bowed out after seven weeks.

9 Children of Eden (1991)
John Caird and composer-lyricist Stephen Schwartz (who gave the world Godspell) turned the Old Testament, from the Creation to the Flood, into a biblical concept show and created a holy mess, by most accounts. "Clearly God is miffed/He's left us all adrift" ran one lyric, summing up the ill-fated enterprise, which was cast out of the Prince Edward theatre after 10 weeks.

10 Oscar Wilde (2005)
Former Radio 1 DJ Mike Read's bio-musical account of the life of Oscar Wilde achieved special notoriety for surviving just one proper performance - press night - at the Shaw Theatre. Read, the Telegraph concluded, "passes golden genius through the filter of presumptuous mediocrity and produces over two hours of leaden dross".

Now, do we have any further nominations?