The Diva from Doncaster

Heavens! Miss Lesley Garrett, the "Diva from Doncaster" - the first modern opera diva to do "the crossover", landing her own BBC television show in the late 80s in which she gave the audience a potted history of certain pieces of classical music, then sang them, alongside myriad special guests as diverse as Elaine Paige, Renee Fleming, Ladysmith Black Mambazo, Marti Pellow, Michel Legrand, Alison Moyet, Michael Ball, Maxim Vengerov and Ian Bostridge - blows out 70 candles on her cake today!

Gifted with a natural Yorkshire "down-to-earth" manner as well as a beautiful vocal tone, Miss Garrett is rightly regarded as a "national treasure", and lauded for her place in taking opera to the masses (a trend that has continued ever since with the likes of Katherine Jenkins and Russell Watson, and of course Classic FM today).

Here are some clips of the lady herself, firstly with two very special guests...

Lesley Garrett, Patricia Hodge and Lily Savage - Three Little Maids

Before she discovered grooming, here she holds her own alongside mezzo-soprano Ann Murray singing the traditional Rule Britannia at the Last Night of the Proms in 1990:

Lesley Garrett, Ann Murray - Rule, Britannia

And finally, her solo version of Handel's Tornami a Vagheggiar:

Lesley Garrett - Morgana's aria Tornami a vagheggiar (from Alcina by George Frideric Handel)

Happy Birthday, pet!

Lesley Garrett (born 10th April 1955)

Ooh, don’t mind if I do

All rides at UK Universal theme park to be Carry On themed

Every single ride at the UK’s Universal theme park will be based on bawdy films laced with tortuous double entendres, it has emerged.

Construction plans for Europe’s first Universal theme park have revealed that the site in Bedford will be predominantly dedicated to rides based on saucy comedy movies shown on ITV2 every Bank Holiday weekend.

A Universal spokesperson said: “This park will be a celebration of the best of British filmmaking. And it doesn’t get any better than Barbara Windsor’s bra pinging off with a silly sound effect.

“Visitors can look forward to drop towers that descend to the tune of a suggestive slide whistle, and bumper cars that go ‘Ooh, don’t mind if I do’ in Kenneth Williams’ camp, reedy voice when they slam into each other.

“To create a truly immersive experience, every ride will be staffed by frumpy matrons and saucy nurses, and mascots will patrol the grounds dressed as Sid James to meet and greet the crowds. It promises to be a magical, unforgettable day out.

“If it’s a success then there’s always scope to expand. We’re already thinking of opening resorts based on other British franchises like Gonks Go Beat and On The Buses.”

Tom Booker from Croydon said: “I was hoping for punishingly bleak attractions inspired by Threads or A Taste of Honey, but I suppose this’ll have to do.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[The "real" story.]

Of jewellery, confectionery, awards, whispering and one of the best drummers ever

Utterly divine...

Another snippets post today, dear reader:

• Diamonds are a gay's best friend news: The Cartier exhibition at the V&A opens this weekend - and, among loads of delicious sparklies, features Wallis Simpson's sapphire cabochon panther brooch (as pictured above)! We're now members of the prestigious museum, so can go along as many times as we like - I wonder if they'll let us try on any of the jewellery?
• Non-lethal snacks news: The Scottish-born delicacy Tunnock's teacakes has finally been exonerated by scientists after being banned by the RAF from cockpits for decades for fear that they could explode and cause a disaster!
• Iconic cameo roles news: The woman behind the whispered "Big boys don't cry" line in 10CC's classic I'm Not In Love tells all.
• Luvvies news: Congratulations to John Lithgow, Lesley Manville and Dame Imelda Staunton (among others), who all won "Best Actor/Actress" in their category at last night's Olivier Awards!
• More sickly confectionery news: Manufacturer Cadbury's has unveiled the world's largest - 3ft tall! - Creme Egg. The world asks "Why?!"

• And finally - RIP, a membranophonic maestro: Clem Burke, world-renowned drummer and founder-member of Blondie with Debbie Harry and Chris Stein, has died, aged 70. By way of a tribute, a double-bill of the man's finest moments:

Blondie - Call Me

Blondie - Dreaming

Class.

And the weather? Sunny, sunny, sunny! Hoorah!

Crunchy granola?

Bah! Monday again...

Never mind, eh?

Among another cornucopia of fellow celebrants, that include William Wordsworth (his 255th, indeed), Billie Holiday, Sir David Frost, Janis Ian, Russell Crowe, Yves Rocher, Ravi Shankar, James Garner, Ian Richardson, Andrew Sachs, Gorden Kaye, Florian Schneider of Kraftwerk, Jackie Chan, Wayne "Trapper John" Rogers, John Oates of Hall & Oates, Gerry Cottle, Francis Ford Coppola, Duncan James of Blue and - erm - Ole Kirk Christiansen, founder of Lego, it would have been the birthday today of that ultimate master of easy-listening music, Mr Percy Faith!

Utterly perfect to cheer us up on this Tacky Music Monday, here's his orchestra's version of a choon originally written by Neil Diamond, with a most bizarrely-choreographed dance routine, to boot!

Percy Faith Orchestra - Crunchy Granola Suite

Have a good one, dear reader.

C'est la vie dans ce monde

A view up my back passage

Another busy weekend in the extensive gardens here at Dolores Delargo Towers comes to a close - yesterday I demolished two rusty sets of garden shelves and erected a new pair [that Madam Arcati had ordered] in their place, and pottered about pruning and prepping the myriad little pots that will sit on them. Today, while the Madam continued the arduous task of clearing winter clag from under and around plant stands and tidying the rest of the shelving, I almost completed the process of digging out and splitting up the biggest of our herbaceous pots - and the last of the phlox is done [just some pots of Salvias to go, but they're not so urgent]! Almost ready for summer...

Meanwhile, speaking of "sunshiny things", sad news reaches our ears that Amadou - one half of house favourites here, the blind Malian husband-and-wife due Amadou and Mariam [who ascended from their roots in Africa to become huge in France, they went on to support the likes of Scissor Sisters, Coldplay and U2 on tour, and appeared at Glastonbury Festival] - has departed for the "L'Afrique C'est Chic" stage in Fabulon.

Here's my ultimate fave from their back catalogue, by way of a tribute:

Amadou & Mariam - La réalité

Joyous!

In the Spring a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of...

Take me through the darkness to the break of the day

A Friday, in the middle of the most glorious Spring, with a sunny weekend forecast? Yayyyyyyy!

Tomorrow happens to be the 75th birthday of the lovely Agnetha Fältskog of ABBA, so what better way to get the party started than with one of the Swedish super-group's more "club-worthy" numbers [as also featured - in a very different version - last week]?

Thank Disco It's Friday!

Abba - Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)

Half past twelve
And I'm watching the late show in my flat all alone
How I hate to spend the evening on my own
Autumn winds
Blowing outside the window as I look around the room
And it makes me so depressed to see the gloom

There's not a soul out there
No one to hear my prayer

Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away
Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness to the break of the day

Movie stars
Find the end of the rainbow, with a fortune to win
It's so different from the world I'm living in
Tired of T.V.
I open the window and I gaze into the night
But there's nothing there to see, no one in sight

There's not a soul out there
No one to hear my prayer

Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away
Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness to the break of the day

Have a great weekend, dear reader - enjoy the sunshine!

Posing a visual hazard

A man who believes the spring weather gives him licence to wear a Hawaiian shirt has been sternly corrected.

Flamboyant dresser Tom Booker has been reprimanded by friends and passers-by for greeting relatively pleasant temperatures with a floral shirt more suited to the tropical climate of a Central Pacific archipelago.

Friend Stephen Malley said: “I’ve not shut Tom down because of his cultural insensitivity. He just looks like a massive dickhead.

“We’re only two days into April. The mercury is slowly inching up to 16 degrees. This is a time for T-shirts under denim jackets, maybe shorts if you’re one of those men and feeling adventurous.

“They’re only acceptable on holiday, during a prolonged spell of sweltering weather or at an office Hawaiian day if you work in a twat’s office. Even then, shirts decorated with little pineapples? Leave them to their target demographic of the closeted and divorced.”

Eyewitness Emma Bradford said: “Tom’s posing a visual hazard. I had to step into oncoming traffic in order to go over and tell him to put a hoodie over that gaudy shit.

“Also, wearing a Hawaiian today is goading the British weather into turning grey, showery and fucking freezing for the next six weeks. Don’t taunt it, you know how it gets.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Of Batman, spies, censorship, earth-moving, god-botherers and a Dame

RIP, Val Kilmer, gorgeous star of "Top Gun" and "Batman Forever".

Another snippets post today, dear reader:

• Spy news: Compact spy cameras, microdots in a talcum powder tin, a briefcase abandoned by Soviet spy Guy Burgess as he fled the UK, and a desiccated 110-year-old lemon that played a pivotal role in WWI are all on show in a new exhibition MI5: Official Secrets at the National Archives, opening this weekend. I wonder if they have any of James Bond's gadgets on display?
• Philistines news: Paris may be scented by centuries of coffee and Gauloise aromas, but the Paris Metro has banned a poster advertising a new David Hockney exhibition because he happens to be holding a cigarette! "L'Etat nounou", vraiment! ["Nanny State", indeed! in English]

• Never complain about potholes again news: Britain's 'wonkiest road' that was so badly damaged by a landslip during "Storm Eunice" in 2022 it was being used as a makeshift skate park has finally reopened after £5million was spent on repairs.
• False miracles news: Zealots in a church in Indiana who thought red marks on a communion wafer were some kind of miracle have been told it was actually just bacteria from being handled by dirty hands. Hallelujah!
• And finally: Among a slew of birthdays that includes Sir Alec Guinness, Marvin Gaye, Emperor Charlemagne of the Franks, Michael Fassbender, Emmylou Harris, "Adrian Mole" creator Sue Townsend, Paul Gambaccini, Casanova, Buddy Ebsen, Hans Christian Andersen, Serge Gainsbourg, Émile Zola, Linford Christie (who is 65!), Keren Woodward of Bananarama, Pedro Pascal (50) and - erm - Dr. Demento...

  ...it is the 85th birthday today of darling Dame Penelope Keith, star of The Good Life, To the Manor Born, and so much more besides - including her guest appearances on the Morecambe and Wise Show! All hail...

And the weather? The glorious Spring sunshine continues (even if the wind's a little chilly at times)!

Got to be a joker, he just do what he please

Now you see it, now you don't...?

“It is with a heavy heart that we announce we announce that the Abbey Road crossing is set to be removed for the foreseeable future - a decision beyond our control. We remain hopeful it can be reversed and will return in the future.” So went the press release from Abbey Road Studios, announcing the removal of the Zebra crossing that featured in that iconic Beatles LP cover.

All is not as it seems, however. Yes - it's April Fool's Day again!

Here's a round-up of some of the bizarre lengths some PR people will go in an attempt to prank the public and, of course, gain their brand some publicity in the process...

Erm - a drinkable Subway meatball marinara sub roll, anyone?

...or how about Branston baked beans lip-gloss?

Personal stylists for your pets, courtesy of John Lewis department stores?

Birds Eye's "Potato Waffholes" - a new product containing the missing leftovers from the holes in their potato waffles?

...or how about a BabyBel waxed sleeping bag?

Did you get fooled by any of them?

No, me neither.