Satire's not dead yet

A new study has found that taking part in “Dry January” leads to a sharp and measurable increase in smugness, with partners, friends and bar staff reporting noticeable behavioural changes within days of the month beginning.

Researchers said participants displayed heightened levels of self satisfaction, particularly in pub settings, where abstinence was often announced loudly and repeatedly, despite no one asking.“It’s not just that they’re not drinking,” one increasingly weary partner lamented. “It’s the way they sit there watching everyone else like they’re morally superior. It’s made me drink even more if I’m honest, mainly out of spite. Sometimes I just go to the pub without them.”

Friends reported similar responses.“They can’t just quietly not drink,” harped one disgruntled drinker. “They have to mention it. In the pub. Over and over. It’s quite annoying.”

Bar staff said the behaviour was instantly recognisable. Jim Bingham, bar manager at The Bouverie Tap in Folkestone, Kent, said Dry January customers tend to let you know as soon as they walk in. “They want to chat about how well they’re doing. But we’re busy,” he bristled. “We don’t need your life story. Just order a fucking drink.”

“No one orders a lager and explains they’re doing Fat February. But in January, ordering a lemonade comes with a TED talk. We don’t care.”

Pubs confirmed sales of alcohol free beer, cider and spirits rise sharply throughout the month.“We order extra every January,” Bingham said. “It’s not a trend. It’s for these numpties.”

Alex Furness, a bartender at the pub, said customers often seemed disappointed by the lack of reaction. “They announce they’re doing Dry January and just stand there,” he said. “Like we’re meant to clap. I don’t give a shit.”

The study revealed the most common phrase recorded was “I’m actually doing Dry January”, often delivered with a smug expression, as if they’re quietly enjoying the smell of their own fart.

Researchers also noted a marked increase in phrases such as “I don’t even miss it”, “I actually feel amazing”, “I’m sleeping so much better” and “I’ll probably just carry on in February”, usually spoken while staring longingly at someone else’s pint.

They found smugness typically peaked in the second week of January, before collapsing rapidly following phrases such as “I might just have one” or “I’ve still done really well”.Pubs expect behaviour to return to normal by early February, when participants begin saying they have “basically cut down now” while ordering a pint.

The report concluded that while Dry January may offer personal benefits, it places “considerable strain on pubs, relationships, and anyone seated nearby”.At time of publication, bar staff confirmed they had ordered enough 0% options and were “looking forward to Full Fat February”.
- this post from The Bouverie Tap in Folkestone makes me want to pay them a visit!

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Brooklyn Beckham and Nicola Peltz have never worked a day in their entire lives.

They really do believe they are suffering over a wedding dress and a typical in-law disagreement.

Zero adversity in life is what creates this phenomena [sic]. People worldwide are starving, dying, and being slaughtered in their hometowns - but poor Brooklyn and Nicola had a dust-up at their billionaire wedding.

They are so wealthy, they were then able to organise another wedding to make up for the first - but they want the public to realise how stressful it is that they had to have TWO multi-million dollar weddings because his brother said something mean to him and his mother danced with him at the wrong time.

Truly traumatising. Pray for them.
- Candace Owens

[The "real" story]

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“Retaliatory tariffs are a bad idea,” said Starmer. He isn’t wrong. A trade war would undoubtedly harm the UK economy. And falling out with your most important ally who helps maintain your nuclear deterrent can generally be filed under “bad idea”. But where do you draw the line when The Donald goes ahead and does all the things he says he is going to do? Imposes tariffs; annexes Greenland; trashes Nato.

In KeirWorld where no boat should ever be rocked, The Donald operates in a world without consequences. Where every humiliation is only greeted with an invitation to inflict further humiliation. Were Trump to take a fancy to Scotland - hell, he owns a couple of golf courses so why not the whole country: first he takes Turnberry then he takes Holyrood - what would Starmer do then? Apart from saying how disappointed he was and that we needed to maintain good relations with the US at all costs.

Maybe Keir will prove us all wrong. He will secure a meeting with the president in Davos and The Donald will see the light. But you wouldn’t put money on it. Starmer has acquired the reputation of being the world’s best Trump wrangler but right now it’s hard to see we have got that much in return.

It could just be that Keir used his best bargaining chip long ago when he offered the president a state visit on the first date. That’s the only thing The Donald has ever really wanted from us. We gave it away too cheaply.
- John Crace in The Guardian

Amen.