To gay or not to gay?

Should you go gay with your male friends to attract women? The pros and cons

Gay hockey drama Heated Rivalry has been a massive hit with women, so would straight men wanting to pull benefit from a change in sexual orientation? Here’s what you should consider first.

Sex can ruin a friendship
People often report that friendships are never the same after you’ve slept with someone. But that’s with women and men lack any form of emotional complexity. So chances are you’ll have sex with your mate Steve and a few hours later it’ll be overshadowed by a heated debate in the pub about the best flavour of crisp.

Your male friends may not be attractive enough
You may – correctly – feel that your male friends are munters and you could do a lot better. It’s one thing saying everyone is beautiful inside when you’re trying to sound liberal, it’s another when you’ve got to bum Gareth. Still, as men have pointed out for years: "You don’t look at the mantelpiece when you’re poking the fire."

You’ll need to find time for all the gay and straight sex
Most orifices are similar, despite what unadventurous girlfriends may claim, so the actual sex shouldn’t be a problem. The challenge will be finding time to have sex with your male friends AND all the female hotties who’ll fancy you now you’re gay. Always be on the lookout for time efficiencies, such as nipping into the toilets of your local for a quickie with Darren while they’re changing the barrel.

Women may turn out to be hypocrites about shagging a gay man
As well as the guys in Heated Rivalry, women often like gay men in general. But there’s still a risk that when you try to pull women after turning gay they won’t be into it, because you’re gay. You don’t know what’s worse – the hypocrisy, the homophobia, or Simon’s clueless blowjobs.

You will have to make big lifestyle changes
It’s always felt slightly prejudiced to you, but gay men have a reputation for dressing well, so you’ll have to buy some smart jackets and trousers that actually fit. In addition, you’ll need to start listening to ostensibly gay music, and if you’re not into Gloria Gaynor, Taylor Swift, Scissor Sisters, Pet Shop Boys, etc. this will be a pain in the arse, so to speak. Just keep telling yourself it’ll be worth it for all the muff.

You don’t fancy men
This is probably the biggest obstacle to turning gay, and may affect your ability to perform in the bedroom. At least if you can’t get it up with a woman they’re usually really nice about it, but the same isn’t true of your mates, who’ll mercilessly take the piss in the pub. Your erectile dysfunction is unlikely to be helped by shouts of ‘BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY!’.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

---

STOP PRESS:

The gnomes at Google HQ have deemed this post to contain such objectionable material that they have put it behind a content warning.

I might just change the presumably "offensive" still from a commercially-available television programme to one of two men fisting. That'll teach the twats!

UPDATE:

Maybe they read my message above, or maybe an actual human being read this post - because the content warning has now been lifted...