Friday, 21 August 2026

You can't escape the groove

I'm still on holiday, dear reader, so - apart from the fact that the clock is ticking towards the inevitable conclusion of a fortnight of hedonism - I couldn't give a fuck that the weekend is looming, tbh.

However, to get into the usual routine, there is indeed a whole raft of birthdays of notable people today, including the much-missed Princess Margaret, Dame Janet Baker [still with us, thankfully, aged 93], Joe Strummer, Christopher Robin (Milne), Jackie DeShannon, Usain Bolt [40 today], Aubrey Beardsley, Count Basie, King William IV, Friz Freleng, Kenny Rogers, Budgie of Siouxsie and the Banshees, Donald Dewar, Lili Boulanger, Kelis, Cliff Adams, Barry Norman, Jack Weston, Clarence Williams III, Kim Cattrall, Kim Sledge of Sister Sledge, gangster Bugs Moran, King Mohammed VI of Morocco, Liam Howlett of The Prodigy, Dina Carroll, the world's oldest verified living person Ethel Caterham [of Hampshire, UK] (117 today!)...

...and the delightfully tight-trousered Patrick Juvet!

Without further ado, let's play his timeless, most memorable hit, shall we?

Thank Disco It's Friday!

Thursday, 20 August 2026

Nieuwe muziek om van te genieten

Having come in from the extensive gardens here at Dolores Delargo Towers, a) because a blanket of cloud has loomed in and there is rain forecast, and b) because I'm almost out of compost so can't embark on any more (much-needed) potting-on until I get to B&M for a new bag - I think it's time for another selection of choons that have caught my ear of late:

First up, a welcome (and unexpected) return of a fave diva, who doesn't seem to have stopped working since her first single hit the charts 62 years ago:

The new single from Soft Cell's forthcoming final album [to be released as a tribute to the late Dave Ball] Danceteria is simply fab, as one would expect:

It's so good to see 80s heartthrob Nick Heyward and the original members of the band together again - and that he's still looking so handsome, at (gulp) 65:

DJ Cummerbund's latest mash-up is yet another wonderful conglomeration of unexpected artists - and that "ginger guinea-pig" Ed Sheeran never sounded so good (mainly because he isn't in it much)!

Artists featured:
  1. Ringo Starr & his friends
  2. The other Beatles
  3. Ed Sheeran
  4. Randy “Macho Man” Savage
  5. Baby Sinclair
  6. Shakira
  7. Earl Sinclair
  8. Fran Sinclair
  9. Sebastian
  10. Robbie Sinclair
  11. Flounder
  12. Some Muppets
  13. Charlene Sinclair
  14. Ariel

Our latest fave pop diva is getting a bit fruity - in a lift!

And, saving the best to last... the collaboration we've all been waiting for, as the Queen of Fucking Everything and Our Princess finally duet! And to think, had we been in Amsterdam a week earlier, we might have been able to see this...

...and this mix for the single release is just pure class:

As ever, dear reader, I'd love to hear your thoughts...

Wednesday, 19 August 2026

They’re just more noticeable when they barely have any clothes on

Only attractive people with toned, fit bodies are truly enjoying the summer.

The hot weather has been welcomed by winners of the genetic lottery as a chance to flaunt their good looks, unlike regular and ugly people who find it a test of endurance with added body-shaming.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It’s no coincidence you mostly see stunners wearing bikinis in the park or frolicking in the surf. The Morlocks of society are all hiding away, luckily.

“Like squirrels in winter, anyone less than an eight effectively goes into hibernation during summer. And that’s a good thing. It’s better for their mental health that they avoid the parade of beautiful, nubile flesh they don’t have a chance of pulling.

“A few who lack self-awareness might try sunbathing, but fortunately society’s cruel mockery drives them safely back indoors.

“It’s important that hot people are left alone. Summer is their mating season. The last thing their fragile, sexy ecosystem needs is uggos killing the vibe with their weird, chunky bodies and pig-like faces.

“Admittedly, sexy people have a better time in spring, autumn and winter too. They’re just more noticeable when they barely have any clothes on.”

Attractive person Ellie Shaw said: “We’re not trying to exclude the runts. That’s why we bombard social media with our beautiful, unobtainable figures. You’re welcome!”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

I couldn't resist reposting this...


FOOTNOTE:

In complete contrast to yesterday's post, this one took just 40 minutes to show up in the Blogger Reading List.

Lo and behold - almost 24 hours after I published it, that post about our Amsterdam trip arrived at exactly the same time!

I despair.

Tuesday, 18 August 2026

Vanaf vandaag gaan wij weer dansen *

What a fantastic trip we had to our beloved Amsterdam! And, for a change, there were five of us, as the usual "Tarts on Tour" (Me, Madam Arcati, Baby Steve and Houseboy Alex) we were joined by John-John - which made it all the more fun, as we were able to introduce him to things that he didn't see when he was there last [which was for my 50th birthday - gulp - thirteen years ago!]...

Five days of people-watching by day (at Trinity Cafe opposite our hotel on Oudezijds Voorburgwal, or St James Gate on Rembrandtplein, or the bar formerly known as the much-missed Amstel Taveerne, now The Mill), drinking, eating FEBO and at Eetsalon Van Dobben, wandering the grachten, more drinking, and generally enjoying ourselves - bliss.

We paid tribute to my favourite building in Amsterdam, the Tuschinski Theatre:


[click any pic to embiggen]

We "went true Dutch" at traditional bars such as De Haven van Texel, with its beautiful canal-side view, and the historic bruine kroegen ("brown café") Café Hoppe on the wonderfully-named Spui [the square at the end of the shopping street Kalverstraat; we went there for a welcome beer after trekking round loads of stores including C&A (a clothing shop that was beloved in the UK until it closed all its branches in 2000), and coming away with nothing]. We even spent an afternoon at Amsterdam's botanical garden Hortus Botanicus - with its fascinating butterfly house:

Our gorgeous student boys were back, getting up to their usual hi-jinks [often with their tops off, but we have no photo evidence of that, unfortunately] for their equivalent of "Freshers' Week":

We [obviously!] spent a few nights in some of our fave gay bars, including The Queen's Head [which, we discovered, really only comes into its own on weekends nowadays], the sleazy-and-fab Spijker Bar, and the ever-friendly and jolly Café Montmartre [now in another new location, as part of the busy "gay village" in Reguliersdwarsstraat, and renamed "Montmartre XL"].

Our very favourite of all is - of course - the oldest gay bar in Amsterdam [and possibly the world] Cafe 't Mandje, and its raucous traditional Sunday lunchtime Dutch sing-alongs:

On our very last day, before catching our plane, it was off to the Zeedijk again for the utterly joyous Hartjesdag festival, with its street party, complete with a free breakfast on trestle tables the length of the street, more traditional sing-alongs, followed by the traditional men-dressed-as-women and women-dressed-as-men parade! We love it:

Only one thing marred the celebratory mood, however. Our lovely hosts Karl and Josef at Hotel Anco - where we have stayed every year for at least a decade - are retiring, have put the business up for sale and have a new apartment just around the corner on De Wallen! How very, very sad. They've been like family to us. We have put our reservation in for next year just in case, but Karl said he will let us know if the situation changes [if it is no longer a hotel by then, for instance].

Now... what did we miss while we were away?


Our "colander obscura" captured dozens of little crescents, as the moon obscured the sun

But... did I bring anything back for your delectation, dear reader?

Of course - one of the Netherlands' most popular singers, whose songs were being played all over the place while we were there:

Is it good to be back?

NO!

[Vanaf vandaag gaan wij weer dansen = "From today we will dance again"; part of the lyrics of one of Mr Bronkhorst's songs in that medley, Kom allemaal maar in mijn armen]


UPDATE 6.05pm, Wednesday 19th August

I posted this at about 8pm yesterday, and it still hasn't shown up in the Blogger Reading List!

I tell you one thing I haven't missed, and that's the bastard Google gnomes and their broken systems.

Thursday, 13 August 2026

Amsterdam vult mijn gedachten


Tarts on Tour! [click to embiggen]

By the time you see this, dear reader, we should be winging our way to my favourite city on earth [after London] - Amsterdam! What better way to mark the occasion than with this glittering version of one of that city's greatest "anthems"?

Aan de Amsterdamse grachten
heb ik heel mijn hart voor altijd verpand.
Amsterdam vult mijn gedachten,
als de mooiste stad in ons land.
Al die Amsterdamse mensen,
al die lichtjes 's avonds laat op het plein.
Niemand kan zich beter wensen
dan een Amsterdammer te zijn.

How fab is that?!

["Normal" service will resume after we get back on Monday night, dear reader!]

Wednesday, 12 August 2026

The pingelepingelepingelepingelepong you never realised you needed in your life


Yes! A Swarovski clog...

As the countdown nears its close - and we gather our skirts to get the gardens watered, the house in order for the Essex boys' arrival later, and to pack our bags for Amsterdam tomorrow, we need another dose of sing-a-long Dutch music to keep us going.

What better than one of our house favourites here at Dolores Delargo Towers, the fantabulosa Jasperina de Jong?

All together now..!

Wij willen geen nicotine, wij willen de mandoline
Van je pingelepingelepingelepingelepong
Picknicken is zo fijn
Niks pikken voor de lijn
Dat mag voor ons overbodig zijn

Jo met de banjo, en Lien met de mandoline
Kaatje met 'r mondharmonikaatje
Truitje met 'r luitje, je moet dat cluppie zien
Dol op een man, dol op een man
We zijn zo dol op een mandoline

Indeed.

Tuesday, 11 August 2026

Ga je zingen, ga je dansen of je wil of niet?

Just two days to go...

...and no countdown to our trip to Amsterdam [on Thursday] would be complete without featuring our beloved "Dutch Super-Group" De Toppers! Especially with a medley of our fave Amsterdam songs [that I may have featured here once or twice, or more, previously...]:

Tracklist:

  • Geef Mij Maar Amsterdam
  • Een Pikketanussie
  • Aan De Voet Van De Oude Wester
  • Oh Johnny
  • Zo, Zo, Zo Is De Jordaan
  • Bij Ons In De Jordaan

Magnifiek! We love De Toppers.

We love Amsterdam!

Monday, 10 August 2026

I'd like to sup with my baby tonight

Yes, it's Monday. However, for a change, I don't care - because I'm on holiday...

...and it's my birthday!

Let's celebrate [and it is a Tacky Music Monday, after all] with a fantabulosa [and appropriate, given the weather] number from our Patron Saint Prime, and the sexiest ballet dancer after Nureyev:

Have a good week, dear reader.


STOP PRESS, 9.40pm:

In their continuing effort to completely piss the blogging community off, the bloody Google gnomes have still failed to fix the ongoing problems with their Reading List. I published a post yesterday at 7pm, and this one today at 9.30am - and neither has yet shown up in the feeds! Bastards.

Sunday, 9 August 2026

They all want me, they can't have me, so they all come and dance beside me

I've spent a fruitful several hours out in the extensive gardens here at Dolores Delargo Towers - in the midst of the UK's fifth heatwave this year! - watering, tidying, and generally getting things prepared for us being away for five days from Thursday. Hopefully it may have cooled down again by then, but you never know...

Throughout the day, I have (inevitably) been accompanied by the ever-reliable BBC Radio 2. However, just now I was jolted out of my reverie when I heard this one playing, and realised that I was listening to Pick of the Pops, and the charts from THIRTY YEARS AGO! Fuck.

After that shock to the system, I thought - let's add insult to injury, and revisit a whole selection of hits that are of exactly the same vintage...

Three decades?

Sob.

Saturday, 8 August 2026

Fascinating rhythm locked me on the groove

Sad news today that the music production genius William Orbit has departed - far too soon, aged just 69 - for the "Ambient Trance Party Lounge" in Fabulon...

His "sound" was unmistakeable - and he gave a boost to the careers of several of our most cherished artists, not least Queen Madge. Here's a selection of faves here at Dolores Delargo Towers, by way of a tribute to his talent!

A fantabulosa legacy!

RIP, Mr Orbit.

Friday, 7 August 2026

Tijd voor een feestje

We are in a very celebratory mood here at Dolores Delargo Towers.

It is almost the weekend - as always, that is cause for joy in itself - but this one is particularly special, for come 4pm this afternoon I will not be back in the benighted office for a fortnight!

Once again, my birthday is almost upon us, and next Thursday Madam Arcati, Baby Steve, Houseboy Alex, John-John and I are off to my beloved Amsterdam for five nights of high jinks, merriment, eating FEBO and wandering the grachten. Wonderbaar!

By way of a celebration, here's The Netherlands' finest Queen of Disco herself, Miss Anita Meyer:

[I think the biggest question here is "Why are they dancing in a swimming pool?"]

Dank disco is het vrijdag!


FOOTNOTE:

I'm still coming down to earth after seeing the brilliant Spider-Man: Brand New Day on the big screen in Leicester Square with John-John last night. Not just one of the very best Marvel superhero films I have seen, but one of the best films I've seen in ages...

Superhero films never win top Oscars, that much is an established tradition (for some reason or other), but amidst the "biff! pow!" action [and there's no shortage of that!], there's some damned good acting here. It makes the characters more human, and judging by the genuine gasps and murmurs amongst last night's audience (as well as my own reaction), carries some genuinely relatable emotional heft.

Do try and see it, dear reader. It's definitely worth it!

Thursday, 6 August 2026

Totty of the Day

John-John and I are off this evening to see the new Spider-Man: Brand New Day!

I'm taking some wet-wipes.

Wednesday, 5 August 2026

Of venerable gardeners, giant rodents, knickers, jelly blobs and funky jumpsuits - and mayhem!


Phlox paniculata "Blue Boy" is the most magnificently-scented bloom in the gardens at the moment - even outdoing our Nicotiana sylvestris..!

It's another snippets post, dear reader:

  • National treasure news: The much-revered Geoff Hamilton, host of BBC Gardener's World for seventeen years through the late 70s, the 80s and early 90s, died 30 years ago this week (and would have been 90 years old next weekend). Needless to say, the show he presented for so long had a rather good tribute to him by current co-presenter and Chelsea-winning garden designer Adam Frost - himself once Geoff's apprentice - and we also watched another special programme Monty Don Remembers... Geoff Hamilton just the other day. Here's the man himself in action:

  • Order, order! news: A Brazilian legislative assembly was rudely interrupted - by a group of capybaras! Beats bloody "Just Stop Oil" protesters throwing orange powder, I suppose...
  • Naughty knickers, shock! horror! news: Middle England has been clutching its pearls in shock at the news that the high street's most reliable, middle-of-the road store Marks & Spencer has started selling crotchless panties from a range by sex shop Ann Summers! Whatever next - poppers on sale in the "ready-meal" aisle?
  • Don't eat the jelly! news: Thousands of bright electric blue sea creatures, thought to be "sea rafts" - related to the Portuguese Man'o'War but not as deadly - have been blown off-course from their usual tropical warm sea habitat, and washed up on a beach in Cumbria in northern England!
  • And finally: RIP, David Z. Who? I hear you ask. Not only was he the principal studio engineer whose work transformed the early recording career of Prince (and was credited for creating the sound that launched the Purple One to mega-success), not only did he produce the magnificent She Drives Me Crazy for Fine Young Cannibals (which broke the band in the US, hitting #1 over there)... he was also one of the geniuses behind THIS!

And the weather? Still dry, not as hot as it has been - but so incredibly blustery I came home to find a whole branch of the bastard weed tree had snapped off and landed on top of the plants at the top of the extensive gardens here at Dolores Delargo Towers! Not much damage done, thank goodness, and The Madam's chopped it up and thrown it over next-door where it belongs [they're actually away, thank gawd, so we have some peace]!


FOOTNOTE:

Mayhem, Lesson 1 to 6 - incriminating evidence from Hils' 60th birthday party!

In case you were wondering what we were all staggering about dancing to - it's this!

It truly wouldn't be one of our parties without it...

Tuesday, 4 August 2026

Why drink water when a freshly-brewed pot of Tetley’s is available?

Britain's grandmothers are concerned repeated heatwaves are tempting the foolish towards unhealthy chilled drinks and away from traditional scalding beverages.

Our wise elders have warned the country that even in 33-degree temperatures, they should remember the best way to cool down is with a big mug of nice hot tea.

Grandmother of eight Margaret Gerving said: “Hydrating? My grandfather served 22 years in the British Raj, and he never hydrated once. He stuck to hot tea.

“I’m all for this keeping curtains and windows closed all day, though I don’t hold with this opening them at night. But why drink water when a freshly-brewed pot of Tetley’s is available? That’s quenching.

“We had summers twice as hot as this, popping tar bubbles and frying eggs in them, and the kettle was never off. Tea heats up the body which has a cooling effect, it’s common sense proved by top scientists like Heinz Wolff.

“Tea is the most suitable drink to consume in all weathers and for all occasions. If you’re fancy you can have coffee. Either way, remember the golden rule and keep it piping. Also, for lunch, think about a stew.”

Grandson Kayden Gerving said: “When I die I go to heaven, for I have already served my time in hell sipping tea at my nan’s house in 44 degree temperatures. With 'Tipping Point' on.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Monday, 3 August 2026

Of Witches and Tricycles


The Witches of Eastwick! [click to embiggen]

On this day in history: "in fourteen hundred and ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue", setting off from Spain with three ships on his way to make his ground-breaking "discovery" of the Americas; in 1778 La Scala opera house opened in Milan; in 1858 the source of the Nile (Lake Victoria) was discovered; in 1914 Germany declared war on France; in 1936 Jesse Owens gave Hitler's "master-race" ideals a kicking by winning the first of four gold medals at the Berlin Olympics... and, in 1966, my sister was born!

When my father woke me on that fateful day (I was three years old), he said "We've got you an early birthday present. It's a baby sister.". I cried, and said "I wanted a tricycle!"

In tribute to my 60 years of resentment, here's an appropriate song - and the tackiest choice for a Tacky Music Monday in ages. I dedicate it to Hils...

My ears hurt.

Have a good week, dear reader.


STOP PRESS, 12.23am:

My last few posts arrived in the Blogger Reading List practically as soon as I pressed the "publish" button. Thus, it remains a mystery why this particular one has completely failed to do so, ELEVEN HOURS later. Bastard Google Gnomes!


STOP PRESS #2, 9.20am:

It still hasn't shown up. Arseholes.

Sunday, 2 August 2026

Chairs!

It's been a hectic weekend, dear reader!

My sister Hils' 60th birthday party last night was a fantabulosa, excessive occasion, as one would expect. Today, in full recovery mode, I didn't even get up until 3pm!

By that time, Madam Arcati, his sister Carol and niece Jen were already ensconced in Wetherspoons for lunch, so, after doing some emergency watering of some of the more desperate, drooping plants in the garden, what else could I do but join them..?

After all that, all I can do, really, is hand over to a word from our sponsor:

Nothing exceeds like excess, they say...

Music: Henrik Nielsen - Skylight Room]

Saturday, 1 August 2026

You know I dress for every situation


[click to embiggen]

Awwww...

It's my ickle baby sister's SIXTIETH BIRTHDAY party today!

Not so "ickle" nowadays, of course:

By way of a little tribute, this - that she and I used to dance to at the long-gone Lazers nightclub "Bowie/Roxy" nights in Newport way back in the early 1980s...

Great (if distant) memories...

Happy Birthday, Hils!! We'll all be there tonight to celebrate your dotage...😂