Monday, 21 September 2026

Lo que pidas muy barato lo doy*

Grrrr... Back to the office. Back to reality.

After a very pleasant weekend - Saturday doing fuck all, and yesterday spent absorbing the joyful musings of an erudite panel on the meaning and influence of divas on the lives of generations of gay men (and lesbians and others in the "alphabet soup" of labels these days) at the Southbank Centre - it's time for a wake-up call!

Who better to provide it on a Tacky Music Monday than one of those very divas - Spain's finest, one of our cherished Patron Saints, "La Leyenda" Señorita Sara Montiel (and her safety gays)?!

Fab-u-lous!

Have a good week, dear reader...

[* "Lo que pidas muy barato lo doy" = "I sell it really cheap" in Spanish; a lyric from the song]

Sunday, 20 September 2026

Pictures came and broke your heart


Being adored must be such a burden for a diva

The Madam, John-John and I are off early (for a Sunday) for a most intriguing event this afternoon - a panel discussion at the Southbank Centre hosted by our old friend Rupert Smith titled "Why Do Benders Love Divas?".

Why indeed? We know already, of course, but it'll be interesting to hear what panellists Neil Bartlett, Sadie Lee, David McAlmont and Travis Alabanza have to say about it.

Meanwhile, speaking of "divas"...

...how about a little "Sunday Music", courtesy of our "house band" - and a vocalist who takes on the legendary Freddie Mercury's vocal theatrics very well, but on a most unlikely song indeed:

Enjoy!

Saturday, 19 September 2026

De nouveaux morceaux

It's a gloomy, grey, blustery day here in London, so what better to take our minds off it than a selection of some of the "newer" music that has caught my ear of late?

Let's open with a corker! Courtesy of Mr DeVice, who flagged it up in his own blog just recently, the latest from our current "fave eccentrics" is faboo, of course:

Striking a more mellow tone, the latest release from Soft Cell's final album Danceteria is a melancholic trip down memory lane for Marc Almond, and is rather lovely:

Now for something completely different! A new discovery, courtesy of BBC Radio 3's esoteric Late Junction programme - here's a jolly number from one of Mali's finest artistes:

Another excellent mash-up from the genius Mr Bill McClintock:

From the familiar to something totally bizarre... I love this!

And, saving the best to last [despite the lack of a video] - the 'Boys rip the piss out of a dictator. Brilliantly:


Who washes Putin’s underpants?
Who has to keep them clean
deep in the bowels of his residence
in a top secret washing machine?

Who keeps his secrets secret?
Is nothing or everything true?
Is he fatally ill or strong as a horse
impossible to know or get close to?

When he poisons an opponent’s underpants
does he laugh at his brilliant scheme
knowing he’s got to the root of the problem
deadly but somehow obscene?

Is it difficult to sleep at night?
Does he always sleep alone
with nightmares of a prison cell
summoned to be be judged and to atone?

No, he’ll get away with anything
like Stalin and Peter the Great
He’s the only one that ever matters
He knows what he must dictate

Meanwhile his underpants are washed
by a loyal woman or man
and his secrets will be secret until
that one unfortunate day his shit hits the fan

As ever, I love to hear your thoughts, dear reader...

Friday, 18 September 2026

Going, Going...

Another dire week in work staggers to its conclusion - and we need to get ourselves in the party mood!

How about this unexpected hit from this week - gulp - forty-seven years ago?

Who would have thought that the "King of Crooners" - who is 91 years old at the end of this month - would ever have ventured into the glittering world of the discotheque, to such great effect..?

Thank Disco It's Friday!

Have a great weekend, dear reader!

Thursday, 17 September 2026

The fast pace of technology

At last!

Only NINE DAYS after it broke - the Blogger Reading List is back!

[UPDATE, 17.30pm: Well, I say back... It is indeed now showing everything up until yesterday. This post from this morning, however? Not yet...]

Wednesday, 16 September 2026

Of bloomers, lost rooms, George, a London village, freak mice and Marcia dancing


Our Nerine bowdenii has flowered for the very first time in five years, and has cheered the garden up just as everything else is starting to look a bit tired [click any pic to embiggen]

It's another snippets post, dear reader:

  • Behind closed doors no more news: A gallery at the Natural History Museum has reopened to the public today after 83 years [having been used since WWII as the storeroom for an archival collection of dried plants]! The new exhibition Nature and Us is the first of many new galleries planned to open in the run-up to the venerable institution's 150th birthday in 2031.
  • Will they ever be "Putting It Together"? news: After all the hype that Wicked co-stars Ariana Grande and the gorgeous Jonathan Bailey were to star in the latest attempt to revive Sondheim's Sunday in the Park with George at The Barbican Centre next year [for which I had earmarked our Theatre Tokens - a Xmas gift from Mother - to buy tickets as soon as they were released], plans have gone tits-up! First Milady Ariana decided to "take a step back from visibility" after a barrage of social media scrutiny about her appearance and health. Now Mr Bailey has withdrawn from the project, and it has been cancelled! After the ill-fated plan for the previous Broadway production starring Jake Gyllenhall to "cross the pond" was thwarted by the COVID pandemic, we're beginning to wonder if we'll ever get to see a big production of the show in this country at all...

  • Farewell to "London's seaside village" news: Gabriel's Wharf [pictured above], one of the quirkiest, most artisanal and unexpected places along the South Bank of the Thames - a collection of jolly hand-painted "shed-like" shops, bars and restaurants, huddled in a sort-of-village-square, complete with bandstand - is to be demolished at the end of this month, to make way for redevelopment (with proposals to build a nursing home on the site) after 40 years of operation. What a shame. Gentrification gone mad!
  • Frankenstein or Danger Mouse? news: Eek! Neuroscientists in the US have successfully adapted mice to have part-human part-mouse brains. "These are not mice that think like humans", according to the scientists. Gosh, that's reassuring. The mouse we currently have under our bookcase [thanks, most likely, to having the back door open to cool down during all the heatwaves this summer] isn't actually reading our books and planning a world takeover! Like A.I. Only smaller.
  • And finally: RIP, Mademoiselle Catherine Ringer. Who? I hear you ask. She was an avant-garde artist, performer and jazz singer, and one of the musical geniuses behind this beloved house fave here at Dolores Delargo Towers! [In fact, she wrote the song.]

Now I have that as an earworm for the rest of the week.

And the weather? Not bad at all - some good bursts of sunshine today. Make the most of it while we can - it's the Autumn Equinox next week!

Tuesday, 15 September 2026

The ravings of an addled old man on a golf jolly

A US president’s suggestion that Ireland should reunify as soon as possible would have triggered riots, terrorism and political crisis if he were not a shite-spouting halfwit.

In any other circumstances than the president being a gaga eejit with no idea what he is even saying as it dribbles out of his mendacious mouth, the statement would have caused a major diplomatic row and significant unrest.

Taioseach Micheál Martin said: “Even the paramilitaries are calling bullshit on this one.

“Imagine if a proper president had said it. It would spark sectarian violence, angry disavowals from politicians, Andy Burnham desperately trying to calm things down. I mean, Belfast. It’s any excuse to throw a petrol bomb up there.

“But thankfully both sides were able to take into account this was nothing more than the ravings of an addled old man on a golf jolly and of no more import than a drunk mumbling in the corner of a Doonbeg bar.”


Emma Little-Pengelly of the DUP said: “And the way he said it? ‘One of the naturals of all time is to put them together’? Are we sure he wasn’t thinking of Sydney Sweeney’s diddies?”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[As for his latest rant: "The only control or 'guardrails' that AI needs is a STRONG AND SMART (High IQ!) PRESIDENT, and the U.S.A. has that, in spades!" (which would have made me hoot - bar for the fact that he's so fucking deluded he really does think that ignoring the experts is wise) - The Mash has something to say about that, too!]


FOOTNOTE:

Speaking of rants, this is my latest missive to the bastard Google gnomes, using the "feedback" button on Blogger...

Congratulations! SEVEN DAYS - and the Blogger Reading List is still broken! SEVEN DAYS - and not one person in the whole of Google has said anything about it! No apologies. No press announcements. Nothing. It's as if people who use your systems are irrelevant. Sad, really.

They won't read it, nor will they do anything, of course - but it makes me feel better.

Monday, 14 September 2026

Let Go

Having heard the very sad news that Mr Bob Mackie has sewn on his last sequin and departed for Fabulon - see my tribute over at the Dolores Delargo Museum of Camp - I just knew I would have to post at least one of the gazillion outrageously OTT outfits for which he was famous in action this Tacky Music Monday...

...so how about one of my absolute favourites?

Miss Mitzi Gaynor - whose 95th birthday it would have been on 4th September - never had a better frock to shimmy in!

RIP, Mr Mackie.

Have a good week, dear reader.

Sunday, 13 September 2026

And did those feet in ancient times

The BBC Proms, the world's biggest classical music festival - more than 80 concerts over more than two months, up and down the country, covering everything from Marvin Gaye to Mahler, Puccini to Prog Rock, Disney to Dvořák - certainly knows how to throw a party to say "goodbye".

The Last Night of the Proms is an institution, when all the rules are thrown out of the window, and we love it! Last night's Last Night was no exception. Admittedly, we did miss the first half [including that Dvořák aria], but it is the second half - leading up to the flag-waving finale - that matters most, so we weren't too upset.

It opened with a bang - of course - with the much-anticipated tribute To Dolly, With Love, opening with an uplifting singalong 9 to 5 led by Sheridan Smith, Jolene sung by country duo Ward Thomas, and the most fantastic version of I Will Always Love You by Beverley Knight, who (wisely) avoided the temptation to do the horrid "Whitney Wibble" version, and stuck to Dolly's own far more gentle arrangement [Bev has starred in the stage adaptation of The Bodyguard, so it was a blessed relief to us]. Truly amazing.

In a jolt to the emotions, we went straight from that into a venture into British patriotic music [ahead of things to come], with Jupiter, the Bringer of Jollity from Holst's The Planets, including a burst of its vocal version I Vow To Thee, My Country in the middle. It would have been a bit better had the over-excited Promenaders not let off rocket balloons just as it hit its quietest, most beautiful moments. "Quiet" isn't exactly, however, an adjective that could be applied to much of Alexander Tsfasman's Jazz Suite for Piano and Orchestra that followed. With the masterful piano artistry of Yuja Wang, this suite veered everywhere from Shostakovitch- or Weill-esque jazziness to Rachmaninov-style orchestral lushness. A tour-de-force!

Then it was back to the party, as the delightfully camp tenor Nicky Spence embarked upon a remarkable medley of Scottish songs, Scotch Snap, which incorporated such unlikely bedfellows as My Love is Like a Red, Red, Rose, Roamin’ in the Gloamin’ and Loch Lomond with Donald, Where’s Yer Troosers?, the Proclaimers' 5000 Miles, and even (for some reason) Yes Sir, I Can Boogie - including a "reveal" when Mr Spence's trousers ripped off to expose tartan trews beneath, (of course) a bagpipe player, and lots of energetic dancing [Nicky's a mover, even given his fuller figure!] and flirting going on. It was hilarious!

Only the Last Night programmers could possibly have followed that with a world premiere of a new choral work by former Art of Noise alumnus and film music composer Anne Dudley, Iris of Life - a melancholic and somewhat eclectic piece that I doubt will be referred to in posterity as a "classic". But we were soon distracted from all that by the return of Nicky Spence for a rip-roaring take on Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat from Guys'n'Dolls. Faboo! If all that was the aperitif, the "full meal" launched soon after with the traditional opener, Sir Henry Wood's Fantasia on British Sea Songs, culminating in Mr Spence's triumphant and full-voiced return for Arne's Rule, Britannia! - dressed in a full OTT Scottish outfit, replete with a Loch Ness monster across his shoulders... and a concealed rainbow flag in his kilt!

Next up, the biggest of all Last Night sing-a-longs, Elgar's Pomp and Circumstance March No. 1, better known, of course, as Land of Hope and Glory - the national anthem this country never had, but should have! We were hoarse by the end of it.

Conductor Sakari Oramo took the opportunity in his traditional speech to both praise the greatness and goodness of Dolly Parton, and to lay into A.I. at the same time. To him, it should stand for Authentic Integrity: music that’s live, acoustic and imperfect. Bravo! The speech was, of course, merely the lead-in to that universal favourite, Parry's Jerusalem [cue more singing-along here at Dolores Delargo Towers], then - all rise! - the National Anthem, and, with the ever-engaging Auld Lang Syne, that was it for another year...

A night of pure enjoyment and pure pride.

Unusually, this year the Beeb has not posted any footage nor clips from the evening on YouTube, just on its own iPlayer. Thankfully, one enterprising fan has grabbed the whole two hours of the second half, so I do have something to share with you, dear reader [until Auntie's lawyers get it deleted, of course]. Hopefully you can see it in your country (and skip through it to see the highlights, as you see fit):

[UPDATE, 17th September: All gone from the Interwebs. Auntie Beeb's snoopers work fast!]

Same time, same place, next year? I think so!

Saturday, 12 September 2026

The Prom, Prom, Prom! Where the brass bands play, "Tiddely-om-pom-pom!"

That great herald of the end of the Summer Season, the Last Night of the Proms is upon us tonight!

A highlight of our own "Social Calendar" every year, in the absence of the fab party Proms in the Park (RIP), Madam Arcati and I are settling in at home - with enough buffet food to feed the entire battalion of Grenadier Guards - flags at the ready, to sing along to all the old favourite patriotic songs that compse the finale.

Of course, there's lots to look forward to in the full concert, including a tribute to Dolly Parton(!), and also on the bill, this [here sung by Eric Herrero; our tenor for the evening will be Nicky Spence]:

I can't wait!

Friday, 11 September 2026

Sho’nuff!

I'd just about had enough of this bloody week at work by about 11am today, but it just got busier.... I am so glad to see the back of it!

As the weekend beckons we need something to get us into the party mode, and what could be more appropriate than one of those - ahem - fabulously-choreographed routines by the 1970s "national treasures" Legs & Co? Here they are, flapping around in their peignoirs (for some reason), to an irresistible dance classic.

Thank Disco It's Friday!

Get up and stand up
Strut your funky stuff, sho’nuff
Get up and stand up
Strut your funky stuff, sho’nuff
Get up and stand up
Strut your funky stuff, sho’nuff
Get up and stand up

How you gonna be the attraction
If you wanna stick to the wall
Invite yourself a piece of the action
You got to get up to that and ring the bell
You got to know we got to go
Get up and dance down the...
(Here we go, here we go)

Get up and stand up
Strut your funky stuff, sho’nuff
Get up and stand up

What you doing there in the corner
Sitting by yourself in the dark
You don't really wanna be a loner
Come on now get up and dance
You got ants in your pants
Can't sit still the beat'll get your feet
The record spins to the funky disco beat
(That's right, that's right)

Get up and stand up
Strut your funky stuff, sho’nuff
Get up and stand up
Strut your funky stuff, sho’nuff
Get up and stand up
Strut your funky stuff, sho’nuff
Get up and stand up

Have a good weekend, dear reader!

[If you ever see this, of course, given that the bastard gnomes at Google have still not fixed the Blogger Reading List. It hasn't updated at all in over 48 hours! I despair.]

Thursday, 10 September 2026

Food, Glorious Food?

Dinner is served!

Yum.


FOOTNOTE:

It is now more than twenty-four hours since I published yesterday's post - and it still hasn't shown up in the Reading List!

If this carries on, I'll be wearing Sundar Pichai's bollocks for earrings!!

Wednesday, 9 September 2026

Of ballet, Trekkies, Old Masters, Morph, Freddie, a boa and a TV legend departs


RIP, choreographer Sir Richard Alston - his boys always could get their legs up higher, and wider, than anyone else!

It's another snippets post, dear reader:

  • To boldly go news: Happy birthday, Star Trek - which celebrated its 60th anniversary yesterday, with a series of events worldwide. Remarkably, our very own "super-fan" on Blogger Mr DeVice didn't even emerge from the wilderness in which he's been languishing since August to celebrate it!

  • I still reckon that's Murray Melvin! news: In a groundbreaking new exhibition at the National Gallery, all nine portraits by the Northern Renaissance master Jan Van Eyck will be on display together for the very first time, including his famous "Arnolfini portrait" (above [click to embiggen]). Van Eyck: The Portraits runs at the National Gallery from 21st November 2026 to 11th April 2027.
  • Your very own Gromit news: Action figures and original models of some of the world's favourite stop-motion on-screen characters from the creative geniuses at Aardman Animations, such as "Morph", "Wallace and Gromit" and "Sean the Sheep", will be going under the hammer in an online auction to mark the studio's 50th anniversary, ending on 24 September 2026. Get your bid in quick for "Feathers McGraw"..!
  • Ready, Freddie! news: Eight of Freddie Mercury’s most memorable stage costumes are going on display at the V&A this autumn to mark his 80th anniversary year, including the “Mercury Wing” catsuit he wore in the Bohemian Rhapsody video, and the crown and cloak he wore on tour with Queen in the 80s. The Freddie Mercury: Splendid Things trail will include displays across the whole museum, and opens on 24th October 2026.
  • Hissing Sid Siegfried? news: There was an major audition held at the New York Metropolitan Opera last weekend - for the role of a snake! A boa constrictor named Princess won. Not John Hamm...

And the weather? Erratic. Yesterday, it lashed it down all day, then brightened up early evening. Today, it's been lovely (on and off) again - but much cooler than it was on the weekend.


  • And finally: We here at Dolores Delargo Towers are distraught at the announcement that Monty Don is leaving Gardeners World at the end of the current series - after being at the helm [with a hiatus for ill-health] since 2003!

    No matter who takes over when he retires, things will never be the same again...

So soothing. So brilliant. So irreplaceable.

Tuesday, 8 September 2026

Choices, choices

Speculation as to where Harry and Meghan will make their UK home is at fever pitch. Will it be the Cotswolds, or the north-eastern seaside town of Redcar? We assess:

The Cotswolds: home to the wealthy
Aristocrats, Kate Moss and hedge-fund managers would be the Sussexes’ neighbours. To such people the loss of their HRH titles or owing £34 million to the Daily Mail’s lawyers are a mark of shame, gossiped about at every party. They would be a laughing stock.

Redcar: home to the unemployed
By contrast, the social scene in Redcar would welcome the couple with open arms, with peers accustomed to loss of status, losing court cases, and being estranged from high-and-mighty family who think they’re so much fucking better than you. They would fit right in.

The Cotswolds: handy for London
With the capital just a short journey, the Cotswolds are close to Harry’s family and their many palatial homes. Awkward, given that Harry is persona non grata with all of them and will not be invited to meals. The froideur will be felt all the way down the M4.

Redcar: handy for Middlesbrough
In cheerful no-frills Redcar, Wills and Kate would feel as blessedly distant as they did back in California. Dad wouldn’t drop by unexpectedly for stilted conversation, and there’s always Middlesbrough should Meg need to stock up on Primark clothing for the kids.

The Cotswolds: honey-coloured stone
The warm, golden Jurassic limestone used to build the homes in the Cotswolds gives the villages their characteristic glow. Which would only remind the couple of the Montecito home they had to leave behind, and make them sad.

Redcar: soot-blackened slate
Up in Redcar there are no colours. Looking out onto the North Sea from a town still stained by the pollution of the steel industry is the real Britain: ugly, rainswept, and bleak. This is the Britain Harry missed, not some moneyed enclave with a branch of Soho House.

Verdict: Redcar
Harry and Meghan are certain to choose Redcar, with its high deprivation, child poverty and retirees suffering long-term industrial illnesses, as their new home. Even the Daily Mail will not send journalists up there, and they can afford a whole row of terraces.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Monday, 7 September 2026

Let's put on the show right here!


My motto for today!

Oh, yuk. After a lovely weekend - the Schiaparelli exhibition and a day in the sunny garden - we're back to the old routine again. Sigh.

Among another raft of fellow celebrants including Queen Elizabeth I, Chrissie Hynde, Gloria Gaynor, Laura Ashley, Buddy Holly (who would have been 90 today), Dame Edith Sitwell, Diane Warren (70 today), Angela Gheorghiu, Elia Kazan, John Paul Getty Jr., Anthony Quayle, Julie Kavner, Toby Jones (who is 60), Jermaine Stewart, Sonny Rollins, Leonard Cheshire, Dario Argento, Peter Lawford and - erm - disgraced former MCU actor Jonathan Majors...

...the lovely Michael Feinstein blows out 70 men candles on his cake today!

Well-known as he is for preserving and promoting the archives of the "Great American Songbook" - as this is a Tacky Music Monday, I thought I'd share this rather fab and funny moment instead:

Have a good week, dear reader.

Sunday, 6 September 2026

Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'


Always wear a hat in sunny weather!

After a fantabulosa trip to see the V&A's latest spectacular Schiaparelli: Fashion Becomes Art yesterday, today was a far more sedate affair.

I didn't surface until well after midday. However, being a beautiful sunny late summer's day, after a few cups of coffee to wake up, the rest of the day was spent out in the extensive gardens here at Dolores Delargo Towers. Madam Arcati had begun the inevitable round of watering and feeding, and I spent a few hours doing the rest. It's amazing how much growth is still in our plants, given that all the talk lately is about Autumn, the shops are full of scarves and padded jackets, and Primark has even got its fucking Hallowe'en tat out on the shelves!

It hit 28C/82F here this afternoon, ffs!

To suit the laid-back mood, here's something a little different from our "house band" [which could also serve as a further "tribute" to Mr Barry Gibb]:

Yee-haa!

Saturday, 5 September 2026

Fa-fa-fashion

The Madam and I are off to see the much-vaunted Schiaparelli: Fashion Becomes Art exhibition at the V&A this afternoon!

I fully expect to return wearing a lobster, a hat in the shape of a shoe, or "a thing that isn't a thing"...


STOP PRESS:

Before I left this morning, I was trying to find a particular verse from which that final line came, to no avail - not only is that new "A.I. Google" really annoying, it's also a crock of shit that doesn't actually find anything you're looking for.

I located it in a book (remember them?!) called Camp: The Lie That Tells The Truth:

On the pale yellow sands
There's a pair of clasped hands
And and eye-ball entangled in string,
And a piece of raw meat
And a bicycle seat
And a thing that isn't a thing.

- William Plomer - "A recipe for a Surrealist picture"

Friday, 4 September 2026

Keep on keepin' on

Nearly there... Another tedious week is behind us (and this was a short one because of the Bank Holiday Monday, but doesn't feel like it).

Without further ado, let's get ourselves into the party mood for the weekend with birthday boy Merald Woodlow "Bubba" Knight Jr. and his chums, a-twirling and a-gyrating in support of his baby sister Gladys - and Thank Disco It's Friday!

All my life, all I ever wanted was to be a Pip.

Have a great weekend, folks!


FOOTNOTE:

There is a major issue today - to add to all its other woes - with the ability to post comments on Blogger blogs. No-one can get any further than the "Publishing.." message! I have seen forums where this has been discussed, and it appears to be worldwide.

The bloody Google gnomes need to pull ther fingers out and fix it quickly!

But they won't, of course...

Thursday, 3 September 2026

Of diamonds, New Romantics, weird science, embroidery, octopi, a feminist icon and Pop Looks Bach

It's another snippets post, dear reader:

  • It wasn't me, Guv! news: Thieves have stolen a stunning 200-carat platinum necklace [above] encrusted with 673 diamonds, that once belonged to Queen Consort Nazli of Egypt, from a museum in Vienna. I could wear that!
  • "No-no-Notorious" news: Royal Mail will issue a special set of stamps celebrating Duran Duran on 17th September. The collection features the band at different stages of their career, tracing their progression from early New Romantic origins to global chart success. I always fancied licking John Taylor, back in the day...
  • How old is a kiss, and a splashback-free urinal news: This year's winners of the "coveted" (satirical) Ig Noble Prize have been announced, and winning research papers' subjects include Neanderthals kissing, a new design of urinal, the aerodynamics of nose blowing, and evidence that those in higher social classes are more likely to steal sweets from a child. So much more fun than the "real" Nobels...


[click any pic to embiggen]

And the weather? "Up and down like a whore's drawers" again...

...We've had some heavy showers this week. Yesterday felt quite chilly. Today - despite the strong gusts - it was warm and quite humid. Unless we get an "Indian Summer", however, sadly I think it's "goodbye to all that". The "Season of Death" is just around the corner...

Wednesday, 2 September 2026

Never seen a a marrow quite as big as that

David Beckham is apparently an avid gardener and keeper of chickens. He explains how to produce prize courgettes by digging in manure yourself, like he definitely does:

Learn the correct techniques
Want to grow the perfect carrot? Then don’t skimp on raw materials. Waitrose does some terrific ones. Pop them in soil back at your allotment, unearth them and they’re perfect for Instagram. Don’t make the mistake of ‘planting seeds’ and ‘nurturing’ them – the Class of 92 was a one-off thing.

Employ an allotment PA
Yeah, an allotment that’s south-facing with good quality soil is useful, but it’s crucial to employ a full-time personal gardening assistant. They’ll do the physical work – which is all of it – or source local gardeners who can pitch in when you’re in Los Angeles. Ensure they’re not too attractive. I speak from experience.

Pick crops that will flourish on social media
Avoid things like runner beans, because even if they grow well and taste great they’re boring and won’t get clicks. Instead opt for vegetables that might grow into rude shapes. I’d recommend courgettes or pumpkins, which can end up as hilariously misshapen as Paul Scholes’s dong. As you become more skilled, try to raise radishes with vaginas.

Cultivate a bullshit narrative

To maximise the publicity you’ll need an angle the media can run with, such as ‘Victoria shocked by size of David’s marrow’. Obviously she wasn’t because she’s seen a marrow before and is aware of their size, but regular press coverage keeps the brand healthy.

Preserve surplus produce
Even tending a small allotment can result in a glut of fruit or vegetables you’re unable to eat, so buy glass jars and read up on pickling techniques to avoid wasting them. And having a stock of nasty vinegary vegetables in jars means you’ve always got gifts for those you don’t like, such as your son and his heiress wife.

Put the time in
People often ask me how I find time to garden when I’m watching World Cup games or at Wimbledon, and the truth is I don’t. But I remain enough of an icon to get my face in magazines worldwide even for pretending I do, and for me that sweet, homegrown publicity makes it all worthwhile.

The Daily Mash

Of course.


STOP PRESS, 13.25pm

The bloody Google gnomes are at it again! Neither yesterday's post (from just after 1pm), nor this one (from 7.40am) have shown up in the Blogger Reading List yet.

Bastards.

Tuesday, 1 September 2026

Alive or Illusion?

Sharing the day with another panoply of notables such as Gloria Estefan, Lily Tomlin, Yvonne De Carlo, Edgar Rice Burroughs, Johann Pachelbel, Archie Bell, Violet Carson, Steve Pemberton, Engelbert Humperdinck [the composer, not the singer], Leonard Slatkin, Rocky Marciano, Art Pepper, Marvel Comics illustrator Gene Colan [whose centenary it is today], Bruce Foxton of The Jam, Cecil Parkinson, Babydaddy of Scissor Sisters [50 today], Ruud Gullit, Conway Twitty, Boxcar Willie, Craig McLachlan and Zendaya...

...it's the "last of the Bee Gees" Mr Barry Gibb's - gulp! - 80th birthday today!

We know the Brothers Gibb were utter musical geniuses, not only for their long career of mega-hits, including the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack, Tragedy, You Win Again and much much more besides, but also their work with other hit-makers, from Miss Warwick to MegaBabs to Dolly to to Miss Ross.

I wonder what they would make of this..?

I love it!