Young love, middle-aged love, sadistic love, an ironing board, a crumble and Prince Harry

It was a beautiful summer evening yesterday when I trolled across the Hungerford Bridge to the South Bank, on my own this time. Our gang was even more depleted than last month - all at the launch of Marcus Reeves' album, I believe - so it was just me and Roland (the artist formerly of the "Lost Octopus", who told me he has bagged a gig at Summer Rites/Pride in the Park on Saturday afternoon) to grab a space at the top table...



The place was thronged with familiar and not-so-familiar faces, all our regulars (DJ Connell, VG Lee, Peter Daniels, Toby Tobes, Paul's hubby Paulo, et al) plus the ever-controversial Julie Bindel, and Paul's Mum and Dad all the way from Bridgend(!).



Opening the evening's edifications, Miss Antonia Cridland read from her touching gay teenage love story Nathan and Alex. It's her first foray into the world of writing sex scenes between men, but, from the passage she read anyway, she seems to have mastered the "artform" rather well. I got a little hot under the collar at times...

Here she is talking about the book, in an interview at the London Book Fair:

Antonia Cridland - Nathan & Alex

The lovely Chris Chalmers, a familiar face from Polari back in April 2012, read for us this time an extract for his as-yet-unpublished novel Dinner at the Happy Skeleton, involving the sort-of-happy circumstance when a frustrated gay man in the midst of a mid-life crisis receives an invitation (on Gaydar) to - ahem! - hook up with a semi-retired porn star. Hilarious, intriguing, and left us all wondering why on earth that book deal has yet to come Mr Chalmers' way.



Jack Wolf is a master of historical horror fiction. Reading from his Gothic novel The Tale of Raw Head and Bloody Bones, written in the authentic style of the 18th century (all "thees" and "thous" and archaic phrases), he captured simultaneously the looming and mysterious persona of the story's anti-hero Tristan Hunt - "a promising young physician, also, alas, a psychopath" - and the captivating and homoerotic control he has over his young lad companion. Scaling the wall of a locked orchard to gather forbidden fruit, the frisson between the two boys becomes Tristan's own private pleasure when his young friend is caught red-handed and given a thrashing, while Tristan watches... Spooky and menacing stuff, indeed.

Paul wisely took this opportunity to allow us a breather after the highly-charged atmosphere of Gothic horror and smut of the first half.



Opening the second session, however, was an amazing act - the debut at Polari of Vauxhall Tavern favourite, polyester-lover and international cabaret superstar Miss Lorraine Bowen, her ironing board and her Casio organ! I was thrilled - never having seen the lady in one of her legendary off-the-wall performances before. She didn't disappoint. Miss Bowen's forte is to transform the mundane into an almost surreal reality through her songs - she began by (hilariously) demonstrating the things that make up a "classic" song (verse, chorus, bridge, key changes, the lot). Then she sang it:

Lorraine Bowen - Crumble Song

The Crumble Song - which has apparently been translated into at least five languages including Indian - had us all in stitches, singing along (in fact I couldn't get it out of my head all day in work):

"Everybody's good at cooking something
I'm good at cooking crumble.
I've got one in the oven -
Would you like some?"

Loved it! Miss Bowen proudly boasts five albums' worth of songs she's produced in her long career. If I'd had the cash on me, I'd have bought one there and then. She was a hard act to follow, but...



Our headliner, the rather scrummy Mr James Wharton has a remarkable story to tell. The first gay serviceman to be featured on the front cover of The Soldier magazine (the British Army's official publication), he has served in Iraq, taken part in major state occasions including the State Opening of Parliament, Lord Mayor's Parade, Cenotaph Parade and the Queen's Birthday Parade, and escorted the Sovereign on the occasion of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge's wedding. With his own wedding in March 2010, James and his husband became the first same sex couple to have their relationship formalised in the Household Cavalry's 350 year history, within the walls of the London barracks. He was particularly chuffed to be among the very first uniformed serving members from the British Army to march at Gay Pride in London.

He is quite an accomplished storyteller, too. His most famous anecdote - the book Out in the Army is being serialised in [of all places, but I suppose a girl's gotta eat] The Mail On Sunday - is of the time Prince Harry saved him from being beaten up by troops from another battalion.



I was mightily impressed, if only slightly disappointed he was not in full "Army porn fantasy uniform" (Mr Wharton left the forces earlier this year), and he received a huge round of applause.

And that, unfortunately was it for another Polari, bar the schmoozing.



I adore the sheer eclecticism of these evenings, and look forward to them each and every month.

Next month, alongside luminaries as Neil Alexander and Marco Mancassola, is our very own Ange, reading "some of me poetry" - can't wait!

Polari returns to the 5th floor function room of the Royal Festival Hall on Tuesday 30th July 2013.