Tuesday, 19 December 2017

I'm dreaming of a smug Xmas...

Christmas is full of wonderful opportunities to be sickeningly middle class, but what sort of bourgeois poncery is right for you? Read our guide for inspiration.

Foodie Christmas

A Christmas totally dominated by agonisingly trivial conversations about prosciutto and storing aubergines in oil that make normal people want to ram Nigel Slater’s baked marrow up your arse.

Guardian Christmas

Christmas with a strong focus on fun things like ethical consumerism and hand-wringing liberal guilt. Presents should be things like oven gloves made by homeless people showing ‘Mrs Santa’ delivering the gifts in a two-fingered salute to Santa’s oppressive, patriarchal present-delivering monopoly.

Upper-middle class Christmas

Incredibly expensive Richard Curtis film-style Christmas for people who do not realise paying £600 for a tree is insane. Crackers will contain a silver hip flask or Fitbit rather than a cellophane fish that purports to reveal your personality. May also involve skiing in Switzerland and “Portia and Hugo bringing their cellos over”.

Educational Christmas

Favoured by ambitious parents, an educational Christmas requires it to be turned into a dreary learning experience about random facts like the natural habitat and diet of reindeer and however Anglo-Saxons celebrated it in their huts. Ideally should involve school-style ‘activity sheets’ and a test on Christmas day for extra fun.

Eco bullshit Christmas

No ‘factory farmed’ turkey here, but instead you will enjoy a wild organic goose that was killed non-invasively by being chased around a meadow until it collapsed. May also involve the dreaded ‘nut roast’ and scraping leftovers into the compost heap while chanting a Pagan hymn of thanks to Mother Earth.
The Daily Mash

Of course.

Ho Ho Fucking Ho.


  1. I would like some really posh crackers. Maybe I could nick some from somewhere... they could keep me going throughout 2018.

    1. Sneak into some posh hotel and raid their dining room. Or else blag your way onto the invite list for Sandringham... Jx

  2. I fit somewhere into this group as I always find an opportunity to tell people how I don't buy gifts at Christmas but instead, give money to charity.

    I'm sure this doesn't sit well with those who have just maxed out their credit cards to buy gifts for that uncle they never really liked.

    1. I do none of the above - well, I do buy presents for people who are close, but I always end up buying more for myself... Jx

    2. At least you're honest about it!

      Christmas just looks bloody daft in a southern climate!My token gifting? I made up some posh chocolate bags for the lovely people where we buy our booze.
      About the Sandringham thing...I shouldn't.It's rumoured that the Prince of Wales is supplying turkeys as mentioned above, so they'll be tough old chooks. Have a good one, Jon. x

    3. We dream of spending Xmas somewhere hot and daft... That counts Sandringham out, really. Norfolk's not exactly balmy. Jx

    4. I don't know? North Norfolk has managed to creep into double figures for the last day or two. But you're right. It's not so much balmy as barmy...


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