You couldn’t even guess

Martha Stewart is in the news, and once again Britons are unable to fathom why because she has no equivalent in the UK. These also failed to cross the Atlantic:

Ryan Seacrest
He’s been famous for three decades over there, presenting American Idol, running some form of charity, having somewhat prominent hair. Over here? Nobody has a clue who he is. You couldn’t even guess. If a friend said they’d met Ryan Seacrest, your response would be ‘Seacrest? Are you trying to say wave?’

Martha Stewart
Occupies some nexus of cookery, home arrangement, lifestyle and brands that simply doesn’t exist. Imagine crossing Delia Smith, Victoria Beckham and Kirsty Allsopp and you’re still not close. Shame, because she’s always being sent to prison and incongruously enjoying post-rock gigs in a way that would be fun to savour if she mattered.

Kelly Clarkson
We understand her as a former pop star whose Christmas hit Underneath The Tree will soon get its rusty hooks into your cerebellum and refuse to let go, but as host of a daily daytime talk show? Where she sings cover versions? And has big stroppy fits about magic shops not selling her mechanical birds? You could believe this if it was North Korean TV.

Jimmy Kimmel
Or Jimmy Fallon, or Seth Meyers, or Jay Leno, or Johnny Carson, or any of the hosts of TV shows broadcast at 11.30pm when British TV is showing thrillers from 1994. Apparent household names on shows past bedtime, with guests who are nobodies, mystifying running jokes and commercial breaks every 75 seconds. It makes no sense.

Guy Fieri
A celebrity chef – okay, we do those, with you so far – with bleached hair, sunglasses, bling chains, who shouts about food on the Food Network while running restaurants that are widely hated and usually close down. In some strange alchemy no rational British mind could understand this has made him famous and rich.

Octomom
Woman who gave birth to octuplets, which would make you famous over here. But she had them all implanted by IVF by a doctor who was struck off and has then gone through the standard sequence of reality TV, divorce, rehab, exotic dancing, bankruptcy, and plastic surgery. Be glad we only get Bargain Hunt.

Donald Trump
Millionaire who became famous by being an obnoxious millionaire, not even making a shit phone that does email like our own Alan Sugar. Somehow remained famous despite his businesses failing, then ran for president on the most-unqualified-ever-candidate ticket and won, twice. We will never comprehend why. Soon we’ll be able to forget.

The Daily Mash

Of course.