Saturday 20 November 2021

Bizarre reality

It can be disorientating trying to recall a dream, but it’s worse when you realise that the dream was actually a real TV show. Here are the oddest:

Stars In Their Eyes
Witnessing a meek accountant from Swansea walk through a smoky doorway and magically become a shop-soiled Robbie Williams is definitely the sort of thing that only happens in a dream, right? Not if you were watching ITV in the 90s. That was our bizarre reality.

Dick & Dom in da Bungalow
You must have been asleep on the sofa. There’s no way you could have watched a programme where children are screamed at and covered in gunk by two grown men, and sometimes Ian Beale from Eastenders, broadcast live at 9am on a Saturday morning. It’s too weird to have been real.

Big Break
The horrible combination of snooker and Jim Davidson is something only your subconscious could throw up. Factor in the nonsensical but sinister phrase ‘I’m going to be snookering you tonight’ and you’ve got the makings of a very creepy dream. Except you were awake and it was on every Saturday night for a decade.

Naked Attraction
Clearly an anxiety dream and not a real show. Who in their right mind would go on TV, reveal their entire naked body apart from their head, and have their genitals forensically examined by a stranger, an overexcited host and a viewing audience of millions? Only a particularly deep REM cycle could create that freakish situation, surely?

You Are What You Eat
So there’s this woman who pretends to be a doctor, right, who makes people put every single item of food they eat during a week on a massive table while she shames them for it. And then she makes them poo in a Tupperware box and give it to her so she can sniff it. No one would put something that mental on TV, so it must have been a particularly fucked up nightmare.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

10 comments:

  1. The most humiliating experience ever would be to be filmed on You Are What You Eat, and then appear on Naked Attraction - they should meld those two shows together. Or, how about choosing to go on a date with someone after viewing their weekly food intake and inspecting their poo? Blimey, that could be a winner!
    Sx

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    1. ....and on the first date the contestants have to dress up as their favourite pop star! I was made for the nineties.
      Sx

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    2. Wait around long enough, Ms Scarlet. It will happen. Jx

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  2. Did Julie Goodyear have a crack at Peggy Lee or was that a bad dream and did Dana really sing the Brookside theme? I loathed Snooker Loopy almost as much as Katie Melua's Closest Thing to Crazy.

    I have a recurring dream that I'm the late actress Candy Davis from AYBS, I'm shopping in Meadowhall where hoards of young men with hard-ons are following me, all wanting my attention, like the pied piper of Hamlyn I lead them to the disabled toilet for a bit of fun, but I always wake up when something interesting is about to happen.

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    1. It's worse than I thought, it was Vera Duckworth who had a crack at Peggy Lee, Julie Goodyear had a stab at These Boots are Made for Walking on the Des O'Connor Show.

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    2. I obviously missed the Vera-sings-Peggy one, but you yourself inspired me to post Ms Goodyear's "diva moment" back in 2012!

      Jx

      PS RIP Candy Davis aka Clare Dunkel aka "Miss Belfridge" aka crime writer Mo Hayder - I am sure she'd have been proud of your tribute in that dream. She probably would have written a murder into that situation.

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  3. You Are What You Eat is the only show on this list that I have seen. I rather adored it (minus poo in tupperware analysis.) I liked the lady, and could not get over how badly people eat. It inspired me to try even more to clean up my diet (and is one of the reasons I became a vega-men-tarian. I LOVED the giant table of gunky food. I also had no idea the amount of fish and chips and curry the average Brit eats. Kizzes.

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    1. Lordy. You were genuinely taken in by that complete quack Gillian McKeith?!

      Fish and chips are probably better for the average human than the stupid-fucking-snake-oil from which she's made her millions. Jx

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  4. I have somehow missed those gems.(A-hem)

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