Wednesday, 28 October 2020

Warrior in Woolworths?


It's tough finding a new job, and it’s even harder when companies sound like they’re assembling the Avengers rather than employing a data entry assistant. These buzzwords should make you run a mile.

Retail Jedi
Though not the most thrilling job title in the world, at least ‘shelf stacker’ has some dignity. Trying to make menial work seem fun by giving it a twatty name is insulting and degrading for everyone involved, even imaginary space knights.

Culinary artist
No, you won’t be the new Michelangelo or Van Gogh, you’ll just be slapping wet ham between slices of bread for eight hours a day. The only similarity to Van Gogh you’ll have is knowing what it’s like to feel fucking miserable and not have much money.

Office ninja
Ninjas are stealthy and secretive, launching deadly attacks when least expected. What they don’t do is sit at a desk dejectedly answering emails, fixing photocopier jams and listening to Martin at the neighbouring desk describe his ‘epic’ drinking session at the weekend.

IT help desk wizard
You might think you’ll be the new Gandalf, dispensing wisdom passed down through the ages. What you’ll actually be doing is answering the phone, googling the problem and reading out the top search result. Hardly defeating Sauron, is it?

Killer marketing guru
The Dalai Lama is a guru. A person who thinks there is value in coming up with naff marketing campaigns promoting shit products is not. However, the ‘killer’ bit is correct because you’ll be ready to commit murder after six months of writing social media posts promoting vape shops and wedding DJs.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

8 comments:

  1. How did this all come about? Was there a "corporate speak" meeting that I missed back in the 2010s?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. “Secret, shall I tell you? Grand Master of Jedi Order am I.‘How did you know, how did you know, Master Yoda?’ Master Yoda knows these things. His job it is.” — Yoda

      It's something to do with "the dark side", I believe. Jx

      Delete
  2. Our current Prime Minister is known as "Scotty from marketing." Apparently, he hates to be called that.
    Tough!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is quite a few steps down from Maggie's "The Iron Lady". She loved that nickname! Jx

      Delete
  3. Can you imagine the utter twats that work for these companies with "job titles" like that. If the titles didn't put you off, meeting the team definitely would!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I work in local government. They specialise in "twatty job titles"... Jx

      Delete
  4. I used to sit next to Martin. Ack.
    Sx

    ReplyDelete

Please leave a message - I value your comments!

[NB Bear with me if there is a delay - thanks to spammers I might need to approve comments]