Saturday, 27 January 2018

No, not those. Those are my time travel trousers!


Jacob Rees-Mogg is to take over Britain at the head of a Steampunk army.

The rebel MP, who is now in charge of government via a Byzantine system of patronage, has ordered Theresa May to leave Downing Street or be blasted with an ornate bazooka.

Meanwhile, Rees-Mogg has outlined plans for a post-Brexit Britain of brass automatons, clockwork cars and steam-powered internet.

He said: “With myself at the helm, we will forge a brave new nation of valves and pumps, of smoked-glass goggles and Tesla coils, of transatlantic tunnels and invincible British airships darkening European skies.

“Somewhere around 1900, our birthright as a nation was snatched from us. I propose to reset the calendar and do the last hundred years or so properly, with parliament returned to its advisory role and the monarch in absolute power.

“Don’t you want your sons to be the first to wear top hats on Mars? Your daughters waited on by a house-robot named Stevens who contains a fully-functioning pipe organ capable of playing eight different hymns?”


Political commentator Eleanor Shaw said: “This is easily the most coherent vision of post-Brexit Britain we’ve heard so far.”
Huzzah!

The Daily Mash

Of course.

And here, to cheer the revolution along, is house favourite Professor Elemental:


Fab.

Right, onward and upward with this bally house-move - where are those boxwallahs?!

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