My idea of Hell
The middle-aged guide to GlastonburyThe Daily Mash
Headed to Glastonbury with a bad back and a heavy heart? Worried you’ll be raving about how great Stormzy is only to be politely told you’re watching Sean Paul? Follow our guide:
Take creature comforts
Take a tip from The Walking Dead and hole up in a camper van. You’ll earn the contempt of younger festival goers but unlike them won’t be half-dead from exhaustion and will actually enjoy some of the music you’ve paid £250 for.
Resist the temptation to be a festival veteran
Try not to reminisce about Jesus Jones’ blistering 1990 set unless you want to appear incredibly ancient, like an old-time gold prospector or Gandalf.
Pretend to like the latest musical darlings
Impress the young by familiarising yourself with acts like Sunflower Bean and Headie One, even if you struggle to see what the point is. If by coincidence you find yourself watching them, just conceal some wireless headphones under a beanie hat and listen to golden oldies from yesteryear by The Prodigy.
Dress practically
Avoid skinny jeans and hotpants if you’ve developed a bit of middle-aged chunkiness. You’ll look an idiot and find it impossible to get your bank card out of your pocket to buy overpriced falafels and hippy hats.
Schedule naps
Keep nipping back to the tent or camper van to rest your old bones. You can easily slip away by saying you’re seeing a world music act no sane person would be interested in, e.g. a Macedonian bongo orchestra.
Don’t worry about being old
The truth is that pop’s middle-aged now. Expect a surprise appearance by a haggard-looking Damon Albarn, or finding yourself in a queue to buy a decent Riesling with Radio 2 hottie Jo Wiley, aged 53.
Of course.
Right on cue, here's one of the festival's bright young rising stars from 2007...
Glastonbury Festival 2019 official website
I love my skinny jean's. But I'll tell ya....I see many you shouldn't wear them. It's like 10lbs of flour in a 5lb bag
ReplyDeleteI think skinny jeans on anyone over about 25 is veering on the "mutton dressed as lamb" effect - tight jeans like 501s, yes, but definitely not skinny ones. Jx
DeleteMakes me glad I'm not young any more. I'd definitely take a camper van if I was forced to go.
ReplyDeleteSx
I'm a "three-star, room service, complimentary soaps and toiletries" sort of gal, myself. Jx
DeleteI hate crowds. And festivals like Glastonbury are fraught with other dangers...you never know whether it's mud underfoot or someone's lunch.
ReplyDeleteThat link...is that Max Wall?
The one and only Max Wall! He never made The Pyramid Stage, to my knowledge.
DeleteThe nearest I've got to a festival like Glastonbury (Proms in the Park excluded - often referred to as "Glastonbury, but with more hip replacements") was David Bowie in Milton Keynes Bowl and several end-of-Gay-Pride celebratory events in various parks over the years. All of them, to varying degrees, fairly unsanitary... Jx
I couldn't go unless I had access to a clean toilet with a lockable door and a dry floor.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't interested in festivals even when I was young. I hate crowds, too.
Sx
Just looking at the pictures of the sheer scale of the crowd reminds me of those ghastly Michael Buerk reports of the Ethiopian famine that let to Band Aid. Only with amusing hats. Jx
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