Of banana excess, Viv up North, chocolate theft, "Hello Campers!", a Macca media mishap, Totty of the Day and surrealism

RIP the utterly surreal cartoonist Glen Baxter (4th March 1944 – 29th March 2026)

It's another snippets post, dear reader:

• Yes! We have no bananas news: Tesco in Kirkwall, Orkney, is giving away boxes of bananas for free after mistakenly ordering 38,000 of the things - apparently equivalent to two per person living on the island! They had, it seems, intended to order 380kg (750lb) of the fruit. However, a mistake meant that 380 wholesale boxes arrived at the weekend instead.
• Fashion maven news: A new landmark exhibition dedicated to one of the most off-beat fashion pioneers the late Dame Vivienne Westwood opened last weekend - featuring dozens of items from the personal collection of a Lancashire chemistry teacher(!), as well as items on loan from other museums across the country. I was getting excited when I read about it, but then realised that it's actually on at the Bowes Museum in Barnard Castle, County Durham! I'm not likely to be travelling 262 miles just to see it. Let's hope it arrives in London some time in the future...
• Easter, ruined? news: The theft of a shipment of 12 tonnes of the eternally popular Nestle KitKat chocolate bars somewhere en route between Italy and Poland has led to warnings that there might be a shortage - just in time for the "peak chocolate season", Easter. I imagine Cadbury's is rubbing its hands with glee...

• British holidays nostalgia news: To celebrate 90 years in operation, the pioneering holiday-camp company Butlins [the inspiration for the comedy series Hi-de-Hi, of course] has commissioned a bejewelled version of its iconic "redcoat" (as worn by the camp hosts) to mark the occasion in style. The "Rhinestone Redcoat" [designed by The Masked Singer costume designer Tim Simpson] is being auctioned now to raise funds for Great Ormond Street Hospital charity. I could be a "camp host" in that...
• Old people and social media news: The venerable and venerated Sir Paul McCartney found himself banned from Reddit for sharing photos of his own concert! Apparently attendees at the Fonda Theatre in LA were instructed to deposit the mobile phones before the show, and this was intended to be his way of rewarding them with official pics taken by his team. Oops...
• And finally: Happy 55th birthday today to "sex god" Ewan McGregor!

And the weather? Blustery, showery - but warming up. Typical Spring.

---

PS - more Glen Baxter:
[click any pic to embiggen]

Loved his work!

Nessuno, ti giuro, nessuno!

Oh dear. It's that time again. Having lost an hour on the weekend thanks to the clocks going forward, it feels even worse this morning trying to adjust to the alarm going off again...

Never mind, eh? Another recent birthday [she's 86 - gulp!] we missed was that of the utterly magnificent Mina, our "Patron Saint of Screamers" [several of whose biggest hits were translated into English and became hits for other singers, including our very own Shirley Bassey's Never, Never, Never] - so what better way to wake us up on a Tacky Music Monday than this faboo number?

Mina - Nessuno

Oh those groovy hepcats!

Have a good week, dear reader.

You make me feel like I am home again

"Peel me a grape, my dear..."

If this is British Summer Time, it's not got off to a good start. It's grey and miserable out there, with a constant threat of rain.

Needless to say, not a day for the garden. It's more a day of light pottering about in the house (I've hung a few more pictures), listening to Radio 2 - and this! Our "house band" here at Dolores Delargo Towers, paying tribute to that "Goth national treasure" Robert Smith - brilliantly, of course:

Postmodern Jukebox feat. Emma Smith - Lovesong [The Cure 1940s Big Band style cover]

Ah, that's better.

We love Postmodern Jukebox!

I'm breaking *

Our Cymbidium orchid is spectacular again this year!

I had a flurry of activity this afternoon in the extensive gardens here at Dolores Delargo Towers! It was lovely and sunny, despite the really chilly wind, and I spent a few hours systematically pruning back all our fuchsias, as well as salvias and ferns that hadn't already been tackled. Knackering, it may have been - but it's all getting ready for the summer to come [and, indeed, our clocks go forward tonight and British Summer Time begins tomorrow]!

Meanwhile, on a day of birthdays that include Sir Dirk Bogarde, Sir Michael Parkinson, Dame Flora Robson, Mike Newell, Maxim Gorky, Lord Neil Kinnock, Vince Vaughn, Reba McEntire, Sir Richard Eyre and - ahem - Lady-fucking-GaGa...

...today marks 460 years since the foundation of the fabled walled city of Valletta, capital of "plucky little" Malta!

To mark the occasion, how about their surprisingly faboo Eurovision entry from back in 2021?

Destiny - Je me casse

She's obviously a Lizzo fan.

[Je me casse - "I'm breaking" in French]

Hungover?

Wheeee!

Whew! Nearly there...

Despite the fact the weather is not looking particularly promising for the weekend, it is still a weekend - and time to party!

We happened to miss the birthday yesterday of our "Patron Saint of Hogging-the Spotlight-in-Sparkly-Gowns", Miss Diana Ross, so who better to lead the celebrations - in the company of a troupe of very odd [some slightly phallic, I thought] creatures, indeed? Thank Disco It's Friday!

Diana Ross - Love Hangover [The Muppet Show]

Have a great one, folks!

Of a drag emporium, old age, drought, a wounded Dame, space sperm and Troggs on the Tube

"The Palladium of Drag" in 1895 and today. [click any pic to embiggen]

It's another snippets post, dear reader:

• Gays of London rejoice! news: The legendary Black Cap in Camden ["The Palladium of Drag"], subject of an impressive eleven-year battle over its closure and proposed conversion into flats by property developers, has finally re-opened. We plan to pay a visit soon, of course!
• Old age is no place for sissies news: A new exhibition at the Wellcome Foundation The Coming of Age explores experiences and perceptions of ageing, from adolescence to later life, and asks how societies can adapt for us all to age better. Apparently, one in ten children in the UK are expected to live beyond the age of 100! As the curator says, however: “people want to live for ever, but they don’t want to get old”. Could be interesting. Or scary.
• Hosepipe news: Apparently, England is no longer in drought. No shit, Sherlock! It was pissing down for months this winter...

• Icon news: Dame Shirley Bassey [pictured above, accepting her "Women of Monaco" award at a society do on 10th March] has announced - at the age of 89 - that she can no longer write replies to every one of her fan letters, as she has always done throughout her long career, because she has to have surgery on her hand. What a trouper! Imagine any other star of her magnitude answering their own post...
• It's not just the Robinsons news: Sperm get lost in space, scientists have discovered. In zero gravity, I'd make sure I was wearing eye-shields - you never know what might float your way!
• And finally: RIP, Chip Taylor. Who? I hear you ask. Apart from being Jon Voight's brother [his real name was James Voight] he was a prolific songwriter, and among his hits were PP Arnold's Angel of the Morning [a hit in the US for Merrilee Rush, and later Juice Newton], the Hollies I Can't Let Go and this one [memorably covered by Siouxsie Sioux and Budgie aka The Creatures]. This sort of thing never happens to me when I'm on London Underground!

The Troggs - Wild Thing

And the weather? Sunshine again - but really quite chilly!

War against motorists?

A Dad is furious at his local council about potholes in roads and is apoplectic at the roadworks needed to fix them.

Martin Bishop, aged 61, regularly shares his fury on local Facebook groups about the local authority letting streets run to rack and ruin, but his blood pressure really spikes when stopped by temporary traffic lights.

He continued: “Am I paying my council tax for these jokers to sit on their arses all day, while potholes ruin lives and suspensions?

“Then they turn around and close a main road for two months, adding five minutes to my journey time which adds up. Put it together and over a year I’d be twelve hours late for squash. Is that in any way acceptable?

“People say ‘you’re retired Martin’ and ‘chill out Martin’ and ‘you don’t need to immediately drive to Asda every time we run out of nutmeg Martin’ but that’s not the point. The point is this council has taken up arms in a war against motorists.

“It’s all right for councillors with their free eco-friendly helicopters, but pensioners like me need to use our BMWs to get places. Don’t even get me started on their lunatic policies like ‘bus lanes’ and ‘school zones’.”

Council spokesperson Eleanor Shaw said: “We recognise that potholes and roadworks are a common source of frustration for residents, and invite them to use their fucking brains for two fucking seconds to connect the two.

“Also, we welcome and value Martin’s feedback.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Tell the sun don't shine, stop Old Father Time, 'cause that's easier to do

Notorious for being the first actress to bare her boobs on American telly, the showgirl-turned-Playboy model-turned-actress Valerie Perrine, who has sadly departed for Fabulon, confounded all expectations when she was nominated for an Oscar in 1974 for her portrayal of the sassy wife in the biopic Lenny (Bruce).

In her estimable career, Miss Perrine worked with such greats as Dustin Hoffman, Jack Nicholson, Robert Redford, Gene Hackman, Mel Gibson, Alan Arkin and Rod Steiger.

Shame then, that the only film I (and many millions of others, no doubt) remember her being in is Can't Stop The Music with The Village People...

All together, now!

Can't Stop The Music trailer

RIP, Valerie Ritchie Perrine (3rd September 1943 - 23rd March 2026)

Send in the crowds...

Oh, no! After a blissful weekend celebrating the joys of Spring and pottering in the garden, it's time to put all thoughts of that aside and head back to the eternal tiresomeness of work. Dammit! We need something to cheer us up...

...and, since we missed celebrating the birthdays yesterday of these two theatrical legends, it would be curmudgeonly of me - on this Tacky Music Monday - not to dig out this [and I make no apologies for featuring it again, despite having done so on numerous occasions over the years...] - it's faboo, and I never tire of it!

Stephen Sondheim and Andrew Lloyd-Webber - Duelling Pianos [Hey, Mr Producer!, 1998]

Have a good week, dear reader.

Gardens, getaways and geeks

A second day in the garden in pleasant Spring weather? We're being spoiled...

Yes, we've been busy pottering in the extensive gardens here at Dolores Delargo Towers - dividing up some overcrowded pots (and realising, as usual, we have small pots and huge pots, but never the right size pots), pruning-back the hardiest salvias and numerous other unruly bushes (I even made a start on some fuchsias - but that's a job and a half by itself), and loads more besides. Now I'm aching in places I didn't realise I had...

Time, methinks, to sit down, relax and dream of holidays, BOAC-style [not the skiing, obviously!], courtesy of the faboo Soft Tempo Lounge:

Soft Tempo Lounge - Getaway '68

Starting to feel better, already.

[Music: Jack Parnell and his Orchestra - Warm Breeze]

---

Meanwhile...

...that there Mr Device - our fave "Star Trek geek" - is having a birthday today! Time, methinks, to drag out the old traditional "face-swap" photo, in tribute:

Hope you're having an absolutely splendid day, dear boy!!

Licenced to thrill

Possessed of one of the most seductive speaking voices in acting history, the lovely Timothy Dalton is - gulp - 80 years old today!

In his long and enviable career, Mr Dalton has played alongside most of the greats of theatre and movies - Peter O'Toole, Katharine Hepburn and Anthony Hopkins in The Lion in Winter, Richard Harris, Alec Guinness, Robert Morley, Charles Gray, Dorothy Tutin, Hugh Griffiths, Harry Andrews, Vanessa Redgrave and Glenda Jackson amongst them.

Another in a long line of Welsh acting maestros, with his piercing green eyes and 6ft 2" frame Timothy Dalton has always been a commanding (and extremely sexy) figure on screen. I had a major crush on him for years...

Just check out his debut screen performance:

Timothy Dalton - The Lion In Winter

Of course, the most lucrative role in his four-decade career, and the one for which he is likely to be most remembered worldwide, is his stint as James Bond in the 80s. Licence to Kill was one of the best of the series, as a result:

Timothy Dalton - Licence To Kill

Inevitably, there are always some less salubrious points in any actor's career. Here are a couple of them...

Timothy Dalton and Mae West in Sextette - Love Will Keep Us Together

Timothy Dalton - TV advert for Brains Faggots

Many happy returns, Timothy Leonard Dalton Leggett (born 21st March 1946)!

Totally at your whim

"If I ruled the world, every day would be the first day of Spring..."

Hoorah! The weekend's almost upon us - and, for a change a) we have no events, exhibitions, parties or anything planned; and b) the forecast is for more sunshine!

I think a little celebration is in order - and since it happened to have been the (gulp) 80th birthday yesterday of the sole surviving Pointer Sister, Ruth Pointer, let's give the girls the spotlight to shimmy in, and...

...Thank Disco It's Friday!

Pointer Sisters - Automatic

Have a great weekend, dear reader!

Of a bonk-buster queen, floral vibrators, a radio legend, reincarnated Daleks, snake oil, a cuddly rat and wife-carrying

I'm very sad to discover that the very lovely Lauren Henderson aka "Rebecca Chance", doyenne of the "bonk-buster", Polari stalwart, raconteur and very funny lady has departed for Fabulon, aged just 59. A great loss. RIP.

It's another snippets post, dear reader:

• Catch that buzz news: Attendees at this year's Royal Horticultural Society Chelsea Flower Show (from 19th to 23rd May) may be in for a double shock - there will be a sex-themed garden on show sponsored by a company that sells vibrators(!) and the "ban on garden gnomes" has been lifted. Not sure which is going to cause the most uproar amongst the blue-rinse brigade!
• Another sad departure news: The utterly faboo Liza Tarbuck, host of our absolute favourite Radio 2 show every Saturday, is leaving after 14 years at the helm. Nobody understands quite why, least of all Michael Hogan in The Telegraph, who wrote:

  The funniest show on British radio is no more. News that the unfailingly hilarious Liza Tarbuck has left her Saturday evening programme on Radio 2 after 14 glorious years has left listeners distraught and colleagues stunned. The talent exodus from BBC radio in recent years has been worrying enough. Tarbuck’s exit represents another nail in the coffin... there remains an air of mystery around the reasons for Tarbuck’s typically unconventional departure, which seems to have blind-sided bosses. Had the 61-year-old broadcaster fallen foul of BBC management? Are rumblings of ageism relevant? Does that enigmatic line, “imagine what else we could do”, tease a surprise new chapter for this maverick talent? There are few clues at this stage.

  ... Since 2012, Tarbuck’s joyous blend of eclectic songs and freewheeling chat sound-tracked listeners’ Saturday sundowners, supper-making or domestic pottering... So how did a weekly gossip session, helmed by a self-effacing midlife woman, become appointment listening for so many? It was all down to the riotous brand of mayhem and mirth that Tarbuck created. It’s not hyperbole to describe her as one of our last radio geniuses. This is why her loss to the national airwaves is so deeply sad. If the Corporation can’t retain such one-off broadcasters, we all suffer.

• Exterminate!? - not quite - news: Two lost episodes of Doctor Who featuring old foes the Daleks, unseen since airing in the 1960s have been discovered in a cardboard box belonging to a deceased film aficionado - and one of the co-stars (alongside the First Doctor William Hartnell) of that early series, the [gulp!] 87-year-old Peter Purves was treated to a surprise showing at the premiere of the restored archives at a cinema in Leicester, where they were found. Regeneration, indeed.
• Snake oil news: Want to lose weight? Try ingesting extract of python! There's no mention of side-effects. A sudden craving for live mice, perhaps?
• G'Day, Possum! news: A real, live possum startled shop staff when they discovered it hiding amongst the stuffed toys on display at the main airport in Tasmania, Australia. Beats bloody Labubu dolls, hands down!
• And finally: A Finnish couple won a barrel of local ale after finishing first in the the annual UK Wife Carrying Race! I said Dorking was a strange place...

And the weather? Bloody lovely - just in time for the Spring Equinox tomorrow!

Both at the same time!

An outbreak of decent weather has inspired truly heartbreaking levels of joy across the UK.

With temperatures bordering on the pleasant, Britons are scampering in circles like over-enthusiastic termites, hardly knowing what to do with themselves.

Sales co-ordinator Emma Bradford said: “I’ve bought a straw hat and a Summer Fruits Oasis in anticipation of the first beam of sunlight penetrating the dense wall of grey cloud which has been overhead for five months.

“Let me just check out the window. Here it comes. Oh my.”

Office worker Tom Logan added: “It’s warm and sunny! Not just warm or sunny, but both at the same time.

“I’m going to eat my lunch outside with my sleeves rolled up to my elbows. And you can’t get much better than that.

“Everything’s going to be alright forever.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[The "real" news]

A marvellous party - S'Wonderful!

What a lovely weekend we had in "The Home of the Cock", Dorking, to celebrate the entry into dotage of our old, old, old friend Lou!

Madam Arcati and I had eschewed the preferred choice of a Travelodge, where a few of the gang stayed, in favour of the rather lovely White Horse Inn slap bang in the centre of the old town [as had John-John] - and we were very glad we did, as the room was lovely and quiet, the bed was the most comfortable we'd ever slept on, the shower was brilliant (as were the towels) and, had we only managed to get the mysteriously gadgety coffee machine to work in the morning, it would rate as the most enjoyable hotel stay we've had in years.

By the nature of its location, it also became the de facto watering-hole for the "gathering of the clans". As we did, before trolling off to the birthday girl's party venue down the road.

She certainly seems to know everyone in town, as the place was packed! Just as well, as someone needed to eat the completely OTT cheese buffet:

A good time was had by all. We were there to the bitter end, by which time we'd drunk the bar dry!

However, the fun didn't end there...

---

...for on Sunday, after having been unceremoniously roused from my slumber in order to yomp up a hill and join the remains of the gang [several had already headed home] for breakfast [all I really wanted was a gallon of coffee, tbh, but I managed to eat a few solids], and after a few "hairs of the dog" back in the White Horse, we had a matinee to go to at the faboo Dorking Halls - for 100 Years of Big Bands with the LP Swing Orchestra!

“Swing, sophistication and sass. The ultimate orchestra with an unrivalled sound.” - Dame Joan Collins

In its thirty-five year history, the 17-piece Len Phillips Big Band has played numerous prestigious venues, large (The Royal Albert Hall, The Ritz) and small (they have a long-standing residency with Warner Hotels), and collaborated with numerous famous names including the Puppini Sisters, Clare Teal, Joe Stilgoe, Gary Wilmot, Len Goodman, Paul Jones and Mica Paris. In 2021, the band rebranded and updated to become the LP Swing Orchestra.

Joining them, and their multi-talented MC, conductor, cornetist and occasional vocalist Georgina Jackson were two very splendid vocalists...

Matt Ford, famous for his appearances on BBC Radio 3's Friday Night is Music Night, and his work with the Syd Lawrence Orchestra, the John Wilson Orchestra (including at The Proms), amongst many other achievements, is certainly a most versatile swing vocalist, taking on the styles and mannerisms of everyone from Cab Calloway to Sinatra to Sammy Davis Junior to Michael Buble with aplomb. He was fab!

However, it was Nicola Emmanuelle with her crystal clear voice who really stole the show! A stalwart of jazz and swing ensembles including the LSPO, she famously starred as Ella Fitzgerald in The Rat Pack in the West End - and indeed, when she sang, it was as if a young Ella was actually there in person on stage in Dorking!

LP Swing Orchestra ft. Nicola Emmanuelle - S'Wonderful [live at Dorking Halls, 15 March 2026]

As it "said on the tin", we were treated to a cornucopia of Big Band swing numbers; everything from the early days of the Paul Whiteman Orchestra, Louis Armstrong and the aforementioned Cab Calloway, through the golden age of Harry James, Duke Ellington, Stan Kenton, Gene Krupa, Benny Goodman and Glenn Miller, to the post-war era of The Rat Pack, Count Basie, Peggy Lee and Ella's "Great American Songbooks", and the "leaner years" - up against the rise of Rock'n'Roll and Pop music - with Henry Mancini and Maynard Ferguson, all the way to the more modern revivalists like Michael Bublé and Harry Connick Jr.

Utterly brilliant! Understandably, after lunchtime libations, we were up and dancing in the aisles...

...but meeting the adorable Miss Emmanuelle after the show was the icing on the cake:

The perfect way to end a great weekend!

The wearing of the green

Yes, it's Paddy's Day again! Time for everyone to pretend they have any kind of connection with the Irish, as an excuse to dress in green and get utterly mullered on Guinness.

It's also time for the very welcome return of these two lovely laddies - with the fanciest footwork and the bulgiest trouser-fronts the Emerald Isle has to offer!

Gardiner Brothers - Happy St Patrick's Day!

Sláinte!

Mozart's spinning in his grave

After a lovely weekend in Dorking for Lou's 60th [more on all that later, no doubt], it's back to the same old shit-show again...

...but there is salvation at hand on this Tacky Music Monday, courtesy of a little something from the archives.

How about Belgium's answer to Anthea Turner murdering a beautiful aria by Mozart - and with a dance remix?!

If this doesn't wake you up, nothing will!

Adya & Geisha - Cherubino's Aria

Have a good week, dear reader.

The fire in your eyes

Happy (belated) [it was actually on 12th, but the party's tonight] 60th birthday, Lou!

Once a Goth, always a Goth...

...and here's the "Gothiest" of all Goth anthems, by way of a celebration:

The Cult - She Sells Sanctuary

Oh, the heads that turn
Make my back burn
And those heads that turn
Make my back, make my back burn

The sparkle in your eyes
Keeps me alive
And the sparkle in your eyes
Keeps me alive, keeps me alive

The world
And the world turns around
The world and the world, yeah
The world drags me down

Oh, the heads that turn
Make my back burn
And those heads that turn
Make my back, make my back burn, yeah

Yeah-hey...

The fire in your eyes
Keeps me alive
And the fire in your eyes
Keeps me alive
I'm sure in her you'll find
The sanctuary
I'm sure in her you'll find
The sanctuary

And the world
The world turns around
And the world and the world
The world drags me down
And the world and the world and the world
The world turns around
And the world and the world and the world and the world
The world drags me down

Sanctuary
Sanctuary

Indeed.

"Normal" service might be resumed tomorrow on our return from Dorking. Or maybe not. We'll see how it goes...

Her look? She's giving princesa!

Another Friday the Thirteenth? This must be a very bad year for paraskevidekatriaphobics... Good job I'm not superstitious. Touch wood.

The weekend will soon be upon us, and for a change we do have a genuine party to go to - for our friend Lou will be celebrating her (gulp) 60th tomorrow, and we're all travelling from across the country to her home town of Dorking to celebrate.

Meanwhile, something (ahem!) subtle is in order, to get us in the mood - so Thank Disco Cha Cha It's Friday!

AB Soto - Cha Cha Bitch (official video)

Have a great weekend, dear reader!

A case of "nobody knows why she's not yet a dame" (and Oklahoma!)

Secrets & Lies, Topsy-Turvy, Cranford, Poirot, Harlots, Phantom Thread, The Crown, Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris, myriad theatre productions - she's done it all. One of our most admired actresses Lesley Manville is 70 years old today! Gulp.

She's a great chat show guest, too:

The Graham Norton Show: Judi Dench Made Lesley Manville Laugh So Hard She Wet Herself

Many happy returns, Lesley Ann Manville (born 12th March 1956)

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Miss Manville happens to share her day with a number of assorted "names" - notably our Patron Saint Liza Minnelli [and you can read my tribute to her today over at the Dolores Delargo Towers Museum of Camp] - including Edward Albee, Agathe von Trapp (yes - of those Von Trapps), Googie Withers, Jack Kerouac, Graham Coxon of Blur, Thomas Arne (of Rule, Britannia fame), James Taylor, Al Jarreau, the decadent poet Gabriele D'Annunzio, Steve Harris of Iron Maiden, Dame Virginia Bottomley, David Mellor, Dame Karen Bradley, and - ahem - Amy Winehouse's ex Pete Doherty...

...and this classy gentleman, born 105 years ago today! Altogether, now, "Don't throw pork pies at me...":

Gordon MacRae and Shirley Jones - People Will Say We're In Love

Albert Gordon MacRae (12th March 1921 – 24th January 1986)

Of hats, gnomes, Selena Gomez, Surrealist couture, lesbian choreography and an asteroid

It's Ladies' Day at Cheltenham Festival!

Another snippets post, dear reader:

• The Gnome Guard news: A couple in Dorking have won the right to keep a flower bed as their land after a neighbour tried to claim it as their own, by digging up all their plants and replacing them with a garden gnome!
• Selena Gomez helps catch possums news: Invasive possums from Australia have become a major pest in neighbouring New Zealand - but the best bait for their traps turns out to be a cinnamon-flavoured Oreo biscuit, as promoted by hamster-faced superstar Selena Gomez! The lady herself has so far declined to comment...

• The "shoe hat" comes to town news: The next major exhibition to set us salivating with anticipation is Schiaparelli: Fashion Becomes Art, which is coming to the V&A from 28th March 2026. I cannot wait to see all that sumptuous shocking pink, Surrealism and style on show... “We try to walk a fine line between humour and camp” says Daniel Roseberry, creative director of the House of Schiaparelli. I'd expect nothing less!
• Lesbians in tights news: The famed Gentleman Jack, the TV dramatisation of the scandalous tell-all diaries of "the first modern lesbian" Anne Lister, has been adapted again... as a ballet!
• And finally: A giant asteroid that scientists feared might hit Earth, or maybe the moon, is now - thanks to new observations from the James Webb Space Telescope - predicted to miss both targets completely. Phew!

And the weather? Almost Spring-like, but more rain is on its way. Dammit.

Critical journeys..?

War with Iran is disrupting fuel supplies worldwide, with the RAC urging Britons to drive less. Unfortunately impossible when you have to make critical journeys like these:

Impressing non-existent girls
Young men driving around small towns to impress hot girls is a key mating activity, though hot girls often refuse to line the streets staring at cars for hours and you may encounter none. Nonetheless, groups of four men in a 2007 Citroën Saxo will continue because it works in Fast & Furious films.

Buying a single tin of tomatoes
You’ve committed to making forgettable spag bol and you’re fucked if you’re going to spend 90 seconds rethinking your food plans, so driving to a shop 500 yards away is unavoidable. Offset the wastefulness of this journey by picking up a few other things that would facilitate easy meals in the near future? Nah. You’ve got a car.

Collecting a takeaway
Sure, the takeaway does deliveries, but them you’ve got to either pay a £3.50 delivery fee or take your order up to £20 with stuff you don’t want, the leftovers of which will look disgusting in the fridge the next day and make you doubt the wisdom of getting takeaways three nights a week. Better for everyone you collect it.

The school run
Non-parents can’t understand the joyous convenience of getting rid of all the little bastards in one roundabout journey, rather than trailing along while they marvel at the wonders of nature and shit. Explain you only have one life and you can’t spend it waiting for an eight-year-old to get bored of looking at dew on a bloody spider’s web.

Listening to techno in a supermarket car park
Not the activity of the average Volvo owner, but but if you’re a 17-year-old with a modded hatchback you absolutely will drive to a deserted car park at night to listen to music in the cold. Donuts may be involved, but it’s still a miserable activity that would be considered unacceptably cruel if the state made petty offenders do it.

Taking your kids to activities they hate and will give up
If middle-class, transporting your progeny to lessons they hate is 80 per cent of every evening. Whether piano lessons or gymnastics, whether Scouts or tap dance, it’s pointless and necessary. A longitudinal study of what proportion of children made to learn the violin play it in adulthood should be carried out. The economy of north London would collapse.

The Daily Mash

Of course.