Dry January?

A man who has sworn off drinking this month has clarified that it only counts as drinking if it is in the pub, for God’s sake.

Wayne Hayes has proudly told everyone he is laying off the booze for the month but was flabbergasted to learn they expected that meant at home as well.

He said: “You can’t not drink at all, can you? In January? I’m not superhuman.

“I will keep my promise not to set foot in the pub all month, even on quiz nights. Not a pint of Guinness will pass my lips. If you don’t think that’s an accomplishment you don’t know me.

“But at home? That’s my own business. You can’t stop me and you’ll never even know I’ve been drinking unless you see through the kitchen window where I don’t have a blind because it caught fire.

“It’s still one hell of an achievement. Drinking without the camaraderie, the warm haze of shared intoxication, the fruit machine. I tell you, I’ll be bloody glad when John’s pouring me a pint again. Don’t tell me that’s not hardship.”

He added: “Actually, I’m getting to quite like drinking alone at home now. You can start earlier.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.