Bored at work? Have you considered hating one of, or all of, your co-workers for reasons they would consider petty but you call unforgivable? This should get you started:
Iain’s lunch had a mild odour
He sits within your line of sight and if that wasn’t bad enough, he dared bring in something more exotic than a cheese sandwich for his dirty little midday meal. And he made you watch. Begin with passive-aggressive sniffing and coughing, and glow with inner fury whenever he strays toward the microwave for eight years thereafter.
Marie used the printer for too long
Despite the fact that everything is now on G-suite, Microsoft 365, or East 17 these days, a fellow employee was at the printer the one and only time you needed to use it. Hogging it. Did she gracefully step aside when confronted with your urgent hover? She did not. So you must deliberately go slowly when she’s waiting behind you from now until 2032.
Louise laughed too hard at a manager’s joke
Pathetic little suck-up. Guffawing, in a meeting, when everyone knows they’re not for fun or productivity but to engender despair, self-loathing and the urge to put one’s hand into a blender. You would never demean yourself by trying to enjoy being at work and it’s well worth resenting that cow for doing so.
Connor drank the last of the milk
It may seem like a small, impolite accident, but this devastating betrayal is in fact worse than Kim Philby, Judas and David Harbour all combined. Two pints is more than a quid now. Act swiftly, rally others to your cause and judge what pitiful over-sweetened pseudo-beverage your nemesis wasted the precious liquid on.
Jill sat at your desk
Technically it isn’t your desk because of hot-desking. But while its ownership might not be recognised in a court of law, spiritually and emotionally it is your safe harbour and your home. And she thinks she can steal it? Fuck about with her chair when she isn’t looking.
That girl who didn’t know who you were
That disrespectful intern is the epitome of why their generation don’t deserve jobs or to ever retire, with their fucking iced coffees. How dare they not recognise how supremely important you are? You’ll make sure that Ava, or whatever her name is, won’t go far. Oh, she’s left.
Of course.
Today was my outselling work day and for ages , I really enjoyed it
ReplyDeleteWhoo-hoo! What about the other 215 days? Jx
DeleteI would spend much more effort planning minor acts of revenge and sabotage than I ever did on my actual job.
ReplyDeleteBeen there. Done that. Jx
DeleteI used to let people jump the queue for the photo copier so that I could chat and be away from my desk for longer.
ReplyDeleteWe used to have air conditioning wars with the men - we'd turn it off and they'd turn it on full whack. I used to get in early to turn it off and guard it.
Sx
Air conditioning would be a luxury in either of the offices I work from nowadays - too hot in summer, too cold in winter!
DeleteWhere I used to work, it was the menopausal women who used to complain when the aircon was off... Jx
There are two 30-something women in my team who talk like whiny teenagers, and a 50-odd year old man who will. Not. SHUT. UP! when I'm clearly very busy and trying to get on with something that needs my full attention.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, there is a super-hot Greek guy in the wing around the corner, so I get plenty of exercise by going to the kitchenette and/or loo furthest away from my team in order to catch a glimpse of him on the way!
We have a couple of "yakkers" in our team - I often put my headphones on for a "non-meeting". No super-hot Greeks, however. Jx
Delete