Trust us - bring a violin

Albeit a strange prospect, since we customarily would have been swathing Dolores Delargo Towers in the "flags of all nations" and getting our costumes ready for our traditional Eurovision Song Contest house party by now - for the first time, we'll be watching the live final on our own. Last year, the contest was cancelled and replaced with studio-based "specials", which we tried to watch en masse via Zoom; it was cumbersome but needed little concentration, as there was no voting. [As my regular reader will already know, we usually have voting cards and allocate marks for song, outfit, dreadful dance routine, buff totty backing dancers, and so on - it's a deadly serious process. Ahem.] 

We decided not to do it this year, as the logistics would be unmanageable.

Our friend Jim has, however, offered to host pre- and after-contest Zoom sessions, so we will have a chance to gather and do some toasts and "post-match analysis", as it were...

While we wait for the madness to begin this evening, we're listening to Radio 2's countdown of "The UK’s All-Time Eurovision Top 50", as voted for by listeners (myself included). The station's schedule is entirely given over to a celebration of Eurovision today, so there'll be a lot to keep us occupied...

Meanwhile, let's revisit this fantabulosa piss-take that was actually performed by the contest's hosts in the interval of the contest back in 2016:

Måns Zelmerlöw and Petra Mede - Love Love Peace Peace

[Måns]: Step 1! Get everyone's attention. A powerful, majestic start. Maybe a battle horn of some kind?

[Petra]: Step 2! Drums! There has to be drums! It doesn't hurt if the drums are played by gorgeous topless men. It's proven very efficient throughout the years. But, please feel free to try other alternatives. It's proven very helpful to go the exact opposite way. Use a grandmother!

[Måns]: Step 3! Show the viewers your country's ethnic background by using an old traditional folklore instrument that no-one's heard of before
[Petra]: No, no - in this case, it's proven much more efficient to not use a young model. Go with an old man instead. A beard helps!
[Måns]: This instrument is called a Swedish kvinnaböske - a small roundish piece from the horn family, inherited from the Vikings. Just make something up. No-one will know!

Step 4! In Eurovision, nothing says winner like a violin. Trust us - bring a violin

[Petra]: Step 5! The violin, the drums and the kvinnaböske might make it all feel a little bit old fashioned, but this can easily be fixed by adding a DJ who pretends to scratch. In real life of course, this is thirty years old but in Eurovision, it will give your number a contemporary feel

[Måns]: Step 6 - costumes! You need to look memorable, something that the viewers will notice.
[Petra]: Oh! Perfect!

Step 7! The song. Everything else might be important, but the song is essential. Let it be about something everyone can connect to. Love works. Peace is also a popular way to go
[Måns]: Yes, peace is good. ABBA actually won the competition with a song about war with Waterloo, but this is not something we recommend
[Petra]: Now when you have everything you need and the pieces are gathered - go for it and don't look back!

[Måns]: Let the song begin with passion
Let the wind begin to blow
[Petra]: You can break the rules of fashion
And your chance to win shall grow
Look into the TV camera
So the audience can see
[Måns]: That you're lovable - not desperate
Smile and they will vote for me

[Both]: Fill the stage with light
As dancers will join us
The expectations grow
It's time for the chorus

Love love peace peace
[Måns]: Old women baking bread
Peace peace love love
[Petra]: And a man in a hamster wheel
Love peace peace love
Make it unforgettable
You will be the best
And win the Eurovision Song Contest

[Måns]: Now we'll go down a notch
Our hands will touch
Pretending we're in love
[Petra]: It's you and me and when we change the key
[Both]: We'll give the world a show
It begins to snow

Love love peace peace
[Petra]: And a burning fake piano
Peace peace love love
[Måns]: And a Russian man on skates
Love peace peace love
It'll be incredible
You will be the best

Love love peace peace
[Måns]: Party for everybody!
Peace peace love love
[Petra]: More tricks in a hamster wheel
Love peace peace love
And we can guarantee
That you will be the best
And win the Eurovision Song Contest
And win the Eurovision Song Contest

This is NOT an event that takes itself too seriously...