Saturday 8 April 2023

The courtesan struck gold

Considering sleeping with a married man whose wife doesn’t understand him? Girlfriends warning you it won’t work out? Look who’s Queen now, bitches.

On the surface, it was a classic case. He’s all like ‘My marriage is a sham’ and ‘We haven’t been intimate in years’ and ‘We’re only together for the children and the future of the hereditary monarchy’.

I read about them in the women’s magazines – Tatler, The Nanny and Debrett’s. He might claim they’re sleeping in separate Georgian mansions and then suddenly she’s pregnant with an heir.

But what can I say? I looked into those blue eyes and I trusted him. I believed that this man, this future King, didn’t just want to be in and out of me all day like a tampon but for us to be together.

From that day I vowed to destabilise his marriage, whether by tapping the phones at Kensington Palace or tipping off the press about her stalking that art dealer. Even better, we did it together.

It wasn’t easy when she started flinging shit in public, and the kids have never warmed to me, but my whispers of ‘That younger one’s a right diva, just like her’ paid off and he’s practically disinherited now.

We married, we cycled through a number of titles that his domineering mother and the resentful public were willing to accept, and next month he’s crowned at Westminster Abbey and I’ll be there as Queen. Not Queen Consort. Not King’s Concubine. Queen.

So ladies, if you’ve identified a married man of sufficient status naive enough to be pussystruck, ignore the warnings and have that affair. It worked for me.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

8 comments:

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    1. Ha ha ha! We never caught that series. Must try next time it comes around. Jx

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    2. Oh, do, it's hilarious! Camilla is my favourite, but they're all brilliant!
      (I've just checked All4, and there's only a Christmas Special available. Boo!)

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    3. Haydn Gwynne is fabulous in anything - we loved her in Drop the Dead Donkey, and more recently saw her on stage in Anything Goes at The Barbican and in the gala Stephen Sondheim's Old Friends - a Celebration (in which she was utterly brilliant!).

      Funny to see that after The Windsors, she also had a role in The Crown (as Lady Susan Hussey). Jx

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  2. My thoughts exactly about the Whore Queen.

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    1. I somehow doubt she'll be greeted with huge applause at the coronation - we'll be watching it, like everyone else in the world, no doubt, but the whole idea of the "third woman in the marriage" actually getting the top job leaves a very nasty taste in the mouth indeed. Jx

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  3. I giggled at the sponsor name on the link IDV posted. (For those who may not know: Fosters is an Australian beer label. Now owned by god-knows-who!

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    1. Fosters (aka tinned piss) became very popular over here in the 80s (and is still sold in pubs today) - largely because Paul Hogan/Crocodile Dundee was in the adverts. Jx

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